Thursday, March 31, 2011

My First Blog!....written before my first latte! LOL!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to my blog! I purchased the rights to this blog from the previous blogger after my husband told me to do something during the day other than drink wine with the girls after yoga! LOL!

I've never blogged before but feel I have lots to talk about, since my days are pretty hectic living in such a great part of Ottawa! For example my day started with me making organic-locally harvested lunches for the kids using nut-free ingredients and packing them carefully in re-usable hemp bags. After dressing them in colour-co-ordinated Junior Ralph Lauren outfits purchased from the good people at Red Chair Kids, we hopped in the new BMW and scooted them to their 6:00am You-Go! Yoga class for kids. Some tears and screaming, but it was in French, so I guess the French Immersion is working! C'est Bon!

I then went home to change into my latest LuluLemon outfit and donned my over-sized sunglasses and headed to not one, but all four Bridgeheads that line the street! I had to take off my sunglasses because the shadows from the many loft condos made me run into an oversized stroller which turned out to be Linda from my spinning class! She was on her way to pick up her new kayak to mount to her Subaru Outback's roof.

Then the day got a little crazy when I walked into a sale at a Alteriors Boutique Furniture store where I spontaneously decided to buy a new $9,000 ottoman for the living room. Of course it was only available in "Muted Bone" so I had to go to the organic tile store next door to pick out tile samples to compliment the ottoman. Can you believe I have to wait for 12 weeks for the Libyan granite? Something about a civil war? Sheesh!

A trip down Wellington wouldn't be complete without a salmon pate confit from Thyme and Gain where I happened to see the girls from the Book Club. Well, didn't we get into the Zinfandel and eat way too many vegan brownies! LOL!

Then off to Yelling Yoga where we all yell at the top of our lungs while doing yoga..apparently this is all the rage in New York, and I must admit I felt relieved yelling all those profanities about my husband, but the yogi said it was therapeutic.

Feeling riled and somewhat still saucy from the Zinfandel, I headed into Tuesday's the Romance Store where I ran into about 34 other repressed housewives eager to get sexy in silk! We had quite a giggle at the new outfits that just came in...some even had lace!

Well didn't I check my iPhone and notice it was time to pick up the kids from their after school Tibetan cardio-breathing technique class, so I hopped into the BMW, cranked some Katy Perry on Majic 100, and headed home where my husband brought us home some Artisan Mac and Cheese and Tofu pizza! Yeah! Better scarf it down so I have time to get ready for the Book Club meeting at Juniper! Chapter one, chocolate martinis! LOL!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Scott Street Pothole Turned Into Delightful Koi Pond

Ottawa - After a minivan was destroyed by falling into a large pothole on Scott Street, city officials have decided to turn the 8 foot deep hole into a beautiful koi pond stocked with exotic koi adopted from the tsunami ravaged city of Hirokika, Japan. City Roads Department officials made the decision earlier today after it was deemed more cost-efficient to turn the pothole into a koi pond rather than repair the dangerous hole with asphalt.

"We really think this will enhance the beauty of Scott Street and give motorists a chance to enjoy their travels along the roadway." exclaimed City Roads Department head Glenn Mollack, who attended the ribbon cutting ceremony along with Mayor Jim Watson. Watson also praised the new koi pond as part of a "green initiative" City Council is trying to promote through such projects as the pothole koi pond. "Now as motorists slalom along Scott Street trying to avoid damaging potholes, they can relax for a moment and enjoy the tranquility of this wonderful koi pond." Watson commented.

A number of complaints were filed by city motorists about the large, and often treacherous potholes that scar Scott Street, with one motorist completely destroying their Toyota Sienna minivan after it fell into an 8 foot crevasse. It was later announced that a number of other koi ponds will be created in more potholes as soon as warmer weather arrives.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Canadians Excited About "Roll-Up-The-Rim To Be New Prime Minister"

Ottawa - Tired of having to deal with yet another election to determine who will be Canada's next Prime Minister, Canadians are excited to turn to their coffee to have a chance of winning the seat as Prime Minister. Coffee giant Tim Horton's launched today their new "Roll Up The Rim To Win Prime Minister" contest that allows customers to roll up their coffee cup rims to see if they win the coveted leader's position.

Tim Horton's President and CEO Herb Macklin officially launched the promotional campaign from a franchise store in Ottawa earlier this morning and is excited to offer Canadians a chance of becoming Prime Minister through this exciting new contest. "I sat down with the Governor General and discussed in great lengths how Canadians are sick and tired of the constant election barrage every year, and we worked out this amazing contest where one lucky winner will be awarded the prize of Prime Minister." Macklin stated from a podium at the the local Tim Horton's outlet. "You have a 1 in 30 million chance of rolling up a rim and discovering you will be a resident of 24 Sussex Drive!" exclaimed Macklin to an excited crowd of coffee swilling Canadians who gathered in the store to try their luck at winning the prize.

