Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Budget Cuts Force Short Buses To Become Shorter

Gloucester - Recent provincial funding cuts have forced the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board to make drastic changes within the Transport Division of the Board, leaving trustees with no other choice but to make the already short buses even shorter. "This is a devastating blow to our Transport Sector, but we feel it's necessary if we want to stay on budget this term." explained School Board Trustee Ian MacInnes. "With a 45% reduction in the length of our short buses, we'll be conserving materials and fuel dramatically." stated MacInnes.

Students heading back to school next week may find their back to school ride less comfortable because the seats have also been removed to save costs. The rural and special program short buses have been targeted since most of them already have the chassis weld points adjusted, making the further shortening an easier task.

OCDSB officials remind students heading back to school next week to wear helmets if they are taking a bus since bus driver training programs were also cut over the summer, making most drivers of school buses unfamiliar with the braking and accelerating systems of the new vehicles.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sunshine Girl Hates Rollerblading

Ottawa- Recent Sunshine Girl "Nikki" shocked readers of this week's Ottawa Sun newspaper by announcing she detests rollerblading, hanging with friends and even beach volleyball. Contrary to what many readers expected, Nikki instead enjoys watching BattleStar Galactica, reading some comics and playing World Of Warcraft in her spare time.

"I'm really not into rollerblading and beach volleyball like my counterparts" stated Nikki, 27, who is currently employed by the National Research Council as a Technical Analyst. "I'd rather rack up some kills playing Warcraft or even head down to the video store and rent The Empire Strikes Back instead of hitting the clubs with the girls."

Having been featured as Sunshine Girl has made Nikki aware that some readers may be confused by her dislike of rollerblading but does not discourage others from trying it. "Hey, have fun blading along the canal, that's great, but I'll be the one watching you from the bench with a book!" exclaimed Nikki.

Nikki can also be seen in the upcoming edition of the SunShine Calendar 2011.

Doting Dads Excited About New "Tween Carrier"

Designed and manufactured by "Can't Let Go Inc." a New England child accessory company, the new carrier will comfortable accommodate a child up to 100 pounds and also make the parental bond even stronger. "We designed this carrier for those parents that like to continue to coddle and dote on their children well into their tween years. There seemed to be a large demand for such a device, especially amongst trendy, hip dad's that like to walk around with their child strapped to their chest while they get a latte." explained CLG President
Laura Hiles. "More and more we are seeing parents take their children with them everywhere, includi
ng the workplace, and carrying their kids into their older, more formative years."

Already well known for their workplace carriers that allow the doting dads to carry their child into the workplace, CLG hopes the new 'Tween Carrier" expands their market presence in the highly competitive child accessory market. Consumer response has been positive, with many dads lining up for over two hours to purchase their Tween carrier. "I'll gladly buy one so I can take my 11 year old son with me down to Bridgehead or to Thyme and Again where we can share a Lemon Tart." remarked Doug Noiles, father of Hayden and who lives in the West Wellington area. "We go everywhere together, I just took Hayden to his first heart transplant in the operating room where I work." Noiles beamed.

CLG also released plans for a "Tween Car Safety Helmet" that should be on store shelves in time for Christmas.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

City Unveils New Parking Enforcement Uniforms

Ottawa City Hall - Ottawa Bylaw Services proudly launched their new Parking Enforcement uniforms at a press conference held Saturday afternoon. Often harassed by the public, bylaw officers hope these new uniforms will instill a sense of fear with those breaking parking regulations on city streets.

Widely known for their intimidating and relentless enforcement of the slightest of parking infractions, bylaw officers are embracing their new look and hope to increase their productivity as well. "We are really anxious to put on our new uniforms," exclaimed Kevin Merchand, a bylaw parking enforcement officer with the City of Ottawa. "Citizens really weren't taking me too seriously when I was wearing shorts and a bicycle helmet handing them a $200 ticket for an expired meter, but now I think the uniforms will demand respect." Public reaction to the new uniforms is less enthusiastic, with many citizens already enraged by Bylaw enforcement practices. "I just got a $150 ticket because I was apparently not supposed to park on a second Tuesday of a full moon month." cried Glennis Jonston, who also received an additional ticket while being interviewed because her meter expired by 30 seconds. "Their uniforms are bringing back horrible flashbacks for me as well." sobbed Jonston, a decorated World War Two veteran.

