Monday, September 27, 2010

Massive Convent Now Planned For Lansdowne

Lansdowne Park - In a surprise buy-out from the City of Ottawa, the Sisters of Visitation cloistered nuns have purchased the entire Lansdowne Park area and plan to demolish everything and build a $500 billion dollar convent to replace the one they sold in Westboro last year.

Recent media coverage of the controversial Les Soeurs de la Visitation three-storey stone convent on Richmond Road has brought attention to the fact the nuns need a new home. The site was bought by developer Ashcroft Homes last year and plans for a nine-storey condo with street-level retail, a seniors' residence and designated community space have been announced for the debated Westboro site.

The nuns secretly amassed billions of dollars while at the covent and using funds from the Ashcroft purchase, have made a bold take over bid for Lansdowne Park, an offer the City of Ottawa could not refuse. "We are ecstatic about this recent new development with regards to Lansdowne," explained current Mayor larry O'Brien who signed the deal behind closed doors last night. "They offered us billions, and we are pleased to hear plans for a peaceful convent will be built on the site." remarked O'Brien.

The nuns revealed a develpoment plan during the purchase meeting, showing concept drawings of their new 45 acre convent that will basically cover the entire Lansdowne area. "This will be a state-of-the-art convent featuring wi-fi, internal solar generation, an indoor replica of the Holy Land and a 3,000 square foot confessional and Holy Water swimming pool." commented nun spokesperson Sister Guimond who spearheaded the purchase of Lansdowne. "We are excited to break ground this spring and have a place to call home again after losing our place in Westboro." replied Guimond.

Glebe residents are also excited at the prospect of the convent development since it will be an area of pure silence and lack of fun. "I couldn't be more pleased to hear a quiet place will be built here." Glebe resisbnet Belinda Lukanik-Smith beamed. "No more Super-Ex with its bright lights and washed up 80's bands!" Lukanik-Smith responded before heading back to her herbal garden to culivate organic figs for her book club meeting.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Trendy Parents Devastated Friends Have Cooler Stroller

Wellington West - Proud new parents Matheo Roberts and Sarah Fisher-Roberts were dismayed to learn that close friends have recently purchased a cooler, more elite name brand stroller than their Babe-Trek device they currently operate. Transporting their new child Mosaic-Kaila Roberts down the trendy sidewalks of Wellington West took a saddening turn when the Smirle Avenue parents ran into friends using a better Kid-Rover stroller that features a latte warmer and iPhone holder with GPS.

“We really thought we had the best stroller in the neighbourhood.” commented Sarah, who is on maternity leave from her job as Senior Manager of Regional Managers at Service Canada. “With Jenny and Mike having the better stroller, it really makes us feel uncomfortable.” exclaimed Sarah.

Mike and Jenny, friends who have recently also had a child, Utopia, live on Kenora Street and purchased their Kid-Rover at a baby boutique on Wellington last week. They are thrilled with its advanced features. “The All-Wheel-Drive and traction control really help us navigate the sidewalks along Wellington when we go for our Saturday lattes” commented Jenny, who met Sarah while participating in an Organic Yoga Retreat.

Known for its highly competitive stroller scene, the Wellington West area has become a recent haven for trendy new parents and sales of high-end strollers has escalated to meet the increased demand. Kate Lineman who operates Nipple Biter Baby Boutique said sales for the Kid-Rover are surprisingly strong and there is a three month waiting list for new orders. “That stroller is hard to keep in stock ever since the once popular Goo-Goo-Ga stroller was recalled due to faulty airbags” Lineman explained. “We hope to have more in stock next week but they are the more expensive deluxe models that have Tiptronic Shifting and Bose sound systems”.

Sarah and Mathis later consoled each other with extra grande mocha lattes and are contemplating un-inviting Mike and Jenny from next week’s play date.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Watson, O'Brien Clash At Fundraiser Event, Doucet Clinches Youth Vote.

Ottawa -
The race for Mayor has not just become more competitive, but also more violent with both leading candidates clashing at a fundraiser dinner Tuesday night. Polls are showing both Watson and O'Brien are in a close race for the seat and at a candidate fundraiser,
Watson donned a costume before taking to the stage to address a crowd of guests who paid $100 a plate to hear Mr. Watson speak about local issues and his "tough on crime" campaign platform. Speaking to the eager crowd of guests that he will rid the city of "tyranny, evil and white collar crime," Watson performed various feats of strength, such as lifting an elderly man out his wheelchair, jumping onto a table and also running at a rate of speed that was above his normal shuffle.

