Saturday, October 30, 2010

Westboro Parents Make Kids Wear Safe, Organic Halloween Costumes

Westboro - Known as a haven for organic and "green" initiatives, Westboro will see a high number of children dressed in organic Halloween costumes thanks to over-protective and eco-conscious parents. Parents are flocking to the numerous children's boutiques along Richmond Road and Wellington West to purchase organic, fairly traded, green costumes for their children this Halloween.

With many children disappointed they will not be able to dress up as Zombies, Boba Fett, Dracula, Spiderman or even the fail-safe classic "witch", this Halloween in Westboro will see an abundance of character costumes utilizing eco-friendly products or themes. "The Compost Fairy", "Recycler Man", "Rain Barrel" and "Hemp Witch" are all new organically made, eco-safe costumes many parents are excited about making their children wear. "Little Nyles wanted to be Iron Man this Halloween, but that costume is made of plastic with who-knows-what chemicals are in it, so instead I bought him a 100% organic burlap sack costume and he'll be going as a Bridgehead Fairly Traded Coffee Bean bag." Westboro parent Belinda Lasser-Strauss explained as 7 year old Nyles cried uncontrollably in the Green Baby Boutique, which specializes in eco-friendly costumes.

Co-owner and manager of Green Baby Boutique, Leslie Garner commented on how trendy the eco-costumes are this year, and hopes the store will have enough inventory to keep up with demand. "Just yesterday we sold 23 flaxseed bio-degradable Peruvian deity masks." Garner remarked before helping another parent attempt to dress their screaming child in an organic African Tribal costume made of mud and wheat.

Also this year, many parents are taking the precaution to emblazon their child with safety gear and reflective tape so their trick-or-treating child will be out of harm's way on Halloween night. "I made sure to completely cover Leandra's Compost Fairy costume with reflective tape and made her wear a helmet so she's safe on Halloween." Westboro resident and parent Gary Frostman remarked as he purchased a blinker light for his other child's costume at GooGooGaGa Baby Boutique on Wellington Street West.

Traditional store bought costumes featuring classic ghosts, ghouls or favourite cartoon characters are being shunned in favour of the more expensive but bio-degradable "green" costumes being offered in the Westboro area. Residents handing out candy Hallow's Eve should expect large numbers of forcibly costumed children using recycled burlap sacks for candy receptacles, and prepare for kids arriving before it even gets dark so it's not "too scary" for the toddlers. Lasser-Strauss commented before taking her obviously distressed child to their Prius Hybrid in the parking lot.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Kemptville Area Hunter Accidentally Shot, Tied To Hood Of Pick-Up Truck

Kemptville- In a bizarre deer hunting accident outside of Kemptville, 38 year old Tyler Grogan was accidently shot by another hunter, and then tied to the hood of a truck and driven into the town as a “trophy”. Kemptville OPP are investigating the accident and do not rule out alcohol as a factor in the mishap. Responsible for the shooting is fellow deer hunter 42 year old Kyle Masken who was later arrested in Kemptville at a Mac’s convenience store when employees noticed the tied down hunter on the hood of Maskens 2004 GMC truck as he was attempting to buy cigarettes. Masken was apparently intoxicated while hunting and thought Grogan was a deer, mistakenly shooting him and then tying him to the hood of his truck as a trophy for all to see on his return to Kemptville.

Masken has no re-collection of the three days he spent in the woods outside Kemptville where he was deer hunting with three other hunters, who also were found intoxicated inside the cab of Masken’s truck. OPP are continuing their investigation and encourage anyone who may have seen the incident to report it to their local OPP detachment.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lee Valley Catalogue Features Great Holiday Gift Ideas

Ottawa - The inventive and somewhat whimsical Ottawa based catalogue company Lee Valley has recently launched their latest Christmas catalogue which should be arriving in household mailboxes within the next few days. Chocked full of neat holiday gift ideas and gadgets to make the season more enjoyable, the 127 page catalogue presents unique, if not desirable items for all ages.

