Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Westboro Mom Helps Kids Build Racially Diverse, Gender Neutral "Snowperson"

Westboro- In keeping with her parenting philosophy that children should not be forced into gender specific activities, a Westboro mother of two helped her daughters build a racially diverse and gender neutral snowperson after last night's snow fall. Traditionally referred to as a "snowman", Golden Avenue resident Laura Hayden-Hornberg decided her children should use a more progressive approach to the winter activity and encouraged her children to make the figure in the likeness of someone who is neither female or male and represents all races instead of the usually "white" persona. "My kids need to learn that a snowman can be anyone, not just a white man." Hayden-Hornberg explained. "Too often our children are subjected to a narrow-minded male dominated approach to winter activities, so I wanted to expand their conceptual learning with a diverse and culturally nurturing snowperson."

Hayden-Hornberg's daughters, Kaela, 6, and Rannah, 4 both constructed the snowperson using filtered organic snow from last night's abundant snowfall. "I have a special snow filtering system that filters out any harmful impurities in the snow, making it safe for my children to play in and build their snowperson." remarked Hayden-Hornberg. The daughters then dyed the snow a different colour other than white using special organic dyes and outfitted the snowperson in gender neutral, hemp sourced accessories. When asked what to call their creation, both daughters looked apprehensively at their nearby mother, who suggested they call it "Abiria", a Swahili name used for either a male or female. The daughters then commented how later this week they will use their specially filtered snow to construct a French-Immersion version of the famous "Bon Homme" character but call it "Bon Neige"

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Canadian Tire Guy Seen Offering To Scrape Windshields For Spare Change

Ottawa - Once a popular television personality, the now destitute and desperate Canadian Tire Guy was spotted yesterday offering to scrape ice from car windshields at the intersection of Bronson and Somerset. Asking passing motorists if they would like their iced-over windshields efficiently scraped clear with the MotoMaster IcePic for a dollar, the Canadian Tire Guy was seen to be in a distressed and desperate state. One unidentified motorist who gave the Canadian tire Guy a dollar for his services said he seemed "desperate for money" and that he mentioned "needing cash for Christmas".

Using the patented "ice razor design" on his Motomaster Ice Pic that he once helped promote during his ad campaign with Canadian Tire between 2002-2008, The Canadian Tire guy was happy to assist drivers with their iced over windshields during last night's freezing rain storm in exchange for donations. His efforts to make money were short-lived however when Ottawa Police arrived on the scene and he fled into a nearby park. Known for his informative and overly-helpful television commercials, the Canadian tire Guy was dismissed in 2006 and has rarely been seen since. He follows "Scrooge Approved" Guy who was also dismissed from Canadian Tire television commercials in the late 1990's and has also never been heard from again.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fun New Retro Restaurant All-Smoking

Ottawa - Another hip, new restaurant has opened in the Hintonburg neighbourhood of Ottawa that is a throwback to dining days past. The new restaurant,"Glaze" will offer bland, processed foods along with the opportunity to light up a cigarette during your meal. Bypassing provincial non-smoking regulations due to its historical status, "Glaze" will allow smoking and even offer free packs of smokes with every appetizer ordered. Decorated to resemble a vintage 1967 restaurant and cocktail lounge, "Glaze" owner Gill Handrake believes his new restaurant will appeal to a wide clientele, both young and old. "The young, hipster crowd will enjoy the retro element to the place, and the older crowd will enjoy the dining experience of years past with our full smoking facility." explained Handrake who opened "Glaze" in early December. With a menu consisting of bland, colourless, vegetable-less, high caloric foods, "Glaze" will also offer incredibly strong cocktails served by staff who will call you "pal" or "hun". Smoking is encouraged during your meal with trained bus-boys available to empty ashtrays and light cigarettes for waiting customers.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Justin Trudeau Cast To Play Both Samuel De Champlain And Guy Fawkes In Upcoming CBC Mini-Series

Ottawa - Liberal MP Justin Trudeau was recently selected to play two characters from history in an upcoming CBC mini-series based on events at the turn of the 17th century. Playing both Guy Fawkes and Samuel de Champlain in the television mini-series, Trudeau has recently been spotted in the media sporting his 17th century appearance for the roles. After a foul-mouthed outburst in Parliament, Trudeau hopes to further his Guy Fawkes persona by taking on the role of the 17th century conspirator to topple the English government in 1605. Trudeau will also play the famous explorer and cartographer Samuel de Champlain.

