Ottawa- Andrew Haydon Park on the shores of the picturesque Ottawa River was the backdrop this past Sunday for the annual Carruthers Family Picnic. Bringing together upwards of 20 members of the Carruthers family to one location for more than 20 minutes forced individuals to pretend they actually cared about fellow family members while they ate undercooked M&M Meatshop burgers and dry, home-made coleslaw.
"I made sure to bring lots of beer in the cooler to get through this ordeal." lamented Tim Carruthers, second cousin to Beatrice Carruthers, who organized the family event again this year. "I knew I'd be trapped listening to various family members talking about their assorted medical ailments so I wanted to make sure I had enough alcohol on hand to endure it." Tim explained. "Last year I ended up examining Aunt Gladys' neck goiter."
Only ever having to mingle and converse with each other at funerals and Christmas parties, the Carruthers made a successful attempt to engage one another in pleasant conversation without breaking down into the usual arguing and name-calling. Delicious picnic food items brought to the potluck event also helped ease any tension. There was only one reported instance of an altercation when Uncle Hank asked Cousin Gary if he ever planned on getting a girlfriend with Uncle Hank expressing his thoughts that Gary might be gay. After a brief verbal altercation and an intervention from Grandma Lori, the situation was successfully diffused.
After three hours of forced pleasantries and 28 bottles of home made wine being consumed, the picnic quickly wrapped up with family members all insincerely saying "They should do this more often" and "It's been too long" before quickly retreating to their vehicles and hastily leaving the park.