Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Normal Guy Spotted Walking Around Westboro

Westboro - Eyewitness reports of a normal, non-sporty male wearing a regular button- up plaid shirt and khaki pants have been recorded early Wednesday morning after two joggers spotted the unusual creature on their way to yoga class. The rare sighting of a normally dressed, slow moving male with no visible signs of active living, has many residents in the area concerned and demanding city bylaw officers hunt down and remove the creature from the upscale neighbourhood. “We pride ourselves on making sure everyone here is wearing the appropriate trendy, spandex or active living apparel, so this oddity needs to be removed immediately.” says Linda Glonderfield, President of the Westboro Active Standards Practice, or WASP for short. “This sighting brings to light the need for better enforcement of keeping outsiders from entering our neighbourhood who are not prepared to be active and fit.” Glonderfield remarked.

Witnesses spotted the normal male figure near Britton’s Magazine Shop where he was seen purchasing an issue of Popular Mechanics and a bag of chips. Suspicion was aroused since most males in the neighbourhood only purchase Men’s Health, Forbes, Yoga Monthly or The New Yorker. The slow moving, loafer wearing male figure was then seen bypassing the Bridgehead coffee shop, which was also unusual, and then entered a green 1998 Dodge Stratus parked in front of the Newport Restaurant. The male creature then drove east on Richmond Road listening to CHEZ 106.

Glebe Road Construction Unearths 40 Year Old Hippie Van With Occupants Still Inside

The Glebe - Construction crews were startled to discover a 40 year old hippie van buried beneath the surface of Bank Street as road work began in the Glebe this morning. Even more startling was the fact that the occupants of the vehicle were alive and well inside the van, apparently surviving on LSD, red wine and an assortment of flaxseed muffins.

At approximately 9:25am, a backhoe from GreenBelt Construction began to dig into the surface of Bank Street near the corner of Fifth avenue when the shovel hit a large metallic object. Construction crews then carefully unearthed a brightly coloured 1967 Volkswagen Van, bringing it to the surface for closer inspection. As the van was placed on the surface of Bank Street, two occupants emerged in tie-dye outfits and dishevelled hair. First to witness the hippies emerge from their vehicle was Ned Gillframp, who was shocked to see someone emerge from the van after being buried for 40 years. "The door creaked open, and these two hippies came out, giggling and asking us if we had any hemp tea." Gillframp explained. The two occupants, identified as Gloria Wasplinter, 67, and Jim Keely, 64, both former residents of the Glebe, apparently fell into a sinkhole on Bank Street in 1969, with road crews paving over the hole, trapping the van underneath. "We just hung out and chillaxed with some good acid, baked muffins, sang songs, and before you know it, we were dug up today." Keely remarked before heading to the Wild Oat Cafe for a Bean Sprout Gluten free sandwich.

The occupants are delighted to be back on the surface of the Glebe and are surprised to notice that not much has changed since they fell into the hole 40 years ago. "We can still get some great organic groceries, Birkenstock sandals, tie dye clothes, and hand woven hemp accessories." Wasplinter commented. "Even the place where I can buy old, used books at exorbitant prices is still here."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

New Westboro Store Opens For Inactive Residents

Westboro- A new business opened its doors for the first time this weekend catering to the many inactive Westboro residents who have felt ignored in the past. Contrary to the flurry of active living lifestyle stores that continue to flourish in the neighbourhood, “Lethargic Equipment Co-Op” will offer sloth-like residents the chance to purchase equipment and accessories that will assist in fulfilling their sluggish, sedentary lifestyle.

General Manager of LEC, Gary Lubner, is excited to offer inactive Westboro residents the chance to purchase a variety of products such as reclining chairs, big screen televisions, video games, new release videos and the area’s largest selection of remote controls. “We felt that there was a gap in this market that needed to be filled.” explained Lubner. “With all these healthy, active living shops in the neighbourhood, many lazy, slovenly residents were being left out.” In addition to the many inactive lifestyle products, LEC will also offer customers a wide range of food and beverage items that include, soda, chips, pizza, and a vast selection microwaveable foods. “We don’t have anything organic, fair trade, or healthy here.” Lubner remarked. “If someone wants a double mocha latte or flaxseed muffin, they can go down the street.”

Lethargic Equipment Co-Op is located in the heart of Westboro village at 1101 Richmond Road, and is open 1pm to 1am for those that like to sleep in and stay up late doing nothing.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Girl Finally Marries Her Cell Phone

Ottawa - After a compassionate two year love affair, Melissa Bauman, 24, officially married her long time cell phone, a wonderful iPhone 3G. In an emotional ceremony at St. Peter’s Basilica in Centretown, Bauman wed her trusted and beloved cell phone with a traditional Catholic ceremony that was attended by over 200 guests.

A long time companion of Melissa’s, the iPhone 3G has never left her side after two years, and was frequently seen with her everywhere, providing solace, comfort and companionship that was lovingly celebrated as they exchanged wedding vows through a special app and live Twitter feed. As Father Charlie presided over the ceremony, the iPhone slipped a gorgeous ring tone to Melissa saying he loved her, and then Melissa kissed the screen of the iPhone.

Guests then retreated to Sallo San Marco on Preston Street for a lively reception where family and friends celebrated the fact Melissa has always been in love with her mobile phone device, and always chose it over other potential suitors. The father of the bride then made a moving speech about how the iPhone is “now part of the family” and how he “looks forward to spending time with the phone and learning about its many apps.” The newly wed couple plan to honeymoon in Cancun and anticipate raising a new family on the Sims app.