Wearing the appropriate facial hair and hair style of the time period, Trudeau was cast by the CBC to fill the roles after he was approached by CBC producer Lynn Graves, who thought Trudeau fit the role perfectly. "Not just in apperances, but in volatility as well, a factor in successfully portraying both Fawkes and Champlain." Graves remarked. Filming begins in January 2012 on location in Quebec City.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ottawa Christmas Toys As Found In The Sears Wish Book

Occupy Ottawa Junior Protestor Tent - re-create the excitement of camping out for weeks in the cold with these colourful Junior Occupy tents. Bongos sold separately.

Gabby Glebe Adopted Foreign Baby Stroller - Have your child join in on the fun of raising an adopted baby from China or the Slavic states with this fun stroller built for two. Includes two racially diverse dolls.

Arnprior Go-Kart- Start your budding hick off right with this Prior favourite. Includes authentic Valley Accent voice commands. Gun rack not included.

Britannia Beach Home E-Coli Kit-close your own beach with this mini-aqaurium full of playful E-Coli bacteria!

Farrhaven Family Fun Pack- enjoy re-creating suburban life with this exciting WASP family& Golden Retriever! Beige minivan not included.

Westboro Playsafe Patty- Westboro kids will love this realistically overly safetied non-action figure.

That Weird Manotick Horse Chick- Stunningly gorgeous, however this blonde bombshell is weird in that she is more interested in horses than anything else. Comes with own chastity belt.

Confederation Park Remote Control Rat - Have hours of fun racing this handsome rat around your very own Occupy Protestor Tents!

Carling Ave. Endoscopy Playset- perform exciting medical procedures w/this hilariously sterile playset.

Westboro Condo Crane- enjoy building 28 storey boutique inspired condos with this splendidly fun condo crane.

Rideau St. Tot Tattoo Parlour - Have your child re-create barbed wire and butterfly tattoos on the whole family!

Vanier Robber Rascal ATM- Start your budding criminal with stolen PINs w/ this realistic ATM

Rockcliffe Kadillac For Kids - Get your child acquainted with the prestige of owning an Escalade in this scaled down Caddy!

Wellington West Sled Capsule- Muffle the screams of your French Immersion Montesorri bound tot in this handsome plastic bubble.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Taylor Swift Dating Ottawa's Farm Boy

Nashville - Following in the footsteps of fellow country singer Carrie Underwood who dated former Ottawa resident Mike Fisher, country-pop star Taylor Swift has announced a relationship with Ottawa's own animatronic Farm Boy. Recently spotted performing alongside Swift at the American Music Awards, Farm Boy has also been caught on camera with Swift at various restaurants and nightclubs in Los Angeles and New York City.

A shy, somewhat stiff personality, the Ottawa native hails from the busy Farm Boy store on Merivale Road where he entertained thousands of visitors with his laid back country songs of the store's food value, selection and guaranteed freshness. After a chance meeting at the Country Music Awards in Nashville, TN., the two took to the stage to perform some of her hits from the latest album "Speak Now" at the American Music Awards in November. Farm Boy and Swift began a romantic relationship soon afterwards when they mingled at a party celebrating her 10 awards.

When asked about her new relationship with Farm Boy, Swift becomes elusive and only says she is "happy" and "glad to be with someone who is predictable", in possible reference to her previous relationship with the eccentric musician John Mayer. Swift and Farmboy were recently spotted outside the Merivale Farm Boy location last week where Farm Boy still performs once a week as stipulated in his 5 year contract with the Farm Boy store. The couple has also been spotted in the chique Holla Club in NYC and dining at Hintonburger here in Ottawa.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Condo Development Plans For Miniature Christmas Village Upset Retirement Home Residents

Ottawa - The approval of a 28 story model condo development in a ceramic miniature Christmas village at the Devonshire Retirement Residence has some residents upset and wanting answers. A tradition at Devonshire since 1999 when resident Doris Hillman began her quaint miniature village, residents are concerned the new condo tower planned for the model village will ruin the nostalgic feel of their Christmas village and create unwanted traffic woes.

