Sunday, February 27, 2011

GIGANTO-MART From Planet Glaxus Drives Wal-Mart Into Bankruptcy

Arkansas - The once all-mighty leader in retail department stores is now threatened by bankruptcy as GIGANTO-MART from planet Glaxus becomes the new leader of the discount department store market. A once unknown company that arrived on the scene late last year, GIGANTO-MART has now taken a massive profit share from Wal-Mart, forcing them to close stores in the United States and Canada, killing the big-box mall in suburban sectors of cities across North America.

With Wal-Mart once reigning supreme in the department and super-store division, it now faces massive lay-offs of its over 40,000 employees and a drastic store-closure initiative to curb operating costs in 2011. Hundreds of big-box stores are now forced to close and board up as GIGANTO-MART continues to expand and demolish any chance of Wal-Mart has of making a profit. "We're seeing more and more of these little Wal-Marts closing up in big-box malls across North America." Global Retail Analyst Herb Norton explained. "They just can't compete with GIGANTO-MART's low prices and cost effective, large scale stores popping up in suburban areas." Norton explained. "More and more of these smaller little big-box stores will have to close up and file for bankruptcy if GIGANTO-MART continues expanding." remarked Norton, who foresees Wal-Mart going out of business by the end of 2012.

GIGANTO-MART president and CEO Kluu-Xekla-4 was unavailable for comment from his home planet of Glaxus, but in a recent press release, explained his company's success is part of a world domination plan that will come to a final stage in 2012. "GIGANTO-MART offers its valued customers exceptional savings, value, quality and service unmatched across the galaxy." the company website states.

Shawarma Food Photography Exhibit Opens At Karsh Gallery

Ottawa - The vibrant, and sometimes disturbing images of over-exposed and camera flashed food items from shawarma shops across the city will now be on exhibit at the prestigious Karsh Photography Gallery this month. Once only enjoyed by late night revellers and hungry urbanites who can't read menus and require enlarged photos of food platters, the exhibit will showcase the artistic side of these "gastrophotos" as National Gallery director Marc Mayer calls them. "These stunning, over exposed, poorly lit and extreme close-ups of food platters, dripping sauces and combo deals shine a much needed light on the sometimes overlooked creativity that occurs in our urban shawarma shops." Mayer explained.

A featured photo in the exhibit is from Shawarma Man on Bank Street who photographed all of his menu items with an old Kodak 110 film camera, and captured the sheen of his grease and sauce covered food beautifully. "I really didn't think of the art in my food photos, I did it so people can just point a picture when they order instead of having to read a menu." Shawarma Man Halil Muharar replied when asked how he feels about his food being showcased in a prominent Ottawa gallery. "The food is beautiful, not just covered in garlic, but also as art." Muharar remarked.

The exhibit entitled "Beyond The Meat" opens this weekend at the Karsh Masson Gallery on St. Patrick Street and runs until March 22. The showcase of shawarma and other foods will be presented in extreme close-ups enlarged to mural sized format for viewers to enjoy, which is the same format as seen in the various shops they come from across the city.

Friday, February 25, 2011

City Approves Segregated Stroller Lane For Wellington/Westboro

Ottawa - City council Wednesday approved a pilot project to install a segregated stroller lane along one side of Wellington Street from Parkdale Avenue to Roosevelt Avenue in Westboro.

The two-year pilot project is expected to cost $1.2 million and could be ready to use by this spring.

Council has been discussing the possibility of the segregated stroller lane that would, in theory, make it easier for most gabbing parents with their massive strollers to enjoy their lattes while shopping the trendy stores that line Wellington Street and Richmond Road. The segregated lane will make it safer for non-stroller pedestrians to navigate the area without being run over or injured by the over-sized stroller devices that plague the sidewalks of this popular family oriented area.

"I think it's a great idea." says Wellington Village resident Dave Shindle who suffered a lacerated ankle from a stroller last year. "The strollers will be off the sidewalks and allow us non-baby people to enjoy shopping and getting our lattes without fearing injury or slowdowns trying to get around the slow moving stroller people."

Mayor Watson applauded the new motion to create a segregated stroller lane and city council already has plans to approve a segregated elderly/disabled lane for the Carlingwood area.

Monday, February 21, 2011

OC Transpo Drivers To Limit Use Of F-Word While Berating Passengers During “Kindness Week”

Ottawa - With “Kindness Week” gaining momentum across the city, OC Transpo drivers are joining in on the acts of kindness by limiting the use of the F-word while they berate passengers on board. OC Transpo feels the edited profanity will help bring a positive note to ridership and encourage riders to spread positive acts of kindness throughout the city. “We are telling our drivers to limit dropping the F-bomb to a 4 or 5 time maximum while they berate or antagonize passengers.” OC Transpo head Gill Perot announced. “We’re also excited to announce that drivers will now try their best to actually stop for passengers at designated stops or might be running up to a bus.” Perot said. “We were also going to ask drivers to limit their cutting off cars as they pull into traffic, but the union contract does not allow that.”

