Monday, September 23, 2013

Matte Black Paint Finish Dramatically Reduces Glare For Drivers With White Sunglasses: Study

A driver with white sunglasses in his older model matte black Honda Civic.
White sunglasses.
Ottawa - After a sixteen month study into the effects of glare onto men's white sunglasses it was determined that a matte black paint finish can reduce driver glare by up to 75%. Conducted by the National Research Council Bro Labs, the in-depth study proves that a driver who spray paints their older model Civic, Acura or other vehicle makes with a matte black paint can expect to reduce the blinding glare from the sun. 

A popular trend in automotive finishes, the matte black paint was also found to create a "stealth" like radar signature that makes it almost invisible to ordinary citizens who may have been drawn to the car's custom exhaust, 20inch chrome wheels or intense subwoofer. 

The sun's glare is reduced by up to 75% on white sunglasses.
White sunglasses, which are popular with many of the drivers of the matte black painted vehicles, also showed an increased efficiency in attracting the female species when used in conjunction with one another. The study, which tested over 300 vehicles and their drivers illustrated that the two need to be combined for the most optimal results. NRC officials also stated the matte black finish does not apply to Jeep Wranglers because they already have been engineered to work well with the white sunglasses.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Employee Brings Lunch In No Less Than 28 Separate Tupperware Containers

Miriam Tanner, 34, with her 30 or so Tupperware lunch containers.

Ottawa - An employee of Synth-tec Creative Strategies on Slater St. continues to bring her lunch from home in at least 28 separate Tupperware containers every single day. The assortment of Tupperware contains a complete selection of food items that range from leftover Chinese food, to salads, to apple sauce and nuts. Miriam Tanner, 34, a level 4 production manager who has been with Synth-tec Creative Strategies since 2007, brings her assorted Tupperware containers in a reusable crate that she also uses to carry home the multitude of containers each evening when she returns home.

Some of Tanner's empty lunch containers at her desk.
Also noted for bringing a variety of aromatic dishes to work, Tanner hopes others do the same and eliminate lunch-time waste by using reusable Tupperware containers. "I like to bring everything I might need for a balanced lunch in its own separate container." says Tanner, who spends 2 hours each night preparing her lunch to bring to work the next day. "I even have containers for salt, salad dressing, croutons, and even a small one for pickles and olives." Tanner explains.

On occasion the tower of Tupperware at Tanner's cubicle desk topples over, spewing containers into the work area, sometimes injuring other employees. Once Tanner forgot her Tupperware containers over a weekend due to being on NeoCitran and mould formed inside the 30 or so containers left behind over the 72 hour period. "I washed them out and they were fine." remarks Tanner who also puts gum in separate Tupperware container. "It stays fresher that way."

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Soft Rock Cafe To Replace Hard Rock Cafe in Byward Market

A new "Soft Rock Cafe" is replacing the old Hard Rock Cafe in the market this October. 

Ottawa - After 17 years as a ByWard Market icon, the Hard Rock Cafe will close its doors and be replaced by an all new "Soft Rock Cafe" which will open October 1. 

Stevie Nicks' cape from a 2004 concert
will be featured in the decor.
Curly Fries mimicking Kenny G's hair is a menu item.
Management of the Ottawa location confirmed that they will be replaced with a new theme restaurant that will focus on soft rock and a more soothing dining environment. The Hard Rock Cafe which first opened in the Byward market in 1998, will be remembered for it's rock and roll theme, with many curious objects related to that musical genre adorning its walls. Guitars, microphones, concert apparel and other whimsical and historical musical memorabilia were all part of the Hard Rock dining experience.

Kenny G's clarinet
will be featured.
With the opening of the new Soft Rock Cafe, the same theme will be carried on, but focusing on the the more relaxed, soothing musical genre of Soft Rock. The new restaurant's general manager Doug Leighton calls the adjustment a "New and fresh approach to relaxed dining." Having been a former DJ with Ottawa's various soft music stations, Leighton hopes to capture the soft rock experience that is so popular within Ottawa culture. "With most of Ottawa tuning in to stations's like Majic100 and other soft rock radio, we thought a Soft Rock Cafe was a logical replacement restaurant." says Leighton, who has spent the summer collecting various soft rock memorabilia to decorate the new restaurant. Musical items that will decorate the Soft Rock Cafe's walls include Kenny G's comforting clarinet and Stevie Nicks' cape she wore during a Fleetwood Mac comeback concert in 2004.

