Saturday, December 25, 2010

Santa Gunned Down While Delivering Presents In Mexico

Chihuahua, Mexico - Children and adults alike are in mourning Christmas Day as news swept across the globe that Santa Claus has been killed in an apparent drug cartel shoot-out in Mexico. The lovable, rotund holiday celebrity was caught in a viscous hail of automatic gunfire as he was delivering presents to Mexican children Christmas Eve.

Well known to authorities as a violent section of Chihuahua province, two drug cartels are suspected of the shooting, and Mexican police have a number of suspects in custody. Santa’s annual delivery of presents to millions of children was not disrupted as

his elves carried out the remainder of his deliveries early Christmas morning.

The ever increasing drug related violence in Mexico has now reached a breaking point, with United Nations officials stepping in and urging the Mexican government to crack down on the drug cartels who control the area. United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon made a special announcement to the world after hearing news of Santa’s death, and called upon fellow countries to help eradicate the drug violence from Mexico. “The death of Santa has left the world speechless and we now must not only mourn his loss, but also come together to rid not only Mexico, but the entire world of such violence.” Moon stated in an early morning news conference.

The North Pole was in a state of emergency after hearing the news of Santa’s death, and are making the necessary preparations to make sure Christmas runs smoothly and the children receive all their gifts. Head Elf Jingle Jangle was shocked to hear the news, but remains confident North Pole activities will still be on track. “This is unbelievable, the elves are still in shock as is Mrs. Claus, but we are still trying to make sure Christmas is not completely ruined.” Jangle remarked before breaking down in tears.

Mexican authorities have arrested Juan Chavez and Pablo Sanchez, both known members of the ChiChi gang who have ruled drug operations in the northern part of Mexico for some time. Santa’s body is being flown to the North Pole by United Nation’s officials where a global state funeral is being planned.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thousands Of Elves Jobless As Santa Moves Toy Production To China

North Pole - With only two days left before Christmas, hundreds of elves at the North Pole received their lay-off notices announcing a bold move by Santa to move his entire toy production to mainland China in 2011. The news comes as a shock to the hundreds of jovial little elves that have slaved for hundreds of years for the North Pole's largest employer, and are in the process of dealing with the sad news of looming unemployment.

"We've worked so hard for so many years, working countless hours on toys for the world's children, and now we are just being tossed to the curb." sobbed Head Elf Jingle Jangle, who has been with the North Pole production facility since 1947. "We all knew Santa was in financial difficulty, but none of us expected this." Jangle remarked before seeking work in an upcoming Star Wars film.

Santa's production of toys at the North Pole has faced recent financial difficulties over the last three hundred years, after making and distributing millions of toys free of charge which has resulted in a $987 trillion debt for Santa. Also blamed is the lack of demand for the finely crafted wooden toys the elves were producing, with many children demanding newer video game systems and advanced electronics which the elves are unable to produce.

The toy production will move to Xing Chung Province in earlier 2011 and most elves will see their North Pole toy factory shut down in March of 2011, sending thousands of elves to the unemployment line. "I think a lot of us will find work in the entertainment industry, but we are saddened Santa has not given us a choice to work with the Chinese on making toys for kids around the world." Jangle remarked. Santa Claus was unavailable for comment but is still expected to make delivery of the toys this Christmas Eve.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Refugees Excited About Latest Design For Flimsy Raft

Cuba - Scores of refugees are abuzz with excitement over the release of the 2011 Flimsy Raft Catalogue that showcases the latest in refugee escape rafts. Thousands of refugees have already lined up to purchase their flimsy raft kit at hardware stores across Cuba, Somalia, and parts of Indonesia.

The 2011 models feature new advancements in design, such as duct tape fastening, rain barrel hulls and broom handle sail masts. Seating capacity has also increased in the newest models, allowing 237 refugees to sit somewhat comfortably on a 12 foot raft. Previous raft designs would fit only 215 refugees per raft, and the masking tape and glue was known to break apart during a perilous refugee crossing, making the escape to a better country somewhat of a problem.

"Now we can paddle much more safely to seek asylum in other countries." replied Jose Canstonas, a recent refugee who is looking forward to piloting his 2011 model raft to Miami in the spring. "I was scared the raft may break apart in a strong wind and I'd be eaten by sharks during my journey to freedom, but now with the duct taped construction, I feel safer and look forward to a new life." Canstonas remarked.

Refugeez! the raft company that manufactures the boat kits is confident the new 2011 models will exceed customer expectations for sea travel. "We designed the latest rafts to endure a stiff breeze and handle more people aboard, but as always, can not guarantee a completely uneventful voyage." Refugeez! spokesperson Gord Pinstrap responded when asked about his company's rafts. "The sharks are bigger this year, so we are looking at fitting a shotgun aboard the our 2012 rafts." Pinstrap added.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Westboro To Use Artisan Sea Salt On Icy Roads

Westboro - The affluent neighbourhood of Westboro will be enjoying the use of imported artisan sea salt on its roads this winter thanks to a motion passed by Ward Councillor Katherine Hobbs. Hobbs had requested the use of the special salt or "sel de mer", as an alternative to the usual coarse road salt currently used on other city streets. Westboro residents have been complaining the regular salt was affecting the finish on their BMW's, Land Rovers and Audis, with some drivers reluctant to even drive on salted raods for fear of the coarse salt ruining the soles of their Italian footwear and staining their Lululemon stretch pants.

