Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Ottawa - Another hip, new restaurant has opened in the Hintonburg neighbourhood of Ottawa that is a throwback to dining days past. The new restaurant,"Glaze" will offer bland, processed foods along with the opportunity to light up a cigarette during your meal. Bypassing provincial non-smoking regulations due to its historical status, "Glaze" will allow smoking and even offer free packs of smokes with every appetizer ordered. Decorated to resemble a vintage 1967 restaurant and cocktail lounge, "Glaze" owner Gill Handrake believes his new restaurant will appeal to a wide clientele, both young and old. "The young, hipster crowd will enjoy the retro element to the place, and the older crowd will enjoy the dining experience of years past with our full smoking facility." explained Handrake who opened "Glaze" in early December. With a menu consisting of bland, colourless, vegetable-less, high caloric foods, "Glaze" will also offer incredibly strong cocktails served by staff who will call you "pal" or "hun". Smoking is encouraged during your meal with trained bus-boys available to empty ashtrays and light cigarettes for waiting customers.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Ottawa - The approval of a 28 story model condo development in a ceramic miniature Christmas village at the Devonshire Retirement Residence has some residents upset and wanting answers. A tradition at Devonshire since 1999 when resident Doris Hillman began her quaint miniature village, residents are concerned the new condo tower planned for the model village will ruin the nostalgic feel of their Christmas village and create unwanted traffic woes.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Smiths Falls - The municipal government of Smiths Falls has decided to sell their town on Kijiji, an online classifieds website, in attempt to unload their plagued town from further deterioration.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Ottawa School Replaces Christmas Concert With A Visit From "Holidax" The Androgynous, Holiday-Neutral Robot
Ottawa - Another Ottawa area school has cancelled its annual Christmas assembly for fear it may exclude those students who may not celebrate Christmas, replacing the event with a fun- filled visit from the new holiday-neutral robot called "Holidax". Created specifically for such occasions by the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, Holidax is a 12 foot mechanical robot that will visit schools across the region, delivering holiday cheer to all children, regardless of their Christmas beliefs.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ottawa- When the nation’s largest Ikea store opens next Wednesday December 7th, customers will have the unique option to assemble their furniture while they wait in the massive check-out line ups. With the usual wait times in a typical Ikea check out line being approximately 38 minutes, shoppers can now use that lengthy time to assemble the furniture they have in their carts. Ikea Canada President Olaf Ericksson hopes this new feature will alleviate some of the frustrations Ikea customers had waiting in long line ups at the cash registers. “Now people can assemble their “Klimgarrd” side table while they wait in line, making Ikea yet again the most efficient shopping experience available.” Eriksson boasted.
The new “Assemble-While-You Wait” option will have a seprate queue for customers to tear open their boxes and begin assembling their products while ever so slowly inching towards the cash register. In addition to the assembly area, special pneumatic allen key wrenches will be available for customers to use as well as trained Ikea staff to aid in the assembly proecedure. Eriksson believes this new option will add yet another positive note to the Ikea experience, stating, “Now customers can walk out of the store with a fully assembled product, efficiently using the 38 minutes they spent waiting in line.”
Monday, November 28, 2011
Westboro - Excited children of the Westboro community were greeted to a sighting of Santa Claus this weekend, although the usually rotund, bearded old Saint Nick looked a lot different from what most kids had expected. The Westboro Santa featured in the parade was no longer a plump, jovial elderly bearded man, but rather a late 40's, active living, healthy, fit and clean shaven man, trading in the traditional red and white plush suit for a form fitting Lululemon yoga outfit. Westboro BIA President Sheila Newman wanted to transform the image of the typically un-fit, overweight, elderly image of Santa Claus, into a more vibrant, healthy and positive image that reflects more of the active-living lifestyle her community represents. "Santa should be a role model for the children, and with our Santa, I think he exemplifies a healthy, fit role model for the Westboro children." Newman explained.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Ottawa- After years in the making, the new Ottawa Ikea store will be opened to the public for the first time December 7th by none other than Santa himself, or as he is known in Sweden, "Jultomten". Bearing ingeniously and efficiently packaged gifts for the children, Jultomten is planned to emerge from out of the 400 foot deep children's area ballroom to ceremonially cut the ribbon and officially open Canada's largest Ikea showroom.