Thursday, September 29, 2011

Local Campaign Sign Distracting Drivers

Ottawa - The provincial Liberal candidate for Ottawa Centre is drawing criticism for his use of a potentially dangerous and distracting campaign sign on the 417 Queensway. The 50 foot “wavy arms” flailing red and white inflatable, goofy character hoping to attract the attention of passing motorists has drawn a number of complaints from commuters using the highway, claiming it is a distraction from their driving. Liberal candidate Yasir Naqvi who is using the unique campaign sign, has said the wildly writhing, thrashing inflatable polyester sign has only received positive feedback and thinks those voicing concern are from the office of Tory candidate Rob Dekker. “The sign is obviously hilarious with its flailing arms and torso, but also eye catching, hopefully garnering me enough votes from Ottawa Centre allowing me to continue providing excellent service to its residents.” responded incumbent Yasir Naqvi when asked about his distinctive campaign sign.

Motorists on the 417 who pass by the large, wildly undulating character near the Parkdale exit have been somewhat positive to the sign, but some have had said the flailing arms slap across their windshields during high winds, which may cause an accident. “I think it’s awesome, and I’ll vote for this Naqvi guy.” remarked one motorist, Bill Hanley, who passed by the inflatable sign as he exited the Queensway. “I saw it whip an arm into a Smart car, but the driver recovered okay, so I don’t see it as a problem.” Hanley remarked.

The campaign office of Rob Dekker, PC candidate for Ottawa Centre has said they are not responsible for filing the complaints against the flailing sign and are actually looking into a similarly eye-catching sign that will be towed by a low flying CF-18 fighter jet over the city during commuting hours.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Use Of Wingdings Font May Hinder Candidate's Chances

Ottawa Centre - Local independent candidate John Black is frustrated to discover his campaign signs have been mistakenly printed using the Wingdings font which may hinder his election chances. The somewhat hard-to-read campaign signs were hastily printed and Mr. Black regretfully admits he forgot to proof read the final design before it was sent to the printers. "I just got so busy with looming deadlines that I guess I forgot to double check my sign's font." Black admitted when the gaff was pointed out to him by a local resident. "They were originally going to be a nice Futura font, but I must have accidentally pressed something on the keyboard and Wingdings came out." responded a frazzled Black.

Wingdings is a TrueType dingbat font included in all versions of Microsoft Windows from version 3.1 onwards and was originally developed in 1990 by Microsoft by combining glyphs from Lucida Icons, Arrows, and Stars. Independent candidate John Black is disappointed to learn of his typo on the election campaign signs, but is confident voters will see past his Wingdings characters and really appreciate his serious stance on provincial infrastructure development, health care, taxes and education initiatives. "Please look past the Wingdings and realize I am committed to serious change in this province." Black exclaimed. No plans have been made to fix the Wingding signs as Black's promotional budget has already been used for the current signs.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

More And More Cats Driving Seniors Around

Ottawa - Plans to test more elderly drivers to determine if they are capable and safe to be on Ontario roads has put hundreds of cats in the driver’s seat. Stricter testing of senior drivers has left a lot of the elderly without a licence, but still maintaining a vehicle. “A lot of these elderly drivers depend on a car to get around in life, and now a lot of cats are taking the wheel for them, which I think is even more dangerous.” Minister of Transportation Belinda Chesterland exclaimed after she was questioned about the rise in cat drivers at a press conference Tuesday. “I know some older drivers may need a refresher course on how to drive, but I do believe they are a safer alternative to the possible cat drivers.”

Increased testing and revoking driver’s licences of those that fail a safe driving test is raising concern among the elderly population in the province, some who have been driving for more than 80 years. “If they take away my licence, they can’t take away my car, and that means Trixie will be driving me around town.” remarked Herb Portolli, an 89 year old driver who is upset at the strict plan to test older drivers. “I mean I might not stop at all the lights, but I do when I see them, so I don’t think its fair.” Portolli explained. “Trixie is a smart cat, and if I can’t drive, she will, and she is already pretty damn good at parallel parking.”

Mandatory testing of drivers over the age of 75 comes after a comprehensive study showed more than 34% of automobile accidents involve drivers over the age of 70. "We need to curb this disturbing trend, and mandatory driver testing is one way we can keep Ontario’s roads safe.” Chesterland replied.