"The regular road salt was really dulling the finish on some residents vehicles to the point where they would have to wash their car once a week." Hobbs explained. "The artisan salt provides a gentler melting action and will be less corrosive on their clothing and cars." Many Ottawa residents are upset that Westboro will receive the special salt, but understand that the higher taxes in the neighbourhood will cover the extra cost of the imported salt. "Well if they want to pay for it, I guess let them have their sea salt." commented Carl Tollbar, a Vanier resident. " I saw one guy put some on his fries last time I was in Westboro." Tollbar remarked.

Imported from the south of France, the new artisan sea salt will increase road salting costs by 475%, but Hobbs sees the benefits far outweighing the increased costs. "My ward residents are quite happy to pay extra taxes if they can enjoy the benefits of the artisan salt." Hobbs replied. City Hall passed the motion put forward by Hobbs, and Westboro residents should start seeing the application of the sea salt as early as next week on their neighbourhood roads. Discussions are also underway to have area sidewalks plowed with organic bamboo shovels instead of the regular metal scrapers used by current sidewalk snow removal units.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Gary From Accounting Enjoying New Status As “Party Animal” After Getting Wasted At Office Christmas Party

Kanata- Once known as the mild mannered accountant from Section D, Gary Humphrey, or “The Hump” as he is now referred to, is enjoying his new inter-office status as a “wild guy” after last week’s office party that got out of control.

Formerly thought of as the weird, quiet guy who kept to himself, Gary elevated his social status within InexaCom Technologies after displaying some bold dance moves, hilarious impersonations of upper management staff and photocopying his private parts at an “off the hook” office Christmas party that InexaCom hosted last week. Humphrey’s relatively dry sense of humour took on a whole new meaning after a few drinks at the nearby Kelsey’s Restaurant where Inexacom held their annual holiday party.

“Gary was always so quiet, but after a few Mucho Margaritas he really let his hair down and became the life of the party.” exclaimed fellow employee Diane Fleming who works with Gary in Section D. “Normally he heads home at exactly 5:35pm each day and watches his PVR’d “Stargate” episodes, but last week something got into him and he is now the celebrity of the office.” Fleming explained.

Humphrey, 42, is single and lives in a semi-detached home in Barrhaven and has been a model employee at InexaCom for over 8 years, heading up the Accounting Division in Section D for the last 3 years.

“Gary really got loaded and brought the party up a notch from what is usually a lame time, to something we are all talking about at the water cooler.” commented Kyle Vaughn, who always assumed Humphrey was a weirdo, Asian porn fanatic. “Yeah, that dude really cut loose and changed my perception of him.” Vaughn noted. “Gary is now the cool guy around the office...I mean, dancing to the Macarena on the VP’s desk was brilliant.”

The morning after the party, Humphrey exchanged numerous high-fives among co-workers, and is now the topic of conversation between many female colleagues who dismissed him as being a nerd. “Gary is definitely on my dating hit-list now.” responded Laurie Jenkins, who along with many others, always thought of Humphrey as a nerdy, undesirable “quiet guy” within the office.

When questioned about his newly acquired status within InexaCom, Humphrey shrugged it off that it was just a night out, and hopes no one thinks any less of him as a professional accountant. “I had a few drinks, let my guard down and ended up spending the night passed out behind the copier, but I think it was all worth it if I can now chat with the guys beside me at the urinal.” replied Humphrey.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Crotchety Old Lady Remembered As Crotchety Old Lady

Wellington Street West- The mean spirited and cantankerous old woman who lived on Faraday Avenue in the Wellington West neighbourhood succumbed to her injuries last night after being eaten alive by her 87 cats found in her dilapidated residence. Known to many nearby residents as the "old hag" she will not be remembered or missed. Helga Mossbean, 87, was usually seen yelling at the local children to get off her lawn or at neighbours whose grass clippings would happen to blow onto her driveway. The retired federal employee would sit on her porch with her cats and yell at kids returning home from school not to “lolly-gag” in front of her residence.

When Mossbean’s sister came to check in on the residence Wednesday morning, it was discovered she had been eaten by her cats who seemingly turned on their owner. Mossbean was then taken to the Civic Hospital where she succumbed to the multiple lacerations inflicted by her vengeful cats and then family members were notified. Acquaintances and neighbours remember Mossbean as a “crotchety old lady” who “never really had a nice thing thing to say to anyone." Her 87 cats were taken to the Ottawa Humane Society pending adoption.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

WikiLeaks Reveal Ottawa Is Part Of Massive CIA Experiment Testing "Boredom Threshold”.

Washington- The recent WikiLeaks of once classified information has uncovered a massive CIA plot to test citizens of their “Boredom threshold” to see how long an average human being can withstand being bored, and in some cases, being “bored to death”.

Classified as “Operation Snore”, the US government funded experiment is the largest of its kind, testing thousands of Ottawa’s citizens on how much boredom they can withstand before fleeing, moving or in some cases dying. “The citizens of Ottawa were exposed to early store and restaurant closures, limited after hours entertainment and extremely cold, depressing grey days resulting in subjects staying in their suburban environments, wearing pajama pants and going to bed by 10pm.” the leaked CIA documents reveal.

