Wacky Morning Radio Crew Excited About Upcoming Gig At Mattress Mart

Merivale Road- Ottawa listeners of the goofy but informative morning show, "The Jolt" will be pleased to know the crew at LITE 99.9 are having trouble controlling enthusiasm for their "live, on-location" broadcast from the Merivale Matress Mart Discount Depot this coming weekend. The chipper and wacky crew at LITE 99.9 are constantly ecstatic about the gig at Mattress Mart, where unbelievable deals on sleep sets will be announced live, on location.

"I just can't wait to spend my Saturday from 7am til 9pm broadcasting live from the Mattress Mart, bringing deals on bedding to the listening public." exclaimed spunky morning radio personality "Mudcat" Stevens, who is ripe with excitement about his live broadcast from the Merivale Road location of Mattress Mart. "This is what radio is all about, bringing smiles, music and deals on bedding to our faithful listeners." beamed co-host Daryl Kelly who shares the show with Mudcat and Jenny.

Known for their hilarious morning banter from 5am to 10am on Lite 99.9, the jokes are sure to continue into the rest of the day this Saturday when Mudcat airs hourly deals from Mattress Mart. "Where else can you get a queen size mattress set for under $399?" remarked Stevens, who also encourages listeners to stop by so they can pick up their free eco-friendly shopping bag. "Sometimes we have to be more than a wacky morning DJ to our listeners at 7am, we also have to bring information on bedding value."

The seemingly endless hilarity of jokes and safe humour brought to listeners of Lite 99.9 will continue during the live broadcast from Mattress Mart Saturday, where Mudcat hopes to introduce many musical favourites amidst amazing savings on box spring and mattress sets. "We are pretty hilarious with our banter in the studio, but now with the added element of broadcasting live, on location from a Mattress Mart, we are sure to take radio entertainment to a whole new level." Mudcat boasted.

Many listeners may remember the hilarity of a previous live, on location broadcast from The Brick last month where the goofy morning crew broadcast deals on furniture and electronics. The Mattress Mart gig is sure to top last month's broadcast, and Mudcat hopes people will stop in and experience the savings. "Our witty banter is one thing, but promoting quality single coil mattress sets is no joking matter." exclaimed Stevens.

Guy In Coffee Shop Fails to Attract Attention After 5 Hour Stay

Wellington West - The guy who is frequently seen at the popular coffee shop "Bridgehead" once again failed to attract any female attention after a record 5 hour stay at his corner table. Hoping to at least garner a passing smile or acknowledgement of his trendy yoga bag, the mid-thirties Government worker says he will not give up and will return tomorrow to surf the net and drink lattes at the busy coffee shop.

Introducing himself only as "Gary", hopes are high to attract attention tomorrow when he plans to bring even more intellectually stimulating props, such as novels by obscure Russian authors, an organic knapsack from Machu Picchu, and a bamboo briefcase. "It's just a matter of time before an equally interesting person will ask to borrow my extra chair or the orgnaic honey I bring from home and display on my table." Gary mused. Most customers that frequent the shop are similarily equipped at tables throughout the premises, but none are as committed to their stay as Gary who usually sits at his table for up to 4 hours at a time.

Of particular interest is the fact that Gary has high speed internet access at his recently purchased one bedroom condo down the street, but prefers the louder, more ambient atmosphere of Bridgehead to check emails, post blogs and book GAP adventure trips. "Why would I want to work undisturbed at home when I can come here and take up table space while I sip my one latte for 5 hours?" Gary explained.

Plans to return tomorrow may have to be put on hold for the time being since a massive 5 wheeled stroller was crushed into the coffee shop by an over-zealous new mother whose designer sunglasses impaired her vision, spilling organic milk onto Gary's laptop rendering it inoperative. "That's ok, at least I can still use it as a prop even if doesn't work and just read my Latvian Screen Writers Guidebook instead." remarked Gary.

Apple Launches New iGun For American Market

California - In a surprise launch Thursday afternoon, Apple's CEO Steve Jobs enthusiastically introduced his company's latest product, the much anticipated iGun. Geared towards the growing criminal and gangster market in America, Jobs revealed the iGun with great fanfare and treated the press to a demonstration, firing several rounds into the ceiling and then almost simultaneously Tweeting about it on the cellular weapon device.

