Sunday, April 28, 2013

C.H.U.Ds Weigh In On LRT Tunneling Plans

A CHUD listens to Mayor Jim Watson discuss the new LRT tunnel plans

Ottawa - The City Of Ottawa heard the Cannibalistic Human Underground Dwellers (CHUDs) concerns Thursday as they look to tunnel under the city for the proposed Light Rail Transit line.

More than 28 CHUDs packed into Ottawa’s city council chambers for a light rail open house that night. It came a few days after the city announced its plans to tunnel underneath the city beginning in the west near Westboro, and then under the downtown core that could disrupt the secretive, but balanced lives of the many CHUDs that live underground in a complex system of tunnels built to prey on unsuspecting residents.

CHUD Craxus studies the tunnel route that runs into their underground lairs.
Many CHUDs along the proposed route said they’re concerned about noise, vibration, access to the sewers and even how it may affect their nocturnal feeding habits on human flesh. Some of the CHUDs who live under the city said they could think of a compromise — tunneling deeper so the LRT route bypasses their world of secret tunnels that they use to exist and feed their voracious appetite for blood.

“We need to find a better way to tunnel under the city that doesn't ruin the carnivorous lifestyle we've grown accustomed to.” said CHUD Lorzar.

“Maybe they can dig the tunnels a little deeper so our night time feeding hatches aren't affected." 

CHUD Craxus also lives in the tunnels and said he’d prefer to take the tunnels away from their habitation areas and maybe put them above ground away from the CHUD network.

“We live a very confined and quiet life underground feeding on human flesh, and these train tunnels are going to disrupt not only our lives, but the lives of our CHUDlings who growing up learning to feed.” he said.

Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said the city has been co-existing with the CHUDs for many years, and it does seem unfair to disrupt their maniacal underground lairs but sees the plan as one that can be negotiated to provide benefits to both parties. 

"The CHUDs have been living underground for almost a hundred years, so we want to work with them to ensure they can continue to prey on us from their historic underground lairs, but we also want to make sure the city can build an efficient LRT route that will benefit us all." said Watson

CHUDs will convene June 6 to discuss a contingency plan if their underground world is compromised by the planned LRT route.