Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Amish Miracle O-Dot T-Shirts Now Available To Keep You Warm

Ottawa- Due to popular demand and an increase in Amish productivity, the O-Dot is pleased to announce they will be giving away a limited number of t-shirts to the first few readers to respond to this exclusive offer! These miracle T-shirts cover both the upper AND lower torso areas of the body, providing unparalleled warmth and comfort.

Working tirelessly and efficiently in their Amish workshops, the O-dot t-shirt comes emblazoned with an eye-catching O-Dot logo that will be sure to please even the most discriminating buyer.

Stitched and sewn by coastal China craftstoddlers, the gorgeous black t-shirt is then silk screened by Amish T-shirt screeners who bring their quality workmanship to your chest.

"You won't find a better shirt to mask those pasta, ketchup and drool stains." exclaimed Amish Miracle T-Shirt president Quinn Logley. "They are just superb and don't chafe or rash your nipples like other, lower quality shirts." Logley explains from Amish Headquarters in Eastern Pennsylvania.
Act now by sending your request for a FREE t-shirt to tommytalker@gmail.com along with your size preference (Medium or large) and an address where you would like to have your t-shirt mailed.

There is no charge for the shirt, but there are limited numbers, so call now and don't be disappointed!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Westboro Splash Pad Converted To Use Perrier Water

Westboro - The privileged children of Westboro will no longer be subjected to the harsh water conditions of municipal water when the area's four splash pads will be converted to use Perrier water later this week. Parents in the neighbourhood have lobbied city hall for weeks that the city water previously used at the splash pads was ruining their children's skin and hair. Residents also indicated that they would be willing to pay more in property taxes if the city converted the splash pads water to the less abrasive and conditioned Perrier water.

City of Ottawa Parks and Recreation manager Marcel Benoit made the decision to convert the water used in the Westboro splash pads after receiving numerous complaints from local parents who believe the city water is damaging their children's pale, alabaster skin with high mineral content and possible chlorination. "The conversion to the Perrier water system should alleviate any concerns parents may have that the cooling waters may harm their children." explained Benoit who expects the splash pads to be operating on Perrier by Thursday when temperatures are expected to reach 37 degrees. "Now the kids can frolic in the sprinkling waters without concern for their well-being." Benoit remarked.

A coalition of Westboro parents lobbied Ottawa City Hall to convert the splash pads in early June when they noticed their children were complaining that their hair was less soft and manageable after a visit to the municipal water fed water parks. Westboro Parent Association President, Carlene Hechenburg contacted the city and demanded the splash pads be converted to the less abrasive Perrier water after contacting Perrier and discovering they can provide water for splash pads in more affluent neighbourhoods. "This will ensure both parents and children in the area can enjoy cooling down without worrying about water quality." replied Hechenburg.

Westboro splash pads will require those attending the specialized facilities to provide proof of Westboro residence upon arrival where city staff they will also issue a Tilley Hat and SPF95 sunscreen.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Crotchety Old Lady Blown Off Segregated Bike Lane Blamed For Stage Collapse

Ottawa - The violent wind storm that swept through the Ottawa region last night causing severe damage to the Bluesfest main stage also carried a mean old lady and her bike off the segregated bike lane on Laurier Avenue into the Bluesfest area. A shocking photo taken by a patron at Bluesfest clearly shows a crotchety old lady on a bike being catapulted through the air on a strong gust of wind that some witnesses say was "tornado-like". The hag on the bike cackled and laughed at the younger people below as she was carried over the audience area and off into the distance. Moments later the main stage collapsed, with eye witness accounts claiming the old lady purposely hit the stage girders with what looked like a broom.

Bluesfest officials are continuing their investigation into the incident that injured four people that have since been released from hospital. "We are not ruling out foul play with this incident, and we are checking a lot of camera footage to see what really happened." Bluesfest Techinical Staff member Carl Leagan stated.

After the storm many patrons also witnessed what looked like flying monkeys hovering over the stage. An investigation by the Ontario Ministry Labour continues this week to determine what went wrong during the unusually violent and devastating wind storm Sunday night. Anyone who witnessed a crotchety old lady or flying monkeys are asked to come forward and call the investigation hot line at 613-555-5464.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Cawing Crows At 4am Really Have Important Message To Tell: Scientist

Ottawa - Incessant crow cawing heard across the city between the hours of 4am and 8am have recently been deciphered and translated by a Carleton University professor who has determined they are important warnings for mankind. Dr. Harold Freeman of the Department Of Ornithology at Carleton University discovered that the annoying caws of crows are warning us of impending doom and sometimes giving instructions on how to cure cancer.

After years of painstaking research into the annoying cawing of crows in the early dawn hours, Freeman thinks he has finally unravelled the mystery as to why they are so adamant about vocalizing their thoughts at such an inconvenient and disturbing time. “Crows are just getting up early to warn mankind that the end is near, or that the humans beside their tree need to get up and start work a bit earlier due to a traffic issue on the 417.” Freeman states. Most crows also make an attempt to vocalize their warnings and thoughts to those with hangovers, a lack of sleep, or both.

