Saturday, December 25, 2010

Santa Gunned Down While Delivering Presents In Mexico

Chihuahua, Mexico - Children and adults alike are in mourning Christmas Day as news swept across the globe that Santa Claus has been killed in an apparent drug cartel shoot-out in Mexico. The lovable, rotund holiday celebrity was caught in a viscous hail of automatic gunfire as he was delivering presents to Mexican children Christmas Eve.

Well known to authorities as a violent section of Chihuahua province, two drug cartels are suspected of the shooting, and Mexican police have a number of suspects in custody. Santa’s annual delivery of presents to millions of children was not disrupted as

his elves carried out the remainder of his deliveries early Christmas morning.

The ever increasing drug related violence in Mexico has now reached a breaking point, with United Nations officials stepping in and urging the Mexican government to crack down on the drug cartels who control the area. United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon made a special announcement to the world after hearing news of Santa’s death, and called upon fellow countries to help eradicate the drug violence from Mexico. “The death of Santa has left the world speechless and we now must not only mourn his loss, but also come together to rid not only Mexico, but the entire world of such violence.” Moon stated in an early morning news conference.

The North Pole was in a state of emergency after hearing the news of Santa’s death, and are making the necessary preparations to make sure Christmas runs smoothly and the children receive all their gifts. Head Elf Jingle Jangle was shocked to hear the news, but remains confident North Pole activities will still be on track. “This is unbelievable, the elves are still in shock as is Mrs. Claus, but we are still trying to make sure Christmas is not completely ruined.” Jangle remarked before breaking down in tears.

Mexican authorities have arrested Juan Chavez and Pablo Sanchez, both known members of the ChiChi gang who have ruled drug operations in the northern part of Mexico for some time. Santa’s body is being flown to the North Pole by United Nation’s officials where a global state funeral is being planned.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thousands Of Elves Jobless As Santa Moves Toy Production To China

North Pole - With only two days left before Christmas, hundreds of elves at the North Pole received their lay-off notices announcing a bold move by Santa to move his entire toy production to mainland China in 2011. The news comes as a shock to the hundreds of jovial little elves that have slaved for hundreds of years for the North Pole's largest employer, and are in the process of dealing with the sad news of looming unemployment.

"We've worked so hard for so many years, working countless hours on toys for the world's children, and now we are just being tossed to the curb." sobbed Head Elf Jingle Jangle, who has been with the North Pole production facility since 1947. "We all knew Santa was in financial difficulty, but none of us expected this." Jangle remarked before seeking work in an upcoming Star Wars film.

Santa's production of toys at the North Pole has faced recent financial difficulties over the last three hundred years, after making and distributing millions of toys free of charge which has resulted in a $987 trillion debt for Santa. Also blamed is the lack of demand for the finely crafted wooden toys the elves were producing, with many children demanding newer video game systems and advanced electronics which the elves are unable to produce.

The toy production will move to Xing Chung Province in earlier 2011 and most elves will see their North Pole toy factory shut down in March of 2011, sending thousands of elves to the unemployment line. "I think a lot of us will find work in the entertainment industry, but we are saddened Santa has not given us a choice to work with the Chinese on making toys for kids around the world." Jangle remarked. Santa Claus was unavailable for comment but is still expected to make delivery of the toys this Christmas Eve.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Refugees Excited About Latest Design For Flimsy Raft

Cuba - Scores of refugees are abuzz with excitement over the release of the 2011 Flimsy Raft Catalogue that showcases the latest in refugee escape rafts. Thousands of refugees have already lined up to purchase their flimsy raft kit at hardware stores across Cuba, Somalia, and parts of Indonesia.

The 2011 models feature new advancements in design, such as duct tape fastening, rain barrel hulls and broom handle sail masts. Seating capacity has also increased in the newest models, allowing 237 refugees to sit somewhat comfortably on a 12 foot raft. Previous raft designs would fit only 215 refugees per raft, and the masking tape and glue was known to break apart during a perilous refugee crossing, making the escape to a better country somewhat of a problem.

"Now we can paddle much more safely to seek asylum in other countries." replied Jose Canstonas, a recent refugee who is looking forward to piloting his 2011 model raft to Miami in the spring. "I was scared the raft may break apart in a strong wind and I'd be eaten by sharks during my journey to freedom, but now with the duct taped construction, I feel safer and look forward to a new life." Canstonas remarked.

