Monday, November 29, 2010

Office Christmas Season Launched By Receptionists Across The Continent With Holiday Sweaters And Trinkets On Desk

Canada- The Christmas season was officially launched in offices across the country today when receptionists began wearing Holiday sweaters and piling Christmas trinkets on their desks. Many offices are usually unclear as to when the Christmas season and office decorating will commence, but the receptionist's bold move to wearing colourful sweaters and placing assorted Christmas paraphernalia on their desks heralds the season has begun.

"I really didn't have a clue when Christmas celebrating begins around the office, but Kim at the front desk started wearing her reindeer sweater so now I know I can start looking forward to Christmas." office employee Gary Narkin commented as he began work Monday morning at Telenex Industries in Kanata. Known for her elaborate Christmas decorating on her desk and around the office, Kim Stanston is happy to be launching Christmas at Telenex each year with her adornments. "I like to bring Christmas to the office in my own special way." Stanson remarked as she carefully placed a ceramic North Pole miniature village on her reception desk at Telenex. "It just cheers up the office and makes people look forward to our office Christmas party even more."

Following on the heels of the receptionist Christmas launch, many offices are also booking their office Christmas parties at local Kelsey's, Milestone's, and Lone Star locations. "Last year Telenex really pulled out all the stops and took us to the Lone Star and Kevin got so wasted he barfed in a sombrero!" exclaimed Jamie Rottwiner who is anxious to attend this year's holiday party at the nearby Moxie's Grill. "The reception desk has a bowl of candy canes on it now, so I know the party can't be too far off." said Rottwiner.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Trendy New Restaurant Serves Meals By Intravenous Bag

Byward Market- A new restaurant is offering patrons culinary delights through intravenous bags prepared by acclaimed Ottawa chef Steven Klasket, who opened his new restaurant, “BAG” in the Byward Market last weekend.

Critics and foodies alike are raving over the new gastropub style eatery that serves prepared meals in a medical I.V. bag, blending the ingredients into a malleable paste which is then sucked into the mouths of hungry customers through a flexible feeding tube. Head chef and owner, Stephen Klasket explains the trend is incredibly popular in war torn areas of the world, where chewing food is not an option, and thought the idea would lend itself well to his cuisine. “I like the idea of taking the tastes of a variety of ingredients and fusing them through blending into a paste-like consistency that allows one to enjoy all tastes at once.” Klasket explains. “Why waste time using a fork to select different items on your plate when you can enjoy them all in blended paste format.”

Duck, beef, chicken and slect market fish dishes are all prepared by Klasket who tries to use locally produce foods and acquires his intravenous bags from a medical company in Toronto. Many customers enjoy the paste I.V. serving format, while other find it somewhat disturbing. “It’s nice to not have to chew, but it kind of brings back some horrible memories of when I was in ICU after my accident.” exclaimed BAG customer Agnus Littleton, who was fed intravenously for six weeks after her automobile accident.

BAG is currently not taking any reservations until 2011 since they are booked solid until then. BAG also offers desserts in a suppository pill format, with Klasket personally applying the dessert after the main course meal is finished. BAG is located at 76 Murray Street in the Byward Market.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Condo Development Planned For Patch Of Grass In Westboro

Westboro- A three foot patch of grass in Westboro has recently been purchased by Ashcroft homes and plans are underway for a 12 story condominium building on the site with construction beginning April 2011. The desirable piece of curbside land between Tweedsmuir and Roosevelt Ave. was purchased by Ashcroft Developments in early October for $3.8 million and will offer residents a unique village lifestyle with the comforts of modern condo amenities.

“We really foresee this patch of grass being utilized to provide our residents with the best possible lifestyle in the desirable Westboro area.” Ashcroft Marketing Director Kelly Johnston explained. “With over 12 stories of condo comfort, we can offer a lifestyle like no other in the west end. Lattes. Outdoor adventure gear, and of course baby and toddler boutiques all await residents of this exciting new venture.” Johnston remarked.

The controversial patch of grass has been up for sale for about three months, and has been commonly known as a popular place for dogs to relieve themselves, windblown refuse to collect, and home to various ants who have built a complex underground community. A proposal was made to develop the grass patch into a yoga center, but was overturned in favour of the Ashcroft condo development. A state-of-the-art condo building with ground floor retail space offering yet even more coffee shops and organic green product stores to Westboro residents has been planned.

