Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Safety Concerns Arise As Concrete Balloons Take To The Skies Over Gatineau

Gatineau - The 24th Annual Gatineau Hot-Air Balloon festival that opens this weekend is in hot water after it was announced concrete hot air balloons will take to the skies during this year's festivities. Safety concerns have been raised after recent Quebec concrete mishaps on roadways and bridges, leading organizers to re-consider having the Quebec Concrete Balloons participate in the 3 day festival in Gatineau.

Festival organizer, Gilles Guimond is confident the concrete balloons are safe enough to hover overhead of the thousands of spectators who attend the annual event. "The balloons there, are safe, the concrete has been inspected and no visible signs of cracking or deteriorating were found." Guimond remarked. 'These concrete balloons should be just as safe as the cloth ones, and are even non-flammable." explained Guimond, who has been overseeing the festival for the last 15 years. "Quebec concrete has gotten some bad press lately, but I am confident these concrete balloons will remain aloft during their performance over the heads of 10,000 people."

Recent failed concrete in Quebec has been responsible for considerable damage to persons and property, and has some people upset they are now putting concrete balloons into the Gatineau skies. "I am just imagining one breaking apart in the sky, it would be so tragic." a concerned citizen Margot Chase replied when asked about the concrete balloons. "Let's just hope these heavier-than-air devices are carefully inspected before taking to the skies." Chase remarked.

For the last 24 years, the Gatineau Hot Air Balloon festival has hosted hundreds of balloons at their festival and hopes the new concrete balloons will draw even more crowds this year. "The large propane tanks blasting large flames to heat the concrete shells should be quite a spectacle." Guimond replied. "We hope the concrete balloons return next year as well."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Picnic Forces Family Members To Pretend To Like Each Other For 3 Hours

Ottawa- Andrew Haydon Park on the shores of the picturesque Ottawa River was the backdrop this past Sunday for the annual Carruthers Family Picnic. Bringing together upwards of 20 members of the Carruthers family to one location for more than 20 minutes forced individuals to pretend they actually cared about fellow family members while they ate undercooked M&M Meatshop burgers and dry, home-made coleslaw.

"I made sure to bring lots of beer in the cooler to get through this ordeal." lamented Tim Carruthers, second cousin to Beatrice Carruthers, who organized the family event again this year. "I knew I'd be trapped listening to various family members talking about their assorted medical ailments so I wanted to make sure I had enough alcohol on hand to endure it." Tim explained. "Last year I ended up examining Aunt Gladys' neck goiter."

Only ever having to mingle and converse with each other at funerals and Christmas parties, the Carruthers made a successful attempt to engage one another in pleasant conversation without breaking down into the usual arguing and name-calling. Delicious picnic food items brought to the potluck event also helped ease any tension. There was only one reported instance of an altercation when Uncle Hank asked Cousin Gary if he ever planned on getting a girlfriend with Uncle Hank expressing his thoughts that Gary might be gay. After a brief verbal altercation and an intervention from Grandma Lori, the situation was successfully diffused.

After three hours of forced pleasantries and 28 bottles of home made wine being consumed, the picnic quickly wrapped up with family members all insincerely saying "They should do this more often" and "It's been too long" before quickly retreating to their vehicles and hastily leaving the park.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Jaunty Mr. Peanut Detained By Police After Showing Up At Back To School Sale

Ottawa - In a bizarre incident, the jovial and monocle bespectacled Mr. Peanut was apprehended by a City Of Ottawa Tactical Police Squad at a local Staples store early Wednesday morning. Appearing to be purchasing some three-ring binders that were on sale, Mr. Peanut was forced to the ground and handcuffed before being transported to a waiting police van.

