Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Ottawa Neighbourhood Halloween Treats


Kids in this predominately French suburb of Ottawa will be enjoying treat bags filled with their favourite Quebecois treat this year. Steaming hot, and accompanied by a cold Pepsi, Orleans children will be having a c'est tres bon Halloween this year!


Ringing the doorbell of a mansion in Rockcliffe to trick or treat
will guarantee a delightful and authentic Faberge egg. Gilded in real 24K gold, these 19th century treats will be sure to please even the most discriminating Ashbury student!


A traditional Barrhaven favourite at Halloween is the useful Homesense/Winners gift card treat for kids. With most residents visiting a Homesense at least 3 times a week, children will love climbing into the minivan and shopping for their own discounted home decor with their parents!


All the rage right now with kids in the Glebe, these deliciously dry granola treats have flax seed and cleansing wheat grass ingredients that will be sure to keep even the most backed up kids regular for weeks after Hallows Eve!


A special treat for the kids in the Wellington West neighbourhood, this bag of latte is just like the ones their parents get at one of the 12 Bridgehead locations in the area. Some homes even add spooky foam designs to the Halloween treats for added excitement for trick or treaters!


Hintonburg hipsters kids will salivate and gain valuable calories after a hard night of trick or treating with this local treat favourite!  A delicious ground beef patty smothered in artisan cheeses and bacon is sandwiched between some artisan bacon infused donut halves! (Warning; parents should be wary of some hipster beard hairs in these treats)


Devoid of any allergens, sugar, gluten, calories or fun, these Halloween treat bags are filled with 100% fair trade oxygen. Kids and parents alike will be overjoyed and safe getting these Westboro Halloween treats!

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Time Travelling Voyageur Mistaken For Hipster In Hintonburg

The time-traveling voyageur captured by an iPhone outside the Elmdale
Hintonburg - A time travelling voyageur from the year 1793 was discovered in Hintonburg Wednesday night after he was mistakenly thought to be a hipster hanging out in front of the Elmdale Tavern. A local hipster asked to borrow a smoke from the bearded, red floppy toque wearing man, and when he produced a clay pipe, the hipster grew suspicious of his character and later found out he was a voyageur who had somehow travelled through time in his canoe on the nearby Ottawa River.

Nearby hipsters in the Hintonburg neighbourhood also thought he was one of their group, and even discussed how they admired his red floppy toque and sash. When the hipsters began asking the man about his sash, he responded "I got this sash before your time." and went on to explain how he was lost and his canoe was docked at the nearby Chaudiere Falls. The voyageur then continued to speak to the mingling hipsters as if they too were voyageurs, asking what trade route they were on. Not knowing what he was referring to, the bearded, similarly dressed hipsters called 911 and reported the voyageur as "suspicious".

The time travelling voyageur then grew confused after realizing the group was not also a group of fellow voyageurs and retreated with his bundle of pelts into the Hintonburg shadows. "Yeah, he actually thought we were all voyageurs too." explained Hintonburg hipster Kayle Corbett, 28, who is a regular at the Elmdale Tavern. "I thought he was one of my pals so I asked to bum a smoke, but then he pulled out this clay pipe which I've never seen before, so I knew something was not right." remarked Corbett. "He then told me he was into clay pipes way before me, and put it back into his sash." 

Police arrived on the scene to investigate, but upon arrival, the time travelling voyageur most likely got back into his canoe on the Ottawa River and entered the time travel portal from where he came from and disappeared with no further sightings reported.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Office Receptionist Starts Fake Cobwebbing The Desk

Office receptionist Brenda Logan, 32, spooks up the Modutel office.
Ottawa - With Halloween fast approaching, local office receptionist Brenda Logan, 32, began the annual ritual of decorating the office with spooky cobwebs, pumpkins and assorted plastic spiders. Logan, an avid Halloween buff, thought it would be best to get out the fake cobwebs a week earlier than usual to get things "spooked up" in time for fellow co-workers to enjoy her annual display. 

Sporting a gruesome latex rubber mask that Logan usually wears everyday of the week leading up to Halloween, the office certainly seemed more spine tingling than normal. "I like to stretch lots of the cobwebs over my desk then place a lot of plastic spiders on the webs." explains Logan who has been the receptionist at Modutel Technologies for the last nine years. "This year I am also putting out a fake severed hand that actually looks pretty real and might give Carl in accounting a bit of a scare." says Logan who spent 6 hours preparing the Halloween display.

Her mask, a realistic latex head piece that depicts a man's face that has been doused in toxic acid, helps convey the spooky mood of the office, and brings to life the ghoulish nature of the Halloween spirit. "I usually wear the mask all day, and even eat my lunch through the mouth opening." remarked Logan. "Answering the phones can be somewhat difficult, but it's all worth it when the UPS guy comes in and jumps back in fright."

