Friday, July 30, 2010

Bluetooth Technology Now Allows Crazy People To Talk To Themselves

Ottawa Centre- Scores of crazy people across the city are enthusiastically embracing Bluetooth technology to talk to themselves without the scornful looks from passer-bys. Once frowned upon by the general public for being too intrusive, the new Bluetooth wireless ear pieces are making it possible for many delusional lunatics to rant and scream without the judging stares and complaints from onlookers.

"I bought this thing for twenty bucks at Radio Shack and now I can scream and rant as much as I want and no one gives me a second glance." exclaimed local crazy person Sid the Bib who can often be heard screaming into thin air along Somerset Street. "Now I can blend in with those fancy folks in suits who have the same things so we can all talk to ourselves together and no one cares."

As Bluetooth technology becomes more affordable, more and more people are opting to use the hands free communication device to speak on the phone, making it harder to define who is actually involved in a genuine conversation, and those using it to mask a seemingly nonsensical conversation.

"I use it all the time to keep in touch with the office but sometimes I just wear it so I can yell and scream for no reason" stated Transport Canada analyst Gary Hemfield. "Its's great for just venting some pent up steam from a day gone wrong" Hemfield noted.

Local crazy people are applauding the technology that now makes their random outbursts of insanity plausible, and hail the device that gives them the freedom to express themselves without repercussions. "Now when I yell about the stupid @#*%suckers who are stealing my secret rainbows I don't have anyone telling me to shut up."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Toddler Collapses Under Weight of Safety Gear

Wellington West - The soft laughter of little Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel-Benson-Campbell soon turned to screams of pain early Thursday afternoon after the 15 month old toddler collapsed under the weight of safety equipment that ironically was worn to protect her. Apparently after enjoying a controlled and monitored stroll in Hampton Park, Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel suddenly fell onto the soft grass of the park, writhing in pain. Shocked, her parent, Morwena Lagel-Benson-Campbell, quickly tried pulling the reigns of the safety harness to save her. The mother then tried in vain to pick up Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel whose slippery skin was covered in SPF 90 sunscreen, making it impossible for a grip to be attained. 911 was then called and paramedics were on the scene within minutes.

"This is not an uncommon response." stated paramedic-on-the-scene, Chris Haverton. "Just last week I got a call about a kid who had about three times his own body weight in gear on, and with the extreme summer heat, he fainted, but luckily the knee pads and PFD broke his fall." Haverton exclaimed. The recent trend in protecting children from the hazards of play time has lead to a spike in emergency responses to children collapsing under the weight of the safety gear that is supposed to be protecting them.

With today's play time becoming increasingly dangerous due to UV rays, uncut grass, rough gravel, dust, stray insects, puddles, pavement cracks and other menacing dangers, parents are taking preventative measures to ensure their child's safety.

Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel was ushered to CHEO but is expected to make a full recovery in time for her Tiny Tot yoga and massage this weekend.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Two Dead After Violent Biker Gang Fight

Hintonburg - Two are dead and 12 others injured after a violent weekend brawl between rival biker gangs in Ottawa's Hintonburg district. Ottawa Police are still investigating, but early reports are showing that a massive brawl broke out between rival biker gangs on Hinchey Ave. Sunday night after a "drag race" between the two factions.

Known to police as "The E-Street Band" and "The Rascals", these two well-known gangs have been known to clash before in the Hintonburg district of Ottawa. Often seen roving the streets on popular and eco-friendly electric e-bikes, the E-street Band has terrorized numerous citizens with their reckless driving habits, sometimes exceeding speeds of 10km/h. A somewhat tougher, more organized biker group, The Rascals comprises of about 25 overweight and senior citizen members that have been known to frequent neighbourhood sidewalks with their quiet but deadly machines.

Not requiring any licenses or insurance, both gangs use small electric vehicles that are quiet and ecological friendly. Sporting efficient batteries, the gangs like their stealthiness for purse snatching and assorted "getaway crimes".