Slated to open October 1, Leighton hopes a whole new customer base will support the Soft Rock cafe and enjoy its dim lighting, soothing sounds and comfortable seating. Special menu items to match the restaurant theme include "Courvoisier Glazed Meatloaf" and "Kenny G's Spiral Fries" that mimic the soft rock icon's trademark hair.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Government Employee Wears Bike Helmet, ID Badge Everywhere

Emily Rottman never removes her bike helmet.
Ottawa - An area woman is still wearing her bike helmet even though she has been off her bike for hours and is going about her daily routine. Emily Rottman, 46, a Level 3 analyst for some Government Office was spotted parking her bike downtown after a commute in from the Glebe. Heading to her office cubicle, Rottman did not remove her helmet, and continued to never remove her helmet all day. 

Going about her daily work routine of attending meetings, Rottman never once thought it was odd that she continued to wear a bike helmet around even though she was no where near a bike. The helmeted government employee continued to eat lunch, and make some copies, all the while still wearing her bike helmet adorned with lights and a projecting rear view mirror.
Rottman out on a date with the bike helmet.

Even attending a wedding, the helmet stays on.
When asked about the helmet, Rottman replied "I just can't be bothered, since I will be on my bike again soon anyway." The helmet continued to be worn after commuting home from work, and even when on a dinner date at a local vegan restaurant. Rottman continued to also wear her laminated government ID badge the entire time outside the office. "The ID badge and helmet are all part of a lifestyle I like to live, and they both seem to compliment each other." Said Rottman, who also wore her laminated government ID badge and bike helmet to her niece's wedding this past weekend. "It was a wonderful outdoor wedding that I biked to and I really enjoyed being a part of all the wedding photos." stated Rottman, who also admitted she wears her helmet and ID badge to bed. "It's a comfort thing, and I find they both allow me to show the world who I am as a person." 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

C.H.U.Ds Weigh In On LRT Tunneling Plans

A CHUD listens to Mayor Jim Watson discuss the new LRT tunnel plans

Ottawa - The City Of Ottawa heard the Cannibalistic Human Underground Dwellers (CHUDs) concerns Thursday as they look to tunnel under the city for the proposed Light Rail Transit line.

More than 28 CHUDs packed into Ottawa’s city council chambers for a light rail open house that night. It came a few days after the city announced its plans to tunnel underneath the city beginning in the west near Westboro, and then under the downtown core that could disrupt the secretive, but balanced lives of the many CHUDs that live underground in a complex system of tunnels built to prey on unsuspecting residents.

CHUD Craxus studies the tunnel route that runs into their underground lairs.
Many CHUDs along the proposed route said they’re concerned about noise, vibration, access to the sewers and even how it may affect their nocturnal feeding habits on human flesh. Some of the CHUDs who live under the city said they could think of a compromise — tunneling deeper so the LRT route bypasses their world of secret tunnels that they use to exist and feed their voracious appetite for blood.

“We need to find a better way to tunnel under the city that doesn't ruin the carnivorous lifestyle we've grown accustomed to.” said CHUD Lorzar.

“Maybe they can dig the tunnels a little deeper so our night time feeding hatches aren't affected." 

CHUD Craxus also lives in the tunnels and said he’d prefer to take the tunnels away from their habitation areas and maybe put them above ground away from the CHUD network.

“We live a very confined and quiet life underground feeding on human flesh, and these train tunnels are going to disrupt not only our lives, but the lives of our CHUDlings who growing up learning to feed.” he said.

Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said the city has been co-existing with the CHUDs for many years, and it does seem unfair to disrupt their maniacal underground lairs but sees the plan as one that can be negotiated to provide benefits to both parties. 

