Ottawa - The city of Ottawa is in a state of disarray as it scrambles to open 34 more fake Irish pubs in time for St. Patrick's Day. With only 1,234,676 pubs to choose from in Ottawa, citizens are growing concerned they may not have a place to pretend they are Irish for one day. "Where will I go dressed in green doing my best Irish accent?" commented Bruce Jones, a financial advisor who is worried there won't be enough pubs for everyone to celebrate in. "This is the one time a year Ottawa needs to open more pubs than ever, and with only 5 pubs every 1 kilometre, there just won't be enough room for all of us." Jones replied.
A recent study has concluded that there is an average of approximately 24 pubs per square kilometre within the city limits, but that figure drops dramatically to 2 pubs per square kilometre in suburban areas like Barrhaven or Kanata, where pubs are relegated to big box malls or strip malls.
Mayor Jim Watson has called an emergency council meeting to organize a secondary plan of action if the 34 new pubs slated for opening on St. Patrick's Day fail to open on time. "The city requires at least 34 more pubs to open if this St. Patrick's Day is going to be a success." Watson exclaimed as he put into action a team of people to scour local junkyards and antique shops to purchase zany, eclectic and pub-like paraphernalia to adorn the walls of the many new pubs. Watson further proclaimed that he will be dressing up as the Lucky Charms leprechaun on March 17th in honour of St. Patrick's Day. "I have Hobbs dressing up as a Purple Horseshoe, so all we need now are these new pubs to open so I can make an appearance at all of them." Watson remarked.