Monday, February 24, 2014

Westboro Couple Looking Forward To Going To Bed At 9pm Tonight

Westboro - Leslie and Steve are excited at the prospect of an early night to bed this evening thanks to a new exercise regime and the end of the Olympics. "We can't wait to dim the lights of our condo and slip into our individually engineered organic mattresses so we can wake up at 5am to run in -30 degrees." exclaimed Leslie, a longtime Westboro resident. The decision to head to bed early was made easier with the completion of the latest Winter Olympics that sometimes pushed the couple's bedtime past 10pm. "We found ourselves staying up past 9pm to watch the freestyle competitions and of course the luge." remarked Steve who has to be up early to get his cubicle by 7am, a self imposed schedule he likes so he can be home by 3pm.

With weekends a little more lax, the couple will go to bed at 10pm so they they can sleep in until 8am when they get up for couples hot yoga and then enjoy a latte at Bridgehead by 10am and finish their weekend shopping at Herb & Spice.

The new early bedtime should prove to a hit with the Westboro couple who look to their condo neighbours for inspiration, a group of people who regularly enter REM sleep by 9pm.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Matte Black Paint Finish Dramatically Reduces Glare For Drivers With White Sunglasses: Study

A driver with white sunglasses in his older model matte black Honda Civic.
White sunglasses.
Ottawa - After a sixteen month study into the effects of glare onto men's white sunglasses it was determined that a matte black paint finish can reduce driver glare by up to 75%. Conducted by the National Research Council Bro Labs, the in-depth study proves that a driver who spray paints their older model Civic, Acura or other vehicle makes with a matte black paint can expect to reduce the blinding glare from the sun. 

A popular trend in automotive finishes, the matte black paint was also found to create a "stealth" like radar signature that makes it almost invisible to ordinary citizens who may have been drawn to the car's custom exhaust, 20inch chrome wheels or intense subwoofer. 

The sun's glare is reduced by up to 75% on white sunglasses.
White sunglasses, which are popular with many of the drivers of the matte black painted vehicles, also showed an increased efficiency in attracting the female species when used in conjunction with one another. The study, which tested over 300 vehicles and their drivers illustrated that the two need to be combined for the most optimal results. NRC officials also stated the matte black finish does not apply to Jeep Wranglers because they already have been engineered to work well with the white sunglasses.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Employee Brings Lunch In No Less Than 28 Separate Tupperware Containers

Miriam Tanner, 34, with her 30 or so Tupperware lunch containers.

Ottawa - An employee of Synth-tec Creative Strategies on Slater St. continues to bring her lunch from home in at least 28 separate Tupperware containers every single day. The assortment of Tupperware contains a complete selection of food items that range from leftover Chinese food, to salads, to apple sauce and nuts. Miriam Tanner, 34, a level 4 production manager who has been with Synth-tec Creative Strategies since 2007, brings her assorted Tupperware containers in a reusable crate that she also uses to carry home the multitude of containers each evening when she returns home.

Some of Tanner's empty lunch containers at her desk.
Also noted for bringing a variety of aromatic dishes to work, Tanner hopes others do the same and eliminate lunch-time waste by using reusable Tupperware containers. "I like to bring everything I might need for a balanced lunch in its own separate container." says Tanner, who spends 2 hours each night preparing her lunch to bring to work the next day. "I even have containers for salt, salad dressing, croutons, and even a small one for pickles and olives." Tanner explains.

On occasion the tower of Tupperware at Tanner's cubicle desk topples over, spewing containers into the work area, sometimes injuring other employees. Once Tanner forgot her Tupperware containers over a weekend due to being on NeoCitran and mould formed inside the 30 or so containers left behind over the 72 hour period. "I washed them out and they were fine." remarks Tanner who also puts gum in separate Tupperware container. "It stays fresher that way."

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Soft Rock Cafe To Replace Hard Rock Cafe in Byward Market

A new "Soft Rock Cafe" is replacing the old Hard Rock Cafe in the market this October. 

Ottawa - After 17 years as a ByWard Market icon, the Hard Rock Cafe will close its doors and be replaced by an all new "Soft Rock Cafe" which will open October 1. 

Stevie Nicks' cape from a 2004 concert
will be featured in the decor.
Curly Fries mimicking Kenny G's hair is a menu item.
Management of the Ottawa location confirmed that they will be replaced with a new theme restaurant that will focus on soft rock and a more soothing dining environment. The Hard Rock Cafe which first opened in the Byward market in 1998, will be remembered for it's rock and roll theme, with many curious objects related to that musical genre adorning its walls. Guitars, microphones, concert apparel and other whimsical and historical musical memorabilia were all part of the Hard Rock dining experience.