In addition to the new uniforms, Parking Enforcement Officers will also receive new vehicles to replace the aging Hyundai Accents and Smart Car fleet. Coinciding with the new intimidation factor, bylaw vehicles are now refurbished surplus Panzer IV tanks. The tracked vehicles will negotiate the growing traffic within Ottawa, and also be able tow or destroy vehicles breaking any bylaw regulations.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Swiss Chalet Introduces Exciting New Palliative Care Menu

Ottawa- Chewing and digestion will seem almost effortless when the new "Palliative Menu" hits Swiss Chalet restaurants later this month. In an exciting, and bold new direction, Swiss Chalet hopes to appeal to their growing elderly demographic by offering easy to chew, smaller portions, and quite colourless menu items. "We noticed a large number of our customers were over 75 and had a hard time chewing and digesting our previous food choices." stated Cara Foods Operations Manager Barb Forthright, who personally researched the new menu. "These new items are amazingly easy to swallow and offer the same colour palette of greys and pale browns that are sure to please."

Known for their famous quarter chicken dinners and "Festive Feast" during the holiday season, Forthright hopes the new menu will become equally as popular and even envisions future menus that utilize Intravenous Feeding Tubes, or IFT's. "We are slowly integrating certain foods, and hope to have IFTs in place soon." stated Forthright.

When asked about the new menu, many customers expressed excitement over the food choices, and hoped the new menu would also include the complimentary drink refills. "Stan and I come here often because of the bottomless Ginger Ale for our pills, but we haven't been back since they turned on the air conditioning and it's too cold." exclaimed customer Ruth Giller who has frequented the Kirkwood Ave. location for over ten years.

Known for its authentic Swiss cuisine and appeal to senior citizens, many Swiss Chalets are also offering more handicapped parking spaces and a free "Ensure" meal supplement beverage with the purchase of a Combo Meal.

Stittsville Suburban Community "Deer Run" Mysteriously Devoid Of Any Deer, Trees: Study

Stittsville - A recent independent study has confirmed that the suburban development by Richcraft Homes called "Deer Run", actually does not contain any deer or trees as implied by their signage and advertising. The dramatic loss of the natural deer from the development comes as a mysterious shock to both residents and developers alike, who used to see deer all the time within the vinyl clad streets of the suburb. "My kids and I would go for a walk down our street and have herds of deer follow us, and we'd even feed them from our minivan on the way to school." reminisced Deer Run resident Mike Turner who has lived in the community since 2006.

The study conducted by GenCom NaturCorp was initiated after residents noticed the absence of any deer on their streets. Gencom researcher, Kelly Overbrook explained, "This decrease in deer at "Deer Run" could be blamed on a number of factors, including the fact there are absolutely no trees for deer to feed off or to provide shelter. It could also be that they moved to a new suburban development." Mattamy Homes has recently created a new family oriented suburb nearby entitled "Woodgrove Estates" that may have attracted all the deer.

Richcraft Homes Operations Manager Patricia Bonseigel reported that "Deer Run" opened in 2006 with more than enough deer present and is baffled at their sudden disappearance from the community. "We really thought they would stay, that's why a lot of people moved to this tranquil setting." remarked Bonseigel. "Richcraft Homes takes pride in providing a natural environment for its residents, we just planted 6 trees and even made sure to name a street "BurblingBrook Avenue" with a drainage ditch alongside to encourage and maintain that way of life."

GenCom Research is also conducting a study for Minto Home Developments to determine the cause for the lack of happiness in their suburbs in contrast to their signage showing smiling, playful families frolicking in a grassy field.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Subdued Glebe Residents Eagerly Await "Helix" Concert, "Zipper" Ride At This Year's SuperEx

The Glebe - Once again Glebe residents are anxiously awaiting this year's SuperEx held at Lansdowne Park in the heart of the Glebe community. Recent debate surrounding the future development of Lansdowne Park has given way to giddy excitement as the 122nd SuperEx opens this Thursday August 19th with 1980's supergroup "Helix" headlining the 2010 concert series.

"This is not just a two week noisemaker and parking nightmare for us," stated Glebe resident Gilbert Longtropp, who looks forward to the SuperEx every year at this time. "The constant drone of Midway rides, screaming, and the delectable smell of corn dogs and fried onions wafting across our neighbourhood really signals the end of summer in a unique way." Longtropp exclaimed. He and his wife, Rhodesia, often frequent the event, taking their 3 year old adopted Vietnamese son, Quan, to the exciting Midway. They enjoy such rides the nerve bending "Zipper" and even the "Rock&Roller Cyclotron" that pleases many of the attendees to SuperEx.

