Wednesday, November 30, 2011

New Ikea To Have Assemble-While-You Wait In Line Option

Ottawa- When the nation’s largest Ikea store opens next Wednesday December 7th, customers will have the unique option to assemble their furniture while they wait in the massive check-out line ups. With the usual wait times in a typical Ikea check out line being approximately 38 minutes, shoppers can now use that lengthy time to assemble the furniture they have in their carts. Ikea Canada President Olaf Ericksson hopes this new feature will alleviate some of the frustrations Ikea customers had waiting in long line ups at the cash registers. “Now people can assemble their “Klimgarrd” side table while they wait in line, making Ikea yet again the most efficient shopping experience available.” Eriksson boasted.

The new “Assemble-While-You Wait” option will have a seprate queue for customers to tear open their boxes and begin assembling their products while ever so slowly inching towards the cash register. In addition to the assembly area, special pneumatic allen key wrenches will be available for customers to use as well as trained Ikea staff to aid in the assembly proecedure. Eriksson believes this new option will add yet another positive note to the Ikea experience, stating, “Now customers can walk out of the store with a fully assembled product, efficiently using the 38 minutes they spent waiting in line.”

Monday, November 28, 2011

Westboro Christmas Parade Features Leaner, More Fit Santa

Westboro - Excited children of the Westboro community were greeted to a sighting of Santa Claus this weekend, although the usually rotund, bearded old Saint Nick looked a lot different from what most kids had expected. The Westboro Santa featured in the parade was no longer a plump, jovial elderly bearded man, but rather a late 40's, active living, healthy, fit and clean shaven man, trading in the traditional red and white plush suit for a form fitting Lululemon yoga outfit. Westboro BIA President Sheila Newman wanted to transform the image of the typically un-fit, overweight, elderly image of Santa Claus, into a more vibrant, healthy and positive image that reflects more of the active-living lifestyle her community represents. "Santa should be a role model for the children, and with our Santa, I think he exemplifies a healthy, fit role model for the Westboro children." Newman explained.

Also modified was the traditional sleigh and reindeer that Santa's parade float usually features, being replaced by a more allergy conscious choice of a team of Labradoodles harnessed to a Subaru Forester supplied by Otto's Subaru of Westboro. "A lot of the parade spectators have severe allergies to animal dander, so we thought the Labradoodles were an excellent alternative." replied Newman, who also had Bridghehead coffee house supply the dogs with head toques made from coffee cups.

Before the children were treated to the sight of healthy Saint Nick, the parade also showcased a number of other Westboro parade participants including a team of Nordic Stick Walkers, a brigade of decorated baby strollers and Bridgehead elves distributing fair trade coffee beans instead of the usual sugary candy canes. A barefoot runner and a recumbent bicycle also joined in on the festive fun.

As the healthier, thinner Westboro Santa Claus finally arrived on his Subaru, many children had mixed reactions, with some crying and hiding their faces from the obviously different appearance of their revered Santa Claus. "Santa looks sick, and why is wearing girl's clothes?" one child remarked as the float passed by. The Westboro Santa waved to the children bellowing his trademark "HO HO HO" in both official languages, and reminded children that due to his lactose intolerance and gluten free diet, to please leave behind prune juice and a flax seed muffin instead of the traditional milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Jovial Swedish Santa, or "Jultomten" To Open New Ikea December 7th

Ottawa- After years in the making, the new Ottawa Ikea store will be opened to the public for the first time December 7th by none other than Santa himself, or as he is known in Sweden, "Jultomten". Bearing ingeniously and efficiently packaged gifts for the children, Jultomten is planned to emerge from out of the 400 foot deep children's area ballroom to ceremonially cut the ribbon and officially open Canada's largest Ikea showroom.

Known for his somewhat creepy Scandanavian holiday behaviour and bizarre gnomish attire, the Ikea Jultomten will silently stalk children throughout the store, pouncing on them brandishing a large, candy allen key in a traditional Swedish manner. Sending children screaming from his presence, Jultomten will then devour raw meat from a freshly butchered goat while singing traditional Swedish yuletide hymns.

Ikea Canada President Olaf Eriksson will be present during the opening ceremony and hopes the addition of Jultomten will add some holiday excitement to the event. "Jultomten is a wonderful character from Sweden who I think will be remembered by the children in attendance for years to come." Eriksson remarked. "He is sometimes feared because traditionally he eats children on Christmas Eve, so we thought the raw goat meat would be a safer alternative for the Canadian children who may not be accustomed to Scandanavian folklore." replied Eriksson.

Jultomen will then take his place on his Christmas throne, which is a modified "Larskrat" chair and take excited children onto his knee where he will regale them with stories of ogres, witches and the Christmas goat before handing them their very own candy allen key to take home.

Eriksson looks forward to sharing some Swedish culture with the excited Ottawa shoppers, and hopes to make Jultomten an annual holiday tradition. "The highly anticipated opening of the new Ikea in Ottawa is expected to draw thousands of Christmas shoppers on our opening day, and with the addition of the jovial Jultomten, it is sure to bring more."