Refugeez! the raft company that manufactures the boat kits is confident the new 2011 models will exceed customer expectations for sea travel. "We designed the latest rafts to endure a stiff breeze and handle more people aboard, but as always, can not guarantee a completely uneventful voyage." Refugeez! spokesperson Gord Pinstrap responded when asked about his company's rafts. "The sharks are bigger this year, so we are looking at fitting a shotgun aboard the our 2012 rafts." Pinstrap added.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Westboro To Use Artisan Sea Salt On Icy Roads

Westboro - The affluent neighbourhood of Westboro will be enjoying the use of imported artisan sea salt on its roads this winter thanks to a motion passed by Ward Councillor Katherine Hobbs. Hobbs had requested the use of the special salt or "sel de mer", as an alternative to the usual coarse road salt currently used on other city streets. Westboro residents have been complaining the regular salt was affecting the finish on their BMW's, Land Rovers and Audis, with some drivers reluctant to even drive on salted raods for fear of the coarse salt ruining the soles of their Italian footwear and staining their Lululemon stretch pants.

"The regular road salt was really dulling the finish on some residents vehicles to the point where they would have to wash their car once a week." Hobbs explained. "The artisan salt provides a gentler melting action and will be less corrosive on their clothing and cars." Many Ottawa residents are upset that Westboro will receive the special salt, but understand that the higher taxes in the neighbourhood will cover the extra cost of the imported salt. "Well if they want to pay for it, I guess let them have their sea salt." commented Carl Tollbar, a Vanier resident. " I saw one guy put some on his fries last time I was in Westboro." Tollbar remarked.

Imported from the south of France, the new artisan sea salt will increase road salting costs by 475%, but Hobbs sees the benefits far outweighing the increased costs. "My ward residents are quite happy to pay extra taxes if they can enjoy the benefits of the artisan salt." Hobbs replied. City Hall passed the motion put forward by Hobbs, and Westboro residents should start seeing the application of the sea salt as early as next week on their neighbourhood roads. Discussions are also underway to have area sidewalks plowed with organic bamboo shovels instead of the regular metal scrapers used by current sidewalk snow removal units.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Gary From Accounting Enjoying New Status As “Party Animal” After Getting Wasted At Office Christmas Party

Kanata- Once known as the mild mannered accountant from Section D, Gary Humphrey, or “The Hump” as he is now referred to, is enjoying his new inter-office status as a “wild guy” after last week’s office party that got out of control.

Formerly thought of as the weird, quiet guy who kept to himself, Gary elevated his social status within InexaCom Technologies after displaying some bold dance moves, hilarious impersonations of upper management staff and photocopying his private parts at an “off the hook” office Christmas party that InexaCom hosted last week. Humphrey’s relatively dry sense of humour took on a whole new meaning after a few drinks at the nearby Kelsey’s Restaurant where Inexacom held their annual holiday party.

“Gary was always so quiet, but after a few Mucho Margaritas he really let his hair down and became the life of the party.” exclaimed fellow employee Diane Fleming who works with Gary in Section D. “Normally he heads home at exactly 5:35pm each day and watches his PVR’d “Stargate” episodes, but last week something got into him and he is now the celebrity of the office.” Fleming explained.

Humphrey, 42, is single and lives in a semi-detached home in Barrhaven and has been a model employee at InexaCom for over 8 years, heading up the Accounting Division in Section D for the last 3 years.

“Gary really got loaded and brought the party up a notch from what is usually a lame time, to something we are all talking about at the water cooler.” commented Kyle Vaughn, who always assumed Humphrey was a weirdo, Asian porn fanatic. “Yeah, that dude really cut loose and changed my perception of him.” Vaughn noted. “Gary is now the cool guy around the office...I mean, dancing to the Macarena on the VP’s desk was brilliant.”

The morning after the party, Humphrey exchanged numerous high-fives among co-workers, and is now the topic of conversation between many female colleagues who dismissed him as being a nerd. “Gary is definitely on my dating hit-list now.” responded Laurie Jenkins, who along with many others, always thought of Humphrey as a nerdy, undesirable “quiet guy” within the office.

