Monday, November 26, 2012

Canada Goose Wearing Hipsters Experienced Arctic Program Before You Even Heard Of It

Ottawa - A group of bearded, youthful aficionados of all things retro and un-mainstream banded together recently to discuss their combined adventures in the Canada Goose Arctic Program, before you even heard of the Arctic Program.  Meeting over micro-brewed organic beers at the Elmdale Tavern in the burgeoning arts district of Hintonburg, the group of 10 or so bespectacled, bearded leaders of the avant-garde reminded themselves, companions and others surrounding them that they were in the special Arctic Program before it was mainstream sometime in the early 2000's. 
Hume in the 2007 Arctic Program before you heard of it.

Cory & Nathan on ice floes in the  2006 Arctic Program
The Canada Goose jacket company launched the gruelling Arctic Program in 1989 which is commemorated with a special patch emblazoned on each of their cold weather jackets. Many current hipsters in urban centres wear the jackets, with most of the general public being unaware that the Canada Goose wearing hipsters all endured the special Arctic Program prior to wearing the jacket for personal use.

Being flown in by the hundreds, many hipsters travelled to the extreme northern latitudes to hang out drinking Pabst Blue ribbon beer, discussing obscure 1980's music albums while building glacial hangouts with ice picks and acetylene torches. Once in the Arctic Program, some decided to explore Iceland, and familiarize themselves with Sigur Ros, a now popular music group that wasn't so mainstream back in the first days of the Arctic Program. Teaching each other how to play banjos and harmonicas while eating deep-fried narwhal blubber tacos on free floating ice floes, many hipsters mapped vast expanses of the Arctic in the Arctic Program before returning to their current urban neighbourhoods. Most of the Arctic Program hipsters used their valuable Arctic Program experience to gain employment at local organic grocery stores, used record shops, vintage clothing stores or coffee shops, and relate their knowledge of Sigur Ros and other Arctic Program experiences to friends.

Josh, and girlfriend, Malaya, in the Arctic Program
"We all ventured into the Arctic Program before you even heard of it, experiencing the unbelievable thrills and cold weather that allow us to wear our Canada Goose Jackets with pride." said Kyle Rayson, 32, who completed his Arctic Program in 2006. "We wear these jackets because we did something before it became mainstream." Rayson remarked. "A lot of people are now wearing these jackets, but we did it before it became popular." he remarked. 

Monday, November 19, 2012

Cat Bus Drivers Hazardous: Watchdog

Wiggles, an OC Transpo cat driver under fire from city watchdog.
Ottawa - The recent hiring of cat bus drivers within OC Transpo has one city watchdog upset and warning they may pose a serious hazard on city streets. With most cat drivers taking over the more stressful bus routes within the city, watchdogs are warning that the cat drivers could suddenly turn erratic, causing sudden changes in direction of the bus, or even applying the brakes dangerously. 

City watchdog, Rufus, says the cat drivers can not be trusted and should be placed in a training program before being allowed to operate transit buses within the city. One cat driver, Wiggles, is upset the watchdog would make such a statement when no accidents or incidents involving cat drivers have ever been reported.

Rufus, city watchdog, thinks the cat drivers are a bad idea.
Passengers riding cat driven buses seem to enjoy the relaxed driving by the cats who are uncannily always on schedule and have not been in any accidents. Some passengers have reported some allergic reactions but no formal complaints have been lodged.

 City officials will continue to monitor the cat drivers and will take the watchdog's recommendation into consideration during the annual Transit Commission Review in early 2013.

Monday, November 12, 2012

New Bank Street Traffic Sign Clears Things Up

New easy to read traffic sign at Bank and Slater intersection.
Ottawa - The myriad of confusing traffic signs on Bank Street just got a little less complicated today when City of Ottawa Traffic Operations crews added a simple, easy to read sign at the intersection of Bank and Slater streets. Once a scene of confusion and uncertainty for motorists, the new sign installed today will help clear up the turning and rush hour rules that hindered motorists in the past. Using 4 easy to read arrow and bold font instructional headers, the new sign should make it easier for traffic encountering the intersection to navigate with ease through the already easy going Bank Street turning lanes.