Well known for its quality and product selection, Lee Valley adds over 300 new items to the catalogue this Christmas season, with two of these products worth being mentioned for their innovation and imagination, both trademarks of the Lee Valley company.

The Mother-In-Law Bag is a great idea that really aids in the enjoyment of the holiday season by allowing the user to seal up the pesky Mother-In-Law in a handy zippered polyethylene bag so you and guests can calmly enjoy the holidays without the stress of her annoying presence.

Also of note are handy Question and Answer cards to aid in answering all of those annoying personal questions holiday guests seem to ask when they see you. Pre-printed with your favourite questions ahead of time, you simply hand these out to the nosey guest who asked the question in the first place, saving you time and explanations about your life that isn't any of their business in the first place.

These and other great holiday gift ideas are sure to please the most discriminating shopper. Lee Valley President and Ceo Harb Taylor explains. "We try and give our customers the most unique, interesting and whimsical product choices on the market, and I think this year's catalogue hits the mark once again." Look for your Lee Valley catalogue in your mailbox this fall to see for yourself their wide range of unique products.

Monday, October 25, 2010


Ottawa- Mayor Elect Jim Watson celebrated his big win Monday night by attending no less than 127 different victory parties across the city. Known for his incredibly busy schedule attending multiple events during his campaign, Watson continued his tradition of being everywhere at once and partied long into the night at various retirement homes, country fairs, church bazaars and frat houses across Ottawa.

Watson’s landslide victory into the Mayor’s chair was a stunning display of shotgun campaigning in the weeks leading up to election, with Watson never ceasing to attend any event in the greater Ottawa Valley. After a victory celebration with Ensure milkshakes at Palisades Retirement Home, Watson and his entourage quickly moved to the Hintonburg Bingo Hall where he was congratulated by hundreds of well wishers for about 12 minutes, and then vacated to attend another party over at the Glebe Community Craft Fair. “I just can’t stop the momentum of visiting everyone!” Watson gleefully exclaimed. “The job has just begun, there are over 98,985 places and events I have yet to visit.” the hard working and charismatic Mayor-elect remarked before Tweeting the location of his next stop.

Losing to Watson, current Mayor Larry O’Brien gave a gracious speech and wished Watson well with his new job as Mayor beginning December 1st. “Jim really made himself available through the use of clones and holograms, which were impervious to my Kryptonite rays.” O’Brien commented before exiting from his campaign headquarters into a waiting Luthor Industries helicopter that took off into the night. O’Brien mentioned in his speech that he looks forward to returning to his secret lair as Lex Luthor and battling Superman once again.

Watson already has plans to attend 86 pancake breakfasts tomorrow morning and hopes to someday meet every citizen in Ottawa. “I’m halfway there, with over 6.786,234 campaign stops over the last ten weeks, I am closer to my goal of meeting everyone in this fine city.” Watson exclaimed before heading to Kanata for a celebratory cake cutting at a Lions' Club. Congratulations Jim, the O-dot wishes you all the best!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Westboro Cyclist Arrives To Work 3 Minutes Earlier Thanks To Spandex, Clicky Shoes

Westboro- Westboro resident Hubert Nettle was elated to learn he got to work 3 minutes earlier than normal thanks to his new Spandex bike shorts, aerodynamic helmet, camel pack and bolt-to-the-pedal click shoes. Attributing his early arrival at Statistics Canada to the new bike equipment, Nettle is elated and proud to learn he can now get there 3 minutes earlier. “I really needed the Spandex and click-in shoes to get here as fast as possible.” Nettle stated. “Without this bike equipment I definitely would have been 1-2 minutes slower.” he remarked.