When questioned about his newly acquired status within InexaCom, Humphrey shrugged it off that it was just a night out, and hopes no one thinks any less of him as a professional accountant. “I had a few drinks, let my guard down and ended up spending the night passed out behind the copier, but I think it was all worth it if I can now chat with the guys beside me at the urinal.” replied Humphrey.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Crotchety Old Lady Remembered As Crotchety Old Lady

Wellington Street West- The mean spirited and cantankerous old woman who lived on Faraday Avenue in the Wellington West neighbourhood succumbed to her injuries last night after being eaten alive by her 87 cats found in her dilapidated residence. Known to many nearby residents as the "old hag" she will not be remembered or missed. Helga Mossbean, 87, was usually seen yelling at the local children to get off her lawn or at neighbours whose grass clippings would happen to blow onto her driveway. The retired federal employee would sit on her porch with her cats and yell at kids returning home from school not to “lolly-gag” in front of her residence.

When Mossbean’s sister came to check in on the residence Wednesday morning, it was discovered she had been eaten by her cats who seemingly turned on their owner. Mossbean was then taken to the Civic Hospital where she succumbed to the multiple lacerations inflicted by her vengeful cats and then family members were notified. Acquaintances and neighbours remember Mossbean as a “crotchety old lady” who “never really had a nice thing thing to say to anyone." Her 87 cats were taken to the Ottawa Humane Society pending adoption.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

WikiLeaks Reveal Ottawa Is Part Of Massive CIA Experiment Testing "Boredom Threshold”.

Washington- The recent WikiLeaks of once classified information has uncovered a massive CIA plot to test citizens of their “Boredom threshold” to see how long an average human being can withstand being bored, and in some cases, being “bored to death”.

Classified as “Operation Snore”, the US government funded experiment is the largest of its kind, testing thousands of Ottawa’s citizens on how much boredom they can withstand before fleeing, moving or in some cases dying. “The citizens of Ottawa were exposed to early store and restaurant closures, limited after hours entertainment and extremely cold, depressing grey days resulting in subjects staying in their suburban environments, wearing pajama pants and going to bed by 10pm.” the leaked CIA documents reveal.

With its ever expanding suburbs and well known lack of excitement, the WikiLeak confirms for many, what has been suspected for a long time. “This CIA operation just confirms what many residents of Ottawa already believed.” Deputy Minister of Cultural Affairs Beth Grady explained. “What was once thought as apathy and lack of vitality within the city can now be explained by this massive CIA experiment in social behaviour.” Grady remarked. “ the experiment involved an elaborate network of early store closures, boring cultural events, and placing residents in far reaching settlements such as Barrhaven and Kanata, so people would opt to stay home and go to bed early rather than head back to the downtown core to be entertained.” says Grady.

The CIA denies the experiment but does admit to creating colder temperatures in a large scale weather control experiment in an attempt to confine citizens to their homes. “We want to make sure Canadians stay in their homes and don’t start being more creative then they already are.” another leaked CIA document reveals.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Neighbourhood Christmas Craft Shows Guarantee Many Will Receive Crappy Hand Made Gifts This Holiday Season

Ottawa - As the holiday season approaches, more and more craft shows and church bazaars are being held which offer countless hand made crafts to idea starved consumers. The abundance of holiday craft fairs in the region insure homemade jams, Macrame Kleenex box covers, tacky leather belts, wood carved pen holders and hundreds of other crappy hand made gifts will be under many Christmas trees this year.

“Why buy an expensive and common electronic or stereo item from a big box store when you can give a loved one a carefully crafted and hand painted ceramic clown lamp.” explained Fisher Park crafter Lori Fairbanks who makes handmade pottery items and hand knitted socks. “It’s truly a unique gift when you give something that’s handmade.” Fairbanks endorsed before heading back to work on a a beautiful ceramic Elvis head bedpan.

Many consumers are finding the craft shows a welcome change from the busy area shopping malls and look forward to giving the one of a kind gifts this Christmas. “I just picked up an el paca wool sock puppet.” Glen Likman commented as he perused the Hintonburg Craft Market. “It’s just so whimsical and unique, and I know my son wanted an XBOX, but this should make him smile even more.” Likman replied before purchasing a cheese cutting board made out of an old canoe paddle.

Craft fairs in your neighbourhood can usually be found in the dank basements of your local church or in the sweat smelling gymnasiums of your local community centre within the next few weeks.