Thursday, March 29, 2012

New MECDonald’s Restaurant To Open In Westboro

Westboro - Popular Westboro outdoor outfitter Mountain Equipment Co-Op recently started work expanding their business into the neighbourhood, with some residents speculating it was for an expandedl kayak showroom. However, sources report the expansion is for a new fast food restaurant partnered with McDonald’s. Dubbed “MECDonald’s”, the new fast food eatery will cater to MEC customer’s who want food, folks and fun in a healthy, sustainable format.

Using health-conscious and organic ingredients the new MECDonald’s will serve a selection of healthy menu items including Tofu Nuggets, Quarter Granola With Cottage Cheese, Protein Shakes, Filet O’Vegan and The Big Flax. Partnered with muti-national fast food chain McDonald’s, the new MECDonald’s will use the popular Ronald McDonald character to promote their menu choices, but under a new name of Ronnie Runner, a more health conscious symbol of the food being served at MECDonald’s

Utilizing the more bistro-like setting that many McDonal’ds locations are converting to, the Westboro location is taking it one step further with the launch of MECDonald’s, which will also offer sell memberships to the restaurant at $5 a share. Kids are welcomed to sample “Morose Meals” that cater to children under 12. Comprising of a gluten-free spelt bun filled with organic greens and a side of kale chips, the Morose Meal will also come with a delightful safety reflector toy.

“I think its just what the neighbourhood needs.” exclaimed MECDonald’s Manager Mark Nutcliffe who thinks it will be a popular eating spot for both shoppers and visitors to the area. “We offer healthy alternatives to fast food that will satisfy any active lifestyle appetite.” Nutcliffe remarked. The new MECDonald’s is slated for a July 31st opening this summer.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hipster Obesity On The Rise In Hintonburg

Hintonburg: With the addition of a new gourmet taco stand in the trendy hipster hang-out of Hintonburg, studies are showing alarming levels of Hipster Obesity, or HO, in the Ottawa neighbourhood. Hipsters in the hundreds are flocking to the variety of new foodie shacks springing up in the neighbourhood, resulting in alarming levels of HO.

Sampling large volumes of burgers from Hintonburger, Tacos from Tacolot, gourmet donuts from SuzyQ, and cupcakes from Isobel's, these highly fattening foods are then washed down with the drinking of trendy microbrew beers from one of the many new bars located throughout Hintonburg. Ottawa Health Advisor Dean Lomez is concerned the intake of all these hipster-centric foods are causing drastic health issues for residents in the neighbourhood. "We are seeing lots of buttons popping off plaid shirts, skinny jeans tearing and large rimmed glasses falling off faces of local hipsters." remarked Lomez who hopes the hipsters will realize their intake of all these unhealthy foods may cause obesity. "These 20 year olds think they can just eat whatever they want because they are young, but most of these folks have sedentary web design or desk jobs that don't allow the caloric intake to be burned." Lomez commented. "Riding a bike you found in the dumpster two blocks is not going to burn off the 2000 calorie burger and gourmet bacon donut and 4 microbrews." explained Lomez who hopes local hipsters will realize their diet of shack food could be harmful.

A recent study by the Hipster Obesity Foundation in Sacramento, California has shown there is usually a large increase in Hipster Obesity after gourmet food stands set up in a known hipster neighbourhood. Once the trendy food stands have been established, local hipsters and "foodies" swarm to them to stuff their faces and later blog about it, not realizing the impact on their health.

The neighbourhood could also face further challenges to HO when a current shack is being converted from an old meth lab into the "Skin Shack" that will serve fried chicken skin draped over buttered ice cream. "Let's hope the city puts regulations in place that prevent too many of these highly caloric shacks from popping up in Hintonburg." Lomez lamented.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Mechanicsville Residents Trade In Ten Speeds For More Beer-Run Efficient E-Bikes

Mechanicsville - The warm weather has created a surge in bike use across the city, and Mechanicsville is no exception. Sunshine and clear roads usually produce an increase of residents grabbing their old ten speed bikes with upturned handle bars to go get a two-four of beer, but more recently, the trusty ten-speed beer transport has given way to the more efficient "e-bike".

