Transitway Trench Converted Into Westboro Kayak Commuting Canal

Westboro - Flooding of the OC Transpo Transitway trench that runs from Westboro Station to Bayview Station began yesterday after residents of the area successfully lobbied City Hall to convert the 4 km stretch of trench into a kayak commuting canal. A popular form of transportation with Westboro residents, kayaks can now now commute freely from the Westboro station to the downtown core via the new waterway. Using a lock system similar to the Rideau Canal, the new kayak canal allows kayaking commuters to paddle safely and efficiently downtown during morning rush hour and home again in the late afternoon. Flooding of the trench takes place daily between 6am and 8am, with kayakers permitted to use the waterway between 8am-6pm, after which the trench is drained for evening bus route use.


"This new kayak canal is a step in the right direction towards a greener and more eco-friendly form of commuting within the city of Ottawa." announced Mayor Jim Watson at a press conference held earlier Monday afternoon. "Using an innovative flooding and draining system, we will successfully allow the eco-conscious residents of Westboro to kayak freely and safely along the Transitway trench, drastically reducing carbon-emissions within the city." exclaimed Watson. Westboro Community President Diane Horgan-Smith applauded the decision to allow Westborians to kayak in the trench and looks forward to many others using it as viable form of commuting transport. "The trench makes a great kayak route for us to get into our government jobs downtown while at the same time providing a tranquil and fitness-oriented  means of transportation." Horgan-Smith remarked.


The kayak canal will use water pumped in from the nearby Ottawa river, and is expected to be closed for most of the summer due to high counts of E.Coli that occurs during that time. Kayakers can use the trench waterway free of charge but will have to pay for storage of their kayaks and/or parking of their Subarus that carry the kayaks at either end zone. At a cost of $1.00 an hour to park their vehicle and kayaks, many residents are excited about the prospect of using the trench and hope to see man-made rapids installed in the coming years. "I can't wait to traverse the Tunney's chute to work!" exclaimed one enthusiastic kayaker, Drew Slandros, 34, from Westboro. "The commute should be even more fun when they stock the canal with koi fish next week." 

Sens Play-Off Beards Affecting Gameplay

Foligno trips over his own beard during Game 5

Ottawa - The Ottawa Senators dramatic loss to the New York Rangers after Monday night's Game 6 has some people speculating the player's beards may be the root of their problem. Sporting traditional play-off beards, members of the Senators hockey team sometimes find themselves tripping over their own beards during the game, limiting their chances of scoring. Other beard related problems on the ice include impaired vision as the long beards blow in front of their eyes, stick tangling and also obstruction of movement during shots on goal. 

With beard growth varying between the players, many have shorter beards, while others have extremely long beard growth that could be causing on-ice problems, preventing the Senators from scoring. "The long beards could definitely be posing a problem with regards to our scoring chances." commented Senators Head Coach Paul MacLean who thinks the beards are hindering the the team's abilities to score. "We lost a couple scoring opportunities when Neil's beard tripped Turris in front of the net last night, but we'll have to review thew tapes." MacLean exclaimed from under his large groomed moustache.



The Ottawa Senators move to New York for Game 7 Thursday night where it is not known if the beards will be trimmed for the final game of the series. 

Ottawa Gets New All-Ad, All-Adele Radio Station

Ottawa - The competitive radio scene in Ottawa continues to heat up after it was announced today that a broadcasting licence was awarded to the New ADHEL 99.9, a radio station that will only broadcast ads and Adele. The new AdHel 99.9 hit the airwaves yesterday morning with a completely music -free broadcast of ads bridged by popular Adele tunes.

Hoping to corner the ever increasing ad-market in Ottawa radio, AdHel 99.9 hopes to cash in on the popularity of ads and Adele in one fell swoop, using the popularity of the Grammy winning Adele to help promote their all-ad format. Vice President of Marketing at AdHel 99.99, Mark Gleberzon, hopes the new all-ad format will entice new listeners who are tired of listening to local radio stations playing pesky music all the time. "We feel AdHel 99.9 will offer a delightful mix of local ads and the ever so-popular Adele in a winning combination that will sure to please." stated Gleberzon.

