Monday, January 30, 2012

Controversial Portrait Of Former Mayor O'Brien Unveiled

Ottawa- Current Mayor Jim Watson unveiled two new official mayoral portraits of former mayors Bob Chiarelli and Larry O'Brien this evening, with O'Brien's portrait raising a few eyebrows as it was revealed. Recently in hot water over derogatory comments towards Spanish-Americans on his Twitter account, the new portrait does nothing to reduce his politically incorrect persona. Featuring O'Brien in a coonskin cap resembling the Alamo hero Davy Crockett who battled invading Mexicans during the Battle of the Alamo, the official portrait further elevates his somewhat controversial stance on Mexicans. A Twitter post referencing Spanish-Americans as "spics" led to O'Brien having to explain himself through recent interviews and his self published blog.

A crowd of onlookers and media fell into hushed tones as the official portrait was unveiled, with only O'Brien loudly applauding the painting that will hang in City Hall along with portraits of all other past Mayors. When questioned about his racially charged comments on Twitter, his blog and now the portrait, O'Brien only commented "Hey, at least now it looks like I have hair!" in reference to the fur hat that sits atop his bald head in the painting. Current Mayor Jim Watson and the artist commissioned to paint the portraits were quickly whisked away before any comments or questions were raised.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Kelsey's Introduces New Deep Fried Something

Ottawa - Hot on the tail of their successful deep fried pickle campaign, Kelsey's introduced a delicious new deep-fried platter of some unknown food item. Having exhausted all options of mozza sticks, pickles, onions, shrimp, mushrooms and a host of other food items deep fried in a greasy batter, Kelsey's quickly introduced a new appetizer that is an indiscernible mash of mysterious deep fried something. "We don't exactly know what it is since Sysco Foods just sends us a vacuum sealed bag of the stuff that we just toss in the deep fryer, but we know it will be a hit when it goes on sale next week." said local Kelsey's manager Dwayne Hopkins. "Super Sundays will offer a deal where it's 50% off with proof of a an immediate death in the family or a doctor's note of terminal illness." Hopkins beamed.

The indistinguishable food base is deep fried in a grease laden batter that is then served with a lemon wedge and will be labelled as a "Colossawesome Munchie Platter" on the menu. It will be offered to customers at an unbeatable price of $11.99 with the purchase of an entree. "You can count on Kelsey's to serve you the best and latest in deep fried something. We guarantee it." Hopkins remarked. Also being introduced in conjunction with the Colossawesome Munchie Platter is a new fishbowl sized drink of slush nature with some bright colouring and unknown alcohol that will be dubbed "Ladies Night Knockout" and only available on Thursdays after 5pm.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Ugg, Crocs Team Up To Produce New Mega-Detestable "Crugg" Super Shoe

Ottawa - Makers of the extremely comfortable but hideous footwear "Crocs" have teamed up with Ugg, makers of the equally comfortable and loathsome boot. Dubbing this new hybrid shoe-boot as a "Crugg", the new fusion footwear combines the cushiony comfort of Crocs with the warmth and durability of Ugg boots. Using a polymer foam main sole fused with a sheepskin upper portion, the new Cruggs are predicted to prove as popular as both previous shoes combined.

Manufactured in the remote shoe region of Xangtzen, China, the new Cruggs will be produced in a variety of annoying and garish colours that allows customers to select a Crugg that most suits their lackadaisical, laceless lifestyle. Anticipation is high for the new Cruggs, with orders in the thousands having already been made by retail stores in North America and Europe where there is great demand for dowdy, lazy footwear.

Previously only ever worn in warmer weather, the new Cruggs will allow the Crocs company to expand their market share, as will Ugg, who typically only sold their footwear during winter months. The new combo shoe-boot or "shoot" as it is referred to by fashion stylists, will now cover all ends of the footwear spectrum. Crocs President Linda Harbrook is excited to launch the new shoot and predicts a huge success for Cruggs. "We really wanted to reach out to the lazy, unmotivated population who can't be bothered with doing up laces and would rather shove their foot into a tasteless, brightly coloured but warm shoe-boot they can wear to the office or cottage." Harbrook explained. "Cruggs are perfect for anyone who wears pyjama pants in public and needs to accessorize their unique fashion sense."

