Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Westboro Beach To Use Fair Trade Organic Sand

Fair Trade workers harvest the organic sand for Westboro Beach
Westboro - Westboro Beach sunbathers will be treated to a special sand between their toes after Kitchissippi Ward Councillor Katherine Hobbs approved the use of specially imported fair trade organic sand trucked in from Kenyan and Ethiopian sand fields. The filtered sand is 99% organic and is harvested using fair trade practices and in some cases, shade grown. 

Previously, Westboro Beach used regular alluvial sand from the Ottawa River, but was thought to be inferior by many Westboro residents. Demanding a higher quality sand to lay and play on, residents lobbied Councillor Hobbs to have the new organic sand brought in to replace the regular sand. Many residents expressed concern that their children would come in contact with abrasive, UV exposed sand that could be harmful. "Who knows where this sand comes from, I mean, look at it, its filthy and probably full of dangerous chemicals." expressed one Westboro parent sitting on the outskirts of the sandy beach area. "We need a safe, organic sand alternative for the health and well-being of our children." the anonymous resident exclaimed before leashing, helmeting and sunscreening her child before playing on the beach.

Other residents of the Westboro area were pleased to hear of the news that the organic fair trade sand will be trucked in later this week, covering the beach area with clean, safe and filtered sand. Councillor Hobbs made an announcement of the new sand earlier this week, stating the popular beach will now offer an "Eco-conscious sand for all to enjoy." The sand is harvested from the Great Bukinia Sand Fields on the border of Kenya and Ethiopia, where some of the world's finest sands are harvested from. Using fair trade workers to dig the sand for export, the organically filtered sand is 99% pure and free of any impurities such as twigs or seashells. The organic sand is almost 2000% more expensive than regular sand, but Hobbs says the higher-than-average Westboro property taxes will cover the expense.

Westboro Beach will be open on June 21st with a projected 5 days of use during the entire summer due the usual high E.Coli count, but residents are welcomed to enjoy the fresh new sand even if the beach is closed to swimming.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Neighbourhood Kids Quench Westboro Thirst With Organic Flaxseed Smoothie Stand

Westboro - The hot, humid weather of the holiday weekend prompted some area kids to set up a thirst quenching, good ol' fashioned organic flaxseed stand at the corner of Golden and Avondale. With prompting from their over bearing and health conscious parents, the kids original idea of a lemonade stand  was altered so they would offer more health-oriented organic flax seed smoothies, with optional wheatgrass additive. "My mommy said the flaxseed is better for you than lemonade, so we used that instead." replied 6 year old Kayla-Mirth-Whitmore-Kleinberg, who initiated the idea of a lemonade stand. "We wanted to charge a dollar, but my mom said people around here would pay $6." Whitmore-Kleinberg added.

Using a blender and raw organic ingredients such as flaxseed, acai berries and wheatgrass, the healthy beverage being offered will hopefully quench the thirst of Westboro residents as they pass by the makeshift stand. Offering services in both English and French, the French-Immersion trained staff of 5-7 year olds will gladly pour you a delicious, chilled smoothie into a bio-degradable corn-based cup that will  provide energy and aid digestion. With temperatures expected to soar into the mid-twenties later this week, the smoothie stand kids are excited at the prospect of selling lots of their smoothies and making enough money to buy some candy. That dream was later changed by a hovering mother who proclaimed all proceeds were being used to fund the a trip to a children's summer yoga camp.

The organic smoothie costs six dollars, but a wheatgrass additive is an extra two dollars. The smoothie stand can also be followed on MySpace, Twitter and it also has a Tumblr account.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Finally Girls Get Huge Sunglasses That Cover Entire Face

 Ottawa - Girls throughout the Ottawa region were excited to learn that they will now be able to have huge sunglasses that will cover their entire facial region. Previous sunglasses were only big enough to cover the upper eyebrow and cheek areas, but with the new "FaceShades" from CHANEL, ladies will now be able to envelope their entire face with giant sunglasses.