"The CHUDs have been living underground for almost a hundred years, so we want to work with them to ensure they can continue to prey on us from their historic underground lairs, but we also want to make sure the city can build an efficient LRT route that will benefit us all." said Watson

CHUDs will convene June 6 to discuss a contingency plan if their underground world is compromised by the planned LRT route.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Area Restaurant Offers Convenient Two Hour Wait For Weekend Breakfast

Hungry customers line up for a convenient 2hour wait.
Ottawa - Hoping to cash in on the popular weekend "brunch" crowd, a local restaurant is offering a favourable 2 hour wait time for hungry customers. With throngs of hungover twenty-year-olds eager to sample creatively prepared breakfast dishes in a quirky atmosphere of bad acoustics, exposed brick walls, and ventilation pipes, Pinched Loaf Bakery in Hintonburg is answering the call with faster wait times and less line-ups.

Typical wait times for artisan style restaurant brunch spots are in the 3-4 hour wait range, but Pinched Loaf Bakery is getting their handcrafted egg concoctions to people faster by using a cafeteria style method of serving similar to Ikea. Special advance seating can also be arranged online, and Pinched Loaf also has a Stand and Eat section for those that don't mind not being able to sit down.

Restaurant owner Mike Hardlow hopes his 2 hour wait will free up some time for customers who would rather be doing other things on a Saturday or Sunday morning, like waiting in line at a Bridgehead, Ikea, or at the Apple Store. "We offer a very convenient wait time, and with our free Wi-Fi, customers in line can surf the web, Skype with other friends in the line-up or even take advantage of our free while-you-wait beard trimming service." explained Hardlow.

Brunch patron Kyle Nelden, 24, enjoying some pan seared whisked discs
after waiting only 2 hours for a table.
Pinched Loaf Bakery specializes in artisan style foods with whimsical alternative names for menu items such as "Pan Seared Whisked Discs" (pancakes) and "Agitated De-shelled Bird Capsules With Pork Shingles" (scrambled eggs and bacon). Hardlow gained notoriety with Ottawa bread buffs by serving his artisan style bread that he makes fresh each day at 2am from a recipe given to him by a renowned bread artist while he worked in a bread gallery inside a cave near Bordeaux, France.

Customers seem to enjoy the reduced wait time at Pinched Loaf and expressed excitement at the fact they'd receive their artisan breakfast sooner. "Our weekend is not complete without spending at least two hours in some kind of line-up, so this place works out well for us." said Fuscia Meeks, 23, who likes to spend her weekends brunching with her friends that are visiting from out of town. "Pretty much every weekend I have someone crashing at my place so I really enjoy coming here and standing in line with them and talking about how crazy our night before was." Meeks explained. "A 2 hour wait AND a $24 plate of bacon and eggs is all part of our perfect weekend experience."

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Bridgehead Launches "Lick Up The Latte" Contest

Ottawa - Local coffee giant Bridgehead officially launched their own coffee shop contest to compete with Tim Horton's highly popular "Roll Up The Rim" contest. Called "Lick Up The Latte", coffee customers will have a chance to win an assortment of fairly won prizes that include yoga lessons, baby strollers beard trimmings, and even the grand prize of an all expense paid trip to Machu Pichhu.

Similar to Tim Horton's contest in which customers order a coffee to receive a game play cup, Bridgehead will offer special lattes in which the latte foam will reveal if the customer is a winner or not. Baristas in the Bridgehead dispense an unknown contest foam into the cup where the special foam powder reveals a design that indicates if the customer is a winner or not.

Bridgehead President Of Marketing Frank Durrell says the contest will hopefully give coffee drinkers in the Ottawa area an alternative to Tim Horton's widely popular Roll Up The Rim contest. "We put our beards together on this one and think Lick Up The Latte will be a huge success with our loyal, and new customers alike." says Durrell. The contest closes April 23 when the grand prize to Machu Picchu will be awarded.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Peter Mansbridge To Become New Pope

CBC's Peter Mansbridge will be appointed as Pope Peter X
The Vatican - The papal conclave finalized plans today to appoint CBC News Anchor Peter Mansbridge as the successor to Pope Benedict XVI after a unanimous cardinal voting session within the Sistine Chapel. Mansbridge will be ordained as Pope Peter X in a papal ceremony later this week after the Vatican Clothier outfits Mansbridge in his new Pope clothes and hat.

