Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Westboro Mom Helps Kids Build Racially Diverse, Gender Neutral "Snowperson"

Westboro- In keeping with her parenting philosophy that children should not be forced into gender specific activities, a Westboro mother of two helped her daughters build a racially diverse and gender neutral snowperson after last night's snow fall. Traditionally referred to as a "snowman", Golden Avenue resident Laura Hayden-Hornberg decided her children should use a more progressive approach to the winter activity and encouraged her children to make the figure in the likeness of someone who is neither female or male and represents all races instead of the usually "white" persona. "My kids need to learn that a snowman can be anyone, not just a white man." Hayden-Hornberg explained. "Too often our children are subjected to a narrow-minded male dominated approach to winter activities, so I wanted to expand their conceptual learning with a diverse and culturally nurturing snowperson."

Hayden-Hornberg's daughters, Kaela, 6, and Rannah, 4 both constructed the snowperson using filtered organic snow from last night's abundant snowfall. "I have a special snow filtering system that filters out any harmful impurities in the snow, making it safe for my children to play in and build their snowperson." remarked Hayden-Hornberg. The daughters then dyed the snow a different colour other than white using special organic dyes and outfitted the snowperson in gender neutral, hemp sourced accessories. When asked what to call their creation, both daughters looked apprehensively at their nearby mother, who suggested they call it "Abiria", a Swahili name used for either a male or female. The daughters then commented how later this week they will use their specially filtered snow to construct a French-Immersion version of the famous "Bon Homme" character but call it "Bon Neige"

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Canadian Tire Guy Seen Offering To Scrape Windshields For Spare Change

Ottawa - Once a popular television personality, the now destitute and desperate Canadian Tire Guy was spotted yesterday offering to scrape ice from car windshields at the intersection of Bronson and Somerset. Asking passing motorists if they would like their iced-over windshields efficiently scraped clear with the MotoMaster IcePic for a dollar, the Canadian Tire Guy was seen to be in a distressed and desperate state. One unidentified motorist who gave the Canadian tire Guy a dollar for his services said he seemed "desperate for money" and that he mentioned "needing cash for Christmas".

Using the patented "ice razor design" on his Motomaster Ice Pic that he once helped promote during his ad campaign with Canadian Tire between 2002-2008, The Canadian Tire guy was happy to assist drivers with their iced over windshields during last night's freezing rain storm in exchange for donations. His efforts to make money were short-lived however when Ottawa Police arrived on the scene and he fled into a nearby park. Known for his informative and overly-helpful television commercials, the Canadian tire Guy was dismissed in 2006 and has rarely been seen since. He follows "Scrooge Approved" Guy who was also dismissed from Canadian Tire television commercials in the late 1990's and has also never been heard from again.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Fun New Retro Restaurant All-Smoking

Ottawa - Another hip, new restaurant has opened in the Hintonburg neighbourhood of Ottawa that is a throwback to dining days past. The new restaurant,"Glaze" will offer bland, processed foods along with the opportunity to light up a cigarette during your meal. Bypassing provincial non-smoking regulations due to its historical status, "Glaze" will allow smoking and even offer free packs of smokes with every appetizer ordered. Decorated to resemble a vintage 1967 restaurant and cocktail lounge, "Glaze" owner Gill Handrake believes his new restaurant will appeal to a wide clientele, both young and old. "The young, hipster crowd will enjoy the retro element to the place, and the older crowd will enjoy the dining experience of years past with our full smoking facility." explained Handrake who opened "Glaze" in early December. With a menu consisting of bland, colourless, vegetable-less, high caloric foods, "Glaze" will also offer incredibly strong cocktails served by staff who will call you "pal" or "hun". Smoking is encouraged during your meal with trained bus-boys available to empty ashtrays and light cigarettes for waiting customers.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Justin Trudeau Cast To Play Both Samuel De Champlain And Guy Fawkes In Upcoming CBC Mini-Series

Ottawa - Liberal MP Justin Trudeau was recently selected to play two characters from history in an upcoming CBC mini-series based on events at the turn of the 17th century. Playing both Guy Fawkes and Samuel de Champlain in the television mini-series, Trudeau has recently been spotted in the media sporting his 17th century appearance for the roles. After a foul-mouthed outburst in Parliament, Trudeau hopes to further his Guy Fawkes persona by taking on the role of the 17th century conspirator to topple the English government in 1605. Trudeau will also play the famous explorer and cartographer Samuel de Champlain.