With its ever expanding suburbs and well known lack of excitement, the WikiLeak confirms for many, what has been suspected for a long time. “This CIA operation just confirms what many residents of Ottawa already believed.” Deputy Minister of Cultural Affairs Beth Grady explained. “What was once thought as apathy and lack of vitality within the city can now be explained by this massive CIA experiment in social behaviour.” Grady remarked. “ the experiment involved an elaborate network of early store closures, boring cultural events, and placing residents in far reaching settlements such as Barrhaven and Kanata, so people would opt to stay home and go to bed early rather than head back to the downtown core to be entertained.” says Grady.

The CIA denies the experiment but does admit to creating colder temperatures in a large scale weather control experiment in an attempt to confine citizens to their homes. “We want to make sure Canadians stay in their homes and don’t start being more creative then they already are.” another leaked CIA document reveals.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Neighbourhood Christmas Craft Shows Guarantee Many Will Receive Crappy Hand Made Gifts This Holiday Season

Ottawa - As the holiday season approaches, more and more craft shows and church bazaars are being held which offer countless hand made crafts to idea starved consumers. The abundance of holiday craft fairs in the region insure homemade jams, Macrame Kleenex box covers, tacky leather belts, wood carved pen holders and hundreds of other crappy hand made gifts will be under many Christmas trees this year.

“Why buy an expensive and common electronic or stereo item from a big box store when you can give a loved one a carefully crafted and hand painted ceramic clown lamp.” explained Fisher Park crafter Lori Fairbanks who makes handmade pottery items and hand knitted socks. “It’s truly a unique gift when you give something that’s handmade.” Fairbanks endorsed before heading back to work on a a beautiful ceramic Elvis head bedpan.

Many consumers are finding the craft shows a welcome change from the busy area shopping malls and look forward to giving the one of a kind gifts this Christmas. “I just picked up an el paca wool sock puppet.” Glen Likman commented as he perused the Hintonburg Craft Market. “It’s just so whimsical and unique, and I know my son wanted an XBOX, but this should make him smile even more.” Likman replied before purchasing a cheese cutting board made out of an old canoe paddle.

Craft fairs in your neighbourhood can usually be found in the dank basements of your local church or in the sweat smelling gymnasiums of your local community centre within the next few weeks.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Office Christmas Season Launched By Receptionists Across The Continent With Holiday Sweaters And Trinkets On Desk

Canada- The Christmas season was officially launched in offices across the country today when receptionists began wearing Holiday sweaters and piling Christmas trinkets on their desks. Many offices are usually unclear as to when the Christmas season and office decorating will commence, but the receptionist's bold move to wearing colourful sweaters and placing assorted Christmas paraphernalia on their desks heralds the season has begun.

"I really didn't have a clue when Christmas celebrating begins around the office, but Kim at the front desk started wearing her reindeer sweater so now I know I can start looking forward to Christmas." office employee Gary Narkin commented as he began work Monday morning at Telenex Industries in Kanata. Known for her elaborate Christmas decorating on her desk and around the office, Kim Stanston is happy to be launching Christmas at Telenex each year with her adornments. "I like to bring Christmas to the office in my own special way." Stanson remarked as she carefully placed a ceramic North Pole miniature village on her reception desk at Telenex. "It just cheers up the office and makes people look forward to our office Christmas party even more."

Following on the heels of the receptionist Christmas launch, many offices are also booking their office Christmas parties at local Kelsey's, Milestone's, and Lone Star locations. "Last year Telenex really pulled out all the stops and took us to the Lone Star and Kevin got so wasted he barfed in a sombrero!" exclaimed Jamie Rottwiner who is anxious to attend this year's holiday party at the nearby Moxie's Grill. "The reception desk has a bowl of candy canes on it now, so I know the party can't be too far off." said Rottwiner.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Trendy New Restaurant Serves Meals By Intravenous Bag

Byward Market- A new restaurant is offering patrons culinary delights through intravenous bags prepared by acclaimed Ottawa chef Steven Klasket, who opened his new restaurant, “BAG” in the Byward Market last weekend.

Critics and foodies alike are raving over the new gastropub style eatery that serves prepared meals in a medical I.V. bag, blending the ingredients into a malleable paste which is then sucked into the mouths of hungry customers through a flexible feeding tube. Head chef and owner, Stephen Klasket explains the trend is incredibly popular in war torn areas of the world, where chewing food is not an option, and thought the idea would lend itself well to his cuisine. “I like the idea of taking the tastes of a variety of ingredients and fusing them through blending into a paste-like consistency that allows one to enjoy all tastes at once.” Klasket explains. “Why waste time using a fork to select different items on your plate when you can enjoy them all in blended paste format.”

Duck, beef, chicken and slect market fish dishes are all prepared by Klasket who tries to use locally produce foods and acquires his intravenous bags from a medical company in Toronto. Many customers enjoy the paste I.V. serving format, while other find it somewhat disturbing. “It’s nice to not have to chew, but it kind of brings back some horrible memories of when I was in ICU after my accident.” exclaimed BAG customer Agnus Littleton, who was fed intravenously for six weeks after her automobile accident.