Passengers are looking forward to having the limited profanity greetings from OC Transpo drivers and hope this new initiative, and other acts of kindness continue past the Kindness Week deadline of February 25. Bill Stanson, a frequent rider of the 95 thinks it’s a wonderful idea and hopes drivers might also consider smiling. “I’m used to the bus drivers never stopping, or when they do stop, having them use the F-word a lot when they yell at me for holding up their route or that I stink of cigarettes. This week he yelled at me in a calmer tone, and only swore a couple of times.” Stanson acknowledged.

With many OC Transpo drivers yelling and cursing frequently at passengers and under their breath at outside traffic, the move may help insure Kindness Week rides along with the bus and bring a small, but recognizable improvement to a rider’s bus experience.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

New Snowmobile Now Makes It Easier To Have Fatal Accident

Carleton Place - Bombardier launched their latest snowmobile model this week in hopes of attracting new riders interested in killing themselves faster and more efficiently. Dubbed the "Dead Sled XRT", the highly dangerous machine was re-engineered to expedite certain death while riding it at speeds approaching 400km/h utilizing the extreme speed in its 350 Hp Triple Carb High output V-8 engine.

"We really wanted to make sure the DS-XRT riders would be on the brink of certain death every time they hopped on it, so we made some modifications to make that a reality." explained Bombardier Ski-Doo Division President Donald Fortier from his Montreal headquarters. Other deadly features include headlight omission, brake delete, intermittent acceleration to 400 km/h and a GPS tracking system that automatically steers the snow machine towards rusty wire fences,avalanches, thin lake ice and treed areas.

"Serious injuries and possibly death are all now accessible for those snowmobile riders that were not close enough to it before." explained Fortier.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Feds Flush With Cash, Blowing It On Wicked $42 Million Glass Thunderdome/Temporary Cafeteria

Ottawa - (*Editor's note: This is not a joke article, it is true) When most institutions such as schools and offices require temporary space, they utilize portable modular units, which are a relatively inexpensive way to facilitate a temporary meeting space. Sometimes if necessary, a secondary temporary space will be rented in an existing building nearby. Not so for our House Of Commons. Speculating it was a banner year for tax collection, the Feds have your money burning a hole in their pocket and they can't wait to blow it on a kick-ass giant glass dome for a "temporary" Parliamentary space.

The massive, glass and steel structure will be built over the span of 5 years, and cost approximately 42 million dollars. This is not the first time the House Of Commons has had to move off Parliament Hill. In 1916 after the Great Fire destroyed much of the Parliament Buildings, it was moved to the Canadian Museum Of Nature until the new House Of Commons was rebuilt. This time, the current House Of Commons will undergo a restoration, but instead of moving into another adequate space, plans have been approved to build a huge, glass dome for MPs to sit in for half the year, while the other half of the year it will sit empty.

Public Works will construct the Hot Air Cathedral taking 7 years to complete it. A new cafeteria is also planned since a new deep fryer is desperately needed, resulting in a multi-million dollar temporary cafeteria to be built for the MPs to enjoy in their new Thunderdome.

With tax revenues bursting the federal coffers, a smaller, less expensive alternative was not an option, and the National Capital Commission wanted to spend as much tax-payer money as possible to construct the absurdly grandiose temporary House Of Commons.

On a positive note, the new facility will be energy efficient, with heating being provided by hot air released by the hundreds of MPs that will occupy the structure when in use.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Protesters In Middle East Now Protesting Protests

The Middle East- Thousands of protesters in various Middle Eastern countries took to the streets today to protest the protests that have taken over much of the region recently. Capital cities throughout the Arab world were filled with hundreds of demonstrators screamng, yelling, chanting and sporadically firing guns into the air. Children and adults alike joined in the protests that are protesting the protests and call for an immediate end to the incessant protesting.

Battling tear gas and riot police, many of the protesters forgot what they were protesting about, but used the occasion to hurl rocks, scream, burn cars and cause rampant trouble on city streets. "I want somebody to step down somewhere!" one protester screamed to the media.