The brawl that happened Sunday night pitted rival gangs against each other after an apparent drag race between members where one resident witnessed the incident and described it as "terrifying". A resident who did not want to be identified said after the race was over, some name calling and denture throwing began, which then escalated into a full out, demolition derby between the gangs. Two people were left dead, crushed by the high speed impacts, and others were left injured by electric shock from exposed batteries amongst the wreckage of electric scooters.

Police are still investigating and if anyone witnessed the event, they are asked to call their local community police detachment office.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Out Of Control Hogweed Robs Bank

Greely- The invasive Hogweed plant is continuing to cause problems in the Ottawa area when one took the bold move of robbing a local branch of TD Canada Trust Saturday afternoon. The dangerous weed plant stormed into the branch at the corner of Bank and Rideau Rd. at approximately 3:15pm. Demanding the teller hand over $2000 in cash, the plant threatened to "Give everyone a rash and maybe put sap in someone's eye" as reported by staff teller Kelly Langois who was confronted by the huge plant. "I was scared but remained calm. The thing was about 8 feet tall and had a raspy voice. I could tell it was out of control and desperate." Wielding its toxic leaves at the staff members, it grabbed a bag of undisclosed cash and ran out to a waiting car.

Police arrived on the scene moments after the incident took place and took chase by car but the Hogweed and one other suspect eluded capture as they raced away in a stolen 2009 Camaro.
"These plants are getting bolder and more dangerous. We've had reports of one being drunk and attacking a resident, but this robbery has shifted our observation of the plant to that of being extremely dangerous." stated Officer Morhan who responded to the bank's 911 call.
Later Saturday evening reports also came in a Hogweed was drunk and picking fights at a local pub but again left the scene when authorities arrived.

Residents who encounter the dangerous and toxic plant are urged not to make contact and call 911 immediately.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

New Condo Development Planned For Gap In Between Two Condos

Westboro- Trendy Westboro will be welcoming yet another hip condo development in the space that exists between two current condos along Richmond Rd. Hailed by known developer Domicile as "innovative" this 14 story building will boast "loft inspired living close to lattes, leisure and life".

Controversial for its planned space, the 200 square foot units will be offered for sale next month in a grand opening ceremony with prices starting in the low 200's.

"We saw potential in the alley between the two condos that exist already and knew there would be demand for such a location." stated Domicile head Reggie Leach. "Even though it's only 5 feet wide, we think we can offer a trendy, hip abode for today's active professional."

The condos planned completion will be March 2012 and bring the total number of Westboro condo developments to 178 along the popular stretch of Richmond Rd.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Bridgehead Opens New Location Inside Existing Location

Wellington St W.- Coffee drinkers were treated to the opening of a brand new Bridgehead location last Saturday when the popular West End coffee chain opened a new location right inside an existing location. Bridgehead, an Ottawa based coffee shop that has over 12 locations in the West End of Ottawa already, decided it "only made sense" to open a new location inside an existing location.

"We considered opening up a location across the street from an existing location, but it made more sense to open one inside a current location to give customers less of a walk and make the decision easier where to get that second coffee." exclaimed Bridgehead manager Beth Herkle.

Following the trend of rival coffee shop, StarBucks, that has been known to open new locations in close proximity to an existing location, Bridgehead hopes this bold move makes loyal coffee drinkers of their fair trade coffees "less travelled" to get that cup of coffee.

So far consumer response has been positive although somewhat perplexed. "I thought I was seeing double when I walked in the shop, but then I realized they opened a second location inside, which makes my walk to get a second cup a lot easier." states Ness Wayward. "Before I'd have to walk at least 400 metres to another location to get a second espresso, now that trek is a lot easier."

Plans are already underway to open another new location in Spring 2011 on top of the Wellington St. shop to bring the total to three shops in one place.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Random Hole Digging Begins

Ottawa- Construction crews began the annual ritual of digging random holes in streets across the neighbourhood today. Public Works Supervisor Hank Granger was baffled when asked what the digging was for, "We just get a work order from head office asking us to start digging holes in the streets at certain locations, but really don't know what we are digging for." Granger continued to express concern that his crews start the day excited to be digging, but after a few days grow tired and lose morale to continue the senseless digging. "Somedays I have five guys leaning on shovels just watching the back-hoe." City officials were asked to explain the random digging, which can snarl traffic for up to an hour on some streets, but refused comment. "Just be patient and enjoy watching the machinery and your tax dollars hard at work." exclaimed Mayor O'Brien.

