Monday, February 27, 2012

90 Year Old Bellhop Returned To Chateau Laurier After Being Stolen In 1937

Ottawa - A recent request by the historic Fairmont Chateau Laurier for past guests to return items that may have been lifted from the hotel during its 100 years of operation have produced some interesting results as noted by Hotel Manager Judy Deroches. With the 100 year anniversary of the Chateau Laurier approaching this April, Deroches put out a public request for items that were "borrowed" from the hotel during the last 100 years so the hotel can comprise a display of artifacts showcasing the varied history of the hotel. Of particular interest was the return of 90 year old Chester "Chetty" Gorman who was returned to the hotel earlier this week in fair to good condition. Along with the myriad of cutlery, menus, key fobs and other ephemera, Chetty was returned to the hotel in good spirits and looks forward to returning to work at the hotel as a bellhop for the centennial celebrations.

Chester Gorman, or "Chetty" as he was called back in 1937, was stolen from the Chateau Laurier by a gang of rambunctious freshman from the University of Ottawa's Polo Team during an awards ceremony at the hotel in June of 1937. Chetty remembers having a sack being pulled over his head and being taken to a remote location near Merrickville where he remained until this week when he was anonymously returned to the hotel during their "amnesty on stolen goods". Chetty hopes to return to work as a bellhop at the historical hotel this summer when the hotel celebrates its 100 years of operation.

When Chetty was tossed out of a moving minivan onto the front step of the hotel earlier this week, he was relieved to be back at his old place of employment, and expressed gratitude towards his return. "All these years of living in a barn, I never thought I'd have the chance to carry bags again." Chetty remarked before being processed with other returned memorabilia for the 100 year anniversary. In good health, Chetty was greeted by hotel manager Deroches where he will be catalogued and put on display with the other items recently returned to the hotel. "We are elated to have Chetty back with us, and he will be an integral part of our nostalgic display in June when we celebrate the 100 year anniversary of the hotel." remarked Deroches.

Patrons of the Chateau are asked to come forward with any other items that may have come into their possession from the hotel from its opening in 1912 and contribute to the display which will be open to the public in June.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Little Italy Launches New "Pay & Pasta" Parking Meters

Little Italy - The vibrant Italian neighbourhood that stretches along Preston Street from Carling to Somerset recently had new "Pay & Pasta" parking meters installed to help draw visitors to the area. A well known location for Italian cuisine, the City Of Ottawa in association with the Preston Street BIA, developed the concept of dispensing pasta last spring as a way to help boost enjoyment for paid parking.

The new machines operate much like a normal Pay & Display parking machine would, except it dispenses delicious, fresh Italian style pasta in addition to your parking display slip. The added pasta feature not only makes parking in Little Italy a more rewarding exerience, but also gives visitors a chance to savour a taste of the neighbourhood. "I really enjoyed getting fresh fettucini pasta dispensed along with my parking slip." explained Preston Street visitor Gail Herman, who often frequents the variety of Italian shops in the area. "This way I can park and have a treat to take home for dinner." praised Herman.

Even though the new Pay & Pasta machines are receiving high praise from many, there are a few parking visitors who are complaining the machines do not dispense gluten-free pasta, such as Norm Little, who traveled from Westboro to park on Preston Street. "I think they have to address the growing need for gluten-free drivers who park here." Little remarked. "We pay the same price to park but can't enjoy the type of pasta these new machines dispense." said Little.

New pasta types will be introduced each month, with March slated for spaghetti, and April lasagna pasta. Mayor Jim Watson unveiled the first machine to be installed on Preston Street yesterday and called the Pay & Pasta machines a great way to literally enjoy the flavour of the neighbourhood. "It's great that your money not only gets you parking in one of the finest cities in Canada, but also fresh delicious pasta in a variety of shapes." Watson exclaimed during the unveiling.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Local Band Plays Actual Piece Of Shit On Stage

Ottawa - The Mapledale Tavern recently played host to local indie rock band "Blood Toilet" who took to the stage to play an actual piece of fecal matter. Band member Kyle Grayson, 27, fashioned a solidified piece of feces into a musical instrument that he played on stage. "I think folks are really gonna dig this new piece of shit we are going to play tonight." remarked Grayson who created the band Blood Toilet with some friends from college in 2009. Blood Toilet has played a repertoire of classic indie grunge/thrash rock where their goal is to make every song sound exactly the same while making people cover their ears in pain at the excruciating noise they create. Grayson hopes the new piece of shit they will play will bring a new level of enjoyment to those that attend their shows. Utilizing a rare piece of feces from an African elephant that Grayson had solidified with epoxy resin, the feces was then transformed into an electrical musical instrument similar to a guitar but is pounded and strummed to create a thumping sound.