Ashcroft Homes has recently purchased a 6x6 inch parcel of land in the existing village, which currently contains a miniature ceramic cobbler shop that will be demolished according to plans this December 15th. The ceramic cobbler shop was a gift to Doris from her now deceased roommate at Devonshire, and has her upset at the prospect of a condo tower taking its place. "Bethany gave me that cobbler shop back in 2001, and it breaks my heart to know it will be removed for a pile of condos." Doris Hillman remarked.

Director of Planning at Ashcroft Developments, Norm Selger says the planned model condo tower has been in development for over a year now, and should come as no surprise to the Devonshire residents. "We purchased the cobbler shop from Ms. Hillman last year for market value, so I don't see what the problem is." Selger explained. "Our model condo tower is sure to please residents when its finally constructed later this month, and I think it will only add to the miniature village skyline." commented Selger. Selger also boasted the model condo tower will have an LED display and miniature Starbucks at its base.

A medley of ceramic buildings acquired by Hillman through eBay, gifts from friends and relatives, Hillman is saddened her village will be altered but hopes the nostalgic feelings will not be lost. "Sometimes I pretend to walk the quiet, storybook streets of my miniature village as an escape from this dreary place, and I pretend not to hear the moans and chatter or screams of pain. Now all that might be lost." sobbed Hillman, who plans on staging a miniature protest of ceramic figures moved over from the skating rink area of the village.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Town Of Smiths Falls For Sale On Kijiji For $2,800 Or Trade For Muscle Car

Smiths Falls - The municipal government of Smiths Falls has decided to sell their town on Kijiji, an online classifieds website, in attempt to unload their plagued town from further deterioration.
The simple, but informative ad informs buyers it has a number of amenities that make it a considerable value at the asking price of $2,800. The ad explains the price includes all parking, businesses (operating or not) and the prestige of being on the World Heritage Designated Rideau Canal System. The town also boats a Zellers, Country Time coffee shop and a number of fuel refilling stations.

Plagued by factory closures, a failing economy, dilapidated homes and now a municipal water problem, town council has unanimously voted to place an ad on the cost-efficient, but well viewed Kijiji classifieds. Trades for a mid-sixties muscle car or cottage are being considered. At the time, the ad had been viewed 238 times. Smiths Falls Mayor, Lloyd Benson was unavailable for comment.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Ottawa School Replaces Christmas Concert With A Visit From "Holidax" The Androgynous, Holiday-Neutral Robot

Ottawa - Another Ottawa area school has cancelled its annual Christmas assembly for fear it may exclude those students who may not celebrate Christmas, replacing the event with a fun- filled visit from the new holiday-neutral robot called "Holidax". Created specifically for such occasions by the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, Holidax is a 12 foot mechanical robot that will visit schools across the region, delivering holiday cheer to all children, regardless of their Christmas beliefs.

Mary Whitton Public School in Ottawa South will be the second school to cancel their traditional Christmas assembly out of fear they may be excluding some cultures from the festivities, with the principal of the school, Mary Humphrey-Black, gladly signing up Holidax for a student visit. "I think the androgynous, holiday-neutral robot is a wonderfully inclusive way for the students to celebrate the holidays." Humphrey-Black explained. "I understand Holidax includes all children in his presentation, and in 12 languages, and instead of candy canes, hands out a nutritious and allergy free bio-paste treat that is dispensed from a hole in his lower abdomen."

Engineered by Levant Technologies in Houston , Texas, Holidax the Robot is designed to help students celebrate holidays from all cultures through the use of an androgynous body form, that does not discriminate gender, and also in a non-biased format. His inner body contains a healthy bio-paste of flaxseed and corn meal that is dispensed to children instead of unhealthy candy canes for the holiday season.