Some concerned parents called 911 after fearing he may kill scores of school children who were shopping for back-to-school bargains in the same store. "My Kesha-Sandra was within ten feet of him, and I haven't had her allergy test results back yet, so I thought it best to call the police." a concerned parent remarked as the SWAT team questioned Mr. Peanut. Another parent, Leslie Ruthbert, who was getting some school supplies with her son, Jaiden, 8, expressed concern Mr. Peanut should not be allowed in public. "Jaiden could have been killed today!" Ruthbert screamed. "The school board is enforcing strict no-peanut butter sandwiches in the schools, and yet this menace is allowed to freely wander the streets?!" a rattled Ruthbert commented.

Known for his usually easy-going nature promoting delicious salty nut snacks, Mr. Peanut was obviously shaken by the police take down in Staples and is seeking psychological aid after being constantly banished from most public spaces. "Right now we are questioning him and finding out why he would wander into a store that had so many peanut-allergic children in it." Police Chief Vern White explained. "Mr. Peanut is telling us he just wanted to get some discounted three-ring binders and had no idea he was such a threat to children, but we'll detain him for further questioning." White replied.

After a colourful career as a wealthy snack magnate in the 1920's and 1930's Mr. Peanut refuses to give up his playboy lifestyle and continues to wear spats, a top hat and monocle. Close friend and fellow aristocrat, Monopoly Man was seen visiting Mr. Peanut at the Ottawa Police Station where Peanut will be released later in the day.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kanata Family Praise Giant SUV After Encountering Some Uneven Pavement And Gravel Road Construction

Kanata - The Kiley family is thanking their over-sized Lincoln Mastodon SUV after encountering some unexpected road construction on their way back from Montana's Grill in the Centrum Mall Monday evening.

The family of four, who have lived in the suburb of Kanata since 2009, were taken by surprise by some unforeseen road construction on Terry Fox Drive which resulted in the substantially large SUV having to navigate some treacherous road conditions. Dust, gravel, potholes and an uneven section of the pavement were all experienced by the vehicle, which traversed the adverse conditions with ease, although the driver of the vehicle, 34 year old Tammy Kiley was treated for shock after the encounter. “I had no idea why the pavement just ended like that and turned into gravel with potholes.” Kiley explained. “All I could do was grip the Corinthian stitched leather wrapped steering wheel even harder and hope the Traction Control system kicked in.” a traumatized Kiley recounted. “You just hope the car can make it through the terrain and that the family would be safe.”

Uncommon for a SUV to experience such adverse conditions in the suburbs of Ottawa, the Kileys are thankful they choose the All-Wheel-Drive and Tru-Trac suspension options when they bought their Lincoln Mastodon last year, “I wanted it fully loaded in case something like this were to happen.” remarked Duncan Kiley, Tammy's husband who was in the passenger seat during the ordeal. “The SUV has only seen smooth pavement from our house to Innovatech Systems, so we were all scared of what was going to happen. You just hope the vehicle can handle it.” Duncan Kiley, 45, remarked. “I had a couple of Mega Margaritas at Montana’s so Tammy drove home. I remember thinking that I was grateful that we got the SUV so we would all be safe.”

Weighing over 4 tonnes with seating for 10, the Mastodon is the largest in Lincoln’s fleet of SUV’s, and claims it was designed for the rough, and sometimes dangerous world of suburban driving. “We wanted our vehicle to remain a safe haven for our drivers so they have peace of mind encountering situations like the one the Kiley’s experienced.” Director of Lincoln Canada Customer Relations Herb Dangard replied. “We design and test our SUVs for these kind of conditions.” explained Dangard. Boasting a 498 HP V-10 engine with 3000 cubic feet of cargo space, the Mastodon is fast becoming the vehicle of choice for suburban families who require the safety and confidence of handling treacherous road construction, while at the same time, accommodating large items from Home Sense and Best Buy. The Mastodon is also able to transport an entire PeeWee soccer team and comes equipped with cappuccino machine and built-in 46" LED screen entertainment system.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Bridgehead Plans New Location In Westboro Manhole