After patrons were forced to pay an $18 cover charge to enter the Mapledale Tavern, they were then forced to pay $9.00 a beer while listening to the piece of shit being played. Seated in musty smelling, poorly lit surroundings, patrons did not look shocked to see the piece of shit being played before them until the sound was turned up to maximum levels. The Mapledale Tavern, frequented by a large number of hipster youths who normally seem to care more about the fact they are actually in the Mapledale than who the band is, seemed to express excitement over the fecal matter being played on stage and look forward to Blood Toilet's next album which is due out April 1st.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Canada Unveils New "Away" Flag On National Flag Day

Ottawa - In celebration of National Flag Day across the country, Heritage Canada unveiled Canada's new "away" flag at a ceremony earlier this morning. Heritage Minister Alan Crosby was in attendance to introduce the new flag that will be used by Canadians while abroad and on the road.

The new away flag was introduced to help commemorate the Canadian flag that was first inaugurated on February 15, 1965 and to honour the country's rich hockey heritage. Heritage Minister Alan Crosby hailed the new flag as "a great way to promote Canada and hockey while on the road or in another country."

Using the familiar red and white colours, the flag reverses the typical flag colour scheme to a red background with a white leaf and pales on either end in the same manner a hockey team uses white while playing away from home ice.

Crosby announced the new flag with Heritage spokesperson Wendy DeLenne who helped unveil the away flag to the waiting press and media. "We hope to have the first production run of new away flags by as early as next month so we can get them hoisted and promote our country in this new, and exciting manner." DeLenne exclaimed.

The public will have a chance to purchase the new away flag in a variety of sizes online through the Heritage Canada website, or at your local Canadian Tire Store next month.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Chinese Translation Error Ruins Valentine's Day For Millions

Ottawa - A translation error at Pyuang Chocotreats has left millions trying to cope with a ruined Valentine's Day after chocolates made by the Chinese manufacturer wreaked havoc across the nation. With many consumers rushing at the last minute to buy something for their sweetheart on Valentine's Day, many did not notice the labelling error on the heart shaped box of chocolates. A translation error at the company resulted in the words "I Love You" being incorrectly translated and printed onto the box as "I Loathe You", leading many couples to suffer break-ups and consequential disaster.

Pyuang Chocotreats President Kwon Lin Sung addressed the error this morning after complaints from angry customers began to pour in over Valentine's Day. He expressed "sincere apologies" for the mix-up, and blames his translator at the company for the dramatic manufacturing error. The translator responsible was immediately fired by firing squad.

Millions of angry customers are demanding refunds and legal retribution after thousands of couples suffered unintended breaks-ups and even divorces in some cases. "I gave my wife a box of what I thought were nice chocolates, but being rushed at the last minute, I really didn't have time to check the writing on it...I guess you just trust it would be ok." remarked Hal Johnson, 43, whose wife reuses to speak to him after he gave her the ill-fated box of chocolates.

Over 2 million boxes of the wrongly translated Valentine's chocolates have been distributed and are currently under recall to prevent further disaster. Pyunag Chocotreats is offering a full refund to customers who recently purchased the "I Loathe You" box.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Trendy New Restaurant Delivers Receipt In Whimsical Used Crackpipes, Syringes

Ottawa - A new gastrobistro in the heart of the gentrified Hintonburg neighbourhood is giving customers their receipt in a whimsical manner using old crackpipes and used syringes. With most trendy restaurants trying to out-do one another with quirky ways of handing a customer their receipt, "CRAKHAUS" in Hintonburg has gone one step further with the use of discarded syringes and crackpipes found in a trash can behind the restaurant during renovations.