Recent polls show most Canadians are tired and apathetic towards yet another election, but are excited about the Tim Hortons contest. "I'm sick of all the government bickering, so this new contest is a nice change." Tim Hortons customer Glenn Droppo commented as he ordered a double double. "I'm grateful we now have an alternative to the current circus going on, and at the same time enjoying a cup of joe."

The "Roll-Up-the Rim To Win Prime Minister" contest closes May 2, when the winner will be made Prime Minister in a special ceremony at Rideau Hall.

Friday, March 25, 2011

New Glebe Footbridge Sponsored By Birkenstock

The Glebe - Residents of the Glebe neighbourhood are excited to learn that the proposed footbridge across the canal will be sponsored by footwear manufacturer Birkenstock, who plans to finance the construction of the bridge when it begins in 2012. Already a popular choice of footwear for almost the entire population of the Glebe, Birkenstock is enthusiastic about sponsoring a footbridge where many of its users will already be outfitted in their comfortably unstylish sandals. "We couldn't be happier to help build a bridge that will finally connect Birkenstock wearers on both sides the waterway." commented Birkenstock President Helmut Schmidt from his office in Berlin. "85% of our sales originate from the Glebe area, so we are pleased to have a chance to give back to the neighbourhood in this exciting way." Schmidt explained.

Many Glebe residents are also excited at the prospect of now being able to cross over from one side of the canal to the other on foot, instead of having to ride bicycles or walk around to the nearest bridge. "This is great, now I can slip on my Birks, grab a cup of green jasmine anti-oxidant tea along with some organic flax seed muffins and head over to my friend's place across the canal without having to drive my Subaru." responsed Tara Klyndall, a longtime Glebe resident who works making organic wooden bead necklaces for the local Organic Fair Trade retail store "OrganicDonor".

Birkenstock plans to finance construction of the bridge next year, when the recycled material, organic, compostable bridge begins construction. Plans have also been made to attach rain barrels to the bridge and to charge a bridge toll for anyone crossing the footbridge not wearing Birkenstock sandals.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sandy McTire Backs New Budget After Tories Announce Canadian Tire Money Now Official Currency

Ottawa- Well known retail personality, Sandy McTire from the Canadian Tire Corporation fully endorsed the new federal budget announced today, holding a press conference urging Canadians to do the same. Known for his fiscal prudence and year round savings on quality merchandise, McTire made it clear that he supports the Conservatives new federal budget. His announcement came on the heels of Finance Minister Jim Flaherty formally endorsing the use of Canadian Tire money as a form of Canadian currency nationwide, bringing McTire a whole new level of fiscal stature. Distributed previously at all retail store locations in denominations of 5, 10, 25, 50 cent bills as well as a one dollar bill, the CTC bills are now officially accepted as common currency nationwide effective June 10, 2011. McTire also feels many Canadians are "tired" of the political games between parties, hoping an election does not take place as predicted. McTire expressed his disinterest in holding yet another election, which will disrupt the lives of all citizens of Canada, and bring an already tedious view of federal politics to a dangerously volatile level. "The wee lads and lasses out there are not liking this constant election fodder." McTire explained. "Aye, we just want to get on with enjoying our lives and going to places like Canadian Tire on a Saturday mornin' and pinching some savings out of a new patio set or the like." McTire remarked in front of a packed media frenzy.

Famous nation wide for his jovial and thrifty attitude towards Canadian retail purchases, McTire was pleased to see the new budget addressed reducing the deficit within five years and savings for middle class citizens who frequent his retail stores. He hopes other Canadians will also see the benefits of Flaherty's budget announced earlier today. Usually keeping out of the political limelight, McTire felt it necessary to step up and make his Scottish lilted voice heard in the House Of Commons today as the opposition parties shot down the new budget and catapulted the country towards a spring election campaign that could begin within days.

"Me thinks those other lads, Mr. Moustachio, EyeBrow Iggy and that Bug Eyed French Fry are just causing a ruckus over this budget to rattle some sabres, and me thinks most Canadians are just wanting this damn winter to be over with so we can down a few pints on a patio or wash our cars without them getting dirty again after ten minutes." McTire exclaimed before heading back to CTC Headquarters where he resumed work on his goal of making Canadian Tire money a globally traded commodity.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

New Toddler Friendly Bar Opens In Wellington West

WEST WELLINGTON - A new bar has recently opened and will be catering to the trendy, hip parents of the neighbourhood by welcoming toddlers and babies to join their doting parents as they get intoxicated with other, trendy, hip patrons. Called “Soothers”, the new bar on Wellington Street opened Friday night to an exuberant crowd of stylish parents cramming giant strollers and their crying babies under one roof. The bar is unique in that it welcomes babies and toddlers to join adults in drinking and staying up late beyond their bedtimes, allowing young parents to share an understanding of of how hard it is to leave their child at home with a relative or worse yet, a baby-sitter.