As guests applauded Watson and his almost super-heroic feats, the dinner was soon interrupted when the salon hall doors were kicked open by rival candidate Larry O'Brien who stormed the stage and warned everyone to stay in their seats while he removed a sizeable piece of Kryptonite from a briefcase, rendering Watson unconscious. Before collapsing under the powers of the green crystal being held by O'Brien, Watson managed to hurl a buffet warming pan of glazed carrots at O'Brien. Watson then fell to the floor and was rushed to hospital while O'Brien made a hasty exit through a nearby fire escape door to a waiting helicopter.

Witnesses remarked that O'Brien yelled to the crowd that "I will wear the Golden Chain Of Mayor once again!" before exiting and also fired a Kryptonite Ray Gun in Watson's general direction. No one else was injured during the altercation but Watson remains in stable condition at the Ottawa Civic Hospital. Although weakened, Watson has already made
appearances at 34 different events while in a hospital gurney and remains confident of a victory over O'Brien "I am not going to let Mr. O'Brien stop me from doing my job." Watson exclaimed, obviously still ill from the Kryptonite exposure. "Ottawa needs me and I need them." quipped Watson as he headed to the Grandmothers Against Gout (GAG) fundraiser event being held in Ottawa's Vanier district last night.

Meanwhile, Clive Doucet, also running for Mayor, has established himself as the clear winner amongst youth voters in the region, displaying a unique brand of bonding with the city's under-25 voter demographic. Displaying a talented break dancing routine at a local Hip-Hop festival put Doucet as the frontrunner among the youth voters who were impressed by his attempt at break dancing.

When reached for comment about the clash, Doucet remarked "Let me axe you dis, who gots a clean ride wit dem 22 inch spinners? Me! Dem udder boyz is wack!" Doucet was then reportedly seen on Ritchie Street in the West End beat boxing with some residents while handing out his campaign literature.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Economy Forces CHEO To Downgrade Lottery Prize To Trailer Home

Ottawa - Once known for their extravagant "Dream Of A Lifetime" lottery prize of a Minto Dream Home, the CHEO Lottery has recently announced it will downgrade its grand prize from a million dollar Minto home to a more reasonably priced trailer home in the Carleton Place area. The sagging economy and more frugal consumer spending habits has forced CHEO to re-evaluate its prize package and make the decision to replace its high end prizes with more affordable options.

Last year's grand prize home was a 4,000 square foot mansion in a Minto development south of the city, and included a $110,000 sports car, diamond necklace from Jubilee Fine Jewellers and an all-expense paid European vacation. This year's more economically feasible grand prize includes the 854 square foot "Park Regent' model trailer home, a charcoal briquette barbeque and a $100 gift certificate at Denny's Restaurant. CHEO Lottery Spokesperson Linda Nolan commented the prize may be less substantial, but the cause is the same. "Sure you won't be winning over a million dollars worth of prizes this year, but you'll be saving millions of children's lives at CHEO." Nolan explained. A slow economy and a lack of consumer spending on lottery tickets has forced CHEO to make the difficult decision to lower the prize value this year, but hopes next year they will be able to offer a million dollar dream home again. "It may not be a dream home, but the trailer home prize this year offers exceptional value as well as laminate floors, a two piece bathroom and comes furnished compliments of Value Village." Nolan beamed.

Located in a new trailer park outside of Carleton Place, CHEO invites interested ticket buyers to tour the home between October 1st and November 1st. The grand prize draw will then occur on November 12th. "We are seeing a lot of charities having to make cutbacks in their fundraising efforts, and we are one of them." Nolan said. The reduced prize has also reduced the cost of lottery tickets from $100 each last year to $12 this year, or three for $30.

Secondary prizes this year include a jacket from Giant Tiger, an inflatable 6 person pool from Canadian Tire and also a half hour massage from the Massage Therapy course at Algonquin College.

For more information about this year's CHEO lottery you can visit the website or view the prize on location in Carleton Place on County Road 12 just past the OLCO gas station.