Also creating much anticipation in the neighbourhood is the performance of "Helix", the once popular 1980's rock band whose toe-tapping lyrics of love will permeate the air of the Glebe August 22nd. "Most years we get a couple of the neighbour's together after Poetry Club with a glass of Merlot, and sit outside and really enjoy the hard-rock anthems of the SuperEx concerts." explained Fifth Avenue resident Nesmond Treasle, who with his partner Greg, enjoy the event amidst the fray of "non-Glebers" who descend upon the community for two weeks at the end of August each year. "Sure the streets are chaos with 20,000 cars trying to find side-street parking, and sure we have some folks relieving themselves on our crocus garden at 3am, but it's all part of the SuperEx experience." stated Treasle, who already has his all-event pass.

City officials also look forward to the well attended event, but express concern over the hastily assembled Midway rides that could mean a more thorough safety inspection. "Usually the entire array of Mid-Way rides are assembled in 48 minutes, but this year they were put up in 44 minutes, which leads us to believe there may be some safety concerns regarding the rides." City Safety Inspector Hal Gorman explained.

Safely or not, this year's SuperEx is sure to bring smiles to both Glebe residents who live next door, and to those who come from outside the vibrant community.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

"Artisan" Bread Gets Solo Exhibition At Local Gallery

Wellington West - The much discussed and heralded "artisan" bread that many local restaurants proudly serve has been appointed gallery status by Sphere Gallery on Wellington Street West. Located in the heart of what has now been dubbed "Epicurean Row", Sphere Gallery will play host to the artistic bread solo show this coming October.

"The bread is called artisan for a reason," stated Sphere curator Ed Manet, "It is art in bread form, hence the name." For years now, the popular bread made locally by bread "artists", has been served in the many eateries along Wellington West, which has recently been named "Epicurean Row" by media types and the Wellington West BIA for its diverse selection of eating establishments . Trying to make the bread sound artsy and unique in stature, the bread was labelled "artisan", and continues to grow in popularity among restaurants.

Recently, many other products have been given artisan status, but none have reached critical acclaim and achieved their own artistic solo show in an art gallery. "This is a great opportunity to exhibit art in the form of bread and showcase its artisan status" explained Manet.

Plans are already in the works for an artisan water, artisan butter, and artisan cheese exhibitions soon after the bread's solo exhibit. Manet also expressed interest in showcasing local Subway Sandwich artists work with submarine delicacies.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dehydrated Dickie Dee Guy Eats Last Spacecicle Leaving Only Phantoms

Gladstone Ave. - The joyous sounds of jingling bells were silenced Saturday afternoon when long time Dickie Dee employee Herb Longley was terminated for consuming the last Spacecicle leaving only Phantom iced treats left in the wheeled cooler.

With Saturday's daytime temperature reaching 36 degrees with the humidex,
Longley was near exhaustion from peddling his 450 pound
cart up Gladstone Avenue when he decided to break company protocol and cool himself down with a Spacesicle iced treat from the cart's inventory. Unbeknownst to Longley, this was the last treat in the cooler other than the "Phantom" treats. The least favourite of all iced treats, the Phantom's purple coating with gumball eyes is only enjoyed by those who have to purchase it because nothing else is available. Before passing out from the heat, the popular Spacecicle provided Longley with enough energy to make it to Preston Street where he was stopped by Regional Supervisor Greg Harrington, who inspected Longley's cart to find it containing only Phantoms.

"This is a complete breach of Dickie Dee policy. No server is allowed to help themselves to the products in their cooler, regardless of the temperature." exclaimed Harrington, who fired Longley on the spot. Longley was devastated by the hasty termination and stated "I was so hot and dehydrated, I really couldn't resist the Spaceicle with its tri-colors." Longley reported he made a record $12.57 that day and will be hard pressed to find another job that will provide as much income.

Longley was relieved from duty immediately and his cart containing only the Phantom iced treats was trailered and taken to the Dickie Dee regional warehouse where it was re-stocked with new treats for Sunday service.

City Approves Gateway Arch For Westboro

- Ottawa City Council unanimously voted in favour of yet another community gateway arch to be constructed this time in Westboro.

Complementing the already constructed "Little Italy" arch that crosses Preston Street, and the soon to be completed "Chinatown" arch on Somerset, the new Westboro arch will span Richmond Road at Kirkwood Avenue..

"This arch will welcome visitors to our unique community here in the West End," exclaimed Westboro Improvement Group president Linda Noyles, who envisions the arch to be completed for next year's WESTFEST event. "Construction begins in April 2011 so I think we should have it ready for WestFest" beamed Noyles who has been proposing a special Westboro arch to City Council for years. "Finally we now have our own gateway!" laughed Noyles who can't wait to drive under the gate in her Lexus SUV on her way to yoga next year.

Plans for the special arch include a 30 foot illuminated sign that represents the dynamic and prevalent culture and lifestyle of the community residents. Materials for the arch will be eco-friendly and utilize fair-trade sources. "The arch will be made out of sustainable bamboo from a village outside of Taipei, and will be solar powered with a biodegradable foundation made out of recycled Bridgehead cups." stated arch engineer Hugh Treskin, who spent two years in Tibet learning the art of all-natural arch construction.

