Sunday, June 26, 2011

Westboro Toddler Conquers Everest

Westboro - Lasandra and Erill Chatsworth congratulated their over-acheiving and parentally pressured son Kyae by satellite phone yesterday morning after he reached the summit of Mount Everest. Kyae, aged four, decided to tackle Everest after being prompted by his Tantric Yoga instructor who saw potential in the toddler and spoke with his parents about the possibility of him climbing Everest. "Children need to experience these momentous achievements as a part of their spiritual growth." explained Nadia Lamont, Kyae's yoga and life coach. "His parents want him to be the best at everything, and by tackling Everest I think it will do wonders for his chances at getting into Churchill Alternative School." remarked Lamont.

Kyae, who was labelled "gifted" at age one after he ran his first 5K marathon, has been pressured to excel in numerous activities by his hovering parents Lasandra and Erill. "We don't let him play with any toys because they only stereotype a child into being inferior to adults." replied Erill, 32. "We want a nurturing and progressive environment for our Kyae who we have always encouraged to never fail."

Traversing the deadly slopes of Everest, Kyae managed to reach the peak in 7 days with the assistance of two Sherpas and the sponsorship of Westboro Kids Clothing and Lululemon Kids. After only a small incident where his diaper became frozen, Kyae managed to reach the peak unassisted and without oxygen. Kyae was too frostbitten around his face to say much on the cell phone but looks forward to coming home where his parents are planning to take him to Machu Picchu where they will celebrate his accomplishment after he completes a kayaking course.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

UPS Delivery Guys Update Uniform With Brown Speedos For Warm Weather

Ottawa - Now that the hot weather has hit the region, UPS Delivery has updated its warm weather uniform to make conditions more comfortable for its employees. The previous brown shorts have been replaced with even shorter and cooler "Speedo" type shorts that will allow employees to make their deliveries with comfort and ease. Most UPS Delivery personnel enjoy the freedom to wear shorts in summer while on the job, and now with the introduction of the brown Speedos, it should bring employee satisfaction to a whole new level. The new uniforms will be phased in throughout the summer with most UPS guys wearing them by mid-July.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Guy At Campfire Pulls Out The Damn Guitar Again

Sharbot Lake - A collective groan was heard late Wednesday night when the Teva sandal clad Kevin Newbury pulled out his god-forsaken guitar once again around the campfire at a cottage party on Sharbot Lake. Known for pulling out his acoustic guitar from behind his lawn chair after a few beers, Newbury tortured those around the once delightful campfire with out-of-tune and poorly executed versions of Pearl Jam, Billy Joel and Tragically Hip songs.

Cringing at the prospect of Newbury monopolizing the campfire once again, some people got up and politely announced that "they were tired" and "going to bed". The departure of half the group did not seem to deter Newbury however, as he broke into a terribly off key version of "Fifty Mission Cap" by the Tragically Hip. Hoping to impress the female members of the campfire group with his musical abilities, some intoxicated girls shouted out requests for Billy Joel from which Newbury attempted to strum his own version of "Piano Man".

Derek Lidcomb was one of the members who left the fire early and headed to the cottage before Newbury started his guitar playing. "That guy always brings out his f---ing guitar every time we're up here and no one but the really drunk people can stand it." Lidcomb remarked. "We never see the guitar until it's too late...I don't know where he keeps the thing, he just seems to make it magically appear and then you are trapped listening to him butcher songs by the Beatles and Cat Stevens." Lidcomb replied before heading to the cottage.

Newbury, a Level 4 director at Stats Can has no musical training, but somehow has been able to use his self taught guitar abilities to entertain campfire groups for the last 5 years. Usually mild mannered and quiet, Newbury breaks out his guitar after a few drinks in hopes of attracting a mate with his off-pitch and beer fuelled ballads.

Cirque Du Soliel Launches Highly Anticipated Sol The Clown Show

Montreal - The wacky, but educational antics of the hobo clown, Sol, will now be immortalized through the latest show the award winning Cirque Du Soliel production group this summer. After the conclusion of the popular "Quidam" and "Michael Jackson Immortal" tours, the Sol the Clown show will take to the stage with a dizzying array of acrobatics, costumed dancers, people on stilts and bizarre puppetry.

"Sol the Hobo Clown has long been a symbol of French education and learning." remarked Cirque Du Soliel Promotional Manager Guy LeBoix who spearheaded the Sol production when it began last spring. "Many will remember Sol bringing us hilarious sketches that taught us how to speak French through his goofy pratfalls and situational comedy." LeBoix explained. "Like the Michael Jackson show and the more recent Quidam, Cirque hopes to recreate that magic that influenced so many school children."

