Thursday, September 16, 2010

Barrhaven Refugee Boat Seized In Mooney's Bay

Hogs Back Park - Hundreds of fleeing refugees from the Barrhaven suburban district of Ottawa were found crowded into a freighter boarded by RCMP and Immigration officers Thursday afternoon. In search of a better life in the northern sector of the city, the ship carrying dozens of pale, well groomed, but commuter stressed Barrhavenites was seized and its occupants detained in a nearby quarantine area.

The overloaded boat carrying the refugees made its way up the treacherous Rideau River from Barrhaven before it was stopped by the HCMS Colonel By Naval Frigate on a routine patrol near Mooney's Bay Beach. The captain of the Colonel By signalled the boat to halt all engines but when the boat did not do so, warning shots were fired over its bow and then an elite commando force boarded the boat, seizing it and the occupants, who were found hungry and shivering in the cold cargo bays of the vessel.

"We noticed this ship coming up the channel from the south and thought it was suspicious, since most boats along the canal are full of bare chested retirees, but this boat had a large amount of nervous looking, pale suburbanites who seemed to be on a mission to flee." reported Officer Kendall, who was one of the first officers on the scene.

Seeking asylum and refugee status, many of the boat people pleaded with their captors to be freed from their miserable commuter lifestyle living in vinyl clad boxes, driving minivans, and existing in a treeless environment that leaves many of the Barrhavenites without hope or happiness. Anxious for a better life in the downtown core of the city, the refugees are optimistic they will be given the proper refugee status and begin a new life up river. Tents were set up to accommodate the Barrhavenites once they docked near Hogs Back Park, which lies just off the mainland metropolis.

A vacant emergency ward has been set aside in Riverside General Hospital for "triage, screening and diagnostics," hospital spokeswoman Shannon Marshall told the O-dot.

Healthy migrants will be released back to federal authorities, said Marshall, "while those who require further care will be admitted to an area of the hospital that will be kept separate from the general population."

Immigration officials fear that this recent seizure of a refugee boat is only the first of many making there way from the impoverished Barrhaven district and that "we should be preparing for a massive influx of suburbanites back into the city's core." Immigration spokesperson Helen Morven explained.

Mayor Larry O'Brien could not be reached for comment due to a previous engagement at the Geologiclal Society where he was amassing more kryptonite for his battle with Superman next month.


  1. I don't blame these refugees for wanting out, but Northern Ottawa has its own population to worry about! Just the other day I was approached by no less than five homeless person in the Market asking me if I had any spare change!

    Ship them all back! They're not going through the proper channels! We need to send a clear message to everyone trying to move into the urban area from the sub-urbans!

  2. Excellent post. Thanks for making me smile.

  3. "the O-dot"? .... really?
    Ottawa has so much more to offer than just likening itself to a mini Toronto.

    And if you were going to steal a nickname from another city, why pick a lame nickname to copy?
    How about "The Medium Smoke" or "Hog Village"?

    Come on... show a little creativity!

  4. Thank you for your comments Mr. Zeppo.

    Zeppo? .....Really?

    I hope for your sake that you are either a magician or a salesman for Zippo lighters with a name like that.

    The O-dot.

  5. Hahaaaaa! Haters gonna hate.