A 95 year old woman whose licence was suspended after being involved in 27 accidents in 3 months and was recently arrested in Brampton, On after she placed her pet cat behind the wheel and forced the cat to drive her to a doctor’s appointment. The senior citizen says she did not want to sell her car and trusted her cat, Patsy, could handle the traffic. “She’s good on her feet and I help her with the signals, so I don’t know what the problem is.”

Sunday, September 18, 2011

New Sens Jersey Has Retro "Cosby" Theme

Ottawa -Recent leaked photos of the new Ottawa Senators jersey shows a vibrant "Cosby Show" look to the design, implementing a retro 1990's sweater theme that heralds back to a time when the Ottawa Senators first took to the ice in 1991. A popular TV show during that period, the newly formed Ottawa Senators joined the NHL at the same time in 1991. The new jerseys display a multi-coloured look with a throw back to early 1990's fashion. A stylized “O” in the middle of the new sweater is a tribute to the original Senators franchise, which was one of the founding clubs in the National Hockey League when it was formed in 1917. The new sweater bears a striking resemblance to the sweaters made famous by Bill Cosby who wore similarly styled sweaters on his hit TV show which was broadcast from 1984 to 1992, the latter part being a period when the Senators first took to the ice.

“While we are very disappointed to have our new jersey revealed in this manner, we are pleased to see the early comments from fans are extremely positive,” exclaimed Jeff Kyle, the Senators vice-president of marketing. "We feel the retro 1990's Cosby sweater theme will tie in nicely with our 20th anniversary celebrations this season." Kyle announced.

“We believe that this jersey will be a top seller in the National Hockey League this season, especially as fans learn the story behind how it was designed.”

Kyle is keeping many other details secret until the official jersey launch Oct. 1, however he did elaborate on the unique design of the Cosby themed jerseys. "We wanted fans to feel a connection to that time period in 1991 when the Sens first took to the ice here in Ottawa, and what better way to do that than utilize the sweaters made famous by "The Cosby Show", the hit TV show of that era." Kyle explained.

“We look forward to promoting the new Cosby jersey and think fans, both young and old, will appreciate the design that incorporates elements of the early Senators team into what we feel will become a truly iconic symbol of Senators hockey,” Kyle remarked.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

New Sports Bar Offers 2,348 Flat Screens Covering Every Inch Of Wallspace

Ottawa - Joining the ranks of the 12,348 other sports bars in Ottawa, "Pinch Hits" opened its doors Wednesday to enthusiastic crowds of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder patrons who have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. The new sports bar boasts over 2,000 flat screen television monitors plastering every available space on the walls of the establishment. Bar owner Clint Devries says his new sports bar will fill the gap where other sports bars fall short, and that is not enough flat screen televisions simultaneously blasting every imaginable sport on the planet to needy patrons. "There is a serious lack of screens in sports bars today." Devries exclaimed. "Pinch Hits is here to fill that void, and provide customers with a 360 degree sensory overload of sports."

"Pinch Hits" is a new venture for DeVries who previously worked for the Dilawri Automotive Group as their commercial advertising campaign manager. "I know how to hit all the senses and make people pay attention with over-bearing, loud and catchy messages, so it was an easy transition to a sports bar where those assets are essential." Devries remarked.

Customers are already applauding the over 2,000 screen establishment, citing it provides them with a chance to keep an eye on all sports, no matter where they look. "Now I just tilt my head and I'm informed of what's going on in every imaginable sport." bar patron Danny Slyvick, a diagnosed ADHD patient replied. "No more wondering what's happening on the other channel."

After the grand opening Wednesday, "Pinch Hits" suffered only two casualties due to the multiple screens. A 38 year old customer was sent to hospital after an epileptic fit due to the sensory overload, and a man lost his mind and jumped out a window after trying to process the stimulus assault within the bar.

"Pinch Hits" is located in a non-descript strip mall beside the new Rio-Can Centre on Merivale Road. They offer a selection of wings, ribs, burgers, nachos and other discriminating sports foods. Reservations are not required, but a waiver must be signed upon entry.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Smell Of Mechanicsville" to Join "Taste Of Wellington" This Weekend

Wellington Village - The fifth anniversary of Wellington West BIA's "Taste Of Wellington" event kicks off once again this weekend where you can check out the area's great taste in food, fashion, and fun as thirty-five of the finest restaurants and food shops tantalize taste buds with samples of their specialties. Tying in with this popular event will be the first annual "Smell Of Mechanicsville, where visitors can wander the streets of the neighbourhood and sample the myriad of interesting smells and aromas emanating from its diverse array of buildings.

