Monday, October 31, 2011

Concerned Parents Implement Own Traffic Calming Measures

Wellington West - A group of concerned parents on Huron Ave. in Wellington Village have taken matters into their own hands regarding motorists who fail to slow down on their child inhabited, residential street. After repeated attempts to calm traffic with city-issued traffic calming measures, a group of concerned parents banded together to seek out and destroy speeding vehicles with covertly placed snipers, and a more sternly worded speed-radar sign. The controversial move has raised a few eyebrows at City Hall, but the majority of councillors seem in favour of the vigilante style crack down on residential speeders, and hope the use of extreme force will significantly reduce the speeds of bypassing traffic. "We told these residents a speed bump costs around $5,000 to install." Kitchissppi Ward councillor Katherine Hobbs explained. "In no way does the city endorse the use of violence to reduce speeders in residential areas, but we have seen a significant drop in speeding complaints since the Huron parents hired the sharp shooter." remarked Hobbs.

Motorists frequently will cut through Huron Ave in an attempt to avoid the busy Holland Avenue rush hour traffic, but this has caused numerous issues with Huron Street residents who are worried their children, who play in and around the street, could be injured or killed by the fast moving traffic. "Our kids play in these streets, and it has become increasingly dangerous for them." Huron Avenue resident Keith Archer stated. "We tried using the plastic frog sign with a flag to warn drivers to slow down, but that didn't work, and with the red tape of getting speed bumps installed, we thought contracting mercenary sharp shooters would be more effective in slowing speeders down." replied Archer.

So far 26 motorists have been gunned down for speeding through the residential West End street, reducing speeding by up to 85%. The hired snipers usually aim for the engine block of a speeding vehicle in question, but also have resorted to shooting out tires and fuel tanks. "We use armour piercing rounds that slice through an engine block like a hot knife through butter." hired sniper "Captain X" explained, who remains anonymous for security reasons. "If you are speeding down my contracted street, will be slowed down." the ex-Navy Seal warned.

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