A challenge for Ashcroft architects will be to construct a 12 storey facility on a mere three square feet of space. “Challenging, yes, but we see today’s young professionals making the most of the limited space.” Head architect Schmitt Closson explained.

Residents should expect all traffic to be compounded into a massive traffic jam, and large dust storms of grit to occur for the period of June to September in the area of the grass patch and drivers are asked to adjust accordingly while construction is underway.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Max Keeping Found Living Inside Toy Mountain

Carlingwood - Popular CTV News anchor Max Keeping has been discovered living inside a Toy Mountain receptacle at Carlingwood Mall yesterday morning. The retired CJOH TV personality was found by a mall security guard who happened to hear noises and "rustling" from inside the Toy Mountain which is located adjacent to the Santa display next to Northern Reflections.

Upon hearing the noises, the unidentified security guard opened the Toy Mountain tent flaps to discover a partially clothed and intoxicated Max Keeping inside who had nestled himself into the donated toys within. Apparently having lived in the Toy Mountain for a number of days, Mr. Keeping had fashioned a bed, Coleman stove and bar fridge, making it his home for the holidays. Mr. Keeping has recently been in transition from his previous home after retiring from CJOH news and is having trouble finding accommodations. He pleaded with mall security to remain in the Toy Mountain before he was escorted off mall property. Mr. Keeping then ran to his car where he donned a Santa hat and refused comment.

The Magic 100/CTV Toy Mountain is a Salvation Army initiative this holiday season to distribute toys to Ottawa's less fortunate children. The ongoing Toy Mountain program allows those who wish to donate a toy to drop them off in "mountain" shaped tent displays in malls across the region.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mall Santas Begin Reign Of Terror This Weekend

Ottawa - Shopping malls across the region will launch their annual Santa Claus displays in what looks to be a banner year for bringing terror, screams and pure fright to hundreds of toddlers and children alike. Area shopping malls are busy preparing their Christmas pavilions for the arrival of their Santas this weekend in preparation for the the busiest retail time of the year, November 20th to December 20th.

With most children being unfamiliar with the concept of being placed on the lap of a large, white bearded man in a bright red suit, malls Santas are psychologically preparing themselves for the upcoming job of having hundreds, if not thousands of screaming children on their laps over the next six weeks. Many children enjoy the experience of sitting on Santa's lap and informing him what they would like for Christmas, but many are absolutely terrified at the notion of having a strange man grasp them while they have their photo taken.

"We see a lot of parents dress their kids up in their best clothes, then prop up their child on Santa's lap for the perfect photo op, but sadly, that photo usually reflects a terrified and screaming child." Carlingwood Mall Manager Kim Latham explains. "This year our Santa has some earplugs, a hip flask of gin and Tylenol to make it through the gruelling ordeal, so hopefully we won't have so many Santa's quitting this year." remarked Latham, who saw 8 different Santa's take on the job last holiday season.

Latham warns parents to prepare their child ahead of time for what many kids see as a scary experience, and advise parents of children under three to be sedated in some form or another. Santa arrives this weekend, November 20th at shopping malls across the region and will most likely be less intoxicated and more patient with visiting children during the early part of the day. "By 9pm Santa may smell somewhat sweaty, reeking of booze and have little patience for your screaming child, so we recommend coming in earlier in the day if you want the best mall Santa experience." suggested Latham.

Friday, November 12, 2010

G20 Failure May Have Been Caused By Harper’s “Movember” Stache

Seoul - The G20 Summit held in Seoul, South Korea over the last few days has concluded with a failure to reach an accord on settling disagreements and imbalance within global trade. Failure to do so is being blamed on Prime Minister Harper, who attended the two-day summit sporting a “Luigi” style moustache in support of “Movember”, which helps bring awareness to prostate cancer with men sporting a moustache during the month of November.

Opting to grow a “Luigi” style moustache in appreciation of his fondness for Super Mario Brothers, a popular Nintendo game the Prime Minister likes to play with his son back on Sussex Drive, Harper may have single handedly ruined Canada’s chance at progressing the country’s global trade status. Many of the world leaders at the summit chose not to have their photo taken with the Prime Minister, who insisted his moustache was in support of men’s health and the “Movember” awareness movement that spans the globe. Many leaders thought he was mocking the summit and refused Harper into many high-level meetings.