Sol brought confusion and smiles to many young students as a hobo clown who handily deconstructs the French language, to the amusement of adults as well as toddlers. Cirque Du Soliel will bring Sol to life on stage through interactive light shows, absolutely bizarre costumes, nightmarish choreography and of course a dizzying and engaging soundtrack that will harness the energy and wackiness of the long running Sol The Clown television program. The show will open in Montreal and follow in cities across North America that include Toronto, Ottawa, Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver and Halifax. LeBoix hopes Sol will be yet another hit for the production company that has risen to global fame as a circus of surreal imagery entertainment. "Sol will be brought to life in a a whole new way." Leboix stated. "The stilt walkers have been practicing day and night to capture Sol's visual genius so I think fans will not be disappointed."

Friday, June 17, 2011

City Beaches Open, Then Close Due To Sea Monkeys

Ottawa - The area's beaches were opened today, but hastily closed ten minutes later after health officials found large concentrations of Sea Monkeys in the water. Known for their joyful frolicking and aquatic tricks, the mischievous Sea Monkeys were deemed to much of a health hazard after a toddler at Westboro beach began choking on the rambunctious creatures after a swim. "We think it's best the city closes all the beaches after we found the Sea Monkey count to be above safe levels." exclaimed Ottawa Public Health Officer Mike Frommer. Water quality is usually compromised by high levels of E.Coli bacteria, but this is the first time all 5 area beaches have been closed due to the Sea Monkey contamination. "Children are especially susceptible to ingesting the Sea Monkeys who like to swim into the mouths or other orifices." Frommer stated. "The City is looking into culling the Sea Monkeys this weekend so beaches should be open again by Monday."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

New Condos Planned For Gap In Between Two Condos

Westboro- Trendy Westboro will be welcoming yet another hip condo development in the space that exists between two current condos along Richmond Rd. Hailed by known developer Domicile as "innovative" this 14 story building will boast "loft inspired living close to lattes, leisure and life".

Controversial for its planned space, the 200 square foot units will be offered for sale next month in a grand opening ceremony with prices starting in the low 200's.

"We saw potential in the alley between the two condos that exist already and knew there would be demand for such a location." stated Domicile head Reggie Leach. "Even though it's only 5 feet wide, we think we can offer a trendy, hip abode for today's active professional."

The condos planned completion will be March 2012 and bring the total number of Westboro condo developments to 178 along the popular stretch of Richmond Rd.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Shitbox Magically Transformed With $3000 Chrome Rims And A Giant Spolier

Ottawa - A complete shitbox of a car was magically transformed into what apparently is a "sick ride" after owner Renee Leneaux added a set of $3000 chrome rims and a spoiler to the vehicle. Valued at only $300 before the modifications were made, the 1991 Festiva jumped in value to at least $900 after the addition of spoiler and chrome wheels. Leneaux, a resident of Gatineau, spent his last paycheque entirely on modifying his car that was given to him by an ex-girlfriend. "The rims were the first thing I got to make it really sick." Leneaux explained. "Then I got the spoiler that makes it go fast." he remarked.

Almost ready for the scrap heap, Leneaux single-handedly saved the ailing Festiva from certain doom by adding the over $3500 worth of new parts to the $300 car. "Now I can really hit the streets and get respect from my buddies in their Neons." Leneaux exclaimed. Future plans for the Festiva also include under-lighting, a huge loud exhaust tail pipe, and one of those stickers in the rear window that have Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo. Window tinting is also in the plans, but may have to be delayed until next fall when his new girlfriend finally has the baby.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Area Woman Readies Wacky Jester Hat For Westfest

Westboro - Reaching new levels of hilarity, Westboro resident Lois Walnitz, 44, has dusted off her wacky jester hat to wear at this weekend's popular Westfest event. A standard piece of apparel for all festival events, Walnitz admits the hat brings out her goofy side, and may even have her dancing out of rhythm in front of a lawn chair at the outdoor concert Friday night. "I really go nuts I guess when I put on this hilarious hat." Walnitz explained. "Unfortunately my job at Agriculture Canada does not allow me to wear this hat, so I really look forward to these festivals where I can cut loose and bring smiles to those around me."

