Saturday, April 30, 2011

City Fears Psychosis Outbreak In Westboro After People Seen Skiing Around With Poles But No Skis

Westboro - The City Of Ottawa is investigating a possible pandemic sweeping the Westboro neighbourhood after recent photographs captured individuals skiing along sidewalks with out skis, but using ski poles. “The only explanation is an infectious psychosis that is spreading among residents, causing them to think they are skiing along sidewalks using ski poles, but no skis.” Regional Health spokesperson Marianne Mackay replied after being asked about the bizarre behavior being witnessed in the West End neighbourhood.

Non-affected residents are asked to keep their distance from these “Polers” as a precaution in case the psychosis is highly contagious. It is best to avoid eye contact and do not interfere with their progress after one witness was accosted by a poler. “They just ram right into you as they swing their poles.” commented John Husslebeck who sustained minor injuries from a stray ski pole. “I guess they think they really are skiing down the sidewalk even though they are without skis.” Husslebeck remarked.

Any sightings of a “pole walker” are to be reported to the city for investigation by dialing 311 and reporting the location of the insane person skiing without skis.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Taliban Excitement Builds For Royal Wedding

Afghanistan - The fighting forces of the Taliban laid down their weapons and ceased operations today in preparation for Royal Wedding festivities that are sweeping many Islamist regions. Commemorative Royal Wedding souvenirs are being swept off store shelves as excitement builds for the televised wedding ceremony tomorrow afternoon. Thousands of Taliban members have traded in their AK-47s for souvenir plates, spoons and Union Jack flags in anticipation of spending the day huddled around makeshift television sets, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kate's dress or William's Royal Wedding attire.

"This is the most exciting event to happen in my short lifetime as an Islamist extremist." commented an excited Abdul Akhund Mullamar, who recently fired an RPG adorned with Kate and William's official engagement photo. "I can't wait to see what dress Kate will be wearing, hopefully it is reminiscent of Lady Diana's beautiful wedding dress." Mullamar exclaimed from his cave bunker outside of Kabul.

With Royal Wedding fever sweeping the world, Taliban forces are no exception, with thousands flocking to local markets to purchase Royal Wedding souvenirs. "I just picked up my commemorative spoon that I will sharpen and use to torture my prisoners." Mohammed Baradul remarked before joining his comrades for a pre-wedding celebration where they will play music by the popular artists performing at the Royal Wedding reception. "There wasn't a dry eye in the cave when we all listened to Elton John's Candle In The Wind last night." a jubilant Baradul replied.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Dewar, Bradley Heat Up Election With New Signs Targeting Female Voters

Ottawa - Local candidates Scott Bradley (Lib) and Paul Dewar (NDP) launched a new direction in their campaigning this week as they unveiled a series of new election signs featuring themselves bare-chested. Specifically targeting women voters of the Ottawa-Centre riding, and possibly, the gay male demographic, both Dewar and Bradley discarded their more conservative photos from previous signage, and replaced the image with more appealing photos that will hopefully garner some votes from undecided women voters in the riding.

Local female residents have responded favourably to the new signs, flooding both Dewar's and Bradley's campaign offices with calls for signs to be erected on lawns across the riding. "I think Bradley has the nicest chest, so my vote is for him!" exclaimed Ottawa-Centre resident Heather Jenkle, who has never voted Liberal in her life, but has decided to now thanks to the provocative new Bradley campaign sign. "Dewar is ok too, but it looks like he might use performance enhancing proteins, which I think looks unnatural." Jenkle explained. Other women think both candidates are equally "hot" and are clambering to have their signs adorn their front lawns. "I actually have both signs on my lawn," remarked Hintonburg resident Sheila Postman, "so I can look out my window at both bare-chests each morning." Postman replied.

Both Dewar and Bradley are diligently campaigning in the final weeks leading up to the election, with Bradley making more of an effort in his sign and canvassing blitz in the local neighbourhoods. Dewar meanwhile is taking a more relaxed approach, counting on his handsomeness to win the election for him. Both candidates hope the signs will grab some new votes from women who may have been undecided about voting in the upcoming election. "I've been working out for weeks to get the right look for my sign, but I think it will pay off if I get some more votes." Bradley explained while campaigning along 417 off ramps earlier today.