Once deemed unacceptable to bring a toddler into a drinking establishment, it is now becoming common practice for many younger parents to bring their babies into bars or nightclubs so they don’t miss out on what their other non-parent friends are doing. “I really don’t want to leave little Kyla alone with a babysitter when I can just bring her along with me. This way I can constantly be with her while I get wasted with my other friends who don’t have babies, and everything is cool.” explained Soothers patron Naomi Heatherington, 32, who never leaves her toddler’s side. “They have 12 different pablums on tap and a breast feeding booth so it’s really convenient.” Heatherington remarked.

Soothers owner and manager, Katie Deluth, is excited about the prospect of being able to accommodate parents and their babies in a bar setting. “It’s just what the area needed...a place for those parents who are just not ready to give up their previous bar/nightclub lifestyle.” Deluth explains. “Before parents would cart their toddler into bars and have to endure the lack of apple juice, Goldfish and Arrowroot cookies on the menu, but at Soothers we have it all, but also a great martini menu for the parents to enjoy.” commented an excited Deluth, who also brings her 3 year old son to the bar and keeps patrons entertained with his “cute” antics, like throwing tantrums and smashing cake into his face.

Soothers is located at 1123 Wellington Street West and has stroller parking for 24 machines and a baby changing table located on the bar. Hours are from afternoon nap time to 2am, Wednesday to Sunday.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Ottawa Scrambling To Open Another 34 Pubs In Time For St. Patrick's Day

Ottawa - The city of Ottawa is in a state of disarray as it scrambles to open 34 more fake Irish pubs in time for St. Patrick's Day. With only 1,234,676 pubs to choose from in Ottawa, citizens are growing concerned they may not have a place to pretend they are Irish for one day. "Where will I go dressed in green doing my best Irish accent?" commented Bruce Jones, a financial advisor who is worried there won't be enough pubs for everyone to celebrate in. "This is the one time a year Ottawa needs to open more pubs than ever, and with only 5 pubs every 1 kilometre, there just won't be enough room for all of us." Jones replied.

A recent study has concluded that there is an average of approximately 24 pubs per square kilometre within the city limits, but that figure drops dramatically to 2 pubs per square kilometre in suburban areas like Barrhaven or Kanata, where pubs are relegated to big box malls or strip malls.

Mayor Jim Watson has called an emergency council meeting to organize a secondary plan of action if the 34 new pubs slated for opening on St. Patrick's Day fail to open on time. "The city requires at least 34 more pubs to open if this St. Patrick's Day is going to be a success." Watson exclaimed as he put into action a team of people to scour local junkyards and antique shops to purchase zany, eclectic and pub-like paraphernalia to adorn the walls of the many new pubs. Watson further proclaimed that he will be dressing up as the Lucky Charms leprechaun on March 17th in honour of St. Patrick's Day. "I have Hobbs dressing up as a Purple Horseshoe, so all we need now are these new pubs to open so I can make an appearance at all of them." Watson remarked.

Cereal Personalties Jailed After Drunken Brawl Downtown

Ottawa - The annual Cereal Mascot Conference held this week in Ottawa turned violent after an altercation between characters which resulted in six arrests and three persons being sent to hospital. Held annually to bring the multitude of usually happy, upbeat cereal personalties together to discuss the future of breakfast cereals, things took a turn for the worst when the conference happened to fall on St. Patrick's Day, resulting in an over indulgence of alcohol at the Westin Hotel where the conference took place.

Police report a very belligerent character, "Lucky The Leprechaun" from Lucky Charms cereal started to bad mouth Snap, Krackle and Pop, from Rice Krispies after they were overheard commenting on the provocative appearance of the SunMaid Raisin Girl. Words were exchanged and cereal personalties began to choose sides, resulting in a heated rivalry. With Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam and the Honey Smacks Frog joining Lucky Charms, an opposing force of characters joined Snap, Krackle and Pop. HoneyNut Bee, the dopey but strong Sugar Crisp Bear and the older but still wise Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chefs aided Snap, Krackle and Pop in an all out brawl that resulted in six arrests and sent three to hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

Police are continuing their investigation but have charged Lucky the Leprechaun with public drunkenness and vomiting soggy Frosted Lucky Charms onto a police cruiser. It was later reported the SunMaid Raisin Girl who started the whole altercation was seen leaving the hotel with Count Chocula.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Birthmark Ruining Spring Break For Queen's Student

Fort Lauderdale - A first year Queen's University student is facing a tough time in Fort Lauderdale this Spring Break due to an unfortunate birthmark on his upper torso. Dwayne Keeler, 19, a first year Arts student at Queen's University, is grappling with the fact his chances of meeting a female companion may be reduced to zero due to his Star Trek themed skin formation below his right shoulder.