BAG is currently not taking any reservations until 2011 since they are booked solid until then. BAG also offers desserts in a suppository pill format, with Klasket personally applying the dessert after the main course meal is finished. BAG is located at 76 Murray Street in the Byward Market.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Condo Development Planned For Patch Of Grass In Westboro

Westboro- A three foot patch of grass in Westboro has recently been purchased by Ashcroft homes and plans are underway for a 12 story condominium building on the site with construction beginning April 2011. The desirable piece of curbside land between Tweedsmuir and Roosevelt Ave. was purchased by Ashcroft Developments in early October for $3.8 million and will offer residents a unique village lifestyle with the comforts of modern condo amenities.

“We really foresee this patch of grass being utilized to provide our residents with the best possible lifestyle in the desirable Westboro area.” Ashcroft Marketing Director Kelly Johnston explained. “With over 12 stories of condo comfort, we can offer a lifestyle like no other in the west end. Lattes. Outdoor adventure gear, and of course baby and toddler boutiques all await residents of this exciting new venture.” Johnston remarked.

The controversial patch of grass has been up for sale for about three months, and has been commonly known as a popular place for dogs to relieve themselves, windblown refuse to collect, and home to various ants who have built a complex underground community. A proposal was made to develop the grass patch into a yoga center, but was overturned in favour of the Ashcroft condo development. A state-of-the-art condo building with ground floor retail space offering yet even more coffee shops and organic green product stores to Westboro residents has been planned.

A challenge for Ashcroft architects will be to construct a 12 storey facility on a mere three square feet of space. “Challenging, yes, but we see today’s young professionals making the most of the limited space.” Head architect Schmitt Closson explained.

Residents should expect all traffic to be compounded into a massive traffic jam, and large dust storms of grit to occur for the period of June to September in the area of the grass patch and drivers are asked to adjust accordingly while construction is underway.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Max Keeping Found Living Inside Toy Mountain

Carlingwood - Popular CTV News anchor Max Keeping has been discovered living inside a Toy Mountain receptacle at Carlingwood Mall yesterday morning. The retired CJOH TV personality was found by a mall security guard who happened to hear noises and "rustling" from inside the Toy Mountain which is located adjacent to the Santa display next to Northern Reflections.

Upon hearing the noises, the unidentified security guard opened the Toy Mountain tent flaps to discover a partially clothed and intoxicated Max Keeping inside who had nestled himself into the donated toys within. Apparently having lived in the Toy Mountain for a number of days, Mr. Keeping had fashioned a bed, Coleman stove and bar fridge, making it his home for the holidays. Mr. Keeping has recently been in transition from his previous home after retiring from CJOH news and is having trouble finding accommodations. He pleaded with mall security to remain in the Toy Mountain before he was escorted off mall property. Mr. Keeping then ran to his car where he donned a Santa hat and refused comment.

The Magic 100/CTV Toy Mountain is a Salvation Army initiative this holiday season to distribute toys to Ottawa's less fortunate children. The ongoing Toy Mountain program allows those who wish to donate a toy to drop them off in "mountain" shaped tent displays in malls across the region.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mall Santas Begin Reign Of Terror This Weekend

Ottawa - Shopping malls across the region will launch their annual Santa Claus displays in what looks to be a banner year for bringing terror, screams and pure fright to hundreds of toddlers and children alike. Area shopping malls are busy preparing their Christmas pavilions for the arrival of their Santas this weekend in preparation for the the busiest retail time of the year, November 20th to December 20th.

With most children being unfamiliar with the concept of being placed on the lap of a large, white bearded man in a bright red suit, malls Santas are psychologically preparing themselves for the upcoming job of having hundreds, if not thousands of screaming children on their laps over the next six weeks. Many children enjoy the experience of sitting on Santa's lap and informing him what they would like for Christmas, but many are absolutely terrified at the notion of having a strange man grasp them while they have their photo taken.

"We see a lot of parents dress their kids up in their best clothes, then prop up their child on Santa's lap for the perfect photo op, but sadly, that photo usually reflects a terrified and screaming child." Carlingwood Mall Manager Kim Latham explains. "This year our Santa has some earplugs, a hip flask of gin and Tylenol to make it through the gruelling ordeal, so hopefully we won't have so many Santa's quitting this year." remarked Latham, who saw 8 different Santa's take on the job last holiday season.

Latham warns parents to prepare their child ahead of time for what many kids see as a scary experience, and advise parents of children under three to be sedated in some form or another. Santa arrives this weekend, November 20th at shopping malls across the region and will most likely be less intoxicated and more patient with visiting children during the early part of the day. "By 9pm Santa may smell somewhat sweaty, reeking of booze and have little patience for your screaming child, so we recommend coming in earlier in the day if you want the best mall Santa experience." suggested Latham.

Friday, November 12, 2010

G20 Failure May Have Been Caused By Harper’s “Movember” Stache

Seoul - The G20 Summit held in Seoul, South Korea over the last few days has concluded with a failure to reach an accord on settling disagreements and imbalance within global trade. Failure to do so is being blamed on Prime Minister Harper, who attended the two-day summit sporting a “Luigi” style moustache in support of “Movember”, which helps bring awareness to prostate cancer with men sporting a moustache during the month of November.