“I like Luigi and Mario from Super Mario Brothers, so I decided to grow a Movember moustache like theirs.” Harper commented as he readied for departure. “I thought everyone would be on board with the whole Movember thing, but I guess not.”

Nonetheless, Harper said it's still an issue that the leaders need to grapple with.

"I don't think there's anything here that speaks to collapse in the global economy or an immediate problem," said the prime minister about the lack of a deal on the key issues this week.

At the end of the G20 summit, Harper was scheduled to travel to Yokohama, Japan to attend the annual Asia-Pacific Economic Co-operation (APEC) meeting over the weekend, where he will shave off his moustache.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

World Problems Solved By Group Of Old Men At Mall Food Court

Carlingwood - The majority of all world problems have finally been solved by a group of old men who frequent the food court in Carlingwood Mall in Ottawa. After days of countless meetings, commentary, opinions and insight, the group of seniors who can be seen congregating at a table opposite the Manchu Wok, have solved everything that was wrong with the world.

All categories of dispute including religion, politics, financial markets, war, gays, and the younger generation were addressed in their problem resolution exercises that involved a lot of finger pointing, raised voices and references to the "the old days". The group, consisting of five men between the ages of 70 and 92, meet every day with their Tim Horton's coffee and discuss and/or complain about a variety of topics that plague modern civilization. "Gas prices are too high because the politicians are greedy and want to fatten their pension." remarked one member, Lorne Strunkler, who also solved the problem of poverty by saying "Everyone should get off welfare and join the army like I did when I was broke back in '39."

Other group members commented on immigration issues, which apparently can be rectified by "shipping them all back where they came from". Lyle Midaldi remarked how increased mobile telecommunication devices and social networking are "a plague and everyone should just calm down and read a book instead." Midaldi also noted how fashion trends are ruining the world and that "in my day, men wore a tie to work and girls a skirt, none of these hobo clothes or burlesque show outfits."

Upon hearing the news of the global problem solving, the United Nations contacted the group of old men to speak at a World Summit in Stockholm this spring, but only two members will be able to attend due to upcoming surgeries and family obligations. "Bill will go over there and let them know we figured it all out." Strunckler commented before picking up his prescription medication at the nearby mall Rexall Drugstore.

United Nations General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon is ecstatic at the group's problem solving abilities and looks forward to inviting them to participate in the next General Assembly meeting in January. "These guys have it all figured out, so we need to listen to them with open ears." Ki-Moon declared.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Veterans Allowed To Drive Tank Over German Or Japanese Cars During Remembrance Day Ceremonies

Ottawa- After an ongoing battle with Parliament to get improved benefits for Canadian Veterans, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that all World War II veterans will be given full access to a Sherman tank on November 11 to drive over their choice of a German Volkswagen or Japanese Honda, depending on their theatre of wartime service, and what Axis power they were battling at the time.

This announcement comes at a time when Canadian Veterans are seeking further compensation for their military service, of which they will be honourably recognized on November 11 in ceremonies across the country. In co-operation with both the German and Japanese Embassies who are donating hundreds of Volkswagens and Hondas to the initiative, many veterans are excited at the chance to once again wreak havoc on their wartime enemies in a respectful and ceremonial way.

"It's been over 65 years since I've had the chance to crush some Jerry tin, and this new ceremonial tank crushing will be cathartic for a lot of us veterans." exclaimed World War II vet Barry Hawkins, who served in the European Campaign during the closing months of WWII. "Harper's plan to allow us to drive a tank over a Jerry or Jap car is brilliant and will give us all a sense of closure on a terrible chapter of our lives." commented Hawkins who will be joining fellow veterans on Parliament Hill November 11 for the tank crushing ceremony. Both the Japanese and German embassies, former Axis powers during World War II, have graciously donated hundreds of vehicles to be crushed by the Sherman tank, or M4 as it was known by the Commonwealth during Second World War service.

The Harper government announced the tank crushing ceremony as part of a recognition initiative aimed at helping veterans who served their country in wartime, and bring to light their distinguished service for their country. "All veterans of all eras need to be recognized for their valour and courage in protecting our freedom, then, now and for future generations." Harper announced during the press conference Monday morning. "It is a small token of appreciation, but I hope veterans across Canada will be able to enjoy the tank crushing experience and be able to let go some of their memories and connect with their former enemies in a contemporary fashion." Harper explained.