With tensions rising in the Arab and Middle Eastern states, these latest protests protesting protests are only adding fuel to the spreading fires of unrest. Middle Eastern leaders are making a plea for peace and calm during the civil tension and are asking world leaders to be tolerant of the situation.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Royal Newlyweds To Visit Ottawa This Summer, Watson Announces Plans To Convert Sparks Street Into "Coronation Street" In Their Honour

Ottawa - A recent announcement that the Royal newlyweds, Prince William and Kate Middleton will visit Ottawa this summer has sent the city abuzz with excitement and has Mayor Watson planning to convert the Sparks Street Mall into a replica of "Coronation Street" to honour their visit.

"As Mayor of Ottawa I would like to formally announce immediate plans to convert Sparks Street Mall into an exact replica set of the hit British television series "Coronation Street" to honour the Royal visit." an excited Watson announced earlier this evening at City Hall. "The citizens of Ottawa heartily welcome our new Royal couple and would like to make them feel at home by converting the dead zone previously known as Sparks Street, into the more recognizable and honourable "Coronation Street" Watson remarked. Plans are also underway to have Watson's teeth surgically altered to match the unsightly British dental image of the visiting Brits, complete with discolouration and misalignment.

"We need to make William and Kate feel at home, so I think the teeth alteration and street conversion will assist immensely." replied Watson who has booked Canada Day as the day of celebration welcoming the Royals to Ottawa.

Construction crews have immediately begun to demolish parts of Sparks Street and also outlined foundations for the accurate replica set of Coronation Street, complete with a cobblestone street and British Working class architecture. "The Royals will feel right at home and I look forward to honouring their presence in the Capital this Canada Day, which I am looking into changing the name to a more fitting "Katilliam Day"...." Watson announced before Tweeting the elaborate plans for the visit on his ever ready mobile phone.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Thousands Of School Children Learn About Rejection At An Early Age Today

The World - Young children all around the world will share in the joy of receiving a Valentine's card at school today, but thousands more will not, learning what rejection, exclusion and unpopularity feels like. With school classes taking the time for students to make little cardboard "Valentine Mailboxes" as a desk receptacle for the cards distributed by classmates, many children will have empty mailboxes, crushing any hopes of someone actually liking them, and learn firsthand what rejection feels like.

One student, Kenny in Grade 3, spent 4 hours constructing an elaborate Valentine's Mailbox that was exact replica of the Death Star from Star Wars, complete with a pipe cleaner laser beam and Stormtrooper squad. However Kenny's excitement soon turned to sadness as he received absolutely no Valentine's cards, and has accepted the fact his Star Wars mailbox will most likely remain empty. "I thought that maybe Julie Simmons would give me a Valentine's card cause we both like Star Wars, but I guess she likes Tyler better because she gave him a card instead." Kenny remarked before replicating the Death Star explosion from Episode 4, and destroying his mailbox in a rejection fuelled anger. "Maybe the girls would have liked the Sarlaac Pit from Return of the Jedi instead." a sad and rejected Kenny whispered as he burned his crushed mailbox and plotted his revenge by becoming a millionaire computer software engineer.

Leading child psychologist Deborah Channing states that many children learn at too early an age what unpopularity and rejection is like, and thinks Valentine's Day only manifests those feelings. "Many of these kids already feel unpopular and the exchange of Valentine's Cards only reinforces those feelings and drives them deeper into rejection." Channing remarked. "They have a lifetime ahead of them of being a nerd and unpopular, so I don't see why we need to start those feelings at such an early stage in a school setting."

As all the popular kids counted and compared their overflowing mailboxes of cards and cinnamon hearts, thousands of others sat alone, dreading the idea of going home empty handed, only to get a pity Valentine's card from either their mother or grandmother. "Well, there's alway next year I guess, and at least I got a cinnamon heart that fell on the floor from Tyler's desk." a rejected Kenny said. "I just feel sad I spent all that time making 58 custom made Stormtrooper cards for all the girls that said "The force is strong with you"..oh well, I guess I'll go home and watch BattleStar Galactica to cheer myself up."

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Motorists Stuck At End Of NCC Driveway After Snow Plow Goes By

Ottawa - Scores of motorists using the National Capital Commission Driveway were left blocked by the tailings of a snow plow that left a trademark “end of driveway” snow bank. The large, impassable snow bank pretty much halted traffic heading east on the NCC driveway and left many people frustrated the plow went by just as they were about to exit the driveway.

City snow removal crews were on scene to try and displace the over 400 tonnes of snow left by the snow plow at the end of the driveway, and motorists should expect traffic to resume to normal early Thursday morning.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Wellington West - A local restaurant has left an 87 year old man completely confused as to who to leave a tip for after approximately 34 different wait staff served his Monday night meal. Gus Hardy was in a state of disarray trying to figure out the gratuity since 12 of the servers were great while the other 22 were sub-standard. “I don’t know who I’m leaving a tip this the new thing in dining, to have 30 different people bring my meal?” questioned Hardy who ventured into Devine, a new boutique dining experience in Wellington West.