Working closely with renowned sunglasses researcher Helmut Schmidt, CHANEL was able to engineer the highly sought after sunglasses that will cover the whole face, bringing joy to millions of ladies who want their sunglasses even bigger than before. "I'm so excited that I'll now be able to cover my whole face with these new glasses!" exclaimed Ottawa resident Jenny Gorman, who previously only had sunglasses that covered 25% of her face. "These new CHANEL Face Shades are exactly what all us ladies want." Gorman declared. 

Using advanced sunglasses technology, the new FaceShades will eliminate the need for sunscreen on the face as well as providing a chic fashion statement for ladies who want bigger sunglasses than ones previously available. CHANEL engineers are also working on a new mens sunglasses design for bald men that stay permanently atop their forehead the entire summer season.  The new Faceshades from CHANEL will be vaialble exclusively through Holt Renfrew and will retail for about $300. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Police Sketch Artist Might Be Losing It With Recent 'Ziggy' Sketches

A somewhat poor suspect sketch by Police Sketch Artist Dwayne Hudson
Ottawa - After years of sketching countless criminals and courtrooms, Ottawa Police Services could relieve their police sketch artist    Dwayne Hudson of his duties after a Police Board review found his recent sketch skill levels to be of poor quality. Slipping further into an odd display of sketching only Ziggy-like characters, Hudson, 38, has been off the mark when it comes to trying to identify potential criminals in the Ottawa area. Using first person accounts and descriptions of potential suspects, Hudson has managed to make every suspect look like Ziggy in all of his police sketches. A popular comic strip character from the 1970s, Ziggy is the subject of Hudson's recent sketches for reasons unknown.

Other sketches of suspects have looked like the frazzled "Cathy" comic strip character, and sometimes even a combination of Ziggy and Cathy. Other sketches by Hudson depict bizarre, poorly executed sketches that resemble odd characters from his imagination, with little or no resemblance to the suspect at large. "We don't know what's happened with Dwayne, his sketches were starting to get worse and worse, but now they just all look like Ziggy." commented Ottawa Police Chief Bordeleau, who praised Hudson's previous sketch work, but now thinks his art is entering a 'dark period'.

Hudson, a graduate of Queen's University Fine Arts Program, has been the official sketch artist with the Ottawa Police since 1994, but colleagues believe his skills are beginning to wane after drawing thousands of countless suspects. "He's losing it, which is too bad because he used to be really good," said Constable Greenberg, a friend of Hudson. "I feel for the guy, but its hard to track suspects when the sketches we have to go on all look like Ziggy." Greenberg remarked.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Chinese Couple Adopt Caucasian Baby

Chongqing - A happy Chinese couple celebrated the arrival of their newly adopted Caucasian baby boy earlier today after a lengthy adoption process trying to bring the baby from North America.  Cheng-Li, 28, and Xi-Ping, 38, welcomed the blue-eyed, blonde toddler into their home just outside the bustling city of Chongqing where they will finally be able to raise their son after an 18 month legal and immigration process. "We just want to start enjoying our little Tyler." said Cheng-Li, who spent 24 hrs on a flight from Los Angeles to bring their new boy home. Tyler, aged 10 months, was adopted from an orphanage in Orange County where unwanted babies are given to the state for an international adoption program. "Now we can finally begin being parents and have Tyler sleep in our home where we will begin his math and spelling tutoring." an emotional Xi-Ping replied through translators when asked about upcoming plans for their new baby.

Many North American Caucasian babies are now finding homes with newly wealthy young Chinese couples who may have trouble conceiving a child of their own. These new Chinese adoptive parents opt for the novelty of a North American Caucasian baby that resembles the children of popular Hollywood and television programs. Adopt-a-Cauc, a Los Angeles based adoption agency has seen an increase in demand for caucasian babies since opening last year, with over 3,000 placements to Chinese parents in 2011 alone. "We are seeing a demand for blue-eyed blonde babies, a demand we are trying to keep up with." says Adopt-a-Cauc Senior Manager Sue Ribbons explained. "They want a baby that will grow up to be a movie-star." Ribbons remarked.

Tyler will soon have his name changed to Yongzhu, to better fit in with his Chinese counterparts and culture, but for now baby Tyler seems quite content chewing on ginseng root while playing with his new parents.