Area Students Excitedly Prepare For School Proms So They Can Remember It As Best Day Of Their Lives When They Are 40, Fat/Bald And Unhappy

Ottawa - Scores of students across the city are busy preparing for their high school proms as the season of the prom rapidly approaches. Hundreds of athletic, popular and cool kids are abuzz with excitement as they prepare to make prom night the single most memorable night of their lives. In anticipation of the future when they will most likely be overweight, bald, and employed in either the retail or hospitality industry making minimum wage, preparations are in full swing with no expense spared. Already forecasting a dismal, bleak existence with unwanted kids and a marriage to someone they hate, many high school cool kids are feverishly preparing for the prom so they can reflect back on it with fondness when they are in their depressing later years. “I really want to make sure I will remember this senior prom with my friends as part of my glory days.” commented Grade 12 Notre Dame student Kyle Nullman who is the star quarter back of the Notre Dame Knights football team. “I know when I am 40, fat, bald and working at Walmart, I can always look back at my high school prom and feel good I once had it all.” Nullman replied before heading out to pick up his rented tuxedo and to book a limo.

High school girls are also preparing for the big night by calling each other on cell phones 400 times a day to discuss the prom and what they will be wearing. “Like, I mean, if I go with Josh, who is totally, like hot, then I’m probably gonna get my mom to, like, take me to Richard Robinson.” Grade 11 Glebe Collegiate student Tasha Brumen remarked from her BMW in the school parking lot. “When I, like, get all married and stuff, and have kids and marry some rich dude, I want to remember this as the happy time in my life.” Brumen explained.

As the area cool kids prepare for the many area proms, non-cool kids are also busy preparing and plotting how to become future billionaires and later have the cool kids serve them at a restaurant, or service their Maserati. “I just programmed an app I just sold to Microsoft that should secure some serious investments for me to buy this high school and turn them into condos before I graduate.” remarked Grade 10 Nepean High student Lu Chung.

Petro-Canada Launches New Signage At Pumps

Ottawa - Petro-Canada gas stations across the Ottawa region have recently unveiled new signage ontheir pumpstoday inreaction to the rising fuel costs. The new signs inform customers that the company will now beacceptingcertified healthy human organs and dental gold as payment for fuel charges at over 67 locations across the city. With gas prices continuing to rise, Petro-Canada responded by offering a variety of new payment options available to cost-shocked gas consumers. All healthy, medically sound organs will be surgically removed on the spot at gas stations if that method of payment is chosen, as well as the removal of any dental work gold.

Petro-Canada is also making plans to expand the number of digits on their station signs to accommodate a fifth decimal place in anticipation of fuel prices reaching the $10.00/L mark.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mayor Watson Withdraws Whitton's Name From New Library, Now Neutral "Doug Smith Library"

Ottawa - After the controversial decision was made last week to name the new Ottawa Library and Archives building after the city's first female mayor, Charlotte Whitton, Mayor Jim Watson withdrew the proposal. After facing increasing debate over the naming issue due to Whitton's somewhat colourful and debated past, the new library and city archives, at the corner of Woodroffe Avenue and Tallwood Drive, will be named after an innocuous and very harmless civil servant, Doug Smith, who was informed of the re-naming this morning in a phone call from Mayor Watson. A neutral, quiet and inoffensive personality who works as a filing clerk at Statistics Canada, Doug Smith, 46, was surprised at the re-naming using his title, and is honoured to be a part of Ottawa's history. "When I get up at 5am to come to work on time everyday, do a good job filing, and then go home to work on my HO Scale train sets, I never really think a building could be named after me." a reserved Smith responded after being asked how he felt about the sudden honour. "Jim Watson called me up at my cubicle and said I was the most perfect, neutral, harmless person to name the new library." Smith replied as he ate his bologna on white bread sandwich at his desk.

Public outcry from the Jewish community in Ottawa over Whitton’s efforts to deny Jewish refugee children entry into Canada during the Second World War was a deciding factor for Watson to withdraw the proposal naming the library after her, and proclaimed it was creating “disunity in parts of the city, and as mayor, I felt it my obligation not to allow the matter to continue”. In a letter to councillors Watson explained, "Instead, we will name the new library after Doug Smith, a very neutral man, who is safe, inoffensive and basically the most boring, nondescript, impartial, lacklustre, bland person we could find who will offend no one in the city."

Other rejected names for the new library included the Joseph Goebbels Research Institute, Pol Pot Public Library, and the Himmler Archival Building. The new Doug Smith Library and Archives building will open next month with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Watson and various city dignitaries along with Doug Smith and cost effectively sponsored by Tim Horton's.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tulips Torched Because They Are Too Much Damn Work

Ottawa - The annual Tulip Festival will look less colourful this year after the it was decided the flowers were too much work to maintain. Scheduled to open this weekend, the Tulip Festival has been adjusted with all the tulips being burned. Utilizing a controlled burn procedure in the various tulip gardens throughout the city, all that remains of the much anticipated blossoming tulips are some charred embers and a couple of squirrel eaten bulbs.

“The tulips were just too much damn work.” commented Tulip Director Simon Belanger who ordered the troublesome flowers torched Tuesday morning. “Those little bastards were demanding too much time and money just so they can look good for a bunch of tourists.” Belanger remarked from behind his Burn Operations Station desk near Dow’s Lake. “Once we get these weeds napalmed and completely cleared out, we can focus our efforts on more important festivals such as Ribfest and the Writers Festival.”

Using flame throwers and napalm bomb drops, all tulip gardens should be leveled and burned by Wednesday afternoon with no trace of the bothersome flowers remaining. Residents of the tulip garden areas of Dow’s Lake, the Arboretum, Major Hill Park and various canal greenspaces should remain indoors while the the tulips are being incinerated.