The new signs will hopefully also grab the attention of the gay male voters of the "Gay Village" which is within the Ottawa-Centre riding along Bank Street. "Dewar has my vote with that yummy chest! And with his innovative new child care program, Charles and I will be able to put our adopted Kenyan child into a proper daycare." commented Bank Street resident Michael Olthoff from inside Wilde's Gay Boutique.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Home Depot Introduces New Flair Badge For Employees

Ottawa - After a recent incident at an Ottawa Home Depot store where an employee was bitten by a customer's dog, the company has quickly introduced a new motivational badge that will be awarded to a recipient who has gained the valuable experience of being bitten by an animal while on duty. The flair badge, which will be adorn employees trademark orange aprons, is called the "Bite Badge" and will be issued to any employee that happens to experience an animal attack at the store where they are working. Featuring the cartoon mascot of the company getting his nose bitten by a small dog, the badge will recognize the bravery and risks employees endure while at work. Home Depot President Mitch Lonner created the badge in response to a recent attack on an employee at an Ottawa Home Depot location where a store greeter was bitten on the nose by a customer's dog. "We want to recognize the bravery and valuable life lessons our employees experience with a badge that will compliment the many other badges, pins and ribbons our employees proudly display on their aprons." Lonner explained.

A common sight on most Home Depot employee aprons are the multitude of pins, ribbons and badges that recognize employee accomplishments such as years of service, customer appreciation and now, injuries at work. Ottawa Home Depot greeter Anne Riel’s nose will never look the same after a customer’s dog attacked her last Friday afternoon, and was the first recipient of the new flair badge. "I was kind of hoping for some sick days off or compensation, but I guess this badge will make my nose disfigurement worth it if it helps increase my apron flair." Riel commented as she was awarded the badge at a special store ceremony yesterday.

A city spokesman said the dog bite is under investigation and added the animal’s owner could be charged under the city’s animal care and control bylaw. "We are investigating this incident and will hopefully have the dog and owner questioned soon." City Animal Control ByLaw officer Tony Frehan remarked. The dog, a cross between a shih tzu and doberman, or "shitterman" as they are commonly referred to, could face assault charges if found.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Liberals Seek Recycling Equality; Demand “Red Bin” To Join Blue/Green Bins

Ottawa - Federal Liberal candidates across the country are seeking recycling equality and are lobbying municipal waste programs to launch “red bin” recycling in addition to their current “blue” and “green” bin recycling receptacles that residents use to recycle waste.

Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff called the exclusion of a red bin “an injustice” and “waste discrimination” at a recent press conference in Kamloops, BC. Ignatieff is willing to take the matter to the courts if a red bin is not included in recycling programs within the next two weeks. “This is a grave reminder that discrimination has no boundaries, including waste recycling, and Liberals are going to see that a red bin appears on the curbs of every Canadian.” a disgruntled Ignatieff exclaimed while on his campaign stop in Kamloops.

Currently, both blue and green bins are being used across the country to recycle waste, with Ignatieff viewing this as “subconscious campaigning” symbols of both the Conservative and Green parties, who use blue and green as their political colours respectively. Ignatieff hopes a red bin will be used to recycle electronics or shoes. “I see the need for a red bin so every Canadian can dispose of their outdated electronics and footwear responsibly.” Ignatieff remarked before heading to his next campaign stop in Yellowknife where recycling is still to be implemented by residents.

417 Off-Ramp Hobos Upset By Campaign Signs

Ottawa - Countless off-ramp hobos who make their home and peddling grounds on the off-ramps from Highway 417 have failed to make a concrete decision on who they will vote for in the upcoming federal election. Even after a relentless campaigning effort by the city candidates who visited the important off-ramp territories, the hobos or “OR-hobos”, as they are called by their peers, left many confused and upset by the blitz of campaign signs that litter their off ramp grounds. “My handheld cardboard sign for spare change gets lost amongst the sea of these campaign signs and leaves me rather indignant as to who I will cast a ballot for come election day this fortnight.” a well spoken OR-hobo, Kensington Wallace exclaimed from his makeshift Maytag box residence at the side of the Bronson exit. “I really don’t know who I trust to improve our living and work conditions.” Wallace remarked as he continued to pan-handle motorists exiting the Queensway off ramps.

Candidate’s of Ottawa-Centre have recently plastered hundreds of campaign signs on the off-ramp exits from the 417 hoping to sway the votes of passing motorists leaving the busy highway, but have failed to sway the votes of any hobos. They are left completely confused and lost as they are exposed to a sensory overload of campaign signs each day. Ottawa-Centre Liberal candidate Scott Bradley joined OR-hobos Sunday afternoon in a continual campaigning blitz that had off-ramp hobo Mike Simpson sharing his ramp space with Bradley in an attempt to garner some spare change and votes from passing motorists. “We got a few horn honks of support of my campaign, and I think Mikey got some spare change, so I think it was a good day on the campaign trail.” Bradley remarked as he gave the off-ramp hobo some large weather resistant campaign signs to build a better wind shelter.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Toddler Collapses Under Weight Of Own Safety Gear

(Previously posted July 28 2010) Wellington West - The soft laughter of little Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel-Benson-Campbell soon turned to screams of pain early Thursday afternoon after the 15 month old toddler collapsed under the weight of safety equipment that ironically was worn to protect her. Apparently after enjoying a controlled and monitored stroll in Hampton Park, Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel suddenly fell onto the soft grass of the park, writhing in pain. Shocked, her parent, Morwena Lagel-Benson-Campbell, quickly tried pulling the reigns of the safety harness to save her. The mother then tried in vain to pick up Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel whose slippery skin was covered in SPF 90 sunscreen, making it impossible for a grip to be attained. 911 was then called and paramedics were on the scene within minutes.