It is estimated that over 300 full size import SUV's, 400 white single moms with strollers, 500 young-high-income-professionals, and 250 outdoorsy types will pass under the arch each day. "This is great news," exclaimed Golden Ave. resident Sheila Potter, "This arch will really bring the community of Westboro together and let visitors know what we are all about."

Monday, August 9, 2010

Wedding Ruined By Brother-In-Law Wearing Flip Flops

Strathmere- Approximately 150 friends, family and well wishers attending the much anticipated Garner-Kealey Wedding were devastated to have their special day ruined by the brother-in-law of the bride, Doug Kealey, a known goof, who attended the formal event wearing casual footwear. The bride, Shauna Garner quickly broke into tears when she saw her brother-in-law enter the ceremony wearing his favourite flip flops along with his ill-fitting suit. "The invitation clearly stated this was a formal dress attire event, and then that jack-ass shows up in flip flops?" sobbed Garner, who had carefully planned every aspect of the wedding for over 15 months.

The exclusive wedding ceremony took place on the grounds of the picturesque Strathmere Estate, with a wonderful custom made white lattice arch, toddler girls in cute dresses carrying baskets of flower petals that were strewn along the path, and a catered dinner with glazed carrots, chicken or beef and a three tier cake.

"The wedding is completely ruined in my mind" stated Kelly Jenkins, a bridesmaid who was one of many shocked by the appearance of Doug in the flip flops. "He knew how important this wedding was to Jenny and how she planned it to be a perfect day. He is such a an uncaring jerk to do this to her." When asked why he chose to wear the flip flops, Doug replied "Hey man, I want to be comfortable and show that I'm a laid back kind of guy." Also stating he was hoping to score the attention of some female attendees at the wedding with his "laid back style" Doug Kearney's plan was quickly shattered when the DJ played Red Red Wine by UB40. "I was trying out a a new dance move I perfected at the office Christmas party but I slipped and herniated a disc".

Thursday, August 5, 2010

New Ikea Store Delayed; Missing Allen Key Blamed

Pinecrest Mall- Thousands of Ottawa area college students, young professionals, divorcees, and design savvy citizens were disappointed to learn of news that the assembly of the new Ikea store will be delayed for six months. The disparaging news comes after the giant cardbaord box containing the new store was opened and it was discovered that the oversized allen key needed to assemble the new store was missing.

"That allen key is crucial to the assembly process and we can't begin construction until we have it." stated Project Supervisor Gil Vandervoort who is in charge of Canada's soon-to-be largest Ikea store. The missing allen key was an apparent oversight on behalf of the factory in Sweden who made the 400,000 square foot particle board building and packaged it efficiently in a large cardboard box along with 2 million screws, 45,000 washers and 7,500 unaccounted for pieces that have no apparent use.

"We are making every possible effort to get that allen key. I have been informed they have loaded another key on a flatbed truck so it should arrive in the next few weeks." explained Vandervoort who waited in line at Customer Service for over 57 minutes while a family returned their scratched Billy bookcase ahead of him.

Customers in the meantime are asked to remain patient and continue to enjoy the 3km walk across the crowded parking lot to the current store and herd themselves towards affordably priced household items.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Ottawa Celebrates Opening Of 786th Irish Pub

Kanata Centrum- Residents of the Ottawa area were treated yet again to the festive grand opening of a "traditional Irish Pub" on Synergy Drive, just west of the Kanata Syntrex Plaza.
The opening of "Danny McShanigans" marked the 786th Irish pub to open in the Ottawa area, and plans are underway for about 54 more to open in 2011.

"Folks just love the Irish hospitality the pub offers its customers" explained McShanigans manager Hasalm Mhaffi amongst the raucous crowd at the grand opening Thursday night.
Mhaffi noted that his pub will be unique in that it will offer patrons a carefully applied selection of eclectic memorabilia nailed to the walls, over 10 beers from Ontario on tap, 13 different fried appetizers including nachos, and of course live music every Friday and Saturday night. Customers will also be amused by the bathrooms that already have the stall doors ripped off their hinges and a serving staff that wear the latest Irish mini-skirts.

"It's great," exclaimed local patron Kevin Merton who works around the corner at CirosNet, "After a tough morning at the office we all come down here and let our hair down at lunch and get a pitcher of Coor's Light and a taste of Ireland before swiping back into work again at 2pm."

Danny McShanigans also offers free parking and is conveniently located next to Boston Pizza and East Side Mario's.