The OCDSB applauds the use of Holidax and will be implementing him/her into all school Christmas assemblies over the next few weeks. OCDSB President Linda Johnson says the robot will greatly alleviate the cultural differences between students and bring happiness to all children. "Holidax eliminates the need for any Christmas-centric celebrating...we no longer have to put up Christmas trees, do Nativity scenes, have a gift exchange, sing Christmas carols, hire a Santa, or hand out candy canes anymore. I think the children will all benefit from his visits." says Johnson. "Holidax" is also available for office parties and community events where any traditional celebrations need to be neutralized into a safe, and inclusive environment.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

New Ikea To Have Assemble-While-You Wait In Line Option

Ottawa- When the nation’s largest Ikea store opens next Wednesday December 7th, customers will have the unique option to assemble their furniture while they wait in the massive check-out line ups. With the usual wait times in a typical Ikea check out line being approximately 38 minutes, shoppers can now use that lengthy time to assemble the furniture they have in their carts. Ikea Canada President Olaf Ericksson hopes this new feature will alleviate some of the frustrations Ikea customers had waiting in long line ups at the cash registers. “Now people can assemble their “Klimgarrd” side table while they wait in line, making Ikea yet again the most efficient shopping experience available.” Eriksson boasted.

The new “Assemble-While-You Wait” option will have a seprate queue for customers to tear open their boxes and begin assembling their products while ever so slowly inching towards the cash register. In addition to the assembly area, special pneumatic allen key wrenches will be available for customers to use as well as trained Ikea staff to aid in the assembly proecedure. Eriksson believes this new option will add yet another positive note to the Ikea experience, stating, “Now customers can walk out of the store with a fully assembled product, efficiently using the 38 minutes they spent waiting in line.”

Monday, November 28, 2011

Westboro Christmas Parade Features Leaner, More Fit Santa

Westboro - Excited children of the Westboro community were greeted to a sighting of Santa Claus this weekend, although the usually rotund, bearded old Saint Nick looked a lot different from what most kids had expected. The Westboro Santa featured in the parade was no longer a plump, jovial elderly bearded man, but rather a late 40's, active living, healthy, fit and clean shaven man, trading in the traditional red and white plush suit for a form fitting Lululemon yoga outfit. Westboro BIA President Sheila Newman wanted to transform the image of the typically un-fit, overweight, elderly image of Santa Claus, into a more vibrant, healthy and positive image that reflects more of the active-living lifestyle her community represents. "Santa should be a role model for the children, and with our Santa, I think he exemplifies a healthy, fit role model for the Westboro children." Newman explained.

Also modified was the traditional sleigh and reindeer that Santa's parade float usually features, being replaced by a more allergy conscious choice of a team of Labradoodles harnessed to a Subaru Forester supplied by Otto's Subaru of Westboro. "A lot of the parade spectators have severe allergies to animal dander, so we thought the Labradoodles were an excellent alternative." replied Newman, who also had Bridghehead coffee house supply the dogs with head toques made from coffee cups.

Before the children were treated to the sight of healthy Saint Nick, the parade also showcased a number of other Westboro parade participants including a team of Nordic Stick Walkers, a brigade of decorated baby strollers and Bridgehead elves distributing fair trade coffee beans instead of the usual sugary candy canes. A barefoot runner and a recumbent bicycle also joined in on the festive fun.

As the healthier, thinner Westboro Santa Claus finally arrived on his Subaru, many children had mixed reactions, with some crying and hiding their faces from the obviously different appearance of their revered Santa Claus. "Santa looks sick, and why is wearing girl's clothes?" one child remarked as the float passed by. The Westboro Santa waved to the children bellowing his trademark "HO HO HO" in both official languages, and reminded children that due to his lactose intolerance and gluten free diet, to please leave behind prune juice and a flax seed muffin instead of the traditional milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Jovial Swedish Santa, or "Jultomten" To Open New Ikea December 7th

Ottawa- After years in the making, the new Ottawa Ikea store will be opened to the public for the first time December 7th by none other than Santa himself, or as he is known in Sweden, "Jultomten". Bearing ingeniously and efficiently packaged gifts for the children, Jultomten is planned to emerge from out of the 400 foot deep children's area ballroom to ceremonially cut the ribbon and officially open Canada's largest Ikea showroom.

