McDonald's Denies Claims Shamrock Shakes Contain Leprechaun Meat

Ottawa - The Canadian Food inspection Agency is undergoing an investigation into claims that McDonald's restaurants have been using leprechaun meat in the production of their popular Shamrock Shakes dessert beverages. The lime green,  creamy beverage has been enjoyed by countless customers across North america and has been under scrutiny lately after an investigation revealed there may be traces of small, Irish gnome creatures in their mixture.

Canadian Food Inspection Agency spokesperson, Linda Smail answered questions from the media about their investigation into the leprechaun claims, citing customers reporting a distinct "Irish odour" in the beverage and that the Shamrock Shake had an unusually "meaty" consistency.

Enjoyed by many McDonald's customers in the weeks leading up to St. Patrick's Day, the Shamrock Shake was discontinued in the 1990's until 2011 when it made a combeack. The original recipe contained mint, ice cream and green food colouring, but more recently, traces of leprechaun have been detected after one customer reported a miniature buckled shoe in her Shamrock Shake.

McDonald's spokesperson David Grayson says the claims of Leprechaun meat in the Shamrock Shakes is unsubstantiated and hopes customers will still continue to enjoy the delicious, minty green ice cream treats. "Every Shamrock Shake has a bit of Irish in it, that's why we're called McDonald's and not MacDonald's".

Home Depot Tests New Fuchsia Colour Scheme

Area Home Depot stores are testing a new vibrant fuchsia colour scheme.

Ottawa - In an attempt to lure more female customers to their business, Home Depot began market testing their new fuchsia colour scheme on select Home Depot outlets in the Ottawa area this week. The bold new colour scheme that will replace the standard construction orange hue, will hopefully appeal to the growing female demographic with its vibrant, zesty,  purply pink hue.

Francine Helmsly, Home Depot Director of Marketing And Promotions, describes the new colour scheme as a departure from the standard man-centric orange hue, but thinks the new colour scheme will appeal to the growing female do-it yourselfer demographic. "We're seeing more and more ladies strapping on a tool belt, so we wanted to reach out and capture the essence of bridging the gap between the typical man oriented store we've become known for." Helmsly described. 

Area Ottawa Home Depot stores have undergone extensive repainting of their typical orange colour schemes to the new fuchsia colours over the last two weeks and expect favourable reactions from customers. "We think both burly construction workers/contractors and female home improvers will enjoy our new colours and continue to make Home Depot an important part of their home improvements." said Helmsly.

New Hands Free Car Finally Allows Hands On Phone Calls

Ottawa - Drivers annoyed they can't make hands on phone calls will be pleased to know a new hands free car will be released that will make their phone calling abilities that much easier. Eliminating the need to utilize their hands for driving the vehicle, drivers are now free to use their hands to make phone calls, check emails or send text messages on their cellular devices. Once a pesky and hindering problem, the new Chevy "Freedom" makes it possible to operate a cell phone while the car drives itself using computer and satellite guidance systems.

The new hands free car allows drivers to now use their cell
phones constantly while driving.

Drivers and mobile phone companies alike are already embracing the new hands free car technology and hail it as a "breakthrough in allowing cell phone users to constantly be on their phones." Using a technology developed at Kanata's SynTechergy, the Freedom car uses a satellite GPS technology that steers and controls the car after a destination has been pre-programmed into the navigation system.

Once programmed, the car guides itself through traffic and frees the driver to make important calls to BFFs, kids, or send racy texts to important recipients without the distraction of having to drive a vehicle. An override option allows drivers to opt for the hands on experience of driving the car once their texts, phone or email messaging has been completed.

Freedom car Product Manager Harold Chestle believes they have developeda car that will put cell phones back in the hands of drivers, eliminating the withdrawl symptoms most cell phone users experience when having to turn off their phones while driving. "No one wants to be without a minute of connection time, and the Freedom makes sure you can be connected at all times." Chestle remarked. Prouction of the new Freedom car begins in March with showroom delivery expected in early April.

Aging Snowbirds Aerobatic Team To Be Replaced With Unmanned Drones

Newly acquired drone aircraft will replace the Snowbirds aerobatic team
in 2015 using a pre-programmed computer flight demonstration.

OTTAWA — The Canadian Forces is planning to purchase a new fleet of unmanned drone aircraft to replace its aging Snowbirds aerobatics team, according to recent DND documents.  The Snowbirds will need new planes by 2015 and it has been decided the unmanned drones are the cheapest and most viable option.

The Snowbirds aerobatic aviation team is seen as a key public relations tool for the military, with thousands of spectators enjoying their display of aerobatic prowess and spine tingling skills. The Snowbirds fleet of CT-114 Tutors will be retired by December 2014, according to the documents. “Based on this planned retirement date, the air force has purchased some unmanned drones for aerobatic testing that would address the continued provision of a Canadian air demonstration capability,” stated an email from the air force.

The current Snowbird CT-114 Tutor jets and their pilots will be obsolete
and retired in 2014 with unmanned drones replacing them.

The unmanned drones would be remotely operated and perform their demonstration based on a pre-programmed flight sequence computed by a central computer system. "We are basically eliminating any human risk or pilot skills, and in turn, excitement." said Deputy Air Minister Moss.