Westboro - The well-known and popular coffee shop chain "Bridgehead" began construction yesterday on their 235th location in the west end of Ottawa down a manhole located on Richmond Road across from the existing location beside LuluLemon. The new underground Bridgehead location will service those customers who are in need of fair-trade coffee as they cross the street and can not wait until they get to the other side where a Bridgehead location already exists. "We want our valued customers to have mid-street access to our delicious blends of fair trade coffees without having to walk completely across the street." explained Bridgehead owner and CEO Carm Newbeam, who was on site to inspect the underground construction of his latest gourmet coffee outlet. "We will be offering our delectable array of warm and cold beverages, as well as tasty foods at this latest manhole location as of October 2011." Newbeam remarked, who believes the underground location will see a lot of traffic once it opens. "We are tapping into a whole new sub-terranean market." replied Newbeam, who opened his first Bridgehead location on Bank Street in 1997.

Westboro BIA President Debra Channing thinks the new manhole Bridgehead is "innovative" and "space-saving" and looks forward to grabbing her morning coffee from the depths of the roadway. However, the manhole location has some residents worried the typical long line-ups may create a dangerous situation for motorists trying to avoid customers entering and exiting the underground Bridgehead. "I hope they have a light or something marking it at night." Westboro resident Gaylea Jones remarked.

Bridgehead is expected to complete construction on their manhole location this fall, with plans for a floating river location to begin construction in 2012 to service the many Westboro kayakers who frequent the waters in front of Westboro beach.

Two "Flash Mob" Groups Injured in Coincidental, Spontaneous Dance Mix Up

Ottawa - Two groups of "flash mobs" suffered multiple injuries earlier today after the two groups coincidentally and spontaneously broke into ridiculous dancing in the Byward Market. The two groups apparently broke into choreographed dance moves at the same time which took each group by surprise, with many dancers suffering elbows to the faces, kicks to the groin, and finger pointing into eye sockets. Combining two large groups of "flash mobs" who were unaware of each others intentions led to the disastrous dancing outbreak, sending 7 people to hospital with multiple, but non-life threatening injuries.

"The two groups assembled together unbeknownst they accidentally had planned the dancing outburst at the same time, in the same place." explained paramedic-on-the-scene Dale Kirkland, who treated one dancer with a lacerated eyelid. "This one dancer accidentally got jazz hands right in their face." remarked Kirkland who was first on the chaotic and devastating flash mob-gone-wrong.

Ottawa Police were called to the scene to question the dancers and came to the conclusion the incident was caused by coincidentally poor timing, and no charges will be laid. The City Of Ottawa has said they will be cracking down harder on the trend of surprise flash mobbing, even though most flash mobs announce their supposedly secret dancing outburst ahead of time through social media anyway.

In the Middle East, flash mobs have been banned and made illegal after a botched flash mob was thought to be a Taliban terrorist suicide-bomb act with all participants being killed by unknowing security personnel. In Italy, another flash mob went horribly wrong when dancers unknowingly broke out into seemingly disrespectful dancing in front of a funeral for a well-known Mafia member, resulting in the deaths of 4 dancers.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Hintonburg Resident Gentrifies Self

Hintonburg - Long-time Hintonburg resident Fred Silvers recently gentrified himself in an attempt to keep up with his swiftly changing neighbourhood. Once homeless and on the streets of Hintonburg, Silvers had been in trouble with the police on numerous occasions. After his 19th arrest, Silvers made a conscious decision to “gentrify” himself in much the same manner as his beloved neighbourhood, which included grooming himself and shaving off his spray-paint covered beard.

After Silvers saw his favourite pawn shop turned into a gourmet wood-burning pizza bistro earlier this year, Silvers decided it was time to make a change in his own life. “I saw the Dawn of Pawn turn into a trendy new pizza joint, and thought maybe I should clean up myself too.” Silvers reminisces. “I knew it was time to join the neighbourhood in getting a hipper, more vibrant appearance and become something.” remarked Silvers, now 29 and dating a four foot Asian girl named Esther.