Opting to grow a “Luigi” style moustache in appreciation of his fondness for Super Mario Brothers, a popular Nintendo game the Prime Minister likes to play with his son back on Sussex Drive, Harper may have single handedly ruined Canada’s chance at progressing the country’s global trade status. Many of the world leaders at the summit chose not to have their photo taken with the Prime Minister, who insisted his moustache was in support of men’s health and the “Movember” awareness movement that spans the globe. Many leaders thought he was mocking the summit and refused Harper into many high-level meetings.

“I like Luigi and Mario from Super Mario Brothers, so I decided to grow a Movember moustache like theirs.” Harper commented as he readied for departure. “I thought everyone would be on board with the whole Movember thing, but I guess not.”

Nonetheless, Harper said it's still an issue that the leaders need to grapple with.

"I don't think there's anything here that speaks to collapse in the global economy or an immediate problem," said the prime minister about the lack of a deal on the key issues this week.

At the end of the G20 summit, Harper was scheduled to travel to Yokohama, Japan to attend the annual Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation (APEC) meeting over the weekend, where he will shave off his moustache.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

World Problems Solved By Group Of Old Men At Mall Food Court

Carlingwood - The majority of all world problems have finally been solved by a group of old men who frequent the food court in Carlingwood Mall in Ottawa. After days of countless meetings, commentary, opinions and insight, the group of seniors who can be seen congregating at a table opposite the Manchu Wok, have solved everything that was wrong with the world.

All categories of dispute including religion, politics, financial markets, war, gays, and the younger generation were addressed in their problem resolution exercises that involved a lot of finger pointing, raised voices and references to the "the old days". The group, consisting of five men between the ages of 70 and 92, meet every day with their Tim Horton's coffee and discuss and/or complain about a variety of topics that plague modern civilization. "Gas prices are too high because the politicians are greedy and want to fatten their pension." remarked one member, Lorne Strunkler, who also solved the problem of poverty by saying "Everyone should get off welfare and join the army like I did when I was broke back in '39."

Other group members commented on immigration issues, which apparently can be rectified by "shipping them all back where they came from". Lyle Midaldi remarked how increased mobile telecommunication devices and social networking are "a plague and everyone should just calm down and read a book instead." Midaldi also noted how fashion trends are ruining the world and that "in my day, men wore a tie to work and girls a skirt, none of these hobo clothes or burlesque show outfits."

Upon hearing the news of the global problem solving, the United Nations contacted the group of old men to speak at a World Summit in Stockholm this spring, but only two members will be able to attend due to upcoming surgeries and family obligations. "Bill will go over there and let them know we figured it all out." Strunckler commented before picking up his prescription medication at the nearby mall Rexall Drugstore.

United Nations General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon is ecstatic at the group's problem solving abilities and looks forward to inviting them to participate in the next General Assembly meeting in January. "These guys have it all figured out, so we need to listen to them with open ears." Ki-Moon declared.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Veterans Allowed To Drive Tank Over German Or Japanese Cars During Remembrance Day Ceremonies

Ottawa- After an ongoing battle with Parliament to get improved benefits for Canadian Veterans, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that all World War II veterans will be given full access to a Sherman tank on November 11 to drive over their choice of a German Volkswagen or Japanese Honda, depending on their theatre of wartime service, and what Axis power they were battling at the time.

This announcement comes at a time when Canadian Veterans are seeking further compensation for their military service, of which they will be honourably recognized on November 11 in ceremonies across the country. In co-operation with both the German and Japanese Embassies who are donating hundreds of Volkswagens and Hondas to the initiative, many veterans are excited at the chance to once again wreak havoc on their wartime enemies in a respectful and ceremonial way.

"It's been over 65 years since I've had the chance to crush some Jerry tin, and this new ceremonial tank crushing will be cathartic for a lot of us veterans." exclaimed World War II vet Barry Hawkins, who served in the European Campaign during the closing months of WWII. "Harper's plan to allow us to drive a tank over a Jerry or Jap car is brilliant and will give us all a sense of closure on a terrible chapter of our lives." commented Hawkins who will be joining fellow veterans on Parliament Hill November 11 for the tank crushing ceremony. Both the Japanese and German embassies, former Axis powers during World War II, have graciously donated hundreds of vehicles to be crushed by the Sherman tank, or M4 as it was known by the Commonwealth during Second World War service.

The Harper government announced the tank crushing ceremony as part of a recognition initiative aimed at helping veterans who served their country in wartime, and bring to light their distinguished service for their country. "All veterans of all eras need to be recognized for their valour and courage in protecting our freedom, then, now and for future generations." Harper announced during the press conference Monday morning. "It is a small token of appreciation, but I hope veterans across Canada will be able to enjoy the tank crushing experience and be able to let go some of their memories and connect with their former enemies in a contemporary fashion." Harper explained.

German Ambassador Helmut Schmeer and Japanese Ambassador Hakara Fujimi were more than willing to donate vehicles from their respective countries for the tank crushing ceremony, and hope the event will bring relief and closure to the veterans who fought against the Axis powers of Germany and Japan during World War II. "It's the least we could do to help the veterans of Canada who fought against the oppression of our mis-managed countries back in the dark period of World War II." replied Schmeer, who will be in the restored Sherman tank as it drives over his country's donated vehicles. "We need to work together to remember and respect the past, but also put the past behind us once and for all." Schmeer commented.

Veterans across the country are excited about Harper's announcement and are pleased there is progress in recognizing the veterans service. "This is a great opportunity for us to finally bring closure to our service and enlighten others about forgiveness, and reconciliation." WWII veteran Hal Goodman explained.