Known for his somewhat creepy Scandanavian holiday behaviour and bizarre gnomish attire, the Ikea Jultomten will silently stalk children throughout the store, pouncing on them brandishing a large, candy allen key in a traditional Swedish manner. Sending children screaming from his presence, Jultomten will then devour raw meat from a freshly butchered goat while singing traditional Swedish yuletide hymns.

Ikea Canada President Olaf Eriksson will be present during the opening ceremony and hopes the addition of Jultomten will add some holiday excitement to the event. "Jultomten is a wonderful character from Sweden who I think will be remembered by the children in attendance for years to come." Eriksson remarked. "He is sometimes feared because traditionally he eats children on Christmas Eve, so we thought the raw goat meat would be a safer alternative for the Canadian children who may not be accustomed to Scandanavian folklore." replied Eriksson.

Jultomen will then take his place on his Christmas throne, which is a modified "Larskrat" chair and take excited children onto his knee where he will regale them with stories of ogres, witches and the Christmas goat before handing them their very own candy allen key to take home.

Eriksson looks forward to sharing some Swedish culture with the excited Ottawa shoppers, and hopes to make Jultomten an annual holiday tradition. "The highly anticipated opening of the new Ikea in Ottawa is expected to draw thousands of Christmas shoppers on our opening day, and with the addition of the jovial Jultomten, it is sure to bring more."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Westboro SUVs Crushed As Stroller Chase Strays Off Sidewalk Into Traffic

Wellington St. W. - Vehicle traffic in the West Wellington Village area was disrupted on a quiet Sunday afternoon after a stroller chase lead to a massive stroller straying off the sidewalk and into traffic. The usually quiet, latte toting sidewalk foot traffic scattered as the errant stroller careened off the sidewalk and head on into a passing Subaru SUV . The climatic end to a 23 minute stroller chase through the baby boutique and active-outerwear lined streets of Westboro and West Wellington Village left 4 vehicles damaged, but no one injured. Police Constable Michaels who responded to the incident said the stroller lost control after being chased by an upset Mother-In-Law who was chasing the stroller and unidentified mom pushing the stroller. The massive stroller narrowly avoided a marble artichoke statue on the sidewalk, careening off the sidewalk and into traffic. Police are still investigating and ask witnesses to the accident to contact their local detachment of the Ottawa Police Department.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

OC Transpo Replaces All Bus Drivers With Honda 'ASIMO' Robots

Ottawa- In a bold and decisive move to improve failing customer service, OC Transpo has fired all bus drivers and replaced them with more efficient and predictable Honda "ASIMO" robots. The change was made effective midnight Wednesday, with the new friendly robots taking their places behind the wheels of city buses Thursday morning.

After a recent string of negative incidents being reported and making headlines over the past week, OC Transpo held an emergency board meeting with an executive decision being made to relieve all current drivers of their duties as of midnight Wednesday, and putting the ASIMO robots in their place. OC Transpo purchased 3,000 of the Honda robots last week sensing trouble from the Transit Union which has come under fire recently for its highly publicized negative customer service. ASIMO is a humanoid robot created by Honda that has programmed Artificial Intelligence that allows it to drive bus routes with ease and on schedule. ASIMO, which is an acronym for "Advanced Step inInnovative MObility" is 4 feet, 3 inches tall and 119 lbs. and can politely deal with all aspects of transit customer service, including irate passengers, transfer or route questions as well as general knowledge information. The robots are programmed to never use profanity, sing, or abandon a bus and can easily navigate traffic situations with the utmost of ease.

Union officials are upset at the recent shift to robot drivers and are investigating legal action with regards to the mass firing of all human bus drivers within OC Transpo. Passengers that frequent OC Transpo services applaud the move with many looking forward to getting to their destinations on time and without trouble. "Now we can all get to work on time and not live in fear of another strike." commented one passenger who shook the robot's hand in thanks as he disembarked from his bus.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Barrhaven Historical Society Rallies To Save 1993 Winners Store

Barrhaven - Residents of the Barrhaven community were greeted Monday morning by the rallying chants and protests of members of the Barrhaven Historical Society as they waved placards in front of the closed Winners store that is slated for demolition next week.

