Monday, October 31, 2011

Concerned Parents Implement Own Traffic Calming Measures

Wellington West - A group of concerned parents on Huron Ave. in Wellington Village have taken matters into their own hands regarding motorists who fail to slow down on their child inhabited, residential street. After repeated attempts to calm traffic with city-issued traffic calming measures, a group of concerned parents banded together to seek out and destroy speeding vehicles with covertly placed snipers, and a more sternly worded speed-radar sign. The controversial move has raised a few eyebrows at City Hall, but the majority of councillors seem in favour of the vigilante style crack down on residential speeders, and hope the use of extreme force will significantly reduce the speeds of bypassing traffic. "We told these residents a speed bump costs around $5,000 to install." Kitchissppi Ward councillor Katherine Hobbs explained. "In no way does the city endorse the use of violence to reduce speeders in residential areas, but we have seen a significant drop in speeding complaints since the Huron parents hired the sharp shooter." remarked Hobbs.

Motorists frequently will cut through Huron Ave in an attempt to avoid the busy Holland Avenue rush hour traffic, but this has caused numerous issues with Huron Street residents who are worried their children, who play in and around the street, could be injured or killed by the fast moving traffic. "Our kids play in these streets, and it has become increasingly dangerous for them." Huron Avenue resident Keith Archer stated. "We tried using the plastic frog sign with a flag to warn drivers to slow down, but that didn't work, and with the red tape of getting speed bumps installed, we thought contracting mercenary sharp shooters would be more effective in slowing speeders down." replied Archer.

So far 26 motorists have been gunned down for speeding through the residential West End street, reducing speeding by up to 85%. The hired snipers usually aim for the engine block of a speeding vehicle in question, but also have resorted to shooting out tires and fuel tanks. "We use armour piercing rounds that slice through an engine block like a hot knife through butter." hired sniper "Captain X" explained, who remains anonymous for security reasons. "If you are speeding down my contracted street, will be slowed down." the ex-Navy Seal warned.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Halloween Costumed Dogs Go Feral On Owner

Ottawa - Two pet dogs went absolutely feral on their owner after being made to wear ridiculous Halloween costumes which may have triggered aggressive behaviour in the dogs. "Rory" an Alsatian mix, and "Sally" a Golden Retriever were forced to wear an Elvis and fireman dog costumes respectively for a neighbourhood Halloween party but the simple act of "dress-up" turned sour when the two dogs snapped, and then turned on their owners resulting in a viscous attack that leaves 38 year old Terry Howitz in hospital with multiple lacerations.

Dog expert and local veterinarian Dr. Laura Goldstein believes the unprovoked attack is a direct result of the dogs feeling ashamed and dis-respected, belittling their primal pack instincts, and ultimately leading them to lash out through a feral attack. "We see this kind of feral attack behaviour more often around Halloween and Christmas when owners think it's cute to outfit their pets in hilarious outfits, but most pet owners forget these are pack animals derived from the wolf genus, which can lead to an unprovoked attack due to feelings of shame and ridicule." Goldstein remarked.

Pet owners are advised to use caution when donning their dogs in goofy outfits, and to respect the dog's feelings. "Maybe your dog doesn't really want to be dressed as Darth Vader or Elvis." Goldstein commented. "Dogs can be unpredictable, especially when in a super-hero costume."

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Zombies, Fake Cobwebs And Witch Hat Spook Up Local Nursing Home

Ottawa- The usual moans and groans emanating from The Shadesmere nursing home are no longer from the residents, but from the pre-recorded spooky soundtrack the enthusiastic receptionist is playing during the week leading up to her favourite day...Halloween. Kelly Snider, a receptionist at The Shadesmere, has taken it upon herself to “spookify” the reception desk and surrounding area with fake cobwebs, zombie mannequins and by donning a hilarious witch hat to greet and monitor residents as they pass by. “I really wanted to bring some ghoulish flair to these halls, make the residents really feel like they are among the undead this Halloween.” remarked Snider, who wears an oversized witch hat during her shift at The Shadesmere, a seniors retirement and nursing centre located in Kanata.