Moss, a former Snowbirds commanding officer and team leader, said the air force’s decision to use the drones is economical and comes at a time when pilots don't need to risk their lives anymore. “We only have about 9 fighter pilots, and we'd be stretching them thin if we had them doing stunts.” said Moss.

The  current Snowbird planes have been in the Canadian Forces inventory since 1963 and have been used by the Snowbirds team since 1971, and will be used as training Cub Scouts for their aeronautical badges and in community parades once retired.

Using drones would increase the ability of the Snowbirds to perform in a variety of airshows and even wow crowds in war-torn foreign countries such as Afghanistan and Syria. "Before the drones attack the enemy with their laser guided ordnance, we'd give them an amazing aerobatic display that will probably be the best show they'll see before being blown to pieces." Moss remarked.

Canal Skater Survives Cold By Slicing Open, Crawling Inside IceHog Mascot

A near-frozen Melissa Gramson is seen here curled up inside the sliced open
IceHog mascot, TUTU on the canal today.

Ottawa - A near-frozen skater on the Rideau Canal survived the icy temperatures by slicing open a nearby IceHog mascot with a skate blade and crawling inside it's warm innards this morning. With temperatures in Ottawa around the -31degree range with windchill, some ill-prepared skaters on the newly opened Rideau Canal ice surface suffered frostbite and in this case, near death.  Twenty year old, third year Political Science student Melissa Gramson, wore only LuluLemon yoga pants and a Roots sweater while skating on the canal this morning, and collapsed to the ice before making it past the first marker. The extreme cold temperatures also collapsed a nearby IceHog mascot, TUTU, whose plush fur could not protect it enough from the cold. Crawling over to the felled mascot, Gramson used her newly sharpened skate blade to slice open the mascot, and crawl inside its still warm stomach cavity.

Paramedics arrived two hours later to find Gramson barely alive inside the mascot intestinal tract, but were able to airlift the Ottawa U student to a nearby hospital where she is recovering in stable condition. TUTU the IceHog mascot was taken to OMRH (Ottawa Mascot Recovery Hospital) where medical staff presume TUTU will make a full recovery and be back waving goofily to the skaters on the canal within the next couple of weeks.

Feral Spartacat Tranquilized, Captured After 113 Day Escape

Spartacat chasing Park Wildlife Officials Monday morning.

Wildlife Officials had to fire 7 tranquilizers into Sparty to immobilize him.

Ottawa - The spunky Spartacat mascot for the Ottawa Senators hockey team was tranquilized and brought back for active duty yesterday after park officials tracked and found the feral beast in Gatineau Park. Having reverted into a feral cat state during the NHL lockout which lasted 113 days, Spartacat has been living in the wild capturing deer and small rabbits to survive according to wildlife sepcialists hired to track Sparty. "We spotted his large, goofy footprints in the freshly fallen snow, and tracked him  to a clearing in the woods where he was feasting on a rabbit he had just captured in his furry, lovable maw." explained Gatineau Wildlife Ranger Claudette Laroque. "After circling Sparty we fired a tranquilizer into his plush eye, at which point he grew irritated and started to chase us through the woods." said Laroque.

A sedated Spartacat is brought in for mascot duty.

During the 113 day NHL lockout, which left Spartacat unemployed and without a home, the zany Sens mascot retreated into the wilderness where he reverted into a feral cat state. Unable to use his t-shirt cannon to immobilize prey for eating, Spartacat used his plush fangs and oversized paws to capture food and survive in the Gatineau Park wilderness until being captured Monday afternoon.

Once park wildlife officials were able to land a few tranquilizer darts into Sparty, he succumbed to the relaxant drug, and was carted off by officials from the Ottawa Senators hockey franchise and returned to Scotiabank Place for remedial goofiness training. With the NHL hockey season starting soon, Sparty will be joining his teammates in preparing to entertain the crowds of fans that will soon fill Scotiabank Place again. "We hope to have Spartacat back to his crazy old self soon enough." Sens Entertainment Manager Glen Stitts remarked. "Once we get him back on steady diet of egg-rolls and into zany training, he'll be dancing to Gangnam Style for the fans in no time." 

Growing Snow Banks Force All Ottawa Traffic Into Just One Lane

Growing snowbanks force traffic into one-way, single lane travel on all city streets.

Ottawa - The recent large accumulation of snow across the region has created giant snowbanks on city streets forcing all traffic to drive in a single file down most streets. The growing snowbanks are slowly encroaching onto roadways bringing a normal two lane street down to one lane. Sidewalks are also becoming narrower due to the snowbank infringement, resulting in parents having to push strollers single file in the Wellington West area of Ottawa.

Parking on city streets has become non-existent, with many cars forced to just park on top of snowbanks and ski down the slopes to the street below. Most bike paths were also limited to unicycle riding in single file format only.

City Road crews are having a difficult time keeping city streets free of snowbanks with the constant accumulation of snow, but are hoping to clear the snowbanks and resume two lane traffic sometime soon. For now, the city is advising motorists to learn to drive angled at 45 degrees on two wheels down the narrow one lane streets if they can.