"We hope to see a 16% increase in ease of traffic flow at the Bank and Slater intersection after this new sign is installed commented Traffic Operation Manager Dwight Yeardley. "The new sign really makes it easy for motorists traveling on the busy street to quickly and decisively make a traffic decision with regards to direction and turning." Yeardley remarked.

Somewhat of a confusing intersection in the past, the new sign adds 4 new restricted passage indications that sharp sighted, quick thinking motorists will easily comprehend. Through flowing traffic is allowed to pass between certain daylight hours on specific weekdays, while left turning cars that are blue are allowed to turn between 2am and 4pm. There are some allowances for hourly transportation regarding time frame and nature of the turn.

Traffic Operations hopes to alleviate the confusion experienced with this new sign, and hopes to install 104 similar signs throughout the downtown Ottawa core in 2013.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Paper Cut Forces School To Ban All Paper

Student shows off finger that suffered a papercut.
Paper products from school being burned after the paper ban.
Ottawa - A student at Westboro Alternative Montessori suffered a nasty paper cut during craft time yesterday, forcing the school to ban all forms of paper products. The student, who had just completed a toddler yoga class, began to cut out a Mobius strip from construction paper and suffered a lesion on his right index finger. The papercut was quickly treated with an Elmo Band-Aid by his teacher, but school officials decided in the interest of safety to ban all paper products from the school.

School Principal Lois-Wasell-Numon took the appropriate measures to ban paper from the school in hopes no other children would suffer the same fate. "This papercut is the result of hazardous handling of paper, and such a product should not be part of our curriculum. " Wasell-Numon stated. "No child will be allowed to bring paper onto school property for the safety of other students who may also suffer papercuts as a result of the paper danger." she remarked before lighting the pile of books, paper, and other pulp based items in a massive bonfire in the playground.

Parents of the injured child hope their son will make a full recovery from the papercut and are pleased Westboro Alternative Montessori made the decision to ban paper from the school. "Our child is constantly threatened by the dangers of life, so eliminating one of them sure makes us feel better." the unidentified mother stated upon hearing the news of the paper ban. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Glebe Begins De-gentrification To Attract Hipster Crowd

Glebe undergoing de-gentrification process to attract more hipsters
 Glebe - The upscale and high-income neighbourhood of The Glebe began intense de-gentrification of its main street and nearby residential streets in an attempt to attract more hipsters and put itself back in Ottawa's trendy limelight. Once known as Ottawa's "trendy" neighbourhood during the 1980s and early 1990s, The Glebe hopes to regain that title by slowly de-gentrifying its assortment of upscale boutiques, fine food stores and wine bars. Taking their place will be grimy, greasy food stands serving artisan like cuisine in a grungy atmosphere favoured by the hipster set in Ottawa. There will also be a city-ordered removal of car parking that will be replaced with bicycle stands for old 1970s style junk bikes to be locked to. Vintage clothing shops, vinyl record stores, and an Urban Outfitters will all be installed as part of the de-gentrification process of the Glebe that begins December 1.

De-gentrification of The Glebe should be complete by 2013
Glebe BIA President Hugh Hutchins thinks the de-gentrification of the neighbourhood to try and attract a more hip, younger crowd back to the Glebe will prove successful and once again put The Glebe in the trendy limelight it once enjoyed. "We once attracted hundreds of young, hip people back in the 1980s but now they all seem to want to hang out in Hintonburg or Westboro." says Hutchins. "We are removing all forms of yuppiness here in the Glebe and hope we can bring back the grungy, up-and-coming feel that so many younger folks seem to gravitate to." Hutchins remarked.

Restaurants in the newly de-gentrified Glebe will only offer $20 and up grease filled food items and beer that you've never heard of that is either micro-brewed or has something infused into it. 

The Glebe is plans to be fully de-gentrified by January 1 with most stores and restaurants being transformed into pop-up places or vintage item outlets by Christmas.