Crakhaus owner Hume Plantry has overseen each detail of his new restaurant and wanted to offer his customers an offbeat dining experience that would challenge the conventional methods of giving out receipts to clients. "The whole CD case, old book thing has been done already, so I wanted to take the receipt transfer a whole new dimension by giving it to the customer in a genuine used crackpipe or syringe that really honours the history of the restaurant building." explained Plantry who opened his restaurant last month.

Common with many new, hip, trendy restaurants, receipts are usually handed to a customer in an eccentric holder of some sort, but with competition increasingly becoming tougher, Plantry hopes to have an edge over his competitors by offering the syringe/crackpipe option. "We washed them first, but you really can get the feel for the old neighbourhood when we bring you your bill." Plantry remarked. Most customers were impressed with the whimsical receipt delivery and applauded Crakhaus' use of the old backyard items. "It's really neat," mentioned Crakhaus customer Tanya Hommel, 26, "it's exactly how I want my $200 bill for two entrees and a bottle of wine to arrive."

Some customers have complained about the receipt delivery items, especially when Plantry first decided to try giving customers a receipt in a used condom from the adjacent alley. "I thought it was especially whimsical to give clients their meal receipt in a used condom to really make them feel part of the neighbourhood, but the health Unit reminded me it was unsanitary." plus I had a lot of customer complaints." Plantry remarked.

Crakhaus hopes to continue being a leader in receipt quirkery, but just down the street at the new restaurant "Klasp", rumour has it they will be giving customers their receipt in the mouth of a live asp. "Hintonburg is on the cutting edge of culinary trends and they can change quickly." stated Plantry before washing out another syringe.

Friday, February 10, 2012

New Tween Stroller Allows Over-Protective Parents To Maintain Coddling Their Child

Ottawa - A new store in Wellington West Village opened recently that offers over-protective parents a chance to continue coddling their child well into the teenage years. The new store "SunShinesOutta" will carry a line of parenting accessories such as tween strollers, tween carriers and an assortment of safety equipment for their child such as play time knee pads and Play-Doh safety goggles.

The new store located in West Wellington Village hopes to attract a growing market of parents with "tweens" who are looking to maintain the same level of childcare they gave when their child was much younger. "Parents in this area have a hard time letting go of the fact their kids are growing up, so we hope to offer something that makes the transition easier, or non-existent." explained SunShinesOutta owner Gail Kilborn. "We provide a selection of items that allow the coddling parent to continue the level of over-protection for their children well into their teenage years." Kilborn remarked.

The best seller in the newly opened store has been the "Tween Stroller" made by Tweeny that allows a parent to still push around their 11-13 year old child in a restrained stroller. The Tweeny comes equipped with latte and Nalgene water bottle holders, a Tilley Hat rack, Sunscreen bottle holder, and an iPad docking station. Other items available include a tween chest carrier that maintains the physical bond between child/parent well into the child's teenage years. Both items are constructed from lightweight but reinforced aluminum to carry the heavier weight of the older child. "We have already sold out of the Tweeny stroller, but hope to get another shipment in next week." says Kilborn. SunShinesOutta is located at 1295 Wellington St. West in the heart of West Wellington Village.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ailing Grandmother Delighted To Receive Text-To-Voice Message From Grandchild

Almonte - A 92 year old grandmother from Almonte, ON was excited to receive a garbled, robotic, computer simulated voice message originating from her 11 year old grandchild who lives in Stittsville. Jane Denlop, 92, received the automatic message on her rotary home phone from her grandson, Tyler Curtis, who sent a text message from his iPhone while playing Xbox at a friend's house. Unable to receive text messaging because she doesn't own a cell phone, her home phone translated the text message in a special automatic text-to-voice recording that Denlop heard when she answered the call early Tuesday morning. "I just picked up the phone when it rang and a woman computer voice told me to to have a happy birthday and some other things that I couldn't quite understand, but maybe that was because my hearing aid was turned down." said Denlop, who is recovering from a mild stroke she suffered last month. "I was just delighted Tyler thought of me and sent such a lovely message since I haven't seen him in four months." Denlop also explained how she tried to respond to the computer voice, but because it was a recording, her response went unanswered.