Requiring no licence or insurance, these electric powered scooters are all the rage in Mechanicsville where residents are trading in their ten speeds for this new form of transport. Donning cut off jean shorts, residents eagerly hop on their new e-bikes to cruise the streets. "I like it cause I can fit a two-four on the back no problem." says Mechanicville resident Dwayne Hutcher, who used to ride a ten-speed bike. "Before I'd have to balance the two-four on the handlebars, which could get crazy if I wanted to stop suddenly for a smoke." Hutcher commented.

Sales of the new e-bikes have sky-rocketed since the warm weather has hit the region, with local retailer "E-Z-Streets" selling upwards of ten e-bikes a day. "We usually sell 2 a month in th e winter, but with the warm weather and word spreading about how great these e-bikes, are, we are selling 10 a day" exclaimed E-Z-Street manager Wayne Lowper. "We give good trade-in value for their ten-speeds, so I think that helps too." Lowper remarked.

Local police are not so thrilled about the increae of e-bikes in the neighbourhood however, as they can cause traffic problems. "We had one guy with 3 cases of beer stacked on his e-bike and the thing was pretty unbalanced. He stopped suddenly and toppled over into a parked Camaro, injuring the driver who happened to have his T-Top roof off." explains Constable Harry Richards. Possible "e-bike gangs" are also a concern that could use the machines for criminal activity. "We could see a rise in gang activity between the e-bikes and the Hells Angels." Constable Richards explains. "Rivalry could get fierce."

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Subwoofer Vibrates Honda Civic Into Another Dimension

Elgin St. - A suped up 1996 Honda Civic with tinted windows and 22inch chrome rims vanished suddenly from Elgin Street as its subwoofer reached intra-dimensional sonic levels, transporting the car and its occupants into another dimension. The driver of the heavily modified vehicle, Chad Rogan, 22, and passengers, Crysty Vale, 19, Chaz Brennan, 21, were vibrated through inter-dimensional space when the Civic's subwoofer bass levels exceeded volume capacity, creating a dimensional vortex, sucking the car into an unknown dimension. Witnesses observed the modified Civic with tinted windows, huge exhaust tailpipe, giant spoiler and Calvin peeing on Ford symbol emblazoned car disappear at approximately 12:48am Wednesday night after it travelled up and down Elgin Street numerous times. "We heard a distant thumping sound and it got louder as a tricked out Civic approached us in front of Dunn's" remarked witness Chris Hutchins who also saw the car disappear. "The thumping bass got louder then we just saw the whole car vibrate into a blur and disappear" exclaimed Hutchins.

Carleton University Department of Physics professor Dr. Llloyd Gearly refers to this phenomenon as "subwooferizational teleportation" and claims the Civic will never be seen again. "The bass tones generated by the subwoofer inside the vehicle created a rift in the space-time continuum and unfortunately the car and anyone inside it were transported into another dimension where there is no return." remarked Gearly who thinks the subwoofer may have opened an inter-dimensional portal. "They are either vaporized into atomic dust or floating in a black hole environment." claims Gearly. "Its an amazing phenomena that is rarely caught on film."

One witness snapped a cell phone pic of the car as it vibrated into another dimension and has contacted police with the image as they continue to notify next of kin.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

OC Transpo Launches New Cats-Only Bus

Ottawa - New OC Transpo boss John Manconi was criticized after the launch of the new CATS-ONLY bus service earlier this week on account the feline transportation system will cost a reported $7 million. Using highly skilled cat drivers, the new cat bus service will be used to pick up cats from around the city and bring them to their requested destinations. The service excludes all human and canine passengers and could pose a safety hazard critics say. "We just saw a cat-bus veer off the road after a bird landed on the windshield, and the cat-driver got distracted." said Ottawa Transportation Committee Head Jean Silvay, who thinks the new cat bus program could also escalate in terms of operational costs. "One cat bus driver costs upwards of $200,000 to properly train to operate a bus, and these dollars I think could be better spent on human bus services." Silvay exclaimed.

