Friday, January 18, 2013

Canal Skater Survives Cold By Slicing Open, Crawling Inside IceHog Mascot

A near-frozen Melissa Gramson is seen here curled up inside the sliced open
IceHog mascot, TUTU on the canal today.
Ottawa - A near-frozen skater on the Rideau Canal survived the icy temperatures by slicing open a nearby IceHog mascot with a skate blade and crawling inside it's warm innards this morning. With temperatures in Ottawa around the -31degree range with windchill, some ill-prepared skaters on the newly opened Rideau Canal ice surface suffered frostbite and in this case, near death.  Twenty year old, third year Political Science student Melissa Gramson, wore only LuluLemon yoga pants and a Roots sweater while skating on the canal this morning, and collapsed to the ice before making it past the first marker. The extreme cold temperatures also collapsed a nearby IceHog mascot, TUTU, whose plush fur could not protect it enough from the cold. Crawling over to the felled mascot, Gramson used her newly sharpened skate blade to slice open the mascot, and crawl inside its still warm stomach cavity.

Paramedics arrived two hours later to find Gramson barely alive inside the mascot intestinal tract, but were able to airlift the Ottawa U student to a nearby hospital where she is recovering in stable condition. TUTU the IceHog mascot was taken to OMRH (Ottawa Mascot Recovery Hospital) where medical staff presume TUTU will make a full recovery and be back waving goofily to the skaters on the canal within the next couple of weeks.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feral Spartacat Tranquilized, Captured After 113 Day Escape

Spartacat chasing Park Wildlife Officials Monday morning.
Wildlife Officials had to fire 7 tranquilizers into Sparty to immobilize him.
Ottawa - The spunky Spartacat mascot for the Ottawa Senators hockey team was tranquilized and brought back for active duty yesterday after park officials tracked and found the feral beast in Gatineau Park. Having reverted into a feral cat state during the NHL lockout which lasted 113 days, Spartacat has been living in the wild capturing deer and small rabbits to survive according to wildlife sepcialists hired to track Sparty. "We spotted his large, goofy footprints in the freshly fallen snow, and tracked him  to a clearing in the woods where he was feasting on a rabbit he had just captured in his furry, lovable maw." explained Gatineau Wildlife Ranger Claudette Laroque. "After circling Sparty we fired a tranquilizer into his plush eye, at which point he grew irritated and started to chase us through the woods." said Laroque.

A sedated Spartacat is brought in for mascot duty.
During the 113 day NHL lockout, which left Spartacat unemployed and without a home, the zany Sens mascot retreated into the wilderness where he reverted into a feral cat state. Unable to use his t-shirt cannon to immobilize prey for eating, Spartacat used his plush fangs and oversized paws to capture food and survive in the Gatineau Park wilderness until being captured Monday afternoon.

Once park wildlife officials were able to land a few tranquilizer darts into Sparty, he succumbed to the relaxant drug, and was carted off by officials from the Ottawa Senators hockey franchise and returned to Scotiabank Place for remedial goofiness training. With the NHL hockey season starting soon, Sparty will be joining his teammates in preparing to entertain the crowds of fans that will soon fill Scotiabank Place again. "We hope to have Spartacat back to his crazy old self soon enough." Sens Entertainment Manager Glen Stitts remarked. "Once we get him back on steady diet of egg-rolls and into zany training, he'll be dancing to Gangnam Style for the fans in no time." 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Growing Snow Banks Force All Ottawa Traffic Into Just One Lane

Growing snowbanks force traffic into one-way, single lane travel on all city streets.
Ottawa - The recent large accumulation of snow across the region has created giant snowbanks on city streets forcing all traffic to drive in a single file down most streets. The growing snowbanks are slowly encroaching onto roadways bringing a normal two lane street down to one lane. Sidewalks are also becoming narrower due to the snowbank infringement, resulting in parents having to push strollers single file in the Wellington West area of Ottawa.

Parking on city streets has become non-existent, with many cars forced to just park on top of snowbanks and ski down the slopes to the street below. Most bike paths were also limited to unicycle riding in single file format only.

City Road crews are having a difficult time keeping city streets free of snowbanks with the constant accumulation of snow, but are hoping to clear the snowbanks and resume two lane traffic sometime soon. For now, the city is advising motorists to learn to drive angled at 45 degrees on two wheels down the narrow one lane streets if they can.