Residents from The Shadesmere have mixed reactions to the spooky, haunted decor in their hallowed halls, with some residents unable to distinguish the scary mannequins from their fellow roommates. One 92 year old resident was somewhat taken aback by the mechanical ghost that jumps out from a broom closet, sending her to the Emergency Room to be treated for shock. “I guess the spookiness and ghoulish flair is a bit much for some of the older residents, but I think the majority get a real kick out of my Halloween decorations.” stated Snider who passes out molasses candies to residents each Halloween. “A lot of them ruin their dentures with the candy, but I think it’s all worth it.” she replied.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Fall Colours Of New MiniVans, Dying Lawn Grass Draw Huge Crowds To Barrhaven

Barrhaven- Countless crowds of curious onlookers flooded the streets of Barrhaven earlier this week to take in the vibrant colours of the changing lawns and newly leased minivans inside the community. Devoid of any trees or other foliage, Barrhaven boasts an impressive and colourful display of dying lawns and new minivans that paint a mutli-coloured palette of vibrancy within the suburban community. Onlookers from as far away as Pembroke have descended upon the suburb to gaze upon the colourful display of rapidly changing lawns and minivans that transform the landscape.

In contrast to last year’s somewhat neutral palette of minivan colours, the 2011 season brings a wide range of new colours ranging from metallic blues to deep reds that really luminesce under the midday sun. “We just love coming here to look at the new van colours, and with the changing lawns, it really adds an autumn flair to our community.” stated Barrhaven resident Kimothy Handforth, who brought her mother-in-law from Europe to soak in the spectacle of colours. “I knew the lawns were changing colour with the cool nights, but the added vibrancy of the new 2012 model minivans really adds a spectrum of colour.” Handforth’s mother-in-law remarked.

Barrhaven’s lack of foliage and trees has not detracted from the autumn colours in the neighbourhood through the spectral change in home owner’s lawns and acquisition of new model minivans. “The whole neighbourhood is alive with colour as residents buy new minivans and let their lawns disintegrate over the fall months.” resident Gary Muskton commented. The suburb of Barrhaven expects over 5,000 outside visitors to gaze upon their colourful offerings this coming weekend, and hope onlookers enjoy their offerings of colour. “It’s great, we don’t have to rake any leaves because we have no trees, but we can all enjoy the colour variety through our latest minivans and diverse variety of degenerating lawns.” Handforth proudly remarked.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Westboro Welcomes New Organic, Artisan Gun Shop

Westboro- A new neighbour joined the bustling shopping mecca of Westboro this past weekend when "Lulubridgetukah Co-Op" opened its doors Saturday morning to throngs of shoppers making their way through the vibrant neighbourhood. A destination for active living and outdoorsy-type shoppers, the new store will provide discriminating Westboro shoppers with organic, fair trade artisan made hand guns of the highest quality. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op owner Ray Nobleman opened his store to fill the need for a gun shop that provided durable but organically made hand guns for the residents of Westboro and surrounding area. "I knew I wanted to open a shop that offered artisan crafted, fair trade hand guns that were also bio-degradable for active living lifestyles." Nobleman explained. "Now Westboro shoppers have the opportunity to browse our selection of fine weapons and accessories while sipping their latte, or walking their baby in a stroller." remarked Nobleman, whose store boasts over 1,500 square feet of concealable hand guns with a special baby stroller parking area that accommodates the over-sized strollers that most Westboro residents utilize.

A former US Navy Seal, Nobleman brings over 30 years of hand gun experience to Westboro shoppers, who he thinks will be impressed by his wide selection of firearms. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op will also market lessons, and proper holstering instructions to clients who purchase a hand gun at no extra charge. Nobleman also notes his store has a built in firing range where customers can squeeze off a few rounds and test their weapon before purchase.

Lulubridgetukah Co-Op had its Grand Opening Saturday with hundreds of Westboro shoppers stopping in to check out the selection of hand guns and unique accessories that included a stroller holster, and special hemp holster that easily conceals inside a fleece vest. The store is located in between the two Bridgehead coffee shops in Westboro on Richmond Road and can also be found online at

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Westboro Parents Concerned Over Safety Of Fall Leaves

Ottawa- Parents in the Westboro/Wellington West neighbourhoods are voicing some concerns over the safety of the city's tree leaves that have changed colour and fallen to the ground this autumn season. The various multi-coloured leaves strewn over lawns, parks and sidewalks have raised concerns with some parents whose children may frolic in the neighbourhood leaves, leading to possible injury, or worse, unbridled fun. "My little Jadix-Heath was running through a pile of leaves and I screamed for her to get out of them." Anne Glosson-Llewelyn, a worried Westboro mother, remarked. "They could possibly cause an allergic reaction, a cut or even a tumble." Glosson-Llewelyn replied. She joins a group of other concerned parents who want the city to remove all the leaves as quickly as possible before serious injuries occur. "We need the city to get in to our parks and collect and dispose of these dangerous objects before our innocent children suffer the consequences." Pamela Handmere explained, Co-Vice President of W.I.M.P (Westboro Involved Monitoring Parents)