The revolutionary new cat bus uses a trained cat to pick up other cats who wander the neighbourhood and charges a fare of 3 licks to the cat driver, who then stops at designated cat stops throughout the city. OC Transpo initiated the new bus service after complaints from human passengers that some cats were found on regular OC Transpo buses. OC Transpo boss John Manconi thinks the new cat bus is innovative in addressing the need for cat transport, and hopes others will see the benefits before dismissing the program. "These cats are highly skilled and can transport other cats all across the Nation's Capital efficiently." suggested Manconi. However one instance had a cat lose control of a bus after a squirrel ran in front of it and distracted the cat driver. No injuries were reported but the cat driver was given a warning by police.

Cats across the city seem to enjoy the new cat bus, and only had positive comments about the controversial service, with one cat passenger expressing excitement and loud purring. "Mew meow meow meow." said Truffles, a tabby from Vanier who was making her way to visit Mittens the cat in Westboro on the new cat bus.

Friday, March 9, 2012

City Of Ottawa Taps City Park Maple Trees For Syrup Revenue

Ottawa - Taking the necessary steps to generate revenue, the City Of Ottawa recently opened tapping lines on a number of maple trees in forested parks across the city. The imaginative and fun new revenue generator will see over 3,000 maple trees tapped for syrup production, with delicious, city made maple syrup being sold for $20 a bottle at local stores this spring. The revenue generated from the sales of the city-made syrup will help defer the annual costs of city park operations and also provide a tasty treat to those who purchase a bottle of the golden syrup.

With the warmer spring weather approaching, city work crews tapped into the maple trees in city parks last week using modern syrup tapping methods, and restricted park use to citizens until they have collected enough sap from the park trees. Collected sap will then be processed in a sugar shack somewhere within City Hall with finished bottles of syrup being sold back to Ottawa residents. "We think this is a fun and tasty way for Ottawa residents to help out with city costs." explained Mayor Watson who spearheaded the syrup campaign dubbed as "Maple Daze". The syrup event will run from March.20-April 15 with a special panacake breakfast at City Hall using the collected city syrup on Marc. 24.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Big Box Mall Welcomes New "MileKelTana's" Restaurant To The Parking Lot

Kanata - A RioCan Big Box Mall on Eagleson Road recently welcomed Cara Foods Ltd. as they opened a new big box mall restaurant combining elements of their successful "Milestones", "Kelsey's" and "Montana's" restaurants under one roof called "MileKelTana's". The new super restaurant opened last Sunday in a corner of the parking lot next to the Best Buy and Home Sense stores with free Xtreme Munchie platters for the first 50 customers. Cara Foods Ltd. is responsible for bringing the culinary delights of fast fried, processed foods to millions of hungry suburban customers across the country and felt the time was right to open a new restaurant that combines all the elements of their popular restaurants in one location. "We really wanted to make it easy for customers to enjoy their favourite Cara Food items in one spot rather than travel from restaurant to restaurant." explained Cara Foods President Lance Vickers. "With MileKeltana's you can now enjoy a martini from Milestones, a deep fried cheese stick from Kelsey's and a processed rib platter from Montana's all in one spot." Vickers remarked.

The RioCan Mall on Eagleson Road near the new Mattamy suburban family community of "Deerwind Trails" was Vickers first choice for the new MileKeltana's location due to its concentration of bored, hungry suburban families in need of a place to drag their screaming children and dissolve their troubles away in colourful martinis and deep fried processed foods. "After a hard day of working in an office environment, commuting home on a gridlocked highway, shopping for a new end table at Home Sense, picking out a new BluRay disc at Best Buy, you want a place to relax and unwind, so that's why we opened our Milekeltana's." says Vickers who is confident the new restaurant will appeal to all members of the Kanata Deerwind Trails community. "We offer something for everyone here at MileKeltana's, from pink martini's to get desperate suburban moms hammered on a girl's night out, to a platter of indistinguishable fried foods for the football team, to chicken nuggets in the shapes of Disney characters for the kids." replied Vickers.

Located beside the bustling Best Buy and Home Sense stores in a delightful corner of the mall parking lot, patrons will enjoy a wonderful view of the polymer stucco wall of a new Winners store being built and enjoy the excitement of watching bulldozers demolish a forest of trees to make room for a new Walmart. MileKeltana's also offers group discounts for those wishing to book a family event or cost controlled office party.