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Ottawa- In a bold and decisive move to improve failing customer service, OC Transpo has fired all bus drivers and replaced them with more efficient and predictable Honda "ASIMO" robots. The change was made effective midnight Wednesday, with the new friendly robots taking their places behind the wheels of city buses Thursday morning.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Ottawa- Recent news of an OC Transpo bus driver who lost his temper at a mentally challenged passenger has spawned the developers of the widely popular 'Angry Birds' video game to launch a new app game entitled 'Angry Bus Bus Drivers'. The highly anticipated new game features a disgruntled OC Transpo bus driver in a fit of rage, destroying notable Ottawa landmarks such as the Parliament Buildings, and the more topical Royal Ottawa Mental Health Institute, inspired by the real-life report of an Ottawa bus driver screaming profanities at a mentally ill passenger.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wellington West - A group of concerned parents on Huron Ave. in Wellington Village have taken matters into their own hands regarding motorists who fail to slow down on their child inhabited, residential street. After repeated attempts to calm traffic with city-issued traffic calming measures, a group of concerned parents banded together to seek out and destroy speeding vehicles with covertly placed snipers, and a more sternly worded speed-radar sign. The controversial move has raised a few eyebrows at City Hall, but the majority of councillors seem in favour of the vigilante style crack down on residential speeders, and hope the use of extreme force will significantly reduce the speeds of bypassing traffic. "We told these residents a speed bump costs around $5,000 to install." Kitchissppi Ward councillor Katherine Hobbs explained. "In no way does the city endorse the use of violence to reduce speeders in residential areas, but we have seen a significant drop in speeding complaints since the Huron parents hired the sharp shooter." remarked Hobbs.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Ottawa- The usual moans and groans emanating from The Shadesmere nursing home are no longer from the residents, but from the pre-recorded spooky soundtrack the enthusiastic receptionist is playing during the week leading up to her favourite day...Halloween. Kelly Snider, a receptionist at The Shadesmere, has taken it upon herself to “spookify” the reception desk and surrounding area with fake cobwebs, zombie mannequins and by donning a hilarious witch hat to greet and monitor residents as they pass by. “I really wanted to bring some ghoulish flair to these halls, make the residents really feel like they are among the undead this Halloween.” remarked Snider, who wears an oversized witch hat during her shift at The Shadesmere, a seniors retirement and nursing centre located in Kanata.
Residents from The Shadesmere have mixed reactions to the spooky, haunted decor in their hallowed halls, with some residents unable to distinguish the scary mannequins from their fellow roommates. One 92 year old resident was somewhat taken aback by the mechanical ghost that jumps out from a broom closet, sending her to the Emergency Room to be treated for shock. “I guess the spookiness and ghoulish flair is a bit much for some of the older residents, but I think the majority get a real kick out of my Halloween decorations.” stated Snider who passes out molasses candies to residents each Halloween. “A lot of them ruin their dentures with the candy, but I think it’s all worth it.” she replied.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Barrhaven- Countless crowds of curious onlookers flooded the streets of Barrhaven earlier this week to take in the vibrant colours of the changing lawns and newly leased minivans inside the community. Devoid of any trees or other foliage, Barrhaven boasts an impressive and colourful display of dying lawns and new minivans that paint a mutli-coloured palette of vibrancy within the suburban community. Onlookers from as far away as Pembroke have descended upon the suburb to gaze upon the colourful display of rapidly changing lawns and minivans that transform the landscape.
In contrast to last year’s somewhat neutral palette of minivan colours, the 2011 season brings a wide range of new colours ranging from metallic blues to deep reds that really luminesce under the midday sun. “We just love coming here to look at the new van colours, and with the changing lawns, it really adds an autumn flair to our community.” stated Barrhaven resident Kimothy Handforth, who brought her mother-in-law from Europe to soak in the spectacle of colours. “I knew the lawns were changing colour with the cool nights, but the added vibrancy of the new 2012 model minivans really adds a spectrum of colour.” Handforth’s mother-in-law remarked.
Barrhaven’s lack of foliage and trees has not detracted from the autumn colours in the neighbourhood through the spectral change in home owner’s lawns and acquisition of new model minivans. “The whole neighbourhood is alive with colour as residents buy new minivans and let their lawns disintegrate over the fall months.” resident Gary Muskton commented. The suburb of Barrhaven expects over 5,000 outside visitors to gaze upon their colourful offerings this coming weekend, and hope onlookers enjoy their offerings of colour. “It’s great, we don’t have to rake any leaves because we have no trees, but we can all enjoy the colour variety through our latest minivans and diverse variety of degenerating lawns.” Handforth proudly remarked.