Thursday, September 27, 2012

Bearded, Pleasant Fellow In Plaid Shirt And Adidas Sneakers To Open Trendy Restaurant

Ken Geddes, bearded owner of the trendy new 'Plank' restaurant
Ottawa  - The trendy, laid-back eccentric restaurant scene in Ottawa got a little more crowded this week when the easy-going bearded Ken Geddes, 36, opened his hip new one word restaurant "Plank" in the gentrifying slum of Mechanicsville. The untucked plaid shirt wearing Geddes hopes that his unique casual dining restaurant will meet the dining needs of today's hipster and foodie crowds by offering meals in an eccentric environment that features exposed brick walls, a giant chalkboard menu, Edison filament lights hanging in Mason jars, and menus presented in reclaimed asphalt shingles from a nearby crackhouse. 

Geddes hopes to join the 675 other trendy Ottawa restaurants that offer the laid-back dining experience by offering something different to his patrons, which he says are becoming more discriminating in their dining expectations. "Most people eating out these days are 20-35 year olds who work in the start-up or website development industry who want to be entertained by whimsical presentations during their dining experience," says Geddes, "They need to feel that the $30 macaroni and cheese dish is justified by having it served in a unique format, such as in an ashtray or upside down pylon."

"Plank" whimsically serves meals on manhole covers or in a toolbox.
"Plank" will offer customers a unique dining experience as soon as you enter the restaurant. "We wanted customers to feel they are immediately in a trendy place." explained Geddes. "As soon as you come in you are greeted by our host that tells you they are booked solid and you need a reservation." Customers are then told to wait up to an hour for their reserved seating. The recent trend in 'communal seating' is enhanced by having customers sit on each others laps at tables made out of reclaimed hospital gurneys. Local micro-brewed beer is also served with tap handles being made out of parts from a 1984 K-car.

Geddes new restaurant features cuisine from local sources and offers food that has been cleverly name-changed to seem more unique, such as chicken being called "stockbird" and a steak being called a "meateor". Other menu items are whimsically presented to diners on manhole covers or in a toolbox.  "We really wanted to step-up the casual dining experience," says Geddes, who is already booked into 2013. "At the end of your meal, when we bring you your receipt in a caulking gun, we want you to leave entertained, if not confused."

-story idea courtesy of Colin Cronin

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Local Manchu Wok Hires First Caucasian

Howard Simmons, a caucasian, serving at Manchu Wok
Carlingwood Mall - The food court at Carlingwood Mall was abuzz Monday morning as news swept through the crowds of senior citizens gathered there for their morning coffee and 5 hour chats that a white, Anglo-Saxon male had been hired by the Manchu Wok in the food court.

Reaction to the news of a caucasian working at Manchu Wok at
Carlingwood Mall food court
Howard Simmons, 23, has become the first-ever Caucasian male to be hired to work the front line of the busy Manchu Wok franchise of food court restaurants. Previously only employees of Asian descent were ever hired to dispense the processed Chinese food items from the busy mall food court counter. Simmons, who has previous food court experience working at the neighbouring New York Fries, says the position comes with a huge responsibility to serve mall chinese food with respect and cultural awareness. "This is not like slinging fries at NYF," commented Simmons, "I'm here to represent a company and its brand of fast, fresh Chinese foods." he explained.

Reactions within the Carlingwood Mall Food Court were mixed, with some elderly patrons expressing worry that their Chinese Combo #4 would not taste the same and have the same Chinese flare with a white male serving it. "It just seems like I'm not getting the whole Chinese experience with a white kid handing me my plate of Sweet&Sour chicken balls and a Pepsi." said Vic Atkins, 84, who often frequents the mall food court. Others said they applaud the hiring of a Caucasian serving at Manchu Wok and look forward to seeing more diversification within mall food courts. "I think its great, and now maybe we can get a nice white boy to serve us over at the 'Jimmy The Greek' instead of that other unkempt fellow." remarked Helen Hayworth, 76, who often eats at the food court. 

Simmons hopes he can help bring awareness of reverse racial stereotyping at mall food courts and urges other businesses to hire non-ethnic employees. "I also applied over at 'Made In Japan' , 'Jimmy the Greek' and 'Sbarro' but they never returned my calls." said Simmons. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Crowds Gather To Observe Strange Object In Barrhaven

Barrhaven residents gather in front of a mysterious object on a nearby lawn.
Barrhaven - The usually quiet suburb of Barrhaven was bustling with hundreds of residents gathering to observe a strange object that appeared on a nearby lawn Sunday morning.  Crowds with cameras and other recording devices observed the unusual object as it sat motionless on the lawn of 346 Forestcrest Avenue.  Standing a safe distance from the greenish object, many wondered if the vertical object had fallen from an overhead plane. One resident, Lloyd Nolan, 38, claims he saw the mystery object being unloaded from a truck early Sunday morning, but is unsure what it may be. "I've lived here for five years and have never seen anything like it." Nolan explained.

City officials have been sent to the Barrhaven area to study the odd object and try to determine what it is and if it poses an immediate danger to the area and residents. "We'll make sure we take the necessary precautions studying the object, and if it's safe to do so, we will remove it immediately." remarked City Safety Inspector Kevin Newcomb.

