Monday, January 31, 2011

Cathy, Ziggy Merger Creates Massively Lame Ass Comic Strip

Comic Pages - A recent announcement of the merger between the anxiety ridden "Cathy" and the meekly pathetic "Ziggy" has sent shockwaves through the comic world since the collaboration will most certainly bring a massively lame comic strip to newspapers worldwide. In an unusually bold move, the quiet and soft-spoken Ziggy character proposed to his long time girlfriend "Cathy", and the two are expected to tie the knot this spring in a wedding ceremony hosted by comic pals Bumstead and Jon from Garfield.

In light of the recent engagement, the two comic characters have already begun preparations for the wedding, inviting hundreds of fellow comic friends and acquaintances, including such notable characters as Foxtrot, Heathcliff and even Marmaduke if he can get off the couch.

Rumours are also circulating that the stressed out comic antics of "Cathy" may take a new direction after the wedding since she is apparently pregnant with Ziggy's child. Plans are being made to create a new, ultra-lame comic strip combining Cathy and Ziggy with their new baby and tentatively calling it "Acck! Why Me?" . Hilarity will most certainly ensue as the new parents deal with such funny and comical situations such as dirty diapers, cats sleeping in the crib, and baby barf.

Media is already abuzz with excitement as it is expected that both Prince William and Kate Middeton will also attend the wedding, with Kate being a huge fan of Cathy's bland office and wardrobe malfunction humour.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hundreds Of New Immigrants Line Up To Return Home After Experiencing Canadian Winter

Ottawa - Scores of new immigrants to Canada are packing it in and returning to their warm, sunny climates after facing their initial bone chilling Canadian winter. Most new immigrants had no idea what winters in Canada were like, and were shocked at how cold, bleak and grey it is for weeks on end. “This isn’t what we expected when we saw the brochures on Canada.” exclaimed Ninata Huovuez who emigrated to Canada from her native country of Nicaragua, where temperatures rarely dip below 20 degrees Celius. “This is total bulls--t...I lost two toes to frostbite and can’t even go outside with my children cause their eyeballs will freeze.”

Huovuez joins hundreds of other recent immigrants who are shocked and terrified of what most Canadians endure each winter. “I would rather go back to my homeland and risk getting macheted to death, starve or drown in floods rather than put up with this f---ing arctic torture.” Congo immigrant Patrice Lumbumba yelled as she waited in line at the Congo embassy for her visa to return home. “Enough is Canadians are idiots to stay here and freeze. No one told us it would be a living ice hell coming to Canada. They showed us pictures of beavers and green forests. I feel cheated.” Lumbumba accused the Canadian government who filed her immigration papers last summer.

Most new immigrants share the same sentiments regarding their move to Canada, a betrayal at the fact no one told them it is freezing cold here for six months of the year. Many would rather return to their impoverished homeland instead of enduring the intense cold. “I’ll probably starve to death or be convicted of treason and executed when I return home, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take if I can at least be warm again.” Lumbumba remarked.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Street Pigeons Now Regret Not Flying South

Ottawa - After Health Canada issued a frostbite warning for most of Eastern Ontario yesterday, thousands of flight capable street pigeons are regretting not making the trek south with the rest of their aviary companions who are settling in to a warm climate in the Southern United States.

“We are lazy crumb scavenging birds, but we never thought it would get this cold.” exclaimed Sparks street street pigeon “Potsy” as he huddled against an exhaust vent at the side of the CBC building this afternoon. With temperatures in the Ottawa region dipping down into the -30’s with wind chill, most pigeons are regretting not using their flight capabilities to fly south this winter. “We got lazy pecking at the spilled fries from the chip trucks and thought we had it pretty good.” remarked Howie, the shivering street pigeon who marks his territory east of Bank Street. “We thought the Christmas season was pretty favourable in terms of weather and we had no idea the wrath of Jack Frost would wield his mighty icicle of sub-zero temperature upon us.”

Well known to pedestrians and office workers alike, the lazy and short sighted pigeons are now making a plea for help as crumbs and stray garbage is becoming less scarce in lieu of the recent cold snap. With the onset of sub-zero temperatures and Health Canada’s frostbite warning in effect, many pigeons are now faced with the undesirable choice of huddling on heat grates in the downtown core, or sleeping on hydro lines to keep warm.

Not known for their use of internal directional compass, the pigeons are now forced to combat the cold and seek refuge wherever possible. “Just last night I had a chickadee let me know there was a full bird feeder off Bronson, so I think I’ll be okay for now.” tweeted “Peanut”, a two year veteran of Ottawa winters. “But I’ll have you know next year I’ll be joining the robins in getting the hell outta here before the snow flies.” Peanut replied as he cooed to a nearby pedestrian, begging for a morsel of his street vendor hot dog.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Canadian Broadcast Standards Council Bans Itself From Airwaves After Word "Broad" Deemed Too Offensive

Ottawa - The CBSC or "Canadian Broadcast Standards Council" responsible for recently banning the song Money for Nothing by Dire Straits has decided to censor itself from Canadian airwaves after ruling that the word "broad" was too offensive.