Monday, November 21, 2011

Westboro SUVs Crushed As Stroller Chase Strays Off Sidewalk Into Traffic

Wellington St. W. - Vehicle traffic in the West Wellington Village area was disrupted on a quiet Sunday afternoon after a stroller chase lead to a massive stroller straying off the sidewalk and into traffic. The usually quiet, latte toting sidewalk foot traffic scattered as the errant stroller careened off the sidewalk and head on into a passing Subaru SUV . The climatic end to a 23 minute stroller chase through the baby boutique and active-outerwear lined streets of Westboro and West Wellington Village left 4 vehicles damaged, but no one injured. Police Constable Michaels who responded to the incident said the stroller lost control after being chased by an upset Mother-In-Law who was chasing the stroller and unidentified mom pushing the stroller. The massive stroller narrowly avoided a marble artichoke statue on the sidewalk, careening off the sidewalk and into traffic. Police are still investigating and ask witnesses to the accident to contact their local detachment of the Ottawa Police Department.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

OC Transpo Replaces All Bus Drivers With Honda 'ASIMO' Robots

Ottawa- In a bold and decisive move to improve failing customer service, OC Transpo has fired all bus drivers and replaced them with more efficient and predictable Honda "ASIMO" robots. The change was made effective midnight Wednesday, with the new friendly robots taking their places behind the wheels of city buses Thursday morning.

After a recent string of negative incidents being reported and making headlines over the past week, OC Transpo held an emergency board meeting with an executive decision being made to relieve all current drivers of their duties as of midnight Wednesday, and putting the ASIMO robots in their place. OC Transpo purchased 3,000 of the Honda robots last week sensing trouble from the Transit Union which has come under fire recently for its highly publicized negative customer service. ASIMO is a humanoid robot created by Honda that has programmed Artificial Intelligence that allows it to drive bus routes with ease and on schedule. ASIMO, which is an acronym for "Advanced Step inInnovative MObility" is 4 feet, 3 inches tall and 119 lbs. and can politely deal with all aspects of transit customer service, including irate passengers, transfer or route questions as well as general knowledge information. The robots are programmed to never use profanity, sing, or abandon a bus and can easily navigate traffic situations with the utmost of ease.

Union officials are upset at the recent shift to robot drivers and are investigating legal action with regards to the mass firing of all human bus drivers within OC Transpo. Passengers that frequent OC Transpo services applaud the move with many looking forward to getting to their destinations on time and without trouble. "Now we can all get to work on time and not live in fear of another strike." commented one passenger who shook the robot's hand in thanks as he disembarked from his bus.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Barrhaven Historical Society Rallies To Save 1993 Winners Store

Barrhaven - Residents of the Barrhaven community were greeted Monday morning by the rallying chants and protests of members of the Barrhaven Historical Society as they waved placards in front of the closed Winners store that is slated for demolition next week.

The Barrhaven Historical Society, or BHS, has been lobbying the City of Ottawa to save the historic 1993 building which has stood at the corner of Greenbank and Strandherd Roads for almost 18 years. BHS President Glen Simmons, stood in front of the decaying, stucco and brick building, hoping to bring about a last minute change to the decision to demolish the heritage building. "This has been an important retail hub for many Barrhaven residents over the last few decades, bringing quality name brand merchandise at affordable prices to the community." Simmons remarked. "To demolish this cultural and historic building would be a grave loss for this generation, and generations to come." said Simmons, who has contacted City Hall numerous times to try and save the abandoned building.

Simmons wants the city to recognize the historical significance of the building which utilizes, pre-century architectural details such as polymer stucco, pink and blue detailing, and a tinted glass facade. Simmons believes the building is part of Barrhaven's rich, suburban past and needs to saved. 'This kind of building is truly a reminder of our illustrious retail past." Simmons commented before heading to a Quizno's for a toasted turkey club sub.

The City of Ottawa was unavailable for comment on the matter, but sources indicate the building is being demolished to make way for a new HomeSense store and possible Talbots factory outlet.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Makers Of Popular 'Angry Birds' Launch New 'Angry Bus Drivers' Game

Ottawa- Recent news of an OC Transpo bus driver who lost his temper at a mentally challenged passenger has spawned the developers of the widely popular 'Angry Birds' video game to launch a new app game entitled 'Angry Bus Bus Drivers'. The highly anticipated new game features a disgruntled OC Transpo bus driver in a fit of rage, destroying notable Ottawa landmarks such as the Parliament Buildings, and the more topical Royal Ottawa Mental Health Institute, inspired by the real-life report of an Ottawa bus driver screaming profanities at a mentally ill passenger.

"This new game is a highly entertaining follow-up to our sensationally popular original 'Angry Birds' game, which has sold over 300 million copies worldwide." explained Angry Birds Senior Developer Johann Nustailennen, who helped create the original Angry Birds game in 2009. "Basing our new game on the actual video footage of an OC Transpo bus driver unleashing a rage of profanity laden anger towards a handicapped passenger will bring a certain level of topical realism that I think fans of the original game should enjoy." Nustailennen remarked. After multiple levels of destroying Ottawa landmarks, players can unlock a level where they can ram an angry bus driver down the throat of a meek passenger for bonus points.

The 'Angry Bus Driver' game is officially launched on November 12 at which point customers can download the game app for $1.99 through the App Store. OC Transpo will be earning substantial royalties from the game sales once it is released, but still plans on raising transit fares in 2012 to ensure they can hire only the best, hatred filled, angry bus drivers for Ottawa passengers to enjoy.