Hardy usually dines at the local Kristy’s restaurant where one waitress serves him his usual selection of prime rib, but at Devine, Hardy had a multitude of servers, making the tipping process difficult for the World War 2 veteran who is used to tipping one individual. “ I had one guy, bring me water, another guy bring me bread, some other guy brought fancy butter, another girl brought some mush on a spoon, another brought my beer, this young kid took my order, some hippie grabbed my empty plates, a cute girl brought my salad, another girl put pepper on it, two guys brought my main course, an older gentleman asked how the meal was, a lad then took my empty plates, some new girl asked what I wanted for dessert then by the time I finished the meal and the bill came, 12 other people had vsited my table.” an exasperated Hardy explained.

Frustrated by the experience, Hardy left 34 quarters on the table, 25 cents for each sever who served him, along with an additional 50 cent bill in Canadian Tire money for whoever wanted it.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Weird Winterlude Mascots Culled, Replaced By More Jovial "Popsicle Pete"

Ottawa - The 33rd Annual Winterlude festivities got off to a sombre start Friday night as all 28 of the odd, unidentifiable creature mascots were rounded up and culled in a move by the National Capital Commission to enhance the festival's image. The unknown and sometimes bizarre, furry animals were replaced by the more recognizable ice cold refreshing "Popsicle Pete", who skated up and down the frozen canal handing out free popsicles.

The NCC is drawing fire over the decision to cull all the mascot creatures, but many attendees are finding it a positive step, with most unable to relate to what some called "disturbing" creatures who wore toques and sweaters. "I didn't know if they were chipmunks, squirrels or some kind of hybrid lemming." responded canal visitor Katie Olack. "They were creeping my kids out and they started crying when one of these giant rodents in a sweater came up to them." Olack replied. "Now with Popsicle Pete, the kids are excited to get some Fudgsicles or a Creamsicle."

The former mascots are shrouded in mystery as to their origins, with some scientists speculating they are a rare groundhog/ferret mix. "We believe the former Winterlude mascot came from somewhere in Greenland, but are unsure, because their behaviour is odd and unpredictable." commented University of Ottawa zoologist Herb Niddleman. "They are probably inbred so many times that the eradication of their species will tremendously benefit Winertlude." Niddleton replied.

Popsicle Pete, a loveable, ice cold refreshing mascot of delicious frozen treats, was brought on board by the NCC to increase visitor traffic to Winterlude and hopefully rid the festival of its once scary mascot association. "Popsicle Pete will surely enhance the Winterlude experience for both young and old alike." championed NCC Chairman Russell Mills, who personally hired Mr. Pete after culling the previous creatures. "He's got lots of cool treats for the peeps!" Mills hailed as he skated alongside Mr. Pete on Dow's Lake.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Turmoil In Egypt As King Tut Corpse Elected To Power, Slaves Enlisted To Build New Pyramids

Cairo - Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, unable to calm a week of unrest and unprecedented protest against his government, stepped down from power and in
his place the preserved remains of King Tutankhamen took office with a swearing in ceremony taking place earlier today.

More than 200,000 protesters streamed into Cairo's Tahrir Square in the latest dramatic development amid demonstrations and international pressure for the current President to resign. As the economy slides into turmoil, the decision to instate the 3,000 year old remains of the Egyptian Pharaoh may ease a bit of the public fury, but will unlikely stop the political turmoil in the country. The civil unrest in Egypt has mesmerized the region with many citizens unhappy with Mubarak — who for 30 years in power has skillfully crushed dissent, pulling the nation into a prolonged crisis that could further damage its economy, most notably tourism. More than 120 people have died over the last week.

The new Pharaoh Tut Government, or PTG as it is called, took immediate action and has enslaved thousands of Egyptians to slave away in building a new series of pyramids to encourage tourism and create employment for the those seeking work. The move is controversial, but the corpse of Tut is ready for a new pyramid, and his advisors believe the project will rebuild the country's flailing economy and tourism trade. "Egypt will rule again and our Pyramids will again dominate the region bringing power, women and money back to the land of the Pharaoh Tut" remarked Rafiq Khouri, an advisor to the new Tut regime.

Plans are underway to enslave thousands of unemployed Egyptians and bring stability back to the region. As Canadians are being evacuated some are staying to watch the pyramid building process and watch history unfold again. "I want to see how they build a pyramid nowadays, so I'm sticking around." commented Linda Jackson, a Canadian Embassy clerk who is excited about the new pyramid project.