Jobs explained this latest product from Apple will not only provide its users with 4G communication and data capabilities, but also personal protection and advanced defence convenience. Combining the technology of the already popular iPhone, with the robust firepower of a 9mm, Jobs hopes the iGun will reach the growing gangster and criminal market that he thinks has been overlooked in the past. "Sometimes you need to protect yourself or fire a few rounds for personal reasons, but also record or update your media profiles about these events that just took place. The new iGun will be able to now do both." Jobs explained.

A host of new apps have already been planned in conjunction with the iGun's October release, with many related to the product's features as a hand gun. Such apps include "Round Count" that informs the user how much ammo is left in the device. "On Target" is an app that helps the owner with their aim using a special gyroscope function. Of particular interest current is the "Tracker App" that allows users to GPS monitor certain individuals for targeting purposes.

Now with both firepower and cellular services combined, Apple has the advantage over its competitors who are somewhat surprised by the product's versatility. "We knew they had something up their sleeve, but this is amazing." stated Nokia chairman Hans Glummer, who noted his company will be offering a similar product in the spring.

The iGun will only be available through Apple retail outlets in the United States, and require a permit to purchase. Suggested retail price will be $499 USD.

OC Transpo Introduces Plan To Improve Service

Ottawa - The city's transit system is about to improve dramatically according to OC Transpo head, Gil Fallon, who launched new initiatives to improve Ottawa's beleaguered bus service. At a press conference early Wednesday morning, Fallon unveiled a bold new plan that includes personable stop calls, a new 24km articulated bus, and the swift removal of any head grease stains on bus windows.

After much consideration, OC Transpo has decided to drop expensive plans for an automated PA system to call out route stops, instead choosing a more economically feasible plan to hire former NORTEL employees using megaphones. This new plan will not only employ hundreds of previously unemployed Nortel workers, but also offer riders a more personable and intimate ride experience. "We hope our clients will enjoy the live call-outs as opposed to the cold, computerized system we had originally considered." Fallon explained. Former Nortel employees are excited at the chance to work again and be integrated back into the work force. "I can still wear my ties and interact with the public in a positive manner." Jim Lisk remarked as he attended megaphone traing sessions yesterday.

OC Transpo also has recently purchased a 24km long articulated bus that will alleviate wait times and crowding along the Transitway. "Now folks can just hop on one gigantic bus and since the Transitway is only 27km to begin with, the bus will only have to travel a short distance conserving fuel and operating costs." stated Fallon. Some riders are concerned they will have to walk great distances once inside the bus, but moving pedways along the center aisle have been installed to address the issue.

Over 100 new janitorial staff have been hired by OC Transpo to swiftly remove the head grease stains that predominant most bus windows in an effort to improve service. "Riders used to not look out the windows because they were repulsed by the grease stains from people falling asleep against the glass, but now with our clean-up staff, we hope they will once again enjoy the beautiful scenery the city has to offer." Fallon urged.

Rider morale is projected to rise considerably with this new "action plan" and already there seems to be a positive response. "I can't wait to hear the megaphone call-outs in a clear, discernible voice. Being blind, I rely on the stop calls and before I could hardly make out the garbled, distorted sounds coming from the driver." Holly Nerbin exclaimed. "And the new super- long bus should make missing my bus a thing of the past."

Eco-Friendly Vehicles With Kayaks Now Mandatory For All Westboro Residents

Westboro - City Council unanimously voted to make it a mandatory for all residents of the Westboro area of Kitchissippi Ward to own an eco-friendly vehicle with a roof mounted kayak. The new bylaw takes effect this Friday September 10, and any residents not complying will be faced with a $109.34 fine.

With most residents of Westboro already complying with the regulation, the transition should be an easy one for most of the neighbourhood, although some residents are upset and think that City Council has gone too far. “Last year they made us all use giant three wheel strollers for our children, the year before that we could only have Labradoodles as pets, and now this year, a hybrid/kayak combo?” exclaimed Denbury Avenue resident Barb Holden who recently bought a Porsche Cayenne SUV instead of the preferred hybrid/kayak. “I even became an organic vegan and wear Lulu-Lemon as requested by our property purchase contract, but each day I’m finding it harder to live in the neighbourhood” remarked Holden.