"This is not an uncommon response." stated paramedic-on-the-scene, Chris Haverton. "Just last week I got a call about a kid who had about three times his own body weight in gear on, and with the extreme summer heat, he fainted, but luckily the knee pads and PFD broke his fall." Haverton exclaimed. The recent trend in protecting children from the hazards of play time has lead to a spike in emergency responses to children collapsing under the weight of the safety gear that is supposed to be protecting them.

With today's play time becoming increasingly dangerous due to UV rays, uncut grass, rough gravel, dust, stray insects, puddles, pavement cracks and other menacing dangers, parents are taking preventative measures to ensure their child's safety.

Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel was ushered to CHEO but is expected to make a full recovery in time for her Tiny Tot yoga and massage this weekend.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Bridgehead Opens New Location Inside Existing Location

(Previously posted July 2010)Wellington St W.- Coffee drinkers were treated to the opening of a brand new Bridgehead location last Saturday when the popular West End coffee chain opened a new location right inside an existing location. Bridgehead, an Ottawa based coffee shop that has over 12 locations in the West End of Ottawa already, decided it "only made sense" to open a new location inside an existing location.

"We considered opening up a location across the street from an existing location, but it made more sense to open one inside a current location to give customers less of a walk and make the decision easier where to get that second coffee." exclaimed Bridgehead manager Beth Herkle.

Following the trend of rival coffee shop, StarBucks, that has been known to open new locations in close proximity to an existing location, Bridgehead hopes this bold move makes loyal coffee drinkers of their fair trade coffees "less travelled" to get that cup of coffee.

So far consumer response has been positive although somewhat perplexed. "I thought I was seeing double when I walked in the shop, but then I realized they opened a second location inside, which makes my walk to get a second cup a lot easier." states Ness Wayward. "Before I'd have to walk at least 400 metres to another location to get a second espresso, now that trek is a lot easier."

Plans are already underway to open another new location in Spring 2011 on top of the Wellington St. shop to bring the total to three shops in one place.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Random Hole Digging Begins Across City

(Previously posted July 13 2010) Ottawa- Construction crews began the annual ritual of digging random holes in streets across the neighbourhood today. Public Works Supervisor Hank Granger was baffled when asked what the digging was for, "We just get a work order from head office asking us to start digging holes in the streets at certain locations, but really don't know what we are digging for." Granger continued to express concern that his crews start the day excited to be digging, but after a few days grow tired and lose morale to continue the senseless digging. "Somedays I have five guys leaning on shovels just watching the back-hoe." City officials were asked to explain the random digging, which can snarl traffic for up to an hour on some streets, but refused comment. "Just be patient and enjoy watching the machinery and your tax dollars hard at work." exclaimed Mayor O'Brien.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Leaders Debate Attracts Prime TV Advertisements

Ottawa - Tonight's live debate on CBC is shaping up to be a lively sparring match between federal leader hopefuls and is attracting some high profile advertisements that will air during the two hour broadcast. Similar to the Superbowl, the leaders debate typically ranks very highly in the Nielsen ratings, reaching more than 2 million viewers. Prices for advertising space can typically cost hundreds of dollars; 30 seconds of advertising time during the 2011 telecast is expected to cost upwards of $200 CDN dollars.

Such big name companies as Metamucil, 2000 Flushes Plus, and even Canadian Tire are spending hundreds of dollars to bring innovative and often humourous ads to viewers this evening. The highly anticipated string of ads usually showcase unique advertising that companies hope will sway viewers to purchase the product being advertised. Canadian Tire is excited to re-introduce the popular bearded "Canadian Tire Guy", who brings his own informatively annoying presence to TV screens once again after living in forced exile for 7 years.

Viewers can catch the debate on CBC television, CBC News Network and from 7 to 9 p.m. ET. Listeners can tune in to CBC Radio One from 7 to 9 p.m. ET for a debate special with Alison Smith, host of the World at Six. The regularly scheduled broadcast of the hit CBC series "Heartland" will re-air next week where it spotlights Amy and Ty working through their trust issues as they train a pair of Clydesdales.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

After 13 Bottles Of Wine, Still No Talk Of Book At Book Club

Westboro- A local women's book club is still trying to select a suitable novel, let alone discuss a book, at their bi-weely book club meeting. After one particular meeting in which 13 bottles of red wine were consumed by the 6 members of the group, it was decided the book they will eventually choose should revolve around the plight of a repressed woman in the early 20th century, or focus on the struggle of a minority.