Using popular radio ads from Subway, Dilawri Automotive Group, and Sleep Country Canada, Gelberzon hopes the new all-ad format will make a splash on the airwaves and give listeners a chance to hear what a lot of people hope for: more ads. "We'll have all the favourites including the five-dollar foot long Subway ad, The Nobody Deals Like Dilawri! jingle as well as a heavy rotation of the Frisby Tire Guy telling you what tires you should currently have on your car." explained Gleberzon. "And all the ads will be bridged seamlessly with the undeniably enjoyable sounds of Adele, who is popular in her own right." Gleberzon explained.

The New AdHel 99.9 kicks off their new daily broadcast each morning using a zippy morning show called the "Jingle Jam" with personalities "LocoLenny" and "The Hudge" from 6-9am. After the morning show the station switches to their all-ad format, with news on the hour, each hour. A special station kick-off event is planned for this Saturday where AdHel-99.9 will be live, on-location at The Brick in Kanata Centrum from 9am-noon with free coffee mugs being distributed.

Lego Launches New "Westboro" Themed Playsets

Westboro - Lego has announced plans to release a new line of "Westboro" themed playsets for an early Summer 2012 launch. The popular children's building brick manufacturer is using Ottawa's trendy Westboro neighbourhood as the basis for its latest themed playsets. Along with its top-selling "Star Wars", "City" and "Construct" series of themed playsets, the Westboro series will focus on well-known Westboro themes such as condos, strollers and even hipsters that frequent the area just outside the Westboro zone.

Lego Vice President of Marketing, Largo Jensaan revealed the launch of the new Westboro building sets during a press conference at Ottawa City Hall Monday evening. Calling the new line a "breakthrough in neighbourhood-centric playsets" , Jensaan calls the Westboro themed building sets a "great way for kids to recreate the neighbourhood they live in, or hope to live in someday". Lego researched the area over the course of 8 months in 2009 and developed the new themed playsets to reflect the most popular and interesting aspects of the community. "We noticed a lot of kayaks, strollers and a large number of condo developments along with an adult population that worked for the federal government." exclaimed Jensaan. "We focused our building sets to recreate that neighbourhood dynamic so kids could replicate the same sense of excitement." Lego also found that a large number of their sales were centred in the Westboro neighbourhood, further prompting them to develop a series that catered to the children who enjoy their product the most.

The new series of "Westboro" playsets includes a 28 story condo tower, a Westboro Daddy with stroller, a kayak, a federal government office cubicle, as well as a hipster from the more easterly Hintonburg neighbourhood that sports an Elmdale Tavern shirt, a scruffy beard, large rimmed glasses and a taco and microbrew in the toy figure's hand. The Westboro Lego playsets will be available at Lost Marbles in Westboro June 1, and other stores across Canada June 15th.

Bell Readies New $1-Per-Call Smart Payphone

Ottawa - Bell Canada prepares to launch its new "Smart" payphone called the "iBooth" this week after announcing plans to double payphone charges from 50 cents to $1.00. The new iBooth will justify the doubling in payphone use costs by offering such features as a self sanitizing app that sprays the screen with ammonia, killing germs and finger grease after each use. The new $1 payphone will also allow users to access weather apps, text and even use Twitter, as well as featuring apps that will allow drug deals and hooker calls to be made with the greatest of ease.

Designed in conjunction with Apple Inc. , the new iBooth will make the leap to $1-per-use seem like a bargain after replacing the antiquated,

touch tone, corded handsets of the old payphones. Director Of Development at Bell, John Francis, thinks the new iBooth will revolutionize the way drug deals are made and hookers conduct business. "Market research found that our payphones

were used primarily for closing or arranging a drug deal, or for securing prostitution by either hookers or their clients." explained Francis. "The new iBooth should make their tasks that much easier and worth the extra money the payphone will cost to operate." Francis remarked. "We even have a 'scent' app that mists the entire unit with a sanitizing deodorant spray so payphones will no longer smell like an ashtray filled with bile." said Francis who hopes the new iBooths will be in operation next week.