German Ambassador Helmut Schmeer and Japanese Ambassador Hakara Fujimi were more than willing to donate vehicles from their respective countries for the tank crushing ceremony, and hope the event will bring relief and closure to the veterans who fought against the Axis powers of Germany and Japan during World War II. "It's the least we could do to help the veterans of Canada who fought against the oppression of our mis-managed countries back in the dark period of World War II." replied Schmeer, who will be in the restored Sherman tank as it drives over his country's donated vehicles. "We need to work together to remember and respect the past, but also put the past behind us once and for all." Schmeer commented.

Veterans across the country are excited about Harper's announcement and are pleased there is progress in recognizing the veterans service. "This is a great opportunity for us to finally bring closure to our service and enlighten others about forgiveness, and reconciliation." WWII veteran Hal Goodman explained.

Remembrance Day ceremonies across Canada on November 11 will hopefully educate and remind Canadians of the sacrifice and commitment many young men and women made to their country during wartime. Help remember and support our veterans with the donation and display of a poppy as Canada and the world remembers its veterans this week.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Txting, Twitter Shud Elimin8 Need 4 Vowels By 2015: Stdy

The advnt of the Smrt Phone, iPhone & other instnt mssging devices shud eliminate the need for vowels by 2015, & reduce the common alphabet to a more effcnt 18 letters a rcnt stdy has concld. Dr. Freeborn from the Univ. of Minneapolis Language Science Dept has stated that the recnt trend of the global population to reduce the use of certain vowels in their communications via txt messging or “Tweeting” will most likely result in vowels being dropped altogether from everyday use within the nxt five years.

Dr. Freeborn’s stdy comes @ a time when most people are now communicating thru cellular devices for ease & efficiency, evolving the common language to the point where vowels will become obsolete. “The use of instant messaging is a catalyst for the degradation of the common English language, and will eliminate the need for any vowels at all.” Freeborn commented at a recent confrnce on Language Studies in Geneva. Freeborn’s research shows that ovr 80% of all instnt messges transmitted use shortened forms of words to comply with the undr 40 charcters restriction most txt messages have. This resulted in the dropping of vowels, using numbers, or just short forms of words instead.

Freeborn also states in his study that not only will all vowels be eliminated from the alphabet by 2015, but human speech will be unnecessary by 2050, and possibly human contact interaction unnecessary by 2080. Business, dating, and marriage relations will all be done through device messaging, eliminating the need to argue, console or mediate in the uncomfortable and inefficient “face to face” format.

“The trend of using cellular devices to converse, socialize and inform one another will most certainly spell the end of human contact within the next cntry.” Freeborn rpld as he Tweeted about his nxt seminar on his iPhone.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Ormes Furniture Still Attempting To Go-Out-Of-Business After 100 Years

Ottawa - The perpetually going-out-of-business sale at Ormes Furniture continues into its 100th year with a special sale commemorating the fact it has been trying to go-out-of-business for the last 100 years, with little success. Year after year, radio ads announce that Ormes Furniture is finally going out of business, but yet it still continues to survive. This Friday the marketing team at Ormes launch their "No, We Really Are Going Out Of Business Sale, For Real This Time" sale which will offer consumers unbelievable savings on quality wood furniture at unbeatable prices.

Drastic reductions on prices in all departments will hopefully put an end to the continual attempts to go-out-of business at Ormes, which has been struggling to go bankrupt for years and validate their claims they really are going-out-of-business.

Solid wood dining sets, bedroom suites and quality leather sofas have all been priced below wholesale costs to put the business in jeopardy and finally make them actually go-out-of-business as their radio ads constantly claim. "Since 1954 we have been trying to go out of business, but we just can't seem to go into the red enough to actually do it." explained Ormes President, Ned Ormes whose father, Bill Ormes, placed the first "Going-Out-Business Sale" radio ad in 1954. Since then, both Bill and Ned have been attempting to shut down the 150 year old furniture store that first opened on Sparks Street in 1861. "For generations we have attempted to go-out-of-business and end this nightmare of trying to sell discounted real wood furniture." Ned remarked after contacting the local radio station about their "No, We Really Are Going Out Of Business Sale, For Real This Time" ad that will air this week on the CHUM radio network. Ned, a fifth generation Ormes, hopes this blow-out sale will spell the end of Ormes Furniture once and for all. "Let's hope this time we really do go-out-of-business so we don't have to have another door crasher sale next month."