The book club, who dub themselves "The Westbookos" meet at each others Westboro homes to discuss and compare opinions on books, but have yet to decide on a book after eight meetings. "We usually get started by reviewing Oprah's Book Club list, but then we get sidetracked talking about the local neighbourhood gossip, and then when that fifth bottle of Shiraz gets opened, we forget about books altogether and start talking about organizing a weekend shopping trip down to the Syracuse outlet malls." explained book club member Laura Pilton-Criskle, a 38 year old mother of two. Other activities that sidetrack members from actually discussing books include: constantly checking their cell phones and/or Facebooking/Tweeting, answering cell phone calls from their distraught children, spilling wine on furniture resulting in lengthy cleanup procedures, and consoling certain members who usually break down crying to reveal emotional domestic problems after drinking too much wine.

The next meeting of The Westbookos takes place Thursday April 21 at Heather Nesden-Willis' home on Golden Ave. with times and more information listed on their website:

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ottawa Hydro Explains $25,000 Sens Tab

Ottawa - A recent document released yesterday revealed that the tax-payer owned public utility Ottawa Hydro recently spent over $25,000 on Ottawa Senators Deluxe corporate boxes, entertaining themselves and select clients. When confronted with the expenses, chief executive of the public utility, Rosemarie Leclair explained the expenses were justified and that the corporate box was a necessity in dealing with the stressful business of electricity. A chart breaking down the large expenses for the box seats this past season was soon made available under the Freedom of Information Act. It was also mentioned the box was used only for games where the Sens were probably going to lose a game, a "time of use" strategy Ottawa Hydro is trying to implement into its billing structure.

Leclair also went on to explain the corporate box was used specifically for business related activities like discussing issues such as service concerns and billing issues as well as to inform key account customers of programs (such as conservation and demand management programs)how they could work in their specific situations. It was stressed that at no time did anyone in the box turn their heads to watch the ongoing hockey game.

When hydro rates have increased by more than 18% over the last year, many customers will likely be upset, but Leclair defended the expenses by justifying their use. "The corporate box expenses were "smart metered" with clients and patrons being metered for their alcohol and nacho consumption so we weren't over-billed. In addition, we were charged as "time of use" customers by Scotiabank Place, and only paid for hot dogs and beer we consumed, and not for the beverages and foods in storage." replied Leclair.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Police Investigate Courtroom Sketch Abuse

Ottawa - The Special Investigation Unit of the Ottawa Police Department is investigating reports from persons under trial that their likeness is being abused by courtroom sketch artists. After a recent investigation into police actions involving cellblock abuse, now complaints have been filed by suspects undergoing trial that their sketch likeness is far from their actual appearance, with some sketch artists taking complete liberty with their renderings of the courtroom scene. In one instance, a person was depicted as a "furry", a fictional anthropomorphic animal character with human personalities and characteristics that resembles a half-human, half Japanese Anime furry creature. Another sketch under investigation had one defendant in a domestic assault case resembling the fictional comic strip character "Cathy".

"We are investigating the matter further and hope to reach some kind of conclusion as to what's going on with the courtroom sketches." exclaimed Police Chief Vern White, who initiated the sketch investigation. Courtroom sketch artists are hired on a freelance basis, so pinpointing exact instances of sketchal abuse will be difficult. "For the most part, these artists do a great job in re-creating the scene within the courtroom, but sometimes they get a bit carried away, especially if the trial is boring or lengthy." Ottawa Judicial Court Sketch Supervisor Jan Harding explained. "We sometimes see artists take liberty with the suspects under trial, but we try and get them to modify the likeness before it goes to the papers." Harding remarked. Many of the sketch artists are hoping to break into the comic book scene or try to implement their own genre of drawing style into their sketches, which may or may not work well within the courtroom scenario.

One suspect under a murder trial has filed a formal complaint with the Ottawa Police Department citing it misrepresents his likeness and it is damaging to his street credit. "I don't want to look like some Japanamation freak!" replied murder suspect Kevin Gorbson, who filed a complaint that his courtroom sketch unfairly depicted him as a furry nymph. "My rep is on the line here, this whole sketch thing needs to be shut down!" Gorbson commented before heading back to the courtroom where his trial was soon to be sketched by Janice Thurcott, a third year Fine Arts student at the University of Ottawa.

Ottawa SIU is investigating the sketchal abuse complaints and will be making some artists accountable for their improper courtroom depictions.