Kitchissippi Councillor Christine Leadman explained the hybrid/kayak combo will not only help the environment, but ensure the Westboro area has a consistent appearance. Residents will still be free to choose the type of hybrid vehicle they own, but the kayak must be yellow and be purchased at either Trailhead or Bushtaka. “The neighbourhood has an image to maintain, and we need to make sure that image is strictly enforced.” Leadman stated.

The predicted increase in kayak sales will not necessarily mean an increase in usage on the Ottawa River, since most owners will simply have the kayak on the roof of their car for decorative purposes. Bushtaka owner, Hal Williams explained. “Most kayak and roof rack sales are to project an ‘outdoorsy, adventurous’ image of the owner, but rarely is the kayak actually used.” Williams has already pre-ordered 5,000 yellow kayaks in anticipation of the new bylaw, and expects demand to be gradual, but steady. “This trend will probably exceed the fleece sweater-vest trend of 1998, but we are confident our store can supply our customers with the look they need to reside in this wonderful and dynamic neighbourhood.”

Mayor McCheese, Spartacat Announce Candidacy For Mayor

Ottawa - The race for Mayor continues to heat up as both Mayor McCheese and Spartacat filed their nomination papers at City Hall this afternoon. McCheese held a press conference outside City Hall and spoke to the media and supporters about his upcoming campaign in a firm, but jovial manner. "I vow to make this town a deliciously enticing city to live in while delivering, fast, hot and great tasting service to its citizens." exclaimed McCheese. The media quickly barraged McCheese with questions regarding Lansdowne Park and transit issues, but a hovering flock of seagulls began to attack McCheese's bun head and he soon retreated to a waiting limousine. Before departing McCheese did announce that he looks forward to crushing his opponents and hopes the citizens of Ottawa will make the "right decision" when they go to the ballots on October 25.

Known for his tough stance on crime, many will remember McCheese's prosecution of the Hamburglar in 2004, and his recent deportation of Grimace back to his country of origin. McCheese is also known for his controversial development plans for Lansdowne, which integrates shopping with fast food and a 10,000 square foot "ball room" and slide area.

As McCheese left his press conference, Spartacat then took the stage, but due to an inability to speak, began firing his trademark hot dog gun into the audience, delivering a warm lunch to many onlookers. As the media hounded Spartacat with questions about his candidacy for Mayor, he became excited and started dancing to MC Hammer's uplifting song "Can't Touch This" and then moonwalked off stage.

Fellow candidate Jim Watson was unavailable for comment due to appearances at 34 different venues that day, but current Mayor Larry O'Brien remarked "The race for Mayor gets more and more interesting each day, but with my stockpile of Kryptonite, Superman and his Legion of Superheroes won't stand a chance." O'Brien was then seen exiting City Hall in a helicopter apparently en route to his secret lair.

Office Workers Seriously Sunburned During Extended Patio Lunch

Preston Street - What was supposed to be a casual lunch break took a tragic turn Wednesday afternoon when 3 members of the Systems Sales Branch of LogiTex Corp. suffered major sunburns during an extended patio lunch. Initially the lunch was supposed to be no more than an hour, but when Chad Kinsler joined the table, things got crazy, and two more pitchers of Coor's Light were ordered and the UV rays took their toll on the unaware patrons.

After enjoying a delectable assortment of Munchie Platter items, the group of 3 office workers thought they might order another round of drinks after closing the important Lynksys Account, but with the UV index in the high 8 range, the unknowing cubicle workers were bombarded by damaging radiation from the sun resulting in massive sunburning, with 2 members of the group being rushed to hospital soon after the third pitcher. "Glen was just laughing at a joke I made about our the secretary, and then he just collapsed into his blue cheese dressing" exclaimed Rob Siddler, a co-worker who was part of the patio lunch. "The weather was good, the waitresses were bringing us drinks, and before we knew it, we were in the sun for like, 3 hours straight." Siddler remarked.

Ambulances arrived at the patio restaurant on Preston, and the two sun-stroked victims were treated at the nearby Civic Hospital. Local physician Margot Harmstein gave some insight to to the tragedy. "A lot of these office workers sit in subdued fluorescent light all day, and then they go to a patio and sit in direct high UV sun for hours, resulting in exposure trauma." Harmstein warns the over zealous office workers should remain in the shade to avoid further tragedy. "Just keep in the shade and remain hydrated." Harmstein advised.

The unidentified office workers still remain in hospital but are expected to recover in time for the Friday Rib Off Barbecue on the patio beside the LogiTex office.