Often questioned by on-lookers if he was in training for the Tour De France or Ironman Triathlon, Nettle joins the ranks of many Westboro residents who commute to work by bicycle, utilizing aerodynamic and time saving equipment such as Spandex outerwear and click-in-the-pedal shoes. Many of these commuters can be heard clacking around local coffee shops in their bike shoes and be seen in colourful Spandex, making their commute time shorter. “Sure I could easily just wear normal clothes and get to work for nine, but with my bike gear I can get there by 8:55.” explained fellow rider Kevin Murdale who also wears the elaborate outfit to work.

With traffic increasingly congested on city streets, many residents are opting to bike to work, but they want to make sure they take seriously the 19 minute bike ride into the downtown core. “I want people to know I bike to work when I walk into Bridgehead and the Spandex and clacking sound the shoes make as I walk around really assists with that image I’m trying to convey.” Murdale explains.

Next week both Murdale and Nettle hope to shave off another 30 seconds and increase attention to their image by wearing a face shield to improve aerodynamics. Next year, both cyclists will be purchasing recumbent bicycles to further decrease their commute time. Cyclists interested in acquiring these and other time saving devices can visit their local bike shop or any of the 178 outdoor stores in the Westboro area.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Watson Readies Clone Army For Mayor's Office

Ottawa - With only 5 days remaining in the campaign for Mayor, favoured candidate Jim Watson made a surprise announcement from his headquarters earlier today revealing he is actually one of 12 clones that were "created" for his campaign. Using cloning techniques perfected in Asia, Watson announced he clinically cloned himself so he could make multiple campaign appearances across the city at the same time.

Known for being at many events throughout the greater Ottawa area at the same time, Watson admitted his clones were attending the events for him, so he, or his "presence" could cover more ground during the campaign. The clones look, act and speak exactly like Watson who invested over $2 million in the cloning process. "I think the citizens of Ottawa should know that I am now even more capable of executing my duties as Mayor since I have 11 other "me's" to handle the difficult task." Watson explained to a shocked group of media and press attending the announcement at his campaign headquarters.

"However, people should also know that I am the only one Tweeting over 2,000 times a day, and those Tweets are not from my clones." Watson remarked before two red cloaked guards entered and kept a raucous crowd from approaching the clones that suddenly appeared from behind the curtains. Watson then commented his new clone army will bring order and stability to the galaxy and that the clones and he look forward to ruling the city from the Imperial Council after October 25. Watson then immediately Tweeted his announcement.

Competing candidates Larry O'Brien and Clive Doucet were shocked to learn of Watson's use of the clones to appear across the city at the same time, but were not surprised. "The guy is at a retirement home in Vanier at noon, then at a school assembly in Greely ten minutes just didn't add up." Doucet replied. O'Brien remains confident he can win the election and beat the clones and Watson with his new Lighter-Than-Air Transit plan. "My ring-road idea, OC Transpo Zeppelins and giant Krypto-Laser Fuel Plant will get me back in City Hall." O'Brien remarked before boarding a helicopter bound for his secret lair.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

O'Brien Proposes Lighter-Than-Air Transit Instead Of Light Rail

Ottawa- Current Mayor Larry O'Brien revealed today his future vision of transit in the Ottawa area through the use of Lighter-Than-Air vehicles rather than the planned Light Rail Transit system proposed by other mayoral candidates.

A somewhat confused and anxious O'Brien made his presentation to press and media in the lobby of City Hall this morning in an attempt to boost lagging voter confidence in his campaign. Criticized for his lack of vision with regards to transit in the Ottawa area, O'Brien emphatically unveiled a model of his planned airship that will carry commuters across the city. His plan uses lighter-than-air dirigibles that would transport passengers east and west from mooring towers in Kanata, Downtown and Orleans. O'Brien proposes the use of at least 25 airships through OC Transpo who would be the chief operator of the system. "The City of Ottawa needs giant blimps!" O'Brien stated in his presentation and continued to show a video and about the lighter-than-air vehicles. The media was than welcomed to question O'Brien about his new transit plan, with many reporters skeptical of the dangerous and expensive idea.