Chickadee In Critical Condition After Telling Noisy Crow To Shut The F@#* Up

McKellar Park - A pleasant morning was marred Tuesday when a small chickadee was assaulted, pecked and left for dead by a large crow in the McKellar Park area of Ottawa. Known to area residents for its loud and obnoxious early morning cawing from a telephone wire on Dovercourt Avenue, the large crow apparently attacked the chickadee when it approached the crow and tweeted politely for him to keep it down as neighbouring birds were still trying to sleep. The crow ignored the chickadee's plea for quiet, and continued to caw incessantly for no reason.

After several further attempts by the chickadee to silence the crow, the crow became annoyed and violently attacked the chickadee who was defenceless against the much larger black bird. Fighting furiously for his life, the chickadee tweeted to fellow birds in the area, who came to his aid but only after the crow had inflicted serious pecking to the small bird. A variety of warblers, sparrows and even a rarely seen cardinal fought off the noisy crow who then flew off to a nearby squirrel carcass on the side of the road.

The injured chickadee was rushed to a nearby bird bath where he remains in stable, but critical condition with massive beak lacerations and serious de-feathering. A blue jay has been hired by the chickadee community to hunt down the crow and aggressively force it to find a new wire to sit and caw on.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Loblaws Profits Drop In Q3

Ottawa - Known to many for their innovative and delicious line of “President’s Choice” food products, Loblaws Foods Inc. reported a mysterious drop in sales in the third quarter after launching their latest line of new food products in August. CEO and Loblaws spokesperson, Galen Weston was puzzled by the recent lag in sales, but is confident his new products will soon catch on. “We travel the world to collect unique and delicious food ideas that we know consumers will enjoy, but may not be familiar with.” Weston explained.

The familiar enlarged photographs of food that emblazon their transport trucks to advertise their products may have something to do with the dramatic decrease in sales, but Weston believes the giant, close-up photos of their products is necessary to familiarize motorists with the new products.

“Memories of Head Cheese” and “The Ultimate Tripe Tart” are two new products that add to the popularity of Loblaws own grocery line. “Memories of Head Cheese” combines the delicacy of meat by-products such as tongue, intestines, liver and spleen with a gelatinous coating that contains the meat in a sliceable loaf.

Weston is now reluctant to introduce any further food products until current ones find their niche market for the company. “We were prepared to launch our ‘Turkey Giblet Loaf’ ad campaign but had difficulty photographing the neck and kidneys properly for enlargements on the side of our trucks.” Weston commented.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Barrhaven Refugee Boat Seized In Mooney's Bay

Hogs Back Park - Hundreds of fleeing refugees from the Barrhaven suburban district of Ottawa were found crowded into a freighter boarded by RCMP and Immigration officers Thursday afternoon. In search of a better life in the northern sector of the city, the ship carrying dozens of pale, well groomed, but commuter stressed Barrhavenites was seized and its occupants detained in a nearby quarantine area.

The overloaded boat carrying the refugees made its way up the treacherous Rideau River from Barrhaven before it was stopped by the HCMS Colonel By Naval Frigate on a routine patrol near Mooney's Bay Beach. The captain of the Colonel By signalled the boat to halt all engines but when the boat did not do so, warning shots were fired over its bow and then an elite commando force boarded the boat, seizing it and the occupants, who were found hungry and shivering in the cold cargo bays of the vessel.

"We noticed this ship coming up the channel from the south and thought it was suspicious, since most boats along the canal are full of bare chested retirees, but this boat had a large amount of nervous looking, pale suburbanites who seemed to be on a mission to flee." reported Officer Kendall, who was one of the first officers on the scene.

Seeking asylum and refugee status, many of the boat people pleaded with their captors to be freed from their miserable commuter lifestyle living in vinyl clad boxes, driving minivans, and existing in a treeless environment that leaves many of the Barrhavenites without hope or happiness. Anxious for a better life in the downtown core of the city, the refugees are optimistic they will be given the proper refugee status and begin a new life up river. Tents were set up to accommodate the Barrhavenites once they docked near Hogs Back Park, which lies just off the mainland metropolis.

A vacant emergency ward has been set aside in Riverside General Hospital for "triage, screening and diagnostics," hospital spokeswoman Shannon Marshall told the O-dot.

Healthy migrants will be released back to federal authorities, said Marshall, "while those who require further care will be admitted to an area of the hospital that will be kept separate from the general population."

Immigration officials fear that this recent seizure of a refugee boat is only the first of many making there way from the impoverished Barrhaven district and that "we should be preparing for a massive influx of suburbanites back into the city's core." Immigration spokesperson Helen Morven explained.