An accredited ornithologist, Freeman conceived and tested a successful crow translator, recording the annoying, intrusive and irritating sounds of crow caws at 4am across various parts of Ottawa. After deciphering their incessant caws using his patented Cawdex computer program, Freeman determined the crows are just really trying to tell us some important messages that we are not acknowledging. “The crows are trying to communicate with us similar to dolphins, but no one really wants to hear them at 4am.” Freeman continued.

After announcing his findings, Freeman hopes the crows will ease up on their exasperating early morning caw calls and let humans reply in time using specialized bird translation devices. Freeman also hopes those annoyed by the cawing will finally accept their black-beaked feathered friends messages, as they are meant to help mankind even though they are delivered at 4am.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Snarky Construction Traffic Sign Irks Westboro Residents

Westboro - A neighbourhood that prides itself on active living and a distinct lifestyle is upset at a snarky automated traffic sign stationed along Byron Avenue in the midst of a road construction zone. The sign used by a local construction company has an artificial intelligence system for monitoring and informing oncoming motorists of current traffic conditions that lie ahead. The automated sign, Model QB-794, has recently switched from informative traffic updates to a more snarky attitude, resulting in some off-hand remarks that is irritating some local residents who pass by the sign. “I was coming home from a particularly bad day at work and this sign tells me to slow down, there’s still lots of cake at the grocery store.” exclaimed Denise Hornbeck, a Westboro resident who wants the sign removed.

The construction company using the sign has responded to complaints by saying that they have no control over what the sign displays since it uses an integrated artificial intelligence system. “We tried to re-program the system but it would not open the control door for us when we input the access code.” replied Joel Kesling, Operations Manager for the construction site. “We knew the QB-794 had some glitches, but this is ridiculous.” Kesling remarked.

Other passing motorists have complained of QB-794 displaying other offensive remarks such as “YOU ARE STILL A LOSER EVEN IN A BMW” , “LETS HOPE YOUR SUSPENSION CAN HOLD UP UNTIL YOU GET TO YOGA” and most recently, “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU REALLY USED THAT KAYAK ON TOP OF YOUR SUBARU?”.

City officials have contacted QB Signs of Brampton, makers of the QB-794 in hopes they can re-program the sign or replace it by the weekend.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Toyota Prius Recalled After Giant Spike Found On Steering Wheel

Toronto - Toyota Canada made a formal announcement early Monday recalling over 50,000 vehicles due to a giant spike that was incorrectly installed on the 2011 model Prius. The recall hopes to avoid any potentially harmful accidents where the giant spike may cause injury if impaled upon. Toyota Canada President Mark Logan announced the recall after a Prius owner was seriously injured after the spike stabbed the driver after making a sudden stop. "We hope the spike can be removed in time before more injuries occur and we will do our best to ensure the recall procedure is as efficient and convenient for our valued customers as possible." Logan remarked at the press conference Toyota organized Monday morning.

The giant spike that was installed on most 2011 Prius models was an oversight in the assembly process at the Fushisimi plant in Japan. The giant spike was not noticed by many Prius owners until they applied ample braking during a stop, and then they noticed the large, titanium protrusion was impaling their upper chest area.

Toyota aims to have the recall completed by this fall and encourages current Prius owners with the giant spike to exercise caution while braking.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Marathon For The End Of Marathons Set For This Weekend

Ottawa - In addition to the 38 different marathons for various charities, cures and assorted beneficiaries, a new marathon has been organized for this upcoming weekend. Dubbed "Race For The End Of Marathons", organizers hope this latest marathon will gather enough support to make sure there will be no more marathons that continual clog city roads and congest traffic. Race To End Marathons spokesperson Larry Hatworth describes the marathon as a way to help support those who are sick and tired of the constant marathons that occur in Ottawa. "We hope to raise awareness that we are tired of constantly having to sponsor people who decide to run in every charitable marathon and irritating us with their constant chatter about how they are training for the race." Hatworth remarked.

The Race For the End Of Marathons marathon will take place Saturday and the race route will not close any roads or cause traffic problems. Hatworth explains their race is on dedicated paths and sidewalks so no roads will have to be closed. "Why not use a perfectly good sidewalk instead of closing roads?" added Hatworth.

The inaugural race already has 2,500 runners participating, with many unaware they are actually running to end marathons because they just wanted to run in yet another marathon, regardless of the cause. "I think half the runners just signed up as an excuse to run in another marathon." replied Hatworth who is organizing special 5,10 and 20K routes for Saturday's race. "Through this race, I hope we can all bring an end to the suffering we all endure listening to these running people blather on about their 'times' and how they've been in training for weeks preparing for the races." says Hatworth.

Anyone interested in participating in the Run For the End Of Marathons marathon is asked to sign up online at www.endtheruns.com or show up at the race starting line Saturday at the corner of Bank and Sunnyside anytime before the race begins at 9am.