City Fears Psychosis Outbreak In Westboro After People Seen Skiing Around With Poles But No Skis

Westboro - The City Of Ottawa is investigating a possible pandemic sweeping the Westboro neighbourhood after recent photographs captured individuals skiing along sidewalks with out skis, but using ski poles. “The only explanation is an infectious psychosis that is spreading among residents, causing them to think they are skiing along sidewalks using ski poles, but no skis.” Regional Health spokesperson Marianne Mackay replied after being asked about the bizarre behavior being witnessed in the West End neighbourhood.

Non-affected residents are asked to keep their distance from these “Polers” as a precaution in case the psychosis is highly contagious. It is best to avoid eye contact and do not interfere with their progress after one witness was accosted by a poler. “They just ram right into you as they swing their poles.” commented John Husslebeck who sustained minor injuries from a stray ski pole. “I guess they think they really are skiing down the sidewalk even though they are without skis.” Husslebeck remarked.

Any sightings of a “pole walker” are to be reported to the city for investigation by dialing 311 and reporting the location of the insane person skiing without skis.