Mayor Larry O'Brien could not be reached for comment due to a previous engagement at the Geologiclal Society where he was amassing more kryptonite for his battle with Superman next month.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Wacky Morning Radio Crew Excited About Upcoming Gig At Mattress Mart

Merivale Road- Ottawa listeners of the goofy but informative morning show, "The Jolt" will be pleased to know the crew at LITE 99.9 are having trouble controlling enthusiasm for their "live, on-location" broadcast from the Merivale Matress Mart Discount Depot this coming weekend. The chipper and wacky crew at LITE 99.9 are constantly ecstatic about the gig at Mattress Mart, where unbelievable deals on sleep sets will be announced live, on location.

"I just can't wait to spend my Saturday from 7am til 9pm broadcasting live from the Mattress Mart, bringing deals on bedding to the listening public." exclaimed spunky morning radio personality "Mudcat" Stevens, who is ripe with excitement about his live broadcast from the Merivale Road location of Mattress Mart. "This is what radio is all about, bringing smiles, music and deals on bedding to our faithful listeners." beamed co-host Daryl Kelly who shares the show with Mudcat and Jenny.

Known for their hilarious morning banter from 5am to 10am on Lite 99.9, the jokes are sure to continue into the rest of the day this Saturday when Mudcat airs hourly deals from Mattress Mart. "Where else can you get a queen size mattress set for under $399?" remarked Stevens, who also encourages listeners to stop by so they can pick up their free eco-friendly shopping bag. "Sometimes we have to be more than a wacky morning DJ to our listeners at 7am, we also have to bring information on bedding value."

The seemingly endless hilarity of jokes and safe humour brought to listeners of Lite 99.9 will continue during the live broadcast from Mattress Mart Saturday, where Mudcat hopes to introduce many musical favourites amidst amazing savings on box spring and mattress sets. "We are pretty hilarious with our banter in the studio, but now with the added element of broadcasting live, on location from a Mattress Mart, we are sure to take radio entertainment to a whole new level." Mudcat boasted.

Many listeners may remember the hilarity of a previous live, on location broadcast from The Brick last month where the goofy morning crew broadcast deals on furniture and electronics. The Mattress Mart gig is sure to top last month's broadcast, and Mudcat hopes people will stop in and experience the savings. "Our witty banter is one thing, but promoting quality single coil mattress sets is no joking matter." exclaimed Stevens.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Guy In Coffee Shop Fails to Attract Attention After 5 Hour Stay

Wellington West - The guy who is frequently seen at the popular coffee shop "Bridgehead" once again failed to attract any female attention after a record 5 hour stay at his corner table. Hoping to at least garner a passing smile or acknowledgement of his trendy yoga bag, the mid-thirties Government worker says he will not give up and will return tomorrow to surf the net and drink lattes at the busy coffee shop.

Introducing himself only as "Gary", hopes are high to attract attention tomorrow when he plans to bring even more intellectually stimulating props, such as novels by obscure Russian authors, an organic knapsack from Machu Picchu, and a bamboo briefcase. "It's just a matter of time before an equally interesting person will ask to borrow my extra chair or the orgnaic honey I bring from home and display on my table." Gary mused. Most customers that frequent the shop are similarily equipped at tables throughout the premises, but none are as committed to their stay as Gary who usually sits at his table for up to 4 hours at a time.

Of particular interest is the fact that Gary has high speed internet access at his recently purchased one bedroom condo down the street, but prefers the louder, more ambient atmosphere of Bridgehead to check emails, post blogs and book GAP adventure trips. "Why would I want to work undisturbed at home when I can come here and take up table space while I sip my one latte for 5 hours?" Gary explained.

Plans to return tomorrow may have to be put on hold for the time being since a massive 5 wheeled stroller was crushed into the coffee shop by an over-zealous new mother whose designer sunglasses impaired her vision, spilling organic milk onto Gary's laptop rendering it inoperative. "That's ok, at least I can still use it as a prop even if doesn't work and just read my Latvian Screen Writers Guidebook instead." remarked Gary.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Apple Launches New iGun For American Market

California - In a surprise launch Thursday afternoon, Apple's CEO Steve Jobs enthusiastically introduced his company's latest product, the much anticipated iGun. Geared towards the growing criminal and gangster market in America, Jobs revealed the iGun with great fanfare and treated the press to a demonstration, firing several rounds into the ceiling and then almost simultaneously Tweeting about it on the cellular weapon device.