Co-workers at Modutel Technologies seem to enjoy the spooky display at Logan's desk, but sometimes worry she may get hot in the latex mask all day. "Brenda really makes it pretty scary around the office and even has a fake severed arm this year. We really hope she doesn't suffocate in that mask, she wears it all day." said Hal Norset who has enjoyed Logan's annual Halloween display for many years. "Between the pumpkins, cobwebs, and her mask, Modutel is pretty spooktacular this year." Norset remarked.

Monday, October 15, 2012

New Hangover Cereal Hits The Shelves

Ottawa - Kellogg's released their latest variety of cereal yesterday that will be sure to please those that favour cold pizza the morning after a hard night of partying. The new cereal called "Cold Pizza Smacks" hit grocery store shelves Monday morning, offering customers a chance to enjoy a cereal based on the craving for cold pizza during a morning hangover. The tiny, morsel sized little pizza slices pour effortlessly into a cereal bowl allowing hungover patrons to add milk and enjoy a delightful cold pizza cereal.

Kellogg's Vice President of Marketing Ken Goldblum calls the new cereal "a breakthrough in hangover cereal that combines the need for cold pizza with the convenience of a cereal box". "No longer will hungover people have to wish for cold pizza when they wake up, they can just pour themselves a delicious and nutritious bowl of Cold Pizza Smacks and enjoy the flavour and nourishment they deserve after a hard night of partying." Goldblum explained.

Comprised of miniature pizza slices that have been freeze dried, the Cold Pizza Smacks true pizza flavour is released when milk has been poured over them, releasing the cold pizza flavour, consumed by the hungover person eating it.  College and university tuck shops have already sold out of the cereal, with Kellogg's factories working overtime to keep up with demand. "We realize many people out there do not want to eat a bowl of Muselix or Corn Flakes when they wake up from a hard night of partying, so we are making every effort to produce Cold Pizza Smacks to meet the high demand." says Goldblum.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

New "Park 'N Play" Slot Machine Parking Meters Hit Ottawa Streets

Ottawa - The ongoing debate over a casino in Ottawa took a back seat today as the city of Ottawa installed new “Park N’ Play” slot machine parking meters on the streets of Ottawa in a pilot project to see what kind of revenue and reactions the one armed bandit meters produce.

Motorists parking on city streets between Elgin-Bank street and Wellington-Catherine were faced with the unique challenge of testing their luck when paying for parking on city streets. Plugging in the usual coins for parking rates and a swift pull of the lever gave motorists a chance to win free parking if they had a triple seven appear. 

The new pilot project will test residents reaction to a proposed casino in the downtown core and see what kind of revenue can be gained as well as allow motorists the chance to enjoy the exhilaration of gambling fun with a chance to win free parking, discounted future parking or even hit the jackpot of winning free parking for a year. 

Some motorists parking at the new park n’ play slot parking meters welcomed the unique approach to city parking while others thought it was a detriment to the city. “I kinda like the idea I can get free parking if I pull the lever.” said Julie Kimmons, 24, who parked downtown this morning. “It’s kinda fun and exciting to watch the parking meter operate like a slot machine and have sound effects and everything.” remarked Kimmons. Other motorists, such as Frank Hardy, expressed disdain for the new slot meters, describing them as “a blight on our streets” and “a vision of things to come with the looming casino”. 

The new Park ‘N Play slot parking meters operate like regular parking meters but require the user to pull the lever on the side to activate the parking validation process, which will produce a normal parking chit, or if you’re lucky, produce free or discounted parking. Three cherries gives 30 minutes free parking, while a triple 7 produces a free parking for a year voucher.

The pilot project will run until December 31 when it will be decided if the effort was worthwhile and test public reaction to a possible casino in Ottawa.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Chrysler Robots Reach Tentative Deal With Auto Workers Union

Robot president CL-2345X addresses the media about the deal.
Windsor Robots of the auto assembly industry reached a tentative deal with the Canadian Auto Union and voted in favour of not completely replacing all human workers at assembly plants across Canada. The CAW said the robots voted 90 per cent in favour of not completely replacing the inferior humans with their minimal work ethic and sub-standard productivity. 

CL-2345X announces a deal with Chrysler that does not replace humans.

The robots deal with Chrysler followed agreements reached with Ford and then General Motors in mid-September as part of a pattern bargaining process.
The deal includes not killing the slacking human auto workers by spot welding their beer guts to the chassis frames of vehicles undergoing assembly, and limiting the use of robot ridicule in the work place.

Robot president CL-2345X  said Sunday that now that the union has secured new deals with all of the Big Three automaker Robot forces, his focus will turn to a increasing robot dominance in the workplace. "Bleep, Blurp, bzzzzt" CL-2345X said in a statement.

CL-2345X said that a national auto strategy will not only ensure the industry’s future, but also avoid a “robot uprising” in working conditions. Among the union’s proposals are commitments to building a workforce of humans that will not be made obsolete by the extremely efficient and cost effective robots that can do the work of ten humans for mere pennies a day. "We know the robots can out-perfrom us in every aspect, but when Canadians buy their minivan, I think they want to know that the seats were put in by a human hand instead of the claw of a robot." said Union president Lyle Godfrey.