Remembrance Day ceremonies across Canada on November 11 will hopefully educate and remind Canadians of the sacrifice and commitment many young men and women made to their country during wartime. Help remember and support our veterans with the donation and display of a poppy as Canada and the world remembers its veterans this week.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Txting, Twitter Shud Elimin8 Need 4 Vowels By 2015: Stdy

The advnt of the Smrt Phone, iPhone & other instnt mssging devices shud eliminate the need for vowels by 2015, & reduce the common alphabet to a more effcnt 18 letters a rcnt stdy has concld. Dr. Freeborn from the Univ. of Minneapolis Language Science Dept has stated that the recnt trend of the global population to reduce the use of certain vowels in their communications via txt messging or “Tweeting” will most likely result in vowels being dropped altogether from everyday use within the nxt five years.

Dr. Freeborn’s stdy comes @ a time when most people are now communicating thru cellular devices for ease & efficiency, evolving the common language to the point where vowels will become obsolete. “The use of instant messaging is a catalyst for the degradation of the common English language, and will eliminate the need for any vowels at all.” Freeborn commented at a recent confrnce on Language Studies in Geneva. Freeborn’s research shows that ovr 80% of all instnt messges transmitted use shortened forms of words to comply with the undr 40 charcters restriction most txt messages have. This resulted in the dropping of vowels, using numbers, or just short forms of words instead.

Freeborn also states in his study that not only will all vowels be eliminated from the alphabet by 2015, but human speech will be unnecessary by 2050, and possibly human contact interaction unnecessary by 2080. Business, dating, and marriage relations will all be done through device messaging, eliminating the need to argue, console or mediate in the uncomfortable and inefficient “face to face” format.

“The trend of using cellular devices to converse, socialize and inform one another will most certainly spell the end of human contact within the next cntry.” Freeborn rpld as he Tweeted about his nxt seminar on his iPhone.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Ormes Furniture Still Attempting To Go-Out-Of-Business After 100 Years

Ottawa - The perpetually going-out-of-business sale at Ormes Furniture continues into its 100th year with a special sale commemorating the fact it has been trying to go-out-of-business for the last 100 years, with little success. Year after year, radio ads announce that Ormes Furniture is finally going out of business, but yet it still continues to survive. This Friday the marketing team at Ormes launch their "No, We Really Are Going Out Of Business Sale, For Real This Time" sale which will offer consumers unbelievable savings on quality wood furniture at unbeatable prices.

Drastic reductions on prices in all departments will hopefully put an end to the continual attempts to go-out-of business at Ormes, which has been struggling to go bankrupt for years and validate their claims they really are going-out-of-business.

Solid wood dining sets, bedroom suites and quality leather sofas have all been priced below wholesale costs to put the business in jeopardy and finally make them actually go-out-of-business as their radio ads constantly claim. "Since 1954 we have been trying to go out of business, but we just can't seem to go into the red enough to actually do it." explained Ormes President, Ned Ormes whose father, Bill Ormes, placed the first "Going-Out-Business Sale" radio ad in 1954. Since then, both Bill and Ned have been attempting to shut down the 150 year old furniture store that first opened on Sparks Street in 1861. "For generations we have attempted to go-out-of-business and end this nightmare of trying to sell discounted real wood furniture." Ned remarked after contacting the local radio station about their "No, We Really Are Going Out Of Business Sale, For Real This Time" ad that will air this week on the CHUM radio network. Ned, a fifth generation Ormes, hopes this blow-out sale will spell the end of Ormes Furniture once and for all. "Let's hope this time we really do go-out-of-business so we don't have to have another door crasher sale next month."

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Westboro Parents Make Kids Wear Safe, Organic Halloween Costumes

Westboro - Known as a haven for organic and "green" initiatives, Westboro will see a high number of children dressed in organic Halloween costumes thanks to over-protective and eco-conscious parents. Parents are flocking to the numerous children's boutiques along Richmond Road and Wellington West to purchase organic, fairly traded, green costumes for their children this Halloween.

With many children disappointed they will not be able to dress up as Zombies, Boba Fett, Dracula, Spiderman or even the fail-safe classic "witch", this Halloween in Westboro will see an abundance of character costumes utilizing eco-friendly products or themes. "The Compost Fairy", "Recycler Man", "Rain Barrel" and "Hemp Witch" are all new organically made, eco-safe costumes many parents are excited about making their children wear. "Little Nyles wanted to be Iron Man this Halloween, but that costume is made of plastic with who-knows-what chemicals are in it, so instead I bought him a 100% organic burlap sack costume and he'll be going as a Bridgehead Fairly Traded Coffee Bean bag." Westboro parent Belinda Lasser-Strauss explained as 7 year old Nyles cried uncontrollably in the Green Baby Boutique, which specializes in eco-friendly costumes.

Co-owner and manager of Green Baby Boutique, Leslie Garner commented on how trendy the eco-costumes are this year, and hopes the store will have enough inventory to keep up with demand. "Just yesterday we sold 23 flaxseed bio-degradable Peruvian deity masks." Garner remarked before helping another parent attempt to dress their screaming child in an organic African Tribal costume made of mud and wheat.