Once Silvers took the initial first steps in changing his outward appearance, he knew he also had to find a market for himself. “I wanted to start a business where I knew I could make a living and also enjoy myself.” explains Silvers, who started up his hipster line of apparel called “UrbanHobo” which specializes in creating unique apparel items for young, trend-setting, urban twenty-somethings. Items Silvers developed include over-sized, plastic rimmed glasses, Rubik’s Cube themed accessories, and Afghani style urban neck scarves. UrbanHobo now supplies all major urban centres with his unique brand of hipster wear that has made himself a vast fortune and also listed him in the Fortune 500 list of companies for 2011.

Now residing in a Westboro penthouse loft condo, Silvers hopes to inspire others who may be thinking of gentrifying themselves into something new and trendy. Taking examples from the vast changes happening in the once sketchy and rough parts of the city that are now being turned into appealing, boutique and bistro ridden pockets of urban renewal, Silvers explains his transition. “Two years ago I was huffing on Giant Tiger shopping bags of metallic spray paint, now I’m trying to decide what metallic paint I want for my BMW.” Silvers credits his success on gentrification, a word he describes as “taking something that’s in a state of decay, and branding it as hip and trendy.”

Fred Silvers will be launching his latest UrbanHobo accessories at “Scruffy Beard” a new clothing and accessories store opening in the old Scott’s Chicken Villa Kentucky Fried Chicken on Wellington Street this September.

Monday, August 8, 2011

SuperEx Finds New Home In Trendy Westboro

Westboro- After a century of the Central Canada Exhibition being held at Lansdowne Park in the Glebe, the annual fair more commonly known as "SuperEx" has found a new home in the heart of Westboro. SuperEx was welcomed with open arms by the Westboro BIA after making a press announcement earlier today. The 122 year old fair that has controversially been moved out of the Glebe after Lansdowne development plans were made this year, is looking forward to its new home in the trendy, family oriented neighbourhood of Westboro.

The new site is out of the downtown core, but will hopefully offer Ottawa residents a chance to enjoy a fair-like atmosphere once again. "It's really an end-of-summer rite of passage for many Ottawa citizens, so I'm happy we are keeping that element alive." remarked SuperEx president Cole Chapman. "Westboro is a vibrant community that is sure to keep the magic of SuperEx alive." Chapman explained.

The move comes with some alterations however, changes that some people see as a withdrawal of the carnival atmosphere, and have some SuperEx loyalists worried. Changes include a removal of all noisy and potentially scary rides, and a strict shut down of operations at 7pm when most Westboro residents retire for the evening. Also, due to safety concerns of the many parents, midway rides will only consist of a "Yogic Flyer" ride sponsored by LuLuLemon in which participants sit on rotating foam yoga mats and chant to soothing music, and a twirling teacup ride sponsored by David's Tea and Bridgehead, where supervised children don safety helmets and ride at a slow speeds in over-sized foam tea and latte cups.

Westboro BIA president Sheila Newman is excited about the SuperEx moving in and hopes it will be as popular this year as in previous years. "We are making sure it is a safe, co-operative and learning environment, but also fun." Newman explains. Other changes to the new fair which is being dubbed "HarmonyEx" include removing all deep fried and candy foods, which will be replaced by organic, healthy alternative foods but adhering to a "no nut" policy due to child allergy concerns, a removal of musical rock acts, being replaced by quieter, contemporary folk music, and a removal of any games of chance such as ring tosses, that will be replaced by French Immersion learning games in which all participants are winners. New additions to the fair include diaper changing competitions, baby stroller races and a jogging, biking, kayaking triathlon challenge sponsored by Mountain Equipment Co-Op.

The HarmonyEx in Westboro begins August 15 and runs until September 2. Opening musical act "James Taylor" will take the stage August 15 with "Gregorian Chanters" closing the Ex September 2.