The object stands approximately 9 feet high, with a greenish texture and moves slightly when exposed to shifts in wind. Police are warning onlookers to keep a safe distance and to remain indoors until the object can be removed. Some residents fear other such objects might appear in the future and want to know how they can protect their suburban community from what could be an invasive species. "We live here to enjoy the uninterrupted vinyl clad scenery and we don't want that threatened." Barrhaven resident Sheryl Pantree commented before shielding the eyes of her two children away from the unknown object.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

New "Pop-Up" Meth Lab In Vanier

Hutchins new "Pop-Up" meth lab in Vanier
Ottawa - Already an established trend in big cities, the concept of the pop-up has hit Vanier with an all new Pop-Up Meth Lab. The concept of using a portable shipping container in a temporary location intrigued Vanier's Master MethMaker, Dwayne Hutchins, who has been concocting a variety of  popular methamphetamines in the area for over 15 years. Hutchins, a locally known MethMaster, recently moved into the pop-up scene after seeing how popular it was with restaurants and other service industries. “I wasn’t feeling the energy anymore,” the 45-year-old said as he prepared his new portable meth lab for business. “This has brought me back to feeling like a kid again,” he said.

With a bustling and vibrant meth scene already established, Hutchins knew a pop-up in Vanier would be a draw, and so far has had over a thousand crackheads, addicts and other meth clientele approach the pop-up with great enthusiasm. For plugged-in meth enthusiasts, it was a notable event. Chris Fournier, a self-proclaimed methhead said he was there for “the art and the excitement of it.” Others said they enjoyed the temporary aspect to the business and look forward to Hutchins next venture which is a pop-up brothel. "I like it because I can just quickly close it down and move it whenever the cops catch wind of my location, and be open for business again at a new location in a matter of hours." remarked Hutchins. His pop-up brothel is planned for early December offering neighbourhood Johns to utilize the temporary whore house.

“It’s all about the whole idea of the pop-up,” Hutchins explained.
Brad LaRue, there with two friends, also sensed the vibe factor of the night.
“There’s so much hipness here,” said the Vanier resident, harbouring doubts about whether he was cool enough to be there. "But I wanted to try it and sample some of Hutchins new work." replied LaRue.

Hutchins Pop-Up Meth Lab can be found in the heart of Vanier on any given night, usually shrouded in darkness.

Monday, September 10, 2012

New Grocery Divider Sticks Provide Utmost Divisional Privacy

Ottawa - After years of slamming down dividers between groceries on the cashier check-out conveyor belt, senior citizens and paranoid customers will now get a chance to ensure their groceries remain separated while also enjoying increased grocery item privacy. Previously, many customers had to endure the judging stares of other customers as their groceries were laid out on the cashier conveyor belt for all to see. At times their groceries may have been mixed in with other customers grocery items ahead or behind them, resulting in panic, hysteria and frustration. 

Grocery stores across the city will begin implementing the new high-shield privacy dividers later this week, allowing paranoid customers to rest easy while their grocery items travel down the conveyor belt towards the cashier scanning area. No longer will nervous, edgy customers have to be concerned that their items will be mixed in with anyone else's groceries using this latest divisional stick technology.

Metro store manager Gary Hussey says the new dividers will help ease tensions some of his senior customers feel when checking their grocery items through the cash. "Sometimes the old divider sticks would be overlooked by the cashier and an extra item would be added to the customer's bill resulting in hysteria and angry outbursts." Hussey explained. "With these new high-dividers, concerned customers can rest assured their groceries will be clearly divided and be hidden from judging eyes." says Hussey.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Realistic "Family" Car Window Stickers Now Available

Ottawa - The recent trend of vehicle owners adhering stickers to their back windows denoting their family status has taken a turn for the worst as new, more detailed stickers have appeared on a number of area minivans and SUVs. These new stickers appear to more realistically depict the actual lifestyle status of the driver and/or the occupants of the vehicle. Up until now, most stickers show a happy family of stick people and pets who travel in the vehicle. Golfing, soccer and a variety of other family activities have been placed on numerous vehicle back windows around town. However, these recently spotted new stickers in the Ottawa area depict a darker, more truthful insight to the vehicle's owner and their life.


Westboro DINKS
Crazy Spinster Cat Lady
Living In Parent's Basement
Recently Divorced

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

New Segregated Construction Lane Snarls Westboro Traffic

Westboro - Traffic in the Westboro area along Richmond Road was congested further today after the City Of Ottawa created a double Segregated Construction Lane (SCL) that reduces road traffic to a single 5 foot wide lane. The new Segregated Construction Lane will allow the influx of thousands of construction vehicles being used for the widespread condo developments in the Westboro area to operate with more ease. Previously, construction vehicles and regular street traffic would have to battle for movement in the busy condo corridor of Richmond Road. The new SCL will allow construction vehicles accessing the condo construction sites and sewer/road work to travel without the local residents getting in the way.

City Of Ottawa Road Works Manger Lloyd Henderson says the construction vehicle-only SCL is similar in nature to Ottawa's recent Segregated Bike Lane along Laurier Avenue that allows cyclists to travel with greater ease and safety. "This new SCL will really make it easier for the hundreds of construction vehicles that operate on Richmond Road each day to increase both their efficiency and safety." Henderson remarked. "Regular traffic will just have to squeeze into the single 5 foot wide lane now, and be patient as they sit in traffic for up to 50 minutes trying to drive along the Westboro/Wellington West corridor." 

Residents are somewhat upset over the creation of the SCL along the busy and trendy corridor of condos, boutique and coffee shops, with many opting to abandon their cars while waiting in traffic and get a coffee, then return to the still waiting line of cars. "I usually just put the car in Park, get out and grab a Bridgehead, then come back and still no one has moved." says local resident Gary Delipp. 

Drivers using the Richmond Road/Wellington corridor are reminded by the City Of Ottawa to adhere to the new signs and SCL markings that are designated with a painted orange lane either side of the street and remain in their vehicles during the long wait times. The SCL is planned to remain in use until condo development along the Westboro corridor is completed in 2089.