The decision to appoint Mansbridge came after his exclusive interviews with various cardinals within the papal conclave this week, where his Canadian charm and easy going, but hard-hitting questions commanded the respect of all cardinals in the conclave. Cardinals also cited Mansbridge fit the bill with regards to appearance and stature, stating his looks "fit the bill well as the new Pope".

As the new pontiff, Mansbridge will retire from the CBC where he has been chief correspondent for CBC News and host of the popular program The National. Pope Peter X will then be ceremoniously sworn in as the new Pope at The Vatican as early as next week.

Canadian Cardinal Ouellet, who Mansbridge exclusively interviewed on CBC News, wishes the new pontiff well, and thinks Mansbridge will make a good Pope. "Peter is well suited to being Pope, his looks alone carry him far, but his hard-hitting questions about faith and religion and his congenial behaviour are what I think secured him the vote from the entire conclave." Ouellet remarked.

Other cardinals were less optimistic and cited that the Mansbridge appointment was a clerical error from within the conclave. "You put a pile of 80 year old men together in a room for days, there's bound to be some clerical errors, and I'm not saying Mansbridge shouldn't be the new Pope, I'm just saying I think we goofed up somehow." commented Cardinal Karl Lehmann from Germany. "We really don't know what happened in there because we burnt some stuff in the little oven by accident, so let's just roll with it and see what happens." Lehmann remarked.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

McDonald's Denies Claims Shamrock Shakes Contain Leprechaun Meat

Ottawa - The Canadian Food inspection Agency is undergoing an investigation into claims that McDonald's restaurants have been using leprechaun meat in the production of their popular Shamrock Shakes dessert beverages. The lime green,  creamy beverage has been enjoyed by countless customers across North america and has been under scrutiny lately after an investigation revealed there may be traces of small, Irish gnome creatures in their mixture.

Canadian Food Inspection Agency spokesperson, Linda Smail answered questions from the media about their investigation into the leprechaun claims, citing customers reporting a distinct "Irish odour" in the beverage and that the Shamrock Shake had an unusually "meaty" consistency.

Enjoyed by many McDonald's customers in the weeks leading up to St. Patrick's Day, the Shamrock Shake was discontinued in the 1990's until 2011 when it made a combeack. The original recipe contained mint, ice cream and green food colouring, but more recently, traces of leprechaun have been detected after one customer reported a miniature buckled shoe in her Shamrock Shake.

McDonald's spokesperson David Grayson says the claims of Leprechaun meat in the Shamrock Shakes is unsubstantiated and hopes customers will still continue to enjoy the delicious, minty green ice cream treats. "Every Shamrock Shake has a bit of Irish in it, that's why we're called McDonald's and not MacDonald's".

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Home Depot Tests New Fuchsia Colour Scheme

Area Home Depot stores are testing a new vibrant fuchsia colour scheme.
Ottawa - In an attempt to lure more female customers to their business, Home Depot began market testing their new fuchsia colour scheme on select Home Depot outlets in the Ottawa area this week. The bold new colour scheme that will replace the standard construction orange hue, will hopefully appeal to the growing female demographic with its vibrant, zesty,  purply pink hue.

Francine Helmsly, Home Depot Director of Marketing And Promotions, describes the new colour scheme as a departure from the standard man-centric orange hue, but thinks the new colour scheme will appeal to the growing female do-it yourselfer demographic. "We're seeing more and more ladies strapping on a tool belt, so we wanted to reach out and capture the essence of bridging the gap between the typical man oriented store we've become known for." Helmsly described. 