Mechanicsville BIA President Denise Hawkburn says their "Smell of Mechanicsville" will tie in nicely with the "Taste Of Wellington" and hopes visitors will get a chance to enjoy both events that are mere blocks apart from each other. "We have over 50 unique smells in our neighbourhood ranging from rotting garbage, to mouldy abandoned buildings, to the smell of a recently tarred roof." exclaimed Hawkburn, who hopes to make the Smell Of Mechanicsville just as popular as its sister neighbourhood's "Taste Of Wellington", which offers crowds free samples of food from the variety of restaurants located in the Wellington West neighbourhood. Hawkburn also reminds visitors that the "Smell Of Mechanicsville" will be offering kids rides in a horse drawn engineless TransAm as well as unemployed clowns making fibreglass animals made out of unused construction insulation from a recent in-fill project.

The "Smell Of Mechanicsville" event begins in conjunction with "Taste Of Wellington" starting at 11am on Saturday Spetember 17 and runs until 4pm.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Man With Super Duty Crew Cab Turbo Diesel Pick-Up Truck Finds 400 Horsepower, 800lb-ft Torque Comes In Handy Picking Up Groceries

Carleton Place - A Carleton Place resident is thankful he opted to purchase the durable and reliable Super Duty Crew Cab Turbo Diesel with its impressive 400hp/800lb-ft torque after having to pick up both groceries AND a case of beer last Tuesday night. Daryl Cummins, 32, recently purchased his heavy duty vehicle after realizing he might need it to haul loads from in town to their 3 bedroom home 4km outside the town limits. "With the unexpected loads I might have to carry, the Super Duty Crew Cab was the logical choice." explained Cummins, who works in town at the local NAPA auto Parts counter. Cummins joins the ranks of every other male in Carleton Place who has to own a massive pick-up truck or else face ridicule from other males. In 2004, one unidentified Carleton Place male purchased a Japanese made hatchback and was ostracized from the community, resulting in his exodus to another city.

Cummins called upon the large amount of horsepower and torque in his Super Duty Crew Cab to retrieve 5 bags of groceries, including a case of Pepsi, and on the return home, a 24 case of Molson Canadian beer, pushing the truck to its performance limits. "I seen the other guys struggle with their V6's tryin' to haul groceries, so I knew I had to get the Turbo Diesel V8." reflected Cummins who is thankful for the ample horsepower under the hood of his new truck.
"Sometimes the wife wants me to pick up her elliptical machine from her ex's place, so I am pretty confident I can get the job done with this truck." Cummins beamed.

With sequential multi-point fuel injection, variable valve control and the strong 400hp turbo diesel, Cummins is sure he can tackle even the toughest chores with his truck. "Might have to move a buddy's stove and fridge next week, as well as take some garbage to the dump, so I am grateful I got the torque to get the job done." replied Cummins, who later joined all other male residents in town to discuss what day in November they should ride their snowmobiles around town.

New Traffic Light Confuses Motorists

Ottawa - The recent installation of a multi-signal traffic light on the corner of Rideau and King Edward Streets has some motorists concerned and somewhat confused, especially during rush-hour traffic flow. The new 48 light signal was installed to help alleviate traffic problems at the problem intersection, but has proved to be confusing and hard to decipher during when encountered. Since the installation of the new signal last week, there have been 47 reported collisions at the intersection, leading City Traffic officials to re-consider the implications of the new signal. “We thought this new traffic light would help ease some of the congestion and traffic flow problems at this busy intersection, but it looks like the light is causing even more problems.” explained City Traffic Manager Hugh Slovic. “Multiple advance greens, directional greens, and an assortment of flashing reds have some motorists confused, especially during the split second driving reactions of rush hour traffic.” Slovic remarked.

The new traffic light confuses some motorists with its 68 different light signals, and has even caused epileptic reactions in certain drivers who encounter the signal. A City Traffic Study is ongoing to see what solution, if any, can be reached at the intersection. In the meantime City officials advise motorists to avoid the area unless they enjoy frustrating wait times and dealing with confused motorists trying to figure out the traffic light.