The news comes after a complaint from a listener to OZ-FM in Newfoundland who heard the song Money for Nothing, a radio staple since 1985, stating it violates the code of ethics on several fronts due to the use of a slander for someone who is gay. After news of the ban on the Dire Straits song, a woman from Toronto contacted the CBSC and complained the word "broad" discriminated against women and demanded it be removed from the council's title name. Listed as a noun slang for "woman" in the World Dictionary, the word was ruled to be offensive to women by the CBSC and will be banned immediately from the CBSC title and future broadcasts of its own name.

The council convened early Monday morning and ruled in favour of banning itself from the airwaves, and announced it will be referred to as the "Canadian Moderation of Blandness Council" from now on and will embark on a $24 million dollar re-structuring initiative using taxpayers money to make the name change which should conclude in 2016.

Mayan Calendar Reveals "Happy New Year!" Phrase Should End On Jan.8

The World - Recent studies of the ancient Mayan calendar reveal that the familiar, and all too prolonged greeting of "Happy New Year!" should cease being used on January 8th, one week after New Year's Day. Any further use of the phrase past that date is deemed "idiotic, redundant and stale" by the Mayans, who pioneered the use of a calendar to mark the passage of time.

Dr. Fresden Gunther of the University of Georgia unravelled the mystery of when people should stop saying "Happy New Year!" to each other when they exchange greetings earlier this week when he was deciphering the ancient Mayan calendar's peculiar outer rim hieroglyphics. "It seems the ancient Mayans would rip out the heart of anyone in sacrifice of those who spoke the words "Happy New Year!" to each other after January 8th." Gunther explained. "It was considered a sacrilege to the sun gods to use that phrase past one week from the Eve of the New Year." remarked Gunther, who has been studying a 1000 year old Mayan calendar he excavated from a temple near Tuluum, Mexico in 2009.

For decades, people have been confused as to when they should stop saying the familiar phrase "Happy New Year!" to each other, with some people using the expression well into the month of February. A common greeting in the immediate days after New Year's Day, the expression loses it's lustre after about a week, but many see it necessary to say it anyway if they haven't seen the person they are greeting since New Year's. Dr. Gunther hopes this will once and for all end the troubling debate about when society can stop saying the phrase and bring a sense of finality to the ancient greeting thanks to the Mayan culture and their ingenious calendar that also states we are all going to die in the year 2012.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Crazed Arizona Shooter Had Role In Hit Film "The Goonies"

Tucson, Az - The crazed Arizona madman who is accused of a shooting spree that has left six dead and 14 injured, including Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, has been identified as Jared Lee Loughner who played the role of "Sloth" Fratelli in the hit 1985 film "The Goonies". The scary, but morose behemoth played by Loughner in the film was best known for his line "Sloth love Chunk..." at the end of the film when he befriends the obese child actor "Chunk" played by Jeff Cohen. Loughner, who never acted again after his role as the severely disfigured Sloth was remembered by director Richard Donner as somewhat of a lunatic on set and is not surprised by the news of the heinous violence. "Loughner who played Sloth was always deranged and violent on the set of Goonies, and as fitting as it was for his role, this tragedy is in no way a surprise to me. He should have been locked up after we wrapped that film." Donner admitted yesterday to the media. The Pima County Sheriff's Office has Loughner in custody awaiting a court appearance where it is expected he will be placed under heavy security for fear that another gun-toting Arizona citizen will exact revenge for the tragedy using a legally concealed weapon.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

NCC Opens Canal To Commuter Traffic, Cyclists

Ottawa- In an effort to ease congested traffic in the downtown core, the National Capital Commission in conjunction with City Hall, opened a 2.5 km stretch of the now frozen Rideau Canal skate-way to both skaters and commuter vehicle traffic.

The bold move initiated by newly elected mayor Jim Watson will divert traffic off the 417 Queensway north onto the canal and into the downtown core during rush hour. Some concerns have been raised about the safety of this initiative with cars sharing the icy canal surface with skaters and cyclists alike. "We have some safety issues to address but I think for the most part if drivers keep their speeds to under 100km/h and use snow tires, the risks should be minimized." explained NCC Spokesperson Kathleen Hemmings who opened the canal this weekend to vehicular and skater traffic.

The issue of cycling in Ottawa has also been addressed with cyclists now being allowed on the canal, sharing the ice surface with skaters and vehicles. Mayor Watson sees the joint venture program as a viable answer to the increasing traffic problems in the city and hopes citizens will enjoy the newly opened transit corridor. "I think its great we can all share the wonderful canal the NCC maintains." Watson remarked. City Hall is also in talks with OC Transpo to have a number of bus routes diverted onto the canal to help ease the commute for Ottawa residents.

Skaters are advised to use the right hand side of the canal and vehicles to use the left and keep speeds to a minimum to avoid slippage and possible casualties. The canal is open for traffic from the Queensway at Pertoria to the downtown Rideau Street exit with an additional 3 kms being opened next weekend from Pretoria south to Bronson Ave.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Hickory Farms Quietly Returns To Secret Labs To Work On Next Year’s Amazing Selection Of Sausages, Cheese Spreads

Any Shopping Mall - The delightful selection of savory sausages and cheese spreads made a quiet exit from shopping mall kiosks across North America this week when Hickory Farms packed up their 2,907 holiday locations and returned to their secret Headquarters somewhere in Ohio.