Also this year, many parents are taking the precaution to emblazon their child with safety gear and reflective tape so their trick-or-treating child will be out of harm's way on Halloween night. "I made sure to completely cover Leandra's Compost Fairy costume with reflective tape and made her wear a helmet so she's safe on Halloween." Westboro resident and parent Gary Frostman remarked as he purchased a blinker light for his other child's costume at GooGooGaGa Baby Boutique on Wellington Street West.

Traditional store bought costumes featuring classic ghosts, ghouls or favourite cartoon characters are being shunned in favour of the more expensive but bio-degradable "green" costumes being offered in the Westboro area. Residents handing out candy Hallow's Eve should expect large numbers of forcibly costumed children using recycled burlap sacks for candy receptacles, and prepare for kids arriving before it even gets dark so it's not "too scary" for the toddlers. Lasser-Strauss commented before taking her obviously distressed child to their Prius Hybrid in the parking lot.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Kemptville Area Hunter Accidentally Shot, Tied To Hood Of Pick-Up Truck

Kemptville- In a bizarre deer hunting accident outside of Kemptville, 38 year old Tyler Grogan was accidently shot by another hunter, and then tied to the hood of a truck and driven into the town as a “trophy”. Kemptville OPP are investigating the accident and do not rule out alcohol as a factor in the mishap. Responsible for the shooting is fellow deer hunter 42 year old Kyle Masken who was later arrested in Kemptville at a Mac’s convenience store when employees noticed the tied down hunter on the hood of Maskens 2004 GMC truck as he was attempting to buy cigarettes. Masken was apparently intoxicated while hunting and thought Grogan was a deer, mistakenly shooting him and then tying him to the hood of his truck as a trophy for all to see on his return to Kemptville.

Masken has no re-collection of the three days he spent in the woods outside Kemptville where he was deer hunting with three other hunters, who also were found intoxicated inside the cab of Masken’s truck. OPP are continuing their investigation and encourage anyone who may have seen the incident to report it to their local OPP detachment.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lee Valley Catalogue Features Great Holiday Gift Ideas

Ottawa - The inventive and somewhat whimsical Ottawa based catalogue company Lee Valley has recently launched their latest Christmas catalogue which should be arriving in household mailboxes within the next few days. Chocked full of neat holiday gift ideas and gadgets to make the season more enjoyable, the 127 page catalogue presents unique, if not desirable items for all ages.

Well known for its quality and product selection, Lee Valley adds over 300 new items to the catalogue this Christmas season, with two of these products worth being mentioned for their innovation and imagination, both trademarks of the Lee Valley company.

The Mother-In-Law Bag is a great idea that really aids in the enjoyment of the holiday season by allowing the user to seal up the pesky Mother-In-Law in a handy zippered polyethylene bag so you and guests can calmly enjoy the holidays without the stress of her annoying presence.

Also of note are handy Question and Answer cards to aid in answering all of those annoying personal questions holiday guests seem to ask when they see you. Pre-printed with your favourite questions ahead of time, you simply hand these out to the nosey guest who asked the question in the first place, saving you time and explanations about your life that isn't any of their business in the first place.

These and other great holiday gift ideas are sure to please the most discriminating shopper. Lee Valley President and Ceo Harb Taylor explains. "We try and give our customers the most unique, interesting and whimsical product choices on the market, and I think this year's catalogue hits the mark once again." Look for your Lee Valley catalogue in your mailbox this fall to see for yourself their wide range of unique products.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Ottawa- Mayor Elect Jim Watson celebrated his big win Monday night by attending no less than 127 different victory parties across the city. Known for his incredibly busy schedule attending multiple events during his campaign, Watson continued his tradition of being everywhere at once and partied long into the night at various retirement homes, country fairs, church bazaars and frat houses across Ottawa.

Watson’s landslide victory into the Mayor’s chair was a stunning display of shotgun campaigning in the weeks leading up to election, with Watson never ceasing to attend any event in the greater Ottawa Valley. After a victory celebration with Ensure milkshakes at Palisades Retirement Home, Watson and his entourage quickly moved to the Hintonburg Bingo Hall where he was congratulated by hundreds of well wishers for about 12 minutes, and then vacated to attend another party over at the Glebe Community Craft Fair. “I just can’t stop the momentum of visiting everyone!” Watson gleefully exclaimed. “The job has just begun, there are over 98,985 places and events I have yet to visit.” the hard working and charismatic Mayor-elect remarked before Tweeting the location of his next stop.

Losing to Watson, current Mayor Larry O’Brien gave a gracious speech and wished Watson well with his new job as Mayor beginning December 1st. “Jim really made himself available through the use of clones and holograms, which were impervious to my Kryptonite rays.” O’Brien commented before exiting from his campaign headquarters into a waiting Luthor Industries helicopter that took off into the night. O’Brien mentioned in his speech that he looks forward to returning to his secret lair as Lex Luthor and battling Superman once again.