Area Ottawa Home Depot stores have undergone extensive repainting of their typical orange colour schemes to the new fuchsia colours over the last two weeks and expect favourable reactions from customers. "We think both burly construction workers/contractors and female home improvers will enjoy our new colours and continue to make Home Depot an important part of their home improvements." said Helmsly.

Monday, February 11, 2013

New Hands Free Car Finally Allows Hands On Phone Calls

Ottawa - Drivers annoyed they can't make hands on phone calls will be pleased to know a new hands free car will be released that will make their phone calling abilities that much easier. Eliminating the need to utilize their hands for driving the vehicle, drivers are now free to use their hands to make phone calls, check emails or send text messages on their cellular devices. Once a pesky and hindering problem, the new Chevy "Freedom" makes it possible to operate a cell phone while the car drives itself using computer and satellite guidance systems.

The new hands free car allows drivers to now use their cell
phones constantly while driving.
Drivers and mobile phone companies alike are already embracing the new hands free car technology and hail it as a "breakthrough in allowing cell phone users to constantly be on their phones." Using a technology developed at Kanata's SynTechergy, the Freedom car uses a satellite GPS technology that steers and controls the car after a destination has been pre-programmed into the navigation system.

Once programmed, the car guides itself through traffic and frees the driver to make important calls to BFFs, kids, or send racy texts to important recipients without the distraction of having to drive a vehicle. An override option allows drivers to opt for the hands on experience of driving the car once their texts, phone or email messaging has been completed.

Freedom car Product Manager Harold Chestle believes they have developeda car that will put cell phones back in the hands of drivers, eliminating the withdrawl symptoms most cell phone users experience when having to turn off their phones while driving. "No one wants to be without a minute of connection time, and the Freedom makes sure you can be connected at all times." Chestle remarked. Prouction of the new Freedom car begins in March with showroom delivery expected in early April.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Aging Snowbirds Aerobatic Team To Be Replaced With Unmanned Drones

Newly acquired drone aircraft will replace the Snowbirds aerobatic team
in 2015 using a pre-programmed computer flight demonstration.

OTTAWA — The Canadian Forces is planning to purchase a new fleet of unmanned drone aircraft to replace its aging Snowbirds aerobatics team, according to recent DND documents.  The Snowbirds will need new planes by 2015 and it has been decided the unmanned drones are the cheapest and most viable option.
The Snowbirds aerobatic aviation team is seen as a key public relations tool for the military, with thousands of spectators enjoying their display of aerobatic prowess and spine tingling skills. The Snowbirds fleet of CT-114 Tutors will be retired by December 2014, according to the documents. “Based on this planned retirement date, the air force has purchased some unmanned drones for aerobatic testing that would address the continued provision of a Canadian air demonstration capability,” stated an email from the air force.
The current Snowbird CT-114 Tutor jets and their pilots will be obsolete
and retired in 2014 with unmanned drones replacing them.
The unmanned drones would be remotely operated and perform their demonstration based on a pre-programmed flight sequence computed by a central computer system. "We are basically eliminating any human risk or pilot skills, and in turn, excitement." said Deputy Air Minister Moss.
Moss, a former Snowbirds commanding officer and team leader, said the air force’s decision to use the drones is economical and comes at a time when pilots don't need to risk their lives anymore. “We only have about 9 fighter pilots, and we'd be stretching them thin if we had them doing stunts.” said Moss.
The  current Snowbird planes have been in the Canadian Forces inventory since 1963 and have been used by the Snowbirds team since 1971, and will be used as training Cub Scouts for their aeronautical badges and in community parades once retired.
Using drones would increase the ability of the Snowbirds to perform in a variety of airshows and even wow crowds in war-torn foreign countries such as Afghanistan and Syria. "Before the drones attack the enemy with their laser guided ordnance, we'd give them an amazing aerobatic display that will probably be the best show they'll see before being blown to pieces." Moss remarked.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Canal Skater Survives Cold By Slicing Open, Crawling Inside IceHog Mascot