"The skies will be filled with giant blimps carrying commuters efficiently across our great city, freeing the roads of congesting traffic and allow us to gaze down upon the beauty that is Ottawa." O'Brien responded when asked why giant airships instead of light rail transit. Fellow candidate Jim Watson was puzzled by the last minute desperate attempt at a transit plan by O'Brien but did not completely dismiss the eccentric plan. "I could use the blimps myself to get to the multiple events I usually I have booked." commented Watson.

After the presentation O'Brien left the stage to board his own personal lighter-than-air ship docked behind City Hall emblazoned with "Luthor Industries", and took off towards a campaign stop in Greely.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Distracting Election Signs Cause Accident In West End

Byron Ave. - The current mucinicpal election has been somewhat heated between candidates, but a recent traffic accident has now taken the election to a more dangerous level. Doug Slagson, 88, an undecided voter in the Kitchissippi Ward has put up over 120 campaign signs on his lawn at the intersection of Byron and Dawson Ave. resulting in a serious multiple car accident that has sent four people to hospital with minor injuries.

A distracted driver trying to comprehend the 120 signs posted on his lawn suffered sensory overload and went into a seizure causing his vehicle to lose control and careen into oncoming traffic, causing a multi-vehcile pile up at the intersection. In a chain reaction of drivers distracted trying to read all the signs, 34 vehicles were involved in the pile up, resulting in minor injuries to 4 people involved.

"I was just driving along and happened to glance over at all the signs and then I lost control of my car and before I knew it I was rear ending the car in front." stated Gary Thubert, who was unharmed in the pile up, but still thinks Slagson should remove some signs or make up his mind who he is voting for.

"I am still undecided." Slagson remarked, "Until I make up my mind I'll be supporting each and every candidate with a lawn sign." replied Slagson who has since been contacted by City officials to remove some of the signs before they distract further drivers and cause an even more serious accident. "We told him to maybe take down a couple, but he refuses until he makes up his mind who he is voting for." commented City By-Law officer Gwen Jenkins who visited Slagson after the accident. "He's not breaking any rules, so we really can't do anything." Jenkins said.

With another week of municipal campaigning in the Ottawa area, the distracting signs will most likely remain on Slagson's lawn until voting day, so police are warning drivers to avoid the area so they will not be distracted and lose control of their vehicle. Slagson reports he is leaning towards a Hobbs/Watson vote, but is somewhat apprehensive of Watson's casual dress and Hobbs sultry looks. "Back in my day a Mayor wore a hat and the women were not allowed to show any knee." Slagson remarked before placing yet another Clive Doucet sign on his lawn.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Sens Blame Poor Performance On Absent Drunk/Shirtless Fan

Ottawa - The ailing Ottawa Senators placed blame for their recent lack of scoring and game wins on the shoulders of an absent fan who no longer attends their games. Known to the team as "Insane Blaine", the usually loud, drunk and shirtless fan has been missing from the audience for the last three games, and the team is really feeling it. Without his constant screaming, flag waving, profanity laden support, the Sens feel lost on the ice and it has adversely affected their game play.

"We just don't have that winning spirit on the ice without Insane Blaine around." remarked team captain Daniel Alfredsson who hopes Blaine comes back to the stands soon. "The team really feels lost without his screaming and crazy antics." explained Alfredsson, who is trying to cope with the recent lack of performance within the Sens. "That one, drunk guy makes all the difference." admits Alfredsson.

Blaine has been absent from most of the games due to increased demands at his work, where he has been switched to another department within Transport Canada, and has been unable to get off work in time to prepare for the all-important Sens games. "I just haven't been able to get out there with my face paint and Sens cape." remarked Blaine, who works as an analyst and computer tech at Transport Canada. "I feel terrible that I'm responsible for the recent game losses, and I now realize that my screaming, shirtless and drunk behaviour at a game really does make an important difference to the team. Without me, they are definitely losing and scoring less." proclaimed Blaine, who spends most of his paycheque on Sens tickets and beer at Scotiabank Place.