Wearing the appropriate facial hair and hair style of the time period, Trudeau was cast by the CBC to fill the roles after he was approached by CBC producer Lynn Graves, who thought Trudeau fit the role perfectly. "Not just in apperances, but in volatility as well, a factor in successfully portraying both Fawkes and Champlain." Graves remarked. Filming begins in January 2012 on location in Quebec City.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ottawa Christmas Toys As Found In The Sears Wish Book

Occupy Ottawa Junior Protestor Tent - re-create the excitement of camping out for weeks in the cold with these colourful Junior Occupy tents. Bongos sold separately.

Gabby Glebe Adopted Foreign Baby Stroller - Have your child join in on the fun of raising an adopted baby from China or the Slavic states with this fun stroller built for two. Includes two racially diverse dolls.

Arnprior Go-Kart- Start your budding hick off right with this Prior favourite. Includes authentic Valley Accent voice commands. Gun rack not included.

Britannia Beach Home E-Coli Kit-close your own beach with this mini-aqaurium full of playful E-Coli bacteria!

Farrhaven Family Fun Pack- enjoy re-creating suburban life with this exciting WASP family& Golden Retriever! Beige minivan not included.

Westboro Playsafe Patty- Westboro kids will love this realistically overly safetied non-action figure.

That Weird Manotick Horse Chick- Stunningly gorgeous, however this blonde bombshell is weird in that she is more interested in horses than anything else. Comes with own chastity belt.

Confederation Park Remote Control Rat - Have hours of fun racing this handsome rat around your very own Occupy Protestor Tents!

Carling Ave. Endoscopy Playset- perform exciting medical procedures w/this hilariously sterile playset.

Westboro Condo Crane- enjoy building 28 storey boutique inspired condos with this splendidly fun condo crane.

Rideau St. Tot Tattoo Parlour - Have your child re-create barbed wire and butterfly tattoos on the whole family!

Vanier Robber Rascal ATM- Start your budding criminal with stolen PINs w/ this realistic ATM

Rockcliffe Kadillac For Kids - Get your child acquainted with the prestige of owning an Escalade in this scaled down Caddy!

Wellington West Sled Capsule- Muffle the screams of your French Immersion Montesorri bound tot in this handsome plastic bubble.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Taylor Swift Dating Ottawa's Farm Boy

Nashville - Following in the footsteps of fellow country singer Carrie Underwood who dated former Ottawa resident Mike Fisher, country-pop star Taylor Swift has announced a relationship with Ottawa's own animatronic Farm Boy. Recently spotted performing alongside Swift at the American Music Awards, Farm Boy has also been caught on camera with Swift at various restaurants and nightclubs in Los Angeles and New York City.

A shy, somewhat stiff personality, the Ottawa native hails from the busy Farm Boy store on Merivale Road where he entertained thousands of visitors with his laid back country songs of the store's food value, selection and guaranteed freshness. After a chance meeting at the Country Music Awards in Nashville, TN., the two took to the stage to perform some of her hits from the latest album "Speak Now" at the American Music Awards in November. Farm Boy and Swift began a romantic relationship soon afterwards when they mingled at a party celebrating her 10 awards.

When asked about her new relationship with Farm Boy, Swift becomes elusive and only says she is "happy" and "glad to be with someone who is predictable", in possible reference to her previous relationship with the eccentric musician John Mayer. Swift and Farmboy were recently spotted outside the Merivale Farm Boy location last week where Farm Boy still performs once a week as stipulated in his 5 year contract with the Farm Boy store. The couple has also been spotted in the chique Holla Club in NYC and dining at Hintonburger here in Ottawa.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Condo Development Plans For Miniature Christmas Village Upset Retirement Home Residents

Ottawa - The approval of a 28 story model condo development in a ceramic miniature Christmas village at the Devonshire Retirement Residence has some residents upset and wanting answers. A tradition at Devonshire since 1999 when resident Doris Hillman began her quaint miniature village, residents are concerned the new condo tower planned for the model village will ruin the nostalgic feel of their Christmas village and create unwanted traffic woes.