Handmere along with the other concerned parents are afraid the loosely fallen autumn leaves may cause injury to unsuspecting children in the neighbourhood and have formed a website to better help parents prepare for the dangers of leaf piles, blowing leaves and falling leaves. Handmere advises parents to dress their children in protective goggles, safety vests and helmets to guard them from errant leaves which may cause an allergic reaction or mental trauma. "The leaves may look pretty but could lead to something tragic, which we think could be avoided and remedied by the city cleaning up these rogue leaves." Handmere commented.
Concerned parents are encouraged to review for further information on this sometimes overlooked autumn threat.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Record Voter Turnout Attributed To Fun New Pumpkin Ballot Boxes

Ontario- A record number of Ontario voters turned out in droves Thursday to cast their ballots in what has become the most well attended voter turnout in Ontario Election history. Elections Ontario is attributing the record turnout to their use of new whimsical, seasonal themed ballot boxes that utilized hand carved pumpkin jack-o-lanterns, making the voting process a fun and rewarding experience. Angela Polmeda, President of Elections Ontario is praising the new pumpkin ballot boxes, and is pleased with the positive response and the results this election. “We thought it would be a fun way for voters to cast their ballots, instead of the traditional and somewhat boring white cardboard box.” Polmeda explained. “Counting the ballots was a little more difficult with pumpkin juice staining a lot of the votes, but we made up for that with voter turn-out, which was our goal.” she explained.

Polling stations across Ontario had pumpkin boxes provided to them by local schools and youth groups, who hand carved each ballot pumpkin so each voter had a unique and individual voting experience. “I really smiled dropping my ballot into the pumpkin carved out to look like a pirate, it made voting fun.” remarked an unidentified voter from North Bay. “It’s usually so boring, but I liked it this time, it felt really seasonal with the whole pumpkin thing.” he replied.

The ballot pumpkins will be destroyed and burned, or smashed onto roadways after they are emptied and accounted for as per Elections Onatrio regulations.

New Extended Timed Crosswalk Signals Raise Concern

Ottawa - After a successful Seniors Summit hosted by Mayor Jim Watson at City Hall yesterday, City Council unanimously voted to increase the walk times indicated by city traffic signals at intersections frequented by the elderly population. The change was made after a number of elderly residents complained they didn't have enough time to walk across the the intersection before traffic dangerously started to move again. The new traffic signal countdowns now have an increased timer, hopefully allowing the senior pedestrians more time to make their way across busy intersections.

Seniors attending Mayor Watson's Seniors Summit voiced their concerns over the timed crosswalks after explaining how their decreased mobility, slower stride and use of walkers made it impossible for them to safely traverse city intersections in the 7-9 second time frame current crosswalk signals allowed. "I am 88 and I just don't move like I used to." remarked Nelly Garwood, who raised the issue at the open forum yesterday. "I get extremely stressed out trying to shuffle across the street with my walker when I look up and see I only have 7 seconds to make it all the way across Carling Avenue." Garwood explained. Garwood joined approximately 9 other seniors who voiced similar concerns to the Mayor and his councillors during the Senior Summit, requesting the city extend the countdown period on the traffic signals in areas frequented by senior citizens. "I need at least 60 seconds to make it across Richmond Road before those nutjobs in their fancy SUVs start running me down." an emotional Herb Fenwick commented during the open forum.

In a swift and immediate response, Mayor Jim Watson ordered all traffic signals to extend their countdown times, resulting in some intersections having a 5 minute countdown for pedestrians. This has irked some motorists who are now waiting up to 10 minutes at already congested intersections. "I feel for the elderly, but now I am waiting about 10 minutes to turn left on Holland." replied a concerned motorist after experiencing the new timed crosswalk signals. Mayor Watson hailed the initiative and hopes Ottawa motorists will be patient and respect the slowly moving senior citizen pedestrians. "I think these new extended time crosswalks are great, and I look forward to using them myself when I walk the streets." Mayor Watson remarked. Other initiatives that will soon apply as a result of the Senior Summit Mayor Watson hosted will include enlarged parking spaces in city parking lots and streets to accommodate the huge vehicles and poor eyesight of elderly drivers, an elimination of all curbs on streets surrounding Carlingwood Mall and the creation of "FogieFest" a city endorsed festival for the aged next summer.