Conversion of the old, touch tone, corded handset payphones to the new, smart iBooths will continue over the next few days with an official launch planned for April 15th.

New MECDonald’s Restaurant To Open In Westboro

Westboro - Popular Westboro outdoor outfitter Mountain Equipment Co-Op recently started work expanding their business into the neighbourhood, with some residents speculating it was for an expandedl kayak showroom. However, sources report the expansion is for a new fast food restaurant partnered with McDonald’s. Dubbed “MECDonald’s”, the new fast food eatery will cater to MEC customer’s who want food, folks and fun in a healthy, sustainable format.

Using health-conscious and organic ingredients the new MECDonald’s will serve a selection of healthy menu items including Tofu Nuggets, Quarter Granola With Cottage Cheese, Protein Shakes, Filet O’Vegan and The Big Flax. Partnered with muti-national fast food chain McDonald’s, the new MECDonald’s will use the popular Ronald McDonald character to promote their menu choices, but under a new name of Ronnie Runner, a more health conscious symbol of the food being served at MECDonald’s

Utilizing the more bistro-like setting that many McDonal’ds locations are converting to, the Westboro location is taking it one step further with the launch of MECDonald’s, which will also offer sell memberships to the restaurant at $5 a share. Kids are welcomed to sample “Morose Meals” that cater to children under 12. Comprising of a gluten-free spelt bun filled with organic greens and a side of kale chips, the Morose Meal will also come with a delightful safety reflector toy.

“I think its just what the neighbourhood needs.” exclaimed MECDonald’s Manager Mark Nutcliffe who thinks it will be a popular eating spot for both shoppers and visitors to the area. “We offer healthy alternatives to fast food that will satisfy any active lifestyle appetite.” Nutcliffe remarked. The new MECDonald’s is slated for a July 31st opening this summer.

Hipster Obesity On The Rise In Hintonburg

Hintonburg: With the addition of a new gourmet taco stand in the trendy hipster hang-out of Hintonburg, studies are showing alarming levels of Hipster Obesity, or HO, in the Ottawa neighbourhood. Hipsters in the hundreds are flocking to the variety of new foodie shacks springing up in the neighbourhood, resulting in alarming levels of HO.

Sampling large volumes of burgers from Hintonburger, Tacos from Tacolot, gourmet donuts from SuzyQ, and cupcakes from Isobel's, these highly fattening foods are then washed down with the drinking of trendy microbrew beers from one of the many new bars located throughout Hintonburg. Ottawa Health Advisor Dean Lomez is concerned the intake of all these hipster-centric foods are causing drastic health issues for residents in the neighbourhood. "We are seeing lots of buttons popping off plaid shirts, skinny jeans tearing and large rimmed glasses falling off faces of local hipsters." remarked Lomez who hopes the hipsters will realize their intake of all these unhealthy foods may cause obesity. "These 20 year olds think they can just eat whatever they want because they are young, but most of these folks have sedentary web design or desk jobs that don't allow the caloric intake to be burned." Lomez commented. "Riding a bike you found in the dumpster two blocks is not going to burn off the 2000 calorie burger and gourmet bacon donut and 4 microbrews." explained Lomez who hopes local hipsters will realize their diet of shack food could be harmful.

A recent study by the Hipster Obesity Foundation in Sacramento, California has shown there is usually a large increase in Hipster Obesity after gourmet food stands set up in a known hipster neighbourhood. Once the trendy food stands have been established, local hipsters and "foodies" swarm to them to stuff their faces and later blog about it, not realizing the impact on their health.

The neighbourhood could also face further challenges to HO when a current shack is being converted from an old meth lab into the "Skin Shack" that will serve fried chicken skin draped over buttered ice cream. "Let's hope the city puts regulations in place that prevent too many of these highly caloric shacks from popping up in Hintonburg." Lomez lamented.