Urban Attention Seeker Fails to Garner Attention With Recumbent Bicycle

West Wellington Village- Hoping to grab the attention of on-lookers in the village of WEst WEllington, cyclist Gary Stevens failed to attract any curious on-lookers with his new recumbent bicycle. Stevens donned his Spandex biking shorts to reduce his aerodynamic ride down the busy street at speeds of up to 15km/h. "Rush hour is the best time for people to see me, commuters are stuck in traffic and really have choice but to stare at me." states Stevens who was en route to yoga when interviewed about his bike. Unfortunately the bike failed to attract any interest and even had some people honking madly for Stevens to get out the way. Dejected, Stevens came to a stop at a light and not being familiar with his new bike, toppled over before the light could turn green resulting in minor injuries.

Ottawa U. Grad Backpacks Across Europe; Fails to Find Self, Job

OTTAWA- A local Ottawa U. grad recently returned from a six month trek across Europe and Ursa Minor in an attempt to "find herself". Sadly the 22 year old graduate Katie Harcourt failed to do so and incurred a $34,000 debt due to her travels. A graduate of the university's Eastern Medieval Agricultural and Hindu Studies Course, Harcourt exclaimed regret about the journey but said she feels releived that she is not alone. "All my friends did the same and now we can trade exotic scarves together." Harcourt now plans to open a store in the Glebe which will offer a melange of eccentric herbs and organic dirt.

Hobo Excitement Grows With Announcement of New 2010 Model Cart

WESTBORO- Local hobos and street people are showing signs of unbridled anticipation as word spread of the new 2010 shopping carts that are soon to be released to grocery stores across the country. Boasting new non-wobbly wheels, chromium finish, and corrosion resistant undercarriage, the new carts are expected to be a huge hit with the street crowd who depend on such vehicles to transport their worldly possessions from dumpster to dumpster. Grocery stores are reluctant to show the same enthusiasm as they lose up to 230 carts a year to the hobos. metro General Manager Herb Peswicky stated "WEll, they are nice, but the nicer they are the more we lose and then are customers have to resort to basket shopping". Blogs and internet sites are already ablaze with discussion on mods to the carts including winter tires, sleeping bag attachments, and special empties rack.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Larry O'Brien Reveals He Is Actually Lex Luthor

OTTAWA- After recently announcing his return to the mayoral election race, Larry O'Brien held a press conference to formally put to rest rumours he is actually super-villain, Lex Luthor. A surprised and shocked group of reporters hastily questioned the current mayor such about what his plans for world domination involve, and whether or not Lansdowne Park will be the location for his Super Fortress. Competing candidate Jim Watson was later seen donning a Superman suit and assembling a League of Superheroes in preparation for the upcoming election. Candidate Clive Doucet could not be reached for comment but is reportedly assuming the role of the Joker.

New Stroller Spotted in West Wellington Village

Pedestrians and expectant parents alike were awe struck Saturday afternoon when a new stroller hit the sidewalks of West Wellington Village. Spotted just outside Bridgehead (location 647), this new stroller boasts seating for eight, climate controlled passenger compartment, GPS navigation with On-Star compatibility and hydraulic suspension to cushion the ride of the crack laden sidewalks of Wellington Street. A 345 sqaure foot storage compartment easily holds multiple Zigg bottles, Lululemon Sweaters, yoga mats and a special box keeps fresh Artisan bread. An unfortunate pedestrian was struck and killed by the vehicle's titanium frame as it was attempted to be maneuvered inside a boutique furniture store. Curious onlookers were also treated to seeing the massive vehicle automatically transform into Optimus Prime when the child inside had a tantrum. The stroller built by Cadillac is dubbed "LXB 400" and has a price tag of approximately $22,500CDN.