Sunday, January 22, 2012

CBC Radio Switches To All Classic Rock Format

Ottawa - Despite recent changes to the programming and on-air personalities, CBC Radio announced plans earlier today to switch to an all Classic Rock broadcast format. Hoping to capitalize on the aging demographic of Ottawa radio listeners, CBC is making the switch to the new Classic Rock format in an attempt to boost audience numbers and popularity. The new format, labelled as “91.5 C-Roc” will broadcast Classic Rock hits from the era of 1960 to 2000, including artists such as Joe Cocker, Trooper, Honeymoon Suite, Led Zeppelin and Bryan Adams.

CBC Radio President Hugh Legitt announced the dramatic format switch to its staff yesterday who were shocked, but ready to take on their new roles broadcasting classic rock to the listeners in the Capital region. CBC Radio ensures the transition will be a smooth one, with a gradual increase in Classic Rock being played during current programming, until the entire broadcast is comprised entirely of Classic Rock in February. “Our faithful listeners might not be used to hearing ‘Hot For Teacher’ by Van Halen right away, but they should feel comfortable with the new format as we introduce the widely popular Classic Rock hits.” explained Legitt. “A lot of people enjoyed listening to insightful and informative interviews about culture and the arts, but realistically, research has shown Classic Rock is what people really want.” Legitt remarked.

Currently Ottawa only has one other Classic Rock station, Chez106, which has dominated the airwaves since 1977 with its toe-tapping blend of contemporary rock hits. Legitt hopes the new C-Roc 91.5FM will provide listeners with an alternative to Chez106 and fulfill Ottawa’s need to hear Classic Rock at home, in the office, or traveling in the car.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Ashcroft Accidentally Demolishes Own Offices For Condo Development

Ottawa - In an unfortunate internal office memo gaffe, Ashcroft Homes has mistakenly demolished its regional headquarters building and began construction on a 9 storey condominium before realizing their mistake. Demolition crews began tearing down the Ashcroft offices Sunday morning with employees arriving for work Monday and realizing of their grave error. The accidental demolition and subsequent pouring of concrete footings for a new condo on the former office site has caused major setbacks for the developer, known for its developments in the Westboro area. Executive Vice President Harvey Chandler described the tragic loss of their offices as "an internal mis-communication" and hopes the accident will not delay any current condo development projects already underway. "We obviously made some kind of internal error, but I think the new condo on our former office site will provide a unique boutique living lifestyle for those seeking condos in an industrial park area." Chandler exclaimed.

Using a backhoe and bulldozer, demolition crews removed the existing office building in about 4 hours, with most debris being carted away to an off-site dumping ground. Foundation footings were then put into place with concrete forms already having concrete poured in them as of Monday morning. Many employees were shocked to see their office completely gone Monday morning, but they will resume business as usual using the former Westboro convent building which Ashcroft currently owns. The accidental condo construction will resume later in the week and should be ready for occupancy in Spring 2013.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

OC Transpo Launches First Class "OC1" Premium Bus Service

Ottawa - After a year of complaints against both its service and public transit conditions, OC Transpo announced today it will be launching an all-new, First Class, preferred service transit option for those wishing to commute or travel throughout the city in high-class style. The announcement of this new, high-end, premium transit option came after months of complaints from transit riders who found the current OC Transpo route service sub-standard. The new First Class service, or "OC1" as it is officially called, will now allow riders to travel in a special bus designed for luxurious comfort with unparalleled customer service.

OC Transpo President Gilles DuMont hails the new transit option as a breakthrough in city transit service, and hopes people will enjoy the increased commitment to comfort and superior customer satisfaction within the new buses. "The new OC1 option will give riders a chance to actually get to their destination on time and without the inconveniences of regular route service, such as staring through a window covered in head grease or side stepping over a pool of vomit." DuMont explained. The OC1 bus service will utilize a fleet of 10 new ultra-luxurious coach class buses imported from Switzerland and feature bone china and silverware meal service, beverage options and hot towel service from a tuxedo clad OC Transpo service attendant.