Ashcroft Homes has recently purchased a 6x6 inch parcel of land in the existing village, which currently contains a miniature ceramic cobbler shop that will be demolished according to plans this December 15th. The ceramic cobbler shop was a gift to Doris from her now deceased roommate at Devonshire, and has her upset at the prospect of a condo tower taking its place. "Bethany gave me that cobbler shop back in 2001, and it breaks my heart to know it will be removed for a pile of condos." Doris Hillman remarked.

Director of Planning at Ashcroft Developments, Norm Selger says the planned model condo tower has been in development for over a year now, and should come as no surprise to the Devonshire residents. "We purchased the cobbler shop from Ms. Hillman last year for market value, so I don't see what the problem is." Selger explained. "Our model condo tower is sure to please residents when its finally constructed later this month, and I think it will only add to the miniature village skyline." commented Selger. Selger also boasted the model condo tower will have an LED display and miniature Starbucks at its base.

A medley of ceramic buildings acquired by Hillman through eBay, gifts from friends and relatives, Hillman is saddened her village will be altered but hopes the nostalgic feelings will not be lost. "Sometimes I pretend to walk the quiet, storybook streets of my miniature village as an escape from this dreary place, and I pretend not to hear the moans and chatter or screams of pain. Now all that might be lost." sobbed Hillman, who plans on staging a miniature protest of ceramic figures moved over from the skating rink area of the village.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Town Of Smiths Falls For Sale On Kijiji For $2,800 Or Trade For Muscle Car

Smiths Falls - The municipal government of Smiths Falls has decided to sell their town on Kijiji, an online classifieds website, in attempt to unload their plagued town from further deterioration.
The simple, but informative ad informs buyers it has a number of amenities that make it a considerable value at the asking price of $2,800. The ad explains the price includes all parking, businesses (operating or not) and the prestige of being on the World Heritage Designated Rideau Canal System. The town also boats a Zellers, Country Time coffee shop and a number of fuel refilling stations.

Plagued by factory closures, a failing economy, dilapidated homes and now a municipal water problem, town council has unanimously voted to place an ad on the cost-efficient, but well viewed Kijiji classifieds. Trades for a mid-sixties muscle car or cottage are being considered. At the time, the ad had been viewed 238 times. Smiths Falls Mayor, Lloyd Benson was unavailable for comment.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Ottawa School Replaces Christmas Concert With A Visit From "Holidax" The Androgynous, Holiday-Neutral Robot

Ottawa - Another Ottawa area school has cancelled its annual Christmas assembly for fear it may exclude those students who may not celebrate Christmas, replacing the event with a fun- filled visit from the new holiday-neutral robot called "Holidax". Created specifically for such occasions by the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, Holidax is a 12 foot mechanical robot that will visit schools across the region, delivering holiday cheer to all children, regardless of their Christmas beliefs.

Mary Whitton Public School in Ottawa South will be the second school to cancel their traditional Christmas assembly out of fear they may be excluding some cultures from the festivities, with the principal of the school, Mary Humphrey-Black, gladly signing up Holidax for a student visit. "I think the androgynous, holiday-neutral robot is a wonderfully inclusive way for the students to celebrate the holidays." Humphrey-Black explained. "I understand Holidax includes all children in his presentation, and in 12 languages, and instead of candy canes, hands out a nutritious and allergy free bio-paste treat that is dispensed from a hole in his lower abdomen."

Engineered by Levant Technologies in Houston , Texas, Holidax the Robot is designed to help students celebrate holidays from all cultures through the use of an androgynous body form, that does not discriminate gender, and also in a non-biased format. His inner body contains a healthy bio-paste of flaxseed and corn meal that is dispensed to children instead of unhealthy candy canes for the holiday season.

The OCDSB applauds the use of Holidax and will be implementing him/her into all school Christmas assemblies over the next few weeks. OCDSB President Linda Johnson says the robot will greatly alleviate the cultural differences between students and bring happiness to all children. "Holidax eliminates the need for any Christmas-centric celebrating...we no longer have to put up Christmas trees, do Nativity scenes, have a gift exchange, sing Christmas carols, hire a Santa, or hand out candy canes anymore. I think the children will all benefit from his visits." says Johnson. "Holidax" is also available for office parties and community events where any traditional celebrations need to be neutralized into a safe, and inclusive environment.