Jobs explained this latest product from Apple will not only provide its users with 4G communication and data capabilities, but also personal protection and advanced defence convenience. Combining the technology of the already popular iPhone, with the robust firepower of a 9mm, Jobs hopes the iGun will reach the growing gangster and criminal market that he thinks has been overlooked in the past. "Sometimes you need to protect yourself or fire a few rounds for personal reasons, but also record or update your media profiles about these events that just took place. The new iGun will be able to now do both." Jobs explained.

A host of new apps have already been planned in conjunction with the iGun's October release, with many related to the product's features as a hand gun. Such apps include "Round Count" that informs the user how much ammo is left in the device. "On Target" is an app that helps the owner with their aim using a special gyroscope function. Of particular interest current is the "Tracker App" that allows users to GPS monitor certain individuals for targeting purposes.

Now with both firepower and cellular services combined, Apple has the advantage over its competitors who are somewhat surprised by the product's versatility. "We knew they had something up their sleeve, but this is amazing." stated Nokia chairman Hans Glummer, who noted his company will be offering a similar product in the spring.

The iGun will only be available through Apple retail outlets in the United States, and require a permit to purchase. Suggested retail price will be $499 USD.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

OC Transpo Introduces Plan To Improve Service

Ottawa - The city's transit system is about to improve dramatically according to OC Transpo head, Gil Fallon, who launched new initiatives to improve Ottawa's beleaguered bus service. At a press conference early Wednesday morning, Fallon unveiled a bold new plan that includes personable stop calls, a new 24km articulated bus, and the swift removal of any head grease stains on bus windows.

After much consideration, OC Transpo has decided to drop expensive plans for an automated PA system to call out route stops, instead choosing a more economically feasible plan to hire former NORTEL employees using megaphones. This new plan will not only employ hundreds of previously unemployed Nortel workers, but also offer riders a more personable and intimate ride experience. "We hope our clients will enjoy the live call-outs as opposed to the cold, computerized system we had originally considered." Fallon explained. Former Nortel employees are excited at the chance to work again and be integrated back into the work force. "I can still wear my ties and interact with the public in a positive manner." Jim Lisk remarked as he attended megaphone traing sessions yesterday.

OC Transpo also has recently purchased a 24km long articulated bus that will alleviate wait times and crowding along the Transitway. "Now folks can just hop on one gigantic bus and since the Transitway is only 27km to begin with, the bus will only have to travel a short distance conserving fuel and operating costs." stated Fallon. Some riders are concerned they will have to walk great distances once inside the bus, but moving pedways along the center aisle have been installed to address the issue.

Over 100 new janitorial staff have been hired by OC Transpo to swiftly remove the head grease stains that predominant most bus windows in an effort to improve service. "Riders used to not look out the windows because they were repulsed by the grease stains from people falling asleep against the glass, but now with our clean-up staff, we hope they will once again enjoy the beautiful scenery the city has to offer." Fallon urged.

Rider morale is projected to rise considerably with this new "action plan" and already there seems to be a positive response. "I can't wait to hear the megaphone call-outs in a clear, discernible voice. Being blind, I rely on the stop calls and before I could hardly make out the garbled, distorted sounds coming from the driver." Holly Nerbin exclaimed. "And the new super- long bus should make missing my bus a thing of the past."

Monday, September 6, 2010

Eco-Friendly Vehicles With Kayaks Now Mandatory For All Westboro Residents

Westboro - City Council unanimously voted to make it a mandatory for all residents of the Westboro area of Kitchissippi Ward to own an eco-friendly vehicle with a roof mounted kayak. The new bylaw takes effect this Friday September 10, and any residents not complying will be faced with a $109.34 fine.

With most residents of Westboro already complying with the regulation, the transition should be an easy one for most of the neighbourhood, although some residents are upset and think that City Council has gone too far. “Last year they made us all use giant three wheel strollers for our children, the year before that we could only have Labradoodles as pets, and now this year, a hybrid/kayak combo?” exclaimed Denbury Avenue resident Barb Holden who recently bought a Porsche Cayenne SUV instead of the preferred hybrid/kayak. “I even became an organic vegan and wear Lulu-Lemon as requested by our property purchase contract, but each day I’m finding it harder to live in the neighbourhood” remarked Holden.