The Barrhaven Historical Society, or BHS, has been lobbying the City of Ottawa to save the historic 1993 building which has stood at the corner of Greenbank and Strandherd Roads for almost 18 years. BHS President Glen Simmons, stood in front of the decaying, stucco and brick building, hoping to bring about a last minute change to the decision to demolish the heritage building. "This has been an important retail hub for many Barrhaven residents over the last few decades, bringing quality name brand merchandise at affordable prices to the community." Simmons remarked. "To demolish this cultural and historic building would be a grave loss for this generation, and generations to come." said Simmons, who has contacted City Hall numerous times to try and save the abandoned building.

Simmons wants the city to recognize the historical significance of the building which utilizes, pre-century architectural details such as polymer stucco, pink and blue detailing, and a tinted glass facade. Simmons believes the building is part of Barrhaven's rich, suburban past and needs to saved. 'This kind of building is truly a reminder of our illustrious retail past." Simmons commented before heading to a Quizno's for a toasted turkey club sub.

The City of Ottawa was unavailable for comment on the matter, but sources indicate the building is being demolished to make way for a new HomeSense store and possible Talbots factory outlet.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Makers Of Popular 'Angry Birds' Launch New 'Angry Bus Drivers' Game

Ottawa- Recent news of an OC Transpo bus driver who lost his temper at a mentally challenged passenger has spawned the developers of the widely popular 'Angry Birds' video game to launch a new app game entitled 'Angry Bus Bus Drivers'. The highly anticipated new game features a disgruntled OC Transpo bus driver in a fit of rage, destroying notable Ottawa landmarks such as the Parliament Buildings, and the more topical Royal Ottawa Mental Health Institute, inspired by the real-life report of an Ottawa bus driver screaming profanities at a mentally ill passenger.

"This new game is a highly entertaining follow-up to our sensationally popular original 'Angry Birds' game, which has sold over 300 million copies worldwide." explained Angry Birds Senior Developer Johann Nustailennen, who helped create the original Angry Birds game in 2009. "Basing our new game on the actual video footage of an OC Transpo bus driver unleashing a rage of profanity laden anger towards a handicapped passenger will bring a certain level of topical realism that I think fans of the original game should enjoy." Nustailennen remarked. After multiple levels of destroying Ottawa landmarks, players can unlock a level where they can ram an angry bus driver down the throat of a meek passenger for bonus points.

The 'Angry Bus Driver' game is officially launched on November 12 at which point customers can download the game app for $1.99 through the App Store. OC Transpo will be earning substantial royalties from the game sales once it is released, but still plans on raising transit fares in 2012 to ensure they can hire only the best, hatred filled, angry bus drivers for Ottawa passengers to enjoy.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Concerned Parents Implement Own Traffic Calming Measures

Wellington West - A group of concerned parents on Huron Ave. in Wellington Village have taken matters into their own hands regarding motorists who fail to slow down on their child inhabited, residential street. After repeated attempts to calm traffic with city-issued traffic calming measures, a group of concerned parents banded together to seek out and destroy speeding vehicles with covertly placed snipers, and a more sternly worded speed-radar sign. The controversial move has raised a few eyebrows at City Hall, but the majority of councillors seem in favour of the vigilante style crack down on residential speeders, and hope the use of extreme force will significantly reduce the speeds of bypassing traffic. "We told these residents a speed bump costs around $5,000 to install." Kitchissppi Ward councillor Katherine Hobbs explained. "In no way does the city endorse the use of violence to reduce speeders in residential areas, but we have seen a significant drop in speeding complaints since the Huron parents hired the sharp shooter." remarked Hobbs.

Motorists frequently will cut through Huron Ave in an attempt to avoid the busy Holland Avenue rush hour traffic, but this has caused numerous issues with Huron Street residents who are worried their children, who play in and around the street, could be injured or killed by the fast moving traffic. "Our kids play in these streets, and it has become increasingly dangerous for them." Huron Avenue resident Keith Archer stated. "We tried using the plastic frog sign with a flag to warn drivers to slow down, but that didn't work, and with the red tape of getting speed bumps installed, we thought contracting mercenary sharp shooters would be more effective in slowing speeders down." replied Archer.