In an effort to bring Blaine back to the stands, Sens owner Eugene Melnyk has even considered putting Blaine on the pay-roll as a way of brining back the lustre to the once powerful Senators franchise.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Chilean Miners Choose To Remain Underground For New TV Show

Hollywood - On the heels of the release of the trapped Chilean miners, ABC has announced plans to launch a new series based on the plight of those trapped underground with a new reality show entitled "Trapped With The Stars" that will air on ABC and CTV October 24th.

The new reality format show will showcase celebrities trapped underground for two months while paired with professional miners in the same mine that had 33 gold/copper miners encased underground for over two months.

"We feel the world is ready to see celebrities in a environment that is both harrowing and entertaining." exclaimed ABC Senior VP of Programming Dwight Klymons who hopes the new series will bring awareness to the gruelling conditions experienced by the trapped miners. "These guys were underground for over 60 days with no outside contact. That is a perfect backdrop for our show that will team a B-list actor from the 1980's with a real miner so we can see who can last the longest." Klymons explained.

The show will consist of five pairs of miners, a celebrity and miner, in a collapsed mine shaft with limited rations. Each week pairs will compete in a competition that will be viewed by judges above the surface, competing in events such as "jack hammering" "air supply conservation" and "sing-a-longs". The currently trapped miners, who were scheduled for rescue Tuesday evening, have been asked by ABC to remain inside their crypt-like environment as celebrities are shuttled down a tube into the collapsed mine shaft to join their isolated counter-parts. So far, two celebrities have already been dropped into the mine, including 1980's funny man Dave Coulier who starred in the popular 'Full House" TV show, as well as pint sized Emmanuel Lewis, who played "Webster" in the 1980's comedy series of the same name. Also scheduled to drop into the mine shaft is Kim Fields who played the character "Tootie" in the popular series "Facts Of Life".

"Trapped With The Stars" airs on October 24th with a special one hour premiere showcasing the claustrophobic conditions with introductions of the miner team mates. ABC has offered the miners $55,000 USD per episode to remain in the collapsed mine shaft, with many eagerly accepting the chance to star alongside Tootie, Webster and Mr. Coulier for another two months in the mine.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

IG-88 Droids Replace Parking Meters On City Streets

Ottawa- Coin operated parking meters will be become a thing of the past as new IG-88 Droids will replace the less efficient meters next month. Touted as the “ultimate parking payment method” for city parking, the new droids will be phased into service beginning with Preston Street and moving east into the downtown core.

The City of Ottawa decided to implement the droids after recent studies concluded that there was a 87% increase in revenue collected with the droids over the traditional meter collection. Manufactured by Galactic Empire Industries, the parking droids are solar powered and allow users to pay with credit, debit or cash and then dispense a ticket that can be displayed on the vehicle. Failure to pay for parking initiates a penalty program in the droid that results in focused laser blasts directed at the infracting vehicle and operator.

“The IG-88s have proved themselves as a successful parking meter system throughout the world and we are excited to bring their efficient revenue collection techniques to the streets of Ottawa.” exclaimed Beth Helmstone, Bylaw Services Chief Officer. “These stationary units not only allow a more convenient method of payment but also stops people from rolling into a parking spot that still has time on the meter.” says Helmstone.

The IG-88 Droids cost over $500,000 each, but come equipped with GPS targeting, multiple credit card interface and a 360 rotational laser. Known for their work in tracking rogue smugglers, the droids have recently been utilized by Bylaw Services who find them efficient and cost saving. “The IG-88s may look intimidating, but they really make paying $6.00 an hour for parking a pleasurable experience.” commented Helmstone.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Buick Unveils Latest Model Aimed At Senior Market

Detroit - Today General Motors launched their latest model, the Buick "C-Nile", a vehicle specifically aimed at the growing senior market. Featuring an assortment of amenities geared towards older drivers, this latest Buick comes at a time when over 68% of new car buyers are elderly. A recent study by GM proves that a large majority of new car buyers are retired, or over the age of 65 with a purchasing power in the $40,000-50,000 price bracket.