Watson already has plans to attend 86 pancake breakfasts tomorrow morning and hopes to someday meet every citizen in Ottawa. “I’m halfway there, with over 6.786,234 campaign stops over the last ten weeks, I am closer to my goal of meeting everyone in this fine city.” Watson exclaimed before heading to Kanata for a celebratory cake cutting at a Lions' Club. Congratulations Jim, the O-dot wishes you all the best!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Westboro Cyclist Arrives To Work 3 Minutes Earlier Thanks To Spandex, Clicky Shoes

Westboro- Westboro resident Hubert Nettle was elated to learn he got to work 3 minutes earlier than normal thanks to his new Spandex bike shorts, aerodynamic helmet, camel pack and bolt-to-the-pedal click shoes. Attributing his early arrival at Statistics Canada to the new bike equipment, Nettle is elated and proud to learn he can now get there 3 minutes earlier. “I really needed the Spandex and click-in shoes to get here as fast as possible.” Nettle stated. “Without this bike equipment I definitely would have been 1-2 minutes slower.” he remarked.

Often questioned by on-lookers if he was in training for the Tour De France or Ironman Triathlon, Nettle joins the ranks of many Westboro residents who commute to work by bicycle, utilizing aerodynamic and time saving equipment such as Spandex outerwear and click-in-the-pedal shoes. Many of these commuters can be heard clacking around local coffee shops in their bike shoes and be seen in colourful Spandex, making their commute time shorter. “Sure I could easily just wear normal clothes and get to work for nine, but with my bike gear I can get there by 8:55.” explained fellow rider Kevin Murdale who also wears the elaborate outfit to work.

With traffic increasingly congested on city streets, many residents are opting to bike to work, but they want to make sure they take seriously the 19 minute bike ride into the downtown core. “I want people to know I bike to work when I walk into Bridgehead and the Spandex and clacking sound the shoes make as I walk around really assists with that image I’m trying to convey.” Murdale explains.

Next week both Murdale and Nettle hope to shave off another 30 seconds and increase attention to their image by wearing a face shield to improve aerodynamics. Next year, both cyclists will be purchasing recumbent bicycles to further decrease their commute time. Cyclists interested in acquiring these and other time saving devices can visit their local bike shop or any of the 178 outdoor stores in the Westboro area.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Watson Readies Clone Army For Mayor's Office

Ottawa - With only 5 days remaining in the campaign for Mayor, favoured candidate Jim Watson made a surprise announcement from his headquarters earlier today revealing he is actually one of 12 clones that were "created" for his campaign. Using cloning techniques perfected in Asia, Watson announced he clinically cloned himself so he could make multiple campaign appearances across the city at the same time.

Known for being at many events throughout the greater Ottawa area at the same time, Watson admitted his clones were attending the events for him, so he, or his "presence" could cover more ground during the campaign. The clones look, act and speak exactly like Watson who invested over $2 million in the cloning process. "I think the citizens of Ottawa should know that I am now even more capable of executing my duties as Mayor since I have 11 other "me's" to handle the difficult task." Watson explained to a shocked group of media and press attending the announcement at his campaign headquarters.

"However, people should also know that I am the only one Tweeting over 2,000 times a day, and those Tweets are not from my clones." Watson remarked before two red cloaked guards entered and kept a raucous crowd from approaching the clones that suddenly appeared from behind the curtains. Watson then commented his new clone army will bring order and stability to the galaxy and that the clones and he look forward to ruling the city from the Imperial Council after October 25. Watson then immediately Tweeted his announcement.

Competing candidates Larry O'Brien and Clive Doucet were shocked to learn of Watson's use of the clones to appear across the city at the same time, but were not surprised. "The guy is at a retirement home in Vanier at noon, then at a school assembly in Greely ten minutes just didn't add up." Doucet replied. O'Brien remains confident he can win the election and beat the clones and Watson with his new Lighter-Than-Air Transit plan. "My ring-road idea, OC Transpo Zeppelins and giant Krypto-Laser Fuel Plant will get me back in City Hall." O'Brien remarked before boarding a helicopter bound for his secret lair.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

O'Brien Proposes Lighter-Than-Air Transit Instead Of Light Rail

Ottawa- Current Mayor Larry O'Brien revealed today his future vision of transit in the Ottawa area through the use of Lighter-Than-Air vehicles rather than the planned Light Rail Transit system proposed by other mayoral candidates.

A somewhat confused and anxious O'Brien made his presentation to press and media in the lobby of City Hall this morning in an attempt to boost lagging voter confidence in his campaign. Criticized for his lack of vision with regards to transit in the Ottawa area, O'Brien emphatically unveiled a model of his planned airship that will carry commuters across the city. His plan uses lighter-than-air dirigibles that would transport passengers east and west from mooring towers in Kanata, Downtown and Orleans. O'Brien proposes the use of at least 25 airships through OC Transpo who would be the chief operator of the system. "The City of Ottawa needs giant blimps!" O'Brien stated in his presentation and continued to show a video and about the lighter-than-air vehicles. The media was than welcomed to question O'Brien about his new transit plan, with many reporters skeptical of the dangerous and expensive idea.

"The skies will be filled with giant blimps carrying commuters efficiently across our great city, freeing the roads of congesting traffic and allow us to gaze down upon the beauty that is Ottawa." O'Brien responded when asked why giant airships instead of light rail transit. Fellow candidate Jim Watson was puzzled by the last minute desperate attempt at a transit plan by O'Brien but did not completely dismiss the eccentric plan. "I could use the blimps myself to get to the multiple events I usually I have booked." commented Watson.

After the presentation O'Brien left the stage to board his own personal lighter-than-air ship docked behind City Hall emblazoned with "Luthor Industries", and took off towards a campaign stop in Greely.