So far 26 motorists have been gunned down for speeding through the residential West End street, reducing speeding by up to 85%. The hired snipers usually aim for the engine block of a speeding vehicle in question, but also have resorted to shooting out tires and fuel tanks. "We use armour piercing rounds that slice through an engine block like a hot knife through butter." hired sniper "Captain X" explained, who remains anonymous for security reasons. "If you are speeding down my contracted street, will be slowed down." the ex-Navy Seal warned.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Halloween Costumed Dogs Go Feral On Owner

Ottawa - Two pet dogs went absolutely feral on their owner after being made to wear ridiculous Halloween costumes which may have triggered aggressive behaviour in the dogs. "Rory" an Alsatian mix, and "Sally" a Golden Retriever were forced to wear an Elvis and fireman dog costumes respectively for a neighbourhood Halloween party but the simple act of "dress-up" turned sour when the two dogs snapped, and then turned on their owners resulting in a viscous attack that leaves 38 year old Terry Howitz in hospital with multiple lacerations.

Dog expert and local veterinarian Dr. Laura Goldstein believes the unprovoked attack is a direct result of the dogs feeling ashamed and dis-respected, belittling their primal pack instincts, and ultimately leading them to lash out through a feral attack. "We see this kind of feral attack behaviour more often around Halloween and Christmas when owners think it's cute to outfit their pets in hilarious outfits, but most pet owners forget these are pack animals derived from the wolf genus, which can lead to an unprovoked attack due to feelings of shame and ridicule." Goldstein remarked.

Pet owners are advised to use caution when donning their dogs in goofy outfits, and to respect the dog's feelings. "Maybe your dog doesn't really want to be dressed as Darth Vader or Elvis." Goldstein commented. "Dogs can be unpredictable, especially when in a super-hero costume."

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Zombies, Fake Cobwebs And Witch Hat Spook Up Local Nursing Home

Ottawa- The usual moans and groans emanating from The Shadesmere nursing home are no longer from the residents, but from the pre-recorded spooky soundtrack the enthusiastic receptionist is playing during the week leading up to her favourite day...Halloween. Kelly Snider, a receptionist at The Shadesmere, has taken it upon herself to “spookify” the reception desk and surrounding area with fake cobwebs, zombie mannequins and by donning a hilarious witch hat to greet and monitor residents as they pass by. “I really wanted to bring some ghoulish flair to these halls, make the residents really feel like they are among the undead this Halloween.” remarked Snider, who wears an oversized witch hat during her shift at The Shadesmere, a seniors retirement and nursing centre located in Kanata.

Residents from The Shadesmere have mixed reactions to the spooky, haunted decor in their hallowed halls, with some residents unable to distinguish the scary mannequins from their fellow roommates. One 92 year old resident was somewhat taken aback by the mechanical ghost that jumps out from a broom closet, sending her to the Emergency Room to be treated for shock. “I guess the spookiness and ghoulish flair is a bit much for some of the older residents, but I think the majority get a real kick out of my Halloween decorations.” stated Snider who passes out molasses candies to residents each Halloween. “A lot of them ruin their dentures with the candy, but I think it’s all worth it.” she replied.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Fall Colours Of New MiniVans, Dying Lawn Grass Draw Huge Crowds To Barrhaven

Barrhaven- Countless crowds of curious onlookers flooded the streets of Barrhaven earlier this week to take in the vibrant colours of the changing lawns and newly leased minivans inside the community. Devoid of any trees or other foliage, Barrhaven boasts an impressive and colourful display of dying lawns and new minivans that paint a mutli-coloured palette of vibrancy within the suburban community. Onlookers from as far away as Pembroke have descended upon the suburb to gaze upon the colourful display of rapidly changing lawns and minivans that transform the landscape.

In contrast to last year’s somewhat neutral palette of minivan colours, the 2011 season brings a wide range of new colours ranging from metallic blues to deep reds that really luminesce under the midday sun. “We just love coming here to look at the new van colours, and with the changing lawns, it really adds an autumn flair to our community.” stated Barrhaven resident Kimothy Handforth, who brought her mother-in-law from Europe to soak in the spectacle of colours. “I knew the lawns were changing colour with the cool nights, but the added vibrancy of the new 2012 model minivans really adds a spectrum of colour.” Handforth’s mother-in-law remarked.