With such standard driving features as "Random Braking", "Extra Slow Turning" and "Lane Straddler" built into the Buick's new on-board computer, many seniors will find the C-Nile a comfortable and re-assuring ride. Optional equipment on the 2011 model include, "Pedal Guard" a feature that eliminates the danger of confused elderly drivers jamming on the gas instead of the brake during reactionary situations, "Signalling Eliminator", a feature that makes sure that the vehicle's turn signal indicators never function, and the Buick exclusive "10 Under" drivetrain that constantly maintains the vehicle's speed at 10km under the speedometer reading.

"We're proud of the C-Nile." commented Buick's President, Hal Gromsill, who believes this latest model will entice a wide range of senior drivers who are looking for the comforts of a North American automobile with their specific needs engineered into the design. "Buick engineers have made sure the C-Nile has everything an old, crotchety driver would want, including a denture holder and hemorrhoid cushioned seating." Gromsill explained. The C-Nile also boasts an over sized chassis and strengthened uni-body design that makes sure the elderly driver feels completely safe in their gargantuan vehicle. "Studies show that there is a correlation between the size of the driver and their vehicle, with most frail, shrinking old people opting to purchase, large, oversized cars to provide a false sense of security." Gromsill remarked.

Road tests have shown the C-Nile to be quite agile and make remarkable slow turns even when the accelerator pedal is pushed to the limit. The Random Braking feature made sure to pulsate the brakes for absolutely no reason sporadically during the road test as carefully designed. Safety features include 56 airbags for the hip area, and an exterior airbag to ensure pedestrians, parking barricades and hydro poles are protected from the somewhat erratic driving habits of the elderly operator.

The C-nile should arrive in showrooms this December and all Buick showrooms have been converted to be wheelchair accessible to accommodate their popular demographic.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Leadman, Hobbs Prepare For Swimsuit Segment Of Campaign

Kitchissippi Ward- In what is turning out to be a close race for councillor in the Kitchissipi Ward, leading candidates Christine Leadman and Katherine Hobbs are nervously preparing for the casual, but all-important swimsuit segment of the municipal election campaign. Donning revealing bikini swim wear, the two female candidates will take to the stage Friday October 15 at the Tom Brown Arena and perform an on-stage question and answer period from 8-9pm. Both Leadman and Hobbs hope the swimsuit segment of the campaign will not only raise awareness of their political platforms, but also their personal appearances, notably skin condition and body toning.

With appearances being a critical part of the campaign process, Hobbs and Leadman have decided to incorporate the swimsuit segment into the campaign to bring an added dynamic to those voters who are still undecided. Sporting revealing bikini swimwear while taking to the stage and answering questions from ward residents will hopefully bring the two candidates to a closer, more personal level with their constituents.

"Sure I've fielded questions about transit issues and condo development, but now it's time for voters to see the real Christine, the one who chills out at the beach and hits the gym every second day." Leadman exclaimed while applying self tanning lotion to her thighs. Hobbs on the other hand, sees the swimsuit segment as a way to reach out to the male voters of the Kitchissippi ward. "I decided to break out the bikini and show off what is below my neck." Hobbs remarked. Many residents are already familiar with the provocative and sultry photo of Hobbs on her election signs posted on street corners around the neighbourhood. "A recent poll has shown a positive male response to my election signs, so I feel I owe them something more." Hobbs explained.