Purchased on a whim last year at a Renaissance Fair in Syracuse, New York, Walnitz is anticipating lots of laughs and comments on her headpiece which she says is a real conversation piece when she attends various outdoor concert events. "Bluesfest is a fun place to wear this hat too, but I find Westfest has more people my age sharing in the absolute hilarity of this jester hat, and sometimes a bunch of us wearing these hats get together and start swaying back and forth to the music in front of our lawn chairs during a musical performance." Walnitz admitted.

Emblazoned with colourful fabric and jingling bells, the insanely goofy jester hat should bring out the wild side of Walnitz who plans to have a couple Woody's Grapefruit Coolers, which makes her cackle laugh annoyingly. "My kids hate it when I wear the hat," Walnitz remarked. "They get embarrassed and look forward to the face painting so know one will recognize them."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Stanley The Kitten In Trouble For Sign Stunt

Ottawa - Prime Minister Stephen Harper's newly adopted kitten Stanley was in trouble early Tuesday morning after a rebellious stunt was captured on video during a press conference at 24 Sussex Drive. "Stanley", the adopted kitten from the Ottawa Humane Society, was hastily removed after he held up a homemade "Stop Harper" sign while members of the press were trying to photograph the kitten. Security guards swiftly removed Stanley from the room and the remainder of the press conference was cancelled.

The bold move by the kitten was an apparent protest against his new owner, and he now faces disciplinary action which includes no milk or soft food for one month. A replacement kitten was quickly found at the local animal shelter however, and was warmly welcomed into the Harper family later in the day. Dubbed "Bairdsy", the new kitten seemed to have less of a rebellious nature and was reportedly playing nicely with the family's other cat, Cheddar.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Ottawa Mildly Excited About Yet Another Festival

Ottawa - With somewhat limited excitement, FestFest is gearing up to be the 57th consecutive festival being held in Ottawa this summer. Following on the heels of the Hot Air Balloon Festival, Festfest hopes to appeal to crowds who want to celebrate festivals, with a festival.

Festfest organizer Nancy Lorman explains, "We really wanted to hold a festival that offers particpants a chance to celebrate festivals through seminars about festivals, festival workshops, and meeting organizers of all the various festivals." Lorman also noted that Festfest will appeal to not only those who want to go to a festival about festivals, but also for those who want to get sunburned in a field full of drunk and/or stoned people. "We'll have a beer tent, grease filled concession stands, and vendors selling the popular glow sticks and t-shirts." Lorman emphasized.

Festfest is also showcasing live music, with "Trooper", "April Wine" and Ottawa's own "Disco Inferno" in addition to some other bands that constantly play outdoor festivals. Held at Lebreton Flats, the grassy field where the event will take place is still trampled, brown and stained from the previous festival last week, but Lorman is confident it may be green in time for opening night September 10. Festfest runs for 7 days, from 8am to 11pm each day and will most likely cause traffic delays in the area. Festfest passes and tickets are available at all Capital Ticket outlets and range in price from $27.50-99.99.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Area Hipsters Gentrify Hintonburg Dumpster Into Coffee Shop

Hintonburg - The up and coming neighbourhood of Hintonburg was further gentrified last week when local hipsters successfully transformed a dumpster into a bustling cafe. Previously a stench and maggot infested garbage receptacle behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Wellington Street, the innovative hipsters sporting oversized, chunky, plastic framed eyewear and tight fitting clothes, renovated the dumpster into a trendy new cafe that also sells used records and vintage clothing.

The dumpster to coffee shop gentrification was spearheaded by Kaylee Herdforth, a 26 year old hipster who moved into the Hintonburg neighbourhood last year. "This area is just perfect for creating new hip and trendy businesses that will draw more of my kind into the neighbourhood." Herdforth explained. "The dumpster project was challenging, but I think local hipsters will enjoy listening to their iPods and grabbing a chai latte here now."

Herdforth transformed the dumpster into a walk up cafe with partner Val Morton, who previously had experience gentrifying other neighbourhoods by opening up American Apparel and vintage clothing stores in other downtown areas. Morton predicts the cafe, dubbed "Dumpster For Hipster" will do well in the burgeoning neighbourhood of Hintonburg. "We already have an Apple Store, a couple vintage record shops and a Pho restaurant, so a dumpster cafe seemed like the right fit." The cafe also offers customers an array of vintage clothing that fits too tightly, old records and turntables, and coming this fall, a liquor licence that only allows the owners to serve Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in cans.

"Dumpster For Hipster" cafe is located behind the Elmdale Tavern and offers free wi-fi and discounts for customers wearing Afghani-style neck scarves and vintage foam and mesh hats.