The birthmark resembles the Starship Enterprise from the hit science fiction television and film series "Star Trek", which is popular with science fiction and comic book fans around the world. With Keller's sole intention of Spring Break being "to meet chicks" and "getting totally hammered", he may have to adjust his game plan or alternatively wear a shirt while on the beach. "It's not fair I was born with this stupid Enterprise birthmark, all the girls think I'm some Star Trek nerd when I hit the beach or work out." Keller explained. "Just last night me and my buddies were doing beer bongs down at the volleyball court and this chick yelled 'hey nerd, set phasers on loser!' and laughed at me." lamented Keller who is currently seeking a dermatologist about getting his Enterprise shaped mark removed. "I don't even know what Star Trek is, I haven't seen one episode, but I do know its killing any chances I have getting laid down here." Keller remarked from his hotel room near the pool before going shirtless with 10 other shirtless college students to a Bacardi Rum Beach Slam.

Joining hundreds of other college students in Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break celebrations, Keller hopes to have his birthmark removed by the summer when he will be employed as a College Pro painter, and be forced to work shirtless, exposing his birthmark to the judging public once again. "The sooner this thing gets removed, the better my chances are of picking up chicks down at the Hope Volleyball Tournament this summer." said Keller before putting his baseball cap on backwards and heading poolside to do some shooters.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Shoppers Drug Mart Faces Tough Competition From Shoppers Drug Mart Across The Street

Bank St. - A popular Bank Street Shoppers Drug Mart is facing an uncertain future as they compete with a recently opened Shoppers Drug Mart across the street. Sitting roughly 50 feet away from the current Shoppers Drug Mart, the new, larger Shoppers Drug Mart has managed to steal business away from the original Shoppers Drug Mart with brighter lights, a bold cosmetic department and refrigerated grocery items. The original store also carries the same, but the newer store has a fresher scent and more attentive staff.

General Manager of the older store, Dudakar Mundaki, says the new store has taken away approximately 75% of his business, and could possibly force his store to upgrade to the brighter lights and cleaner scent. "I know it's the Shoppers Drug Mart Corporation mandate to have a store located every half kilometre in Ottawa, but I had no idea I would be losing this much customer traffic." Mundaki remarked. His store opened in 2010 after the original Teasel's Apothecary was demolished at the current location, and the new store across the street was opened in February 2011, on the site of another neighbourhood family pharmacy business that had been there for over 100 years.

The new Shoppers Drug Mart, managed by Halal Yemala, has already seen a steady stream of new customers add to their profits, with most purchasing cosmetics for no apparent reason when they walk into the store. "I had some girl in a lab coat forcibly apply lipstick to me, and now I'm walking away with $150 worth of make-up when all I went in for was a carton of milk." explained excited customer Ruth Jenner, who usually shops at the older store across the street. "I just like this Shopper's better because I usually walk on this side of the street." Jenner answered when asked why she chose the newer store.

Plans are already underway for a third Shoppers Drug Mart to open underground in 2012, between the two existing Shoppers, with access through a manhole in the middle of the street.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Florida Seniors Stoked For Another Spring Break

Fort Lauderdale - Retired Florida senior citizens are completely stoked about the influx of thousands of party-ready college students next week and can't wait to get "totally s---faced" alongside their younger companions. Hundreds of wintering Canadian seniors are bracing themselves for the party event of the year as their sleepy, well-manicured condos prepare for the over 20,000 gregarious under-25 year olds who descend upon their senior-lifestyle next week. "I really look forward to the young lads with no shirts urinating on the beach." remarked Sunset Pines resident Glynnis Haverton who has spent the last five years of her retirement enjoying the revelry of Spring Break beside her beachfront condo. "We usually beer bong with them, but last year it gave me terrible gas pain, so this year we'll use the dietary supplement beverage Ensure instead." an excited Haverton replied.

With many of the college crowd invading quiet Florida beaches to get intoxicated beyond belief, some residents are hoping they will be able to share in the fun, and forget about the hardships of being retired in Florida. Bringing excessive drinking to the retirement scene, many seniors look forward to the scantily clad youths "getting their drunk on" and passing out on their balconies or in their garages. "I really can't wait to see if Chad comes back this year from Penn State." reflected Ernie Humes who bonded with a young party-goer last year. "Chad and I really got wasted and met some nice ladies from Queen's who really knew how to dance to the Snoop Dogg." Humes commented.

Some residents are concerned that Spring Break festivities may spill into the early hours of the day, but with many seniors already getting up at 4am anyway, the problem is not too much of a concern. "We'll keep our eye on the Spring Breakers and make sure no one gets hurt or causes problems." explained County Sheriff Gus Harding. "Last year we had an impaired senior on a Rascal scooter so we'll be cracking down on the seniors as well as the students." Harding replied.