Fort Lauderdale - Retired Florida senior citizens are completely stoked about the influx of thousands of party-ready college students next week and can't wait to get "totally s---faced" alongside their younger companions. Hundreds of wintering Canadian seniors are bracing themselves for the party event of the year as their sleepy, well-manicured condos prepare for the over 20,000 gregarious under-25 year olds who descend upon their senior-lifestyle next week. "I really look forward to the young lads with no shirts urinating on the beach." remarked Sunset Pines resident Glynnis Haverton who has spent the last five years of her retirement enjoying the revelry of Spring Break beside her beachfront condo. "We usually beer bong with them, but last year it gave me terrible gas pain, so this year we'll use the dietary supplement beverage Ensure instead." an excited Haverton replied.
With many of the college crowd invading quiet Florida beaches to get intoxicated beyond belief, some residents are hoping they will be able to share in the fun, and forget about the hardships of being retired in Florida. Bringing excessive drinking to the retirement scene, many seniors look forward to the scantily clad youths "getting their drunk on" and passing out on their balconies or in their garages. "I really can't wait to see if Chad comes back this year from Penn State." reflected Ernie Humes who bonded with a young party-goer last year. "Chad and I really got wasted and met some nice ladies from Queen's who really knew how to dance to the Snoop Dogg." Humes commented.
Some residents are concerned that Spring Break festivities may spill into the early hours of the day, but with many seniors already getting up at 4am anyway, the problem is not too much of a concern. "We'll keep our eye on the Spring Breakers and make sure no one gets hurt or causes problems." explained County Sheriff Gus Harding. "Last year we had an impaired senior on a Rascal scooter so we'll be cracking down on the seniors as well as the students." Harding replied.