Reaction to the new OC1 bus service has been positive with over 100 exclusive monthly passes already being sold at $400 each. "I can't wait to hop on these new first class buses and get to work on time while enjoying a mimosa and a shoe shine." responded OC Transpo rider Sheila Burke who commutes daily from Kanata to her downtown office. "Now the smell of soup will actually be from a silver soup dish instead of just being from the smell of the guy in front of me." Burke remarked.

OC1 transit begins Tuesday January 17, with service on all major bus routes except the #94. For more information on this new first class service, contact OC Transpo at 613-842-3600

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Wakefield Fashion Show Draws Crowd Of Eight

Wakefield, QC - A subdued and introspective crowd of eight people gathered Saturday night in the town of Wakefield to view the latest in Wakefield fashions and sample some freshly baked granola-flaxseed muffins. Introducing her new line of eco-friendly fashions, Wakefield resident and fashion designer Nula Santros addressed the quiet and liberal crowd with a speech exemplifying the importance of buying eco-conscious, hand made clothing, and shunning traditional normal fashion sense in favour of a more hippie/gypsy looks that the area has become known for. “Don’t be fooled into wearing something just because a well-groomed, clean scented, hairless-armpit woman is wearing it.” Santros explained.

The new line of clothes designed by Santros utilize fairly traded materials such as used burlap grain sacks, recycled tarpaulins and curtains from an abandoned motel outside of Chelsea, QC. The materials are then hand crafted into frumpy, shapeless, androgynous outfits that can be worn with accessories from the Wakefield area such as hand-knit Alpaca wool Rastafarian hats, boiled wool footwear and jewelry made out of chakra stones. Shunning any fashion sense or latest trends in normal society, the new line of clothes by Santros will maintain Wakefield’s reputation as an ultra left-wing, communal area.

The event originally had 10 people in attendance but two people had to leave to attend a protest down the street against a proposed home renovation where the house in question was going to be renovated to actually look nice. The remaining eight people then watched as various models from the area sporting Santros’ fashions walked up and down a runway to the soothing sounds of Native American throat singers and Ravi Shankar. After the fashion show, the audience was treated to some organic muffins that weighed 5 pounds each and encourage regularity for up to 4 weeks. Santros hailed the event as a success and was surprised at the number in attendance. “I didn’t think we’d have as many people as we did here tonight considering this town’s lack of interest in fashion, so I’m pleased.” Santros beamed.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Archaeologists Unearth 9,000 Year Old Baby Stroller In West Wellington Village

Wellington West - A dramatic discovery was made earlier this week when archaeologists uncovered an almost perfectly preserved 9,000 year old baby stroller in a condo development construction site near Harmer Ave. The discovery of the primitive Neolithic stroller is in keeping with the area's rich, baby-centric reputation, and furthers the concept that not much has changed in the area over the last 9,000 years.

Making the archeological find was Professor Glenn Holgenfrod from the University of Ottawa's palaeontology department. Holgenfrod hails the discovery as "remarkable" and is excited to learn more about the stroller which is apparently made out of wood and clay. "The stroller was obviously a part of a Neanderthal family living in the Wellington West area over 9,000 years ago." remarked Holgenfrod. "It's three wheel design for pushing a baby Neanderthal around the area illustrates how things don't change much in this neighbourhood throughout history." Holgenfrod explained. Researchers and fellow archaeologists also discovered a variety of other Neanderthal family items at the dig site including a coffee cup made of clay, a hemp mat, and tea leaves. "This site has tremendous historical value in that it shows how families have not evolved that differently over the course of thousands of years." said Holgenfrod. "We will continue our investigation and see what other items we can uncover that may link our past to the present."

The discovery of the stroller happened in an on-going condo-development near Harmer Ave. where a small home had previously stood, but has since been torn down. Construction on a 345 unit 24 story condo building has been planned once the Heritage Conservation dig concludes its research later this year.