A near-frozen Melissa Gramson is seen here curled up inside the sliced open
IceHog mascot, TUTU on the canal today.
Ottawa - A near-frozen skater on the Rideau Canal survived the icy temperatures by slicing open a nearby IceHog mascot with a skate blade and crawling inside it's warm innards this morning. With temperatures in Ottawa around the -31degree range with windchill, some ill-prepared skaters on the newly opened Rideau Canal ice surface suffered frostbite and in this case, near death.  Twenty year old, third year Political Science student Melissa Gramson, wore only LuluLemon yoga pants and a Roots sweater while skating on the canal this morning, and collapsed to the ice before making it past the first marker. The extreme cold temperatures also collapsed a nearby IceHog mascot, TUTU, whose plush fur could not protect it enough from the cold. Crawling over to the felled mascot, Gramson used her newly sharpened skate blade to slice open the mascot, and crawl inside its still warm stomach cavity.

Paramedics arrived two hours later to find Gramson barely alive inside the mascot intestinal tract, but were able to airlift the Ottawa U student to a nearby hospital where she is recovering in stable condition. TUTU the IceHog mascot was taken to OMRH (Ottawa Mascot Recovery Hospital) where medical staff presume TUTU will make a full recovery and be back waving goofily to the skaters on the canal within the next couple of weeks.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Feral Spartacat Tranquilized, Captured After 113 Day Escape

Spartacat chasing Park Wildlife Officials Monday morning.
Wildlife Officials had to fire 7 tranquilizers into Sparty to immobilize him.
Ottawa - The spunky Spartacat mascot for the Ottawa Senators hockey team was tranquilized and brought back for active duty yesterday after park officials tracked and found the feral beast in Gatineau Park. Having reverted into a feral cat state during the NHL lockout which lasted 113 days, Spartacat has been living in the wild capturing deer and small rabbits to survive according to wildlife sepcialists hired to track Sparty. "We spotted his large, goofy footprints in the freshly fallen snow, and tracked him  to a clearing in the woods where he was feasting on a rabbit he had just captured in his furry, lovable maw." explained Gatineau Wildlife Ranger Claudette Laroque. "After circling Sparty we fired a tranquilizer into his plush eye, at which point he grew irritated and started to chase us through the woods." said Laroque.

A sedated Spartacat is brought in for mascot duty.
During the 113 day NHL lockout, which left Spartacat unemployed and without a home, the zany Sens mascot retreated into the wilderness where he reverted into a feral cat state. Unable to use his t-shirt cannon to immobilize prey for eating, Spartacat used his plush fangs and oversized paws to capture food and survive in the Gatineau Park wilderness until being captured Monday afternoon.

Once park wildlife officials were able to land a few tranquilizer darts into Sparty, he succumbed to the relaxant drug, and was carted off by officials from the Ottawa Senators hockey franchise and returned to Scotiabank Place for remedial goofiness training. With the NHL hockey season starting soon, Sparty will be joining his teammates in preparing to entertain the crowds of fans that will soon fill Scotiabank Place again. "We hope to have Spartacat back to his crazy old self soon enough." Sens Entertainment Manager Glen Stitts remarked. "Once we get him back on steady diet of egg-rolls and into zany training, he'll be dancing to Gangnam Style for the fans in no time." 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Growing Snow Banks Force All Ottawa Traffic Into Just One Lane

Growing snowbanks force traffic into one-way, single lane travel on all city streets.
Ottawa - The recent large accumulation of snow across the region has created giant snowbanks on city streets forcing all traffic to drive in a single file down most streets. The growing snowbanks are slowly encroaching onto roadways bringing a normal two lane street down to one lane. Sidewalks are also becoming narrower due to the snowbank infringement, resulting in parents having to push strollers single file in the Wellington West area of Ottawa.

Parking on city streets has become non-existent, with many cars forced to just park on top of snowbanks and ski down the slopes to the street below. Most bike paths were also limited to unicycle riding in single file format only.

City Road crews are having a difficult time keeping city streets free of snowbanks with the constant accumulation of snow, but are hoping to clear the snowbanks and resume two lane traffic sometime soon. For now, the city is advising motorists to learn to drive angled at 45 degrees on two wheels down the narrow one lane streets if they can.