Barrhaven’s lack of foliage and trees has not detracted from the autumn colours in the neighbourhood through the spectral change in home owner’s lawns and acquisition of new model minivans. “The whole neighbourhood is alive with colour as residents buy new minivans and let their lawns disintegrate over the fall months.” resident Gary Muskton commented. The suburb of Barrhaven expects over 5,000 outside visitors to gaze upon their colourful offerings this coming weekend, and hope onlookers enjoy their offerings of colour. “It’s great, we don’t have to rake any leaves because we have no trees, but we can all enjoy the colour variety through our latest minivans and diverse variety of degenerating lawns.” Handforth proudly remarked.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Westboro Welcomes New Organic, Artisan Gun Shop

Westboro- A new neighbour joined the bustling shopping mecca of Westboro this past weekend when "Lulubridgetukah Co-Op" opened its doors Saturday morning to throngs of shoppers making their way through the vibrant neighbourhood. A destination for active living and outdoorsy-type shoppers, the new store will provide discriminating Westboro shoppers with organic, fair trade artisan made hand guns of the highest quality. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op owner Ray Nobleman opened his store to fill the need for a gun shop that provided durable but organically made hand guns for the residents of Westboro and surrounding area. "I knew I wanted to open a shop that offered artisan crafted, fair trade hand guns that were also bio-degradable for active living lifestyles." Nobleman explained. "Now Westboro shoppers have the opportunity to browse our selection of fine weapons and accessories while sipping their latte, or walking their baby in a stroller." remarked Nobleman, whose store boasts over 1,500 square feet of concealable hand guns with a special baby stroller parking area that accommodates the over-sized strollers that most Westboro residents utilize.

A former US Navy Seal, Nobleman brings over 30 years of hand gun experience to Westboro shoppers, who he thinks will be impressed by his wide selection of firearms. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op will also market lessons, and proper holstering instructions to clients who purchase a hand gun at no extra charge. Nobleman also notes his store has a built in firing range where customers can squeeze off a few rounds and test their weapon before purchase.

Lulubridgetukah Co-Op had its Grand Opening Saturday with hundreds of Westboro shoppers stopping in to check out the selection of hand guns and unique accessories that included a stroller holster, and special hemp holster that easily conceals inside a fleece vest. The store is located in between the two Bridgehead coffee shops in Westboro on Richmond Road and can also be found online at

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Westboro Parents Concerned Over Safety Of Fall Leaves

Ottawa- Parents in the Westboro/Wellington West neighbourhoods are voicing some concerns over the safety of the city's tree leaves that have changed colour and fallen to the ground this autumn season. The various multi-coloured leaves strewn over lawns, parks and sidewalks have raised concerns with some parents whose children may frolic in the neighbourhood leaves, leading to possible injury, or worse, unbridled fun. "My little Jadix-Heath was running through a pile of leaves and I screamed for her to get out of them." Anne Glosson-Llewelyn, a worried Westboro mother, remarked. "They could possibly cause an allergic reaction, a cut or even a tumble." Glosson-Llewelyn replied. She joins a group of other concerned parents who want the city to remove all the leaves as quickly as possible before serious injuries occur. "We need the city to get in to our parks and collect and dispose of these dangerous objects before our innocent children suffer the consequences." Pamela Handmere explained, Co-Vice President of W.I.M.P (Westboro Involved Monitoring Parents)

Handmere along with the other concerned parents are afraid the loosely fallen autumn leaves may cause injury to unsuspecting children in the neighbourhood and have formed a website to better help parents prepare for the dangers of leaf piles, blowing leaves and falling leaves. Handmere advises parents to dress their children in protective goggles, safety vests and helmets to guard them from errant leaves which may cause an allergic reaction or mental trauma. "The leaves may look pretty but could lead to something tragic, which we think could be avoided and remedied by the city cleaning up these rogue leaves." Handmere commented.
Concerned parents are encouraged to review for further information on this sometimes overlooked autumn threat.