Kitchissippi Councillor Christine Leadman explained the hybrid/kayak combo will not only help the environment, but ensure the Westboro area has a consistent appearance. Residents will still be free to choose the type of hybrid vehicle they own, but the kayak must be yellow and be purchased at either Trailhead or Bushtaka. “The neighbourhood has an image to maintain, and we need to make sure that image is strictly enforced.” Leadman stated.

The predicted increase in kayak sales will not necessarily mean an increase in usage on the Ottawa River, since most owners will simply have the kayak on the roof of their car for decorative purposes. Bushtaka owner, Hal Williams explained. “Most kayak and roof rack sales are to project an ‘outdoorsy, adventurous’ image of the owner, but rarely is the kayak actually used.” Williams has already pre-ordered 5,000 yellow kayaks in anticipation of the new bylaw, and expects demand to be gradual, but steady. “This trend will probably exceed the fleece sweater-vest trend of 1998, but we are confident our store can supply our customers with the look they need to reside in this wonderful and dynamic neighbourhood.”

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Mayor McCheese, Spartacat Announce Candidacy For Mayor

Ottawa - The race for Mayor continues to heat up as both Mayor McCheese and Spartacat filed their nomination papers at City Hall this afternoon. McCheese held a press conference outside City Hall and spoke to the media and supporters about his upcoming campaign in a firm, but jovial manner. "I vow to make this town a deliciously enticing city to live in while delivering, fast, hot and great tasting service to its citizens." exclaimed McCheese. The media quickly barraged McCheese with questions regarding Lansdowne Park and transit issues, but a hovering flock of seagulls began to attack McCheese's bun head and he soon retreated to a waiting limousine. Before departing McCheese did announce that he looks forward to crushing his opponents and hopes the citizens of Ottawa will make the "right decision" when they go to the ballots on October 25.

Known for his tough stance on crime, many will remember McCheese's prosecution of the Hamburglar in 2004, and his recent deportation of Grimace back to his country of origin. McCheese is also known for his controversial development plans for Lansdowne, which integrates shopping with fast food and a 10,000 square foot "ball room" and slide area.

As McCheese left his press conference, Spartacat then took the stage, but due to an inability to speak, began firing his trademark hot dog gun into the audience, delivering a warm lunch to many onlookers. As the media hounded Spartacat with questions about his candidacy for Mayor, he became excited and started dancing to MC Hammer's uplifting song "Can't Touch This" and then moonwalked off stage.

Fellow candidate Jim Watson was unavailable for comment due to appearances at 34 different venues that day, but current Mayor Larry O'Brien remarked "The race for Mayor gets more and more interesting each day, but with my stockpile of Kryptonite, Superman and his Legion of Superheroes won't stand a chance." O'Brien was then seen exiting City Hall in a helicopter apparently en route to his secret lair.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Office Workers Seriously Sunburned During Extended Patio Lunch

Preston Street - What was supposed to be a casual lunch break took a tragic turn Wednesday afternoon when 3 members of the Systems Sales Branch of LogiTex Corp. suffered major sunburns during an extended patio lunch. Initially the lunch was supposed to be no more than an hour, but when Chad Kinsler joined the table, things got crazy, and two more pitchers of Coor's Light were ordered and the UV rays took their toll on the unaware patrons.
After enjoying a delectable assortment of Munchie Platter items, the group of 3 office workers thought they might order another round of drinks after closing the important Lynksys Account, but with the UV index in the high 8 range, the unknowing cubicle workers were bombarded by damaging radiation from the sun resulting in massive sunburning, with 2 members of the group being rushed to hospital soon after the third pitcher. "Glen was just laughing at a joke I made about our the secretary, and then he just collapsed into his blue cheese dressing" exclaimed Rob Siddler, a co-worker who was part of the patio lunch. "The weather was good, the waitresses were bringing us drinks, and before we knew it, we were in the sun for like, 3 hours straight." Siddler remarked.

Ambulances arrived at the patio restaurant on Preston, and the two sun-stroked victims were treated at the nearby Civic Hospital. Local physician Margot Harmstein gave some insight to to the tragedy. "A lot of these office workers sit in subdued fluorescent light all day, and then they go to a patio and sit in direct high UV sun for hours, resulting in exposure trauma." Harmstein warns the over zealous office workers should remain in the shade to avoid further tragedy. "Just keep in the shade and remain hydrated." Harmstein advised.

The unidentified office workers still remain in hospital but are expected to recover in time for the Friday Rib Off Barbecue on the patio beside the LogiTex office.