Hickory Farms brings the best of Midwest values and unwavering quality to consumers in North America during the Christmas season and have once again returned to their food labs to create even more savory foods for next year’s holiday season. Starting in late November, Hickory Farms kiosks appear in malls across the continent, offering an unparalleled selection of rich and delicious food baskets, spreads, cured meats and nuts. “Our products bring the goodness of Hickory Farms into many homes during the holidays.” explained Hickory Farms Regional Manager Glynnis MacIntyre who personally oversaw the sale of 5,678 sausage and cheese samplers this season. “Our job is now done and we have to go back to our mothership and work on new delicacies infused with mind control drugs for next year.” MacIntyre revealed as she levitated into a waiting dirigible.

With the end of the holiday season upon us, Hickory “Farmers” everywhere worked under the cover of darkness and using unknown teleportation devices, removed themselves and their large refrigerator units of food back to their secret labs in Ohio. One mall outside of Kingston, On had a nut encrusted cheese ball roll astray during the exodus, but other than that, no remaining trace of Hickory Farms kiosks were reported anywhere.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Scores of Lululemon Shoppers Line Up To Experience 50% Added Sale

Westboro - Hundreds of yoga and non-yoga posers anxiously awaited the Westboro Lululemon store’s Boxing Week 50% More Sale now being offered at select locations. The annual sale offers shoppers the chance to pay 50% more than the ticketed price for sweatpants, yoga shirts, hoodies and other assorted apparel. Renowned for their already high prices on athletic wear, the 50% more sale, now allows trendy shoppers to spend even more money on the already over-priced clothing.

“I waited 2 hours in line just so I could buy this hoodie for $150 instead of the regular $100.” exclaimed Trina Palen, who has been wanting a hoodie from Lululemon for months since she heard it was the trendy thing to wear. “Paying an additional 50% for the hoodie now makes me look even more cool.” Palen remarked.

With scores of overweight and fit shoppers alike clambering to cash in on the opportunity to spend even more money on Lululemon apparel, the store had to hire security to make sure a sense of decorum was maintained. Store Manager Kelly Mivello explained the crowds had to dispersed as some shoppers got heated in their attempts to snatch up the sale items. “When the sale started, we had women fighting over a pair of sweatpants that were marked up from $80 to $100, and neither of them were going to give up their find.” With Lululemon offering this great opportunity, time is limited and Mivello encourages people to get to the store soon before the sale ends, and tags are returned to their lower prices.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Watson, Sir Topham Hatt Sign Deal For Light Rail Project

Ottawa - The sounds of Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends will now be a reality for the citizens of Ottawa as Mayor Watson and Sir Topham Hatt reached an agreement for the city's Light Rail System earlier today. With Thomas and Friends leading the bidding process for the new LRT system, both Watson and Sir Hatt are confident the rail project will be a huge success. "I'm ecstatic to announce Thomas The Tank Engine and Friends will lead the way for Light Rail in Ottawa." Watson enthusiastically announced last night at a news conference inside City Hall. "With his good natured

assortment of railway friends, I think commuters will be enjoying a fun, safe and reliable experience once the tunnel is completed in 2015." remarked Watson.

Also excited about the news was project manager for the bid, Sir Topham Hatt, known to millions worldwide as the jovial Rail Controller of Thomas and his merry band of steam engines. Sir Hatt expressed a positive outlook for the LRT project and believes working with Watson and City Hall will prove to be a tremendous success and finally bring commuter rail to the Ottawa Region. "Thomas and his Friends are well versed in taking loads of coal and farm equipment around, so transporting commuter passengers should be of little challenge to my hard working steam engines." Sir Hatt exclaimed.

Watson ended the news conference by ceremonially signing the rail agreement with Sir Hatt and cycling his arm up and down in a "Choo-Choo" rail whistle fashion, signalling the beginning of the LRT system in Ottawa.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Millions Awkwardly Wish Each Other A Happy New Year

The World - At parties across the globe, millions of people wished each other a Happy New Year by awkwardly hugging and kissing each other, secretly wishing they were in bed at home. As 2010 gave way to 2011, many celebrations forced complete strangers to hug and kiss each other while donning ridiculous party hats and blowing into noise makers.

Many will not remember the event due to extreme alcohol consumption, but others were awkwardly put into the uncomfortable position of having to "celebrate" another dismal year by eating fattening, stale, week-old Christmas hors d'heurves while making idle small talk with guests that they were unfamiliar with, or could care less about.

After enduring the gruelling chit chat, guests then proceeded to embrace one another at the stroke of midnight while in sock feet standing around a television that was broadcasting a Times Square countdown. Many guests then had to kiss and/or embrace strangers, then make an excuse as to why they need to go home where many wished they stayed to begin with.