The all-candiate swimsuit segment includes Hobbs, Leadman and Stringer, who is opting for a more conservative 1920's one piece swimsuit, but hopes to answer any questions voters may pose during the event. Hobbs and Leadman also invite media and press to attend a ritualistic duel after the question period where the candidates will engage in a battle similar to the one in that Star Trek episode where Spock and Kirk have to duel to the death with cool weapons.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Stroller Jam Snarls Traffic On Wellington West

Wellington Village- An early morning stroller jam caused an extremely difficult sidewalk and street situation for those that braved Wellington West Saturday morning. Hundreds of strollers jammed the area as parents robotically pushed their over-sized child movers onto sidewalks towards coffee shops, trendy children's boutiques and organic food stores. The stroller jam caused delays for both motorists and pedestrians as they tried to carefully navigate through the sea of oversized strollers, most with screaming children inside.

One pedestrian was slightly injured when a stroller ran over his foot as he was attempting to exit a coffee shop. "I just got my latte and was heading out the door when this massive stroller barged into me, crushing my foot as the parent tried to manoeuvre the thing through the small doorway." exclaimed Terry Lumus who was later rushed to hospital with a cracked ankle. A more serious accident was narrowly avoided when a trailer stroller being towed behind a bike almost jack-knifed near Caroline Avenue as the rider tried to swerve and avoid another stroller.

"The situation is getting progressively worse," cited local store owner Hank VanSteeles who has operated a small tailor shop on Wellington West for over 50 years. 'There never used to be this much stroller traffic back in the old days, but heck, I don't think they even had strollers in my day, the kid was placed in a burlap potato sack and carried quietly over the shoulder." reminisced VanSteeles. Like most store owners VanSteeles is apprehensive about the recent influx of giant strollers to the area and hopes some bylaws are put in place regarding their usage on sidewalks.

The stroller jam snarled traffic for up to three hours, with most stroller operators ignoring pleas for help as they were too engrossed in their organic lattes, the trendy furniture stores or their designer footwear. Police were later called on to the scene and traffic began to resume to normal conditions after 35 strollers were either towed or forcibly removed.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Public Service Introduces Novelty Paycheques In Attempt To Lower Depression In The Workplace

Ottawa - A recent study that exposed a high level of depression among Government employees has resulted in a fun and new way to get paid within the Public Service. As of Friday October 1, all government employees will now receive their paycheques in a hilarious over-sized cheque format that will boost morale and bring a much needed smile to the depressed employees.

The study concluded that Ottawa is sad place to be because its distressed workplace makes the city the “depression capital of Canada,” leading mental health expert Bill Wilkerson says. Co-founder of the Global Business and Economic Roundtable on Addiction and Mental Health.“The federal workplace, make no mistake about it, makes people sick. It’s a distressed and dismayed workplace,” said Wilkerson.

“The first decade of the 21st century has been a tough one for the health and well-being of federal employees, and the trends here certainly suggest that Ottawa is emerging as Canada’s capital of workplace depression.”Depression is the fastest-growing source of workplace disability in the public and private sectors and costs the economy about $51 billion a year. But few workplaces are hit as hard as the public service — especially among workers over 40 years old, in their prime working years.

The federal government spends about $600 million a year on health benefits for its employees, so the introduction of the funny, and whimsical paycheque will surely alleviate the problem, and reduce health costs. Studies have proven that over-sized cheques increase endorphin levels in the brain when they are given to a person, with the recipient feeling happier, and more content than receiving a regular sized paycheque.

The novelty cheques will cost and extra $40 million a month to distribute, but the benefits are sure to justify the costs, says Health Canada spokesperson Jill Brady, who endorses the use of the giant cheques. "You can just see their faces light up when they get their cheques each payday, they feel like they have won the lottery." Brady remarked.

Some employees enjoy the new cheque format, while others are hesitant about embracing them. "I find it hard to get on the bus after work with my huge paycheque and I can't really deposit it into the ATM easily." lamented George Trusdale who received his first novelty cheque today. "It's fun to get it, and I guess I feel happier." Trusdale replied.