Kenny G's clarinet
will be featured.
With the opening of the new Soft Rock Cafe, the same theme will be carried on, but focusing on the the more relaxed, soothing musical genre of Soft Rock. The new restaurant's general manager Doug Leighton calls the adjustment a "New and fresh approach to relaxed dining." Having been a former DJ with Ottawa's various soft music stations, Leighton hopes to capture the soft rock experience that is so popular within Ottawa culture. "With most of Ottawa tuning in to stations's like Majic100 and other soft rock radio, we thought a Soft Rock Cafe was a logical replacement restaurant." says Leighton, who has spent the summer collecting various soft rock memorabilia to decorate the new restaurant. Musical items that will decorate the Soft Rock Cafe's walls include Kenny G's comforting clarinet and Stevie Nicks' cape she wore during a Fleetwood Mac comeback concert in 2004.

Slated to open October 1, Leighton hopes a whole new customer base will support the Soft Rock cafe and enjoy its dim lighting, soothing sounds and comfortable seating. Special menu items to match the restaurant theme include "Courvoisier Glazed Meatloaf" and "Kenny G's Spiral Fries" that mimic the soft rock icon's trademark hair.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Government Employee Wears Bike Helmet, ID Badge Everywhere

Emily Rottman never removes her bike helmet.
Ottawa - An area woman is still wearing her bike helmet even though she has been off her bike for hours and is going about her daily routine. Emily Rottman, 46, a Level 3 analyst for some Government Office was spotted parking her bike downtown after a commute in from the Glebe. Heading to her office cubicle, Rottman did not remove her helmet, and continued to never remove her helmet all day. 

Going about her daily work routine of attending meetings, Rottman never once thought it was odd that she continued to wear a bike helmet around even though she was no where near a bike. The helmeted government employee continued to eat lunch, and make some copies, all the while still wearing her bike helmet adorned with lights and a projecting rear view mirror.
Rottman out on a date with the bike helmet.

Even attending a wedding, the helmet stays on.
When asked about the helmet, Rottman replied "I just can't be bothered, since I will be on my bike again soon anyway." The helmet continued to be worn after commuting home from work, and even when on a dinner date at a local vegan restaurant. Rottman continued to also wear her laminated government ID badge the entire time outside the office. "The ID badge and helmet are all part of a lifestyle I like to live, and they both seem to compliment each other." Said Rottman, who also wore her laminated government ID badge and bike helmet to her niece's wedding this past weekend. "It was a wonderful outdoor wedding that I biked to and I really enjoyed being a part of all the wedding photos." stated Rottman, who also admitted she wears her helmet and ID badge to bed. "It's a comfort thing, and I find they both allow me to show the world who I am as a person." 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

C.H.U.Ds Weigh In On LRT Tunneling Plans

A CHUD listens to Mayor Jim Watson discuss the new LRT tunnel plans

Ottawa - The City Of Ottawa heard the Cannibalistic Human Underground Dwellers (CHUDs) concerns Thursday as they look to tunnel under the city for the proposed Light Rail Transit line.

More than 28 CHUDs packed into Ottawa’s city council chambers for a light rail open house that night. It came a few days after the city announced its plans to tunnel underneath the city beginning in the west near Westboro, and then under the downtown core that could disrupt the secretive, but balanced lives of the many CHUDs that live underground in a complex system of tunnels built to prey on unsuspecting residents.

CHUD Craxus studies the tunnel route that runs into their underground lairs.
Many CHUDs along the proposed route said they’re concerned about noise, vibration, access to the sewers and even how it may affect their nocturnal feeding habits on human flesh. Some of the CHUDs who live under the city said they could think of a compromise — tunneling deeper so the LRT route bypasses their world of secret tunnels that they use to exist and feed their voracious appetite for blood.

“We need to find a better way to tunnel under the city that doesn't ruin the carnivorous lifestyle we've grown accustomed to.” said CHUD Lorzar.

“Maybe they can dig the tunnels a little deeper so our night time feeding hatches aren't affected." 

CHUD Craxus also lives in the tunnels and said he’d prefer to take the tunnels away from their habitation areas and maybe put them above ground away from the CHUD network.

“We live a very confined and quiet life underground feeding on human flesh, and these train tunnels are going to disrupt not only our lives, but the lives of our CHUDlings who growing up learning to feed.” he said.

Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said the city has been co-existing with the CHUDs for many years, and it does seem unfair to disrupt their maniacal underground lairs but sees the plan as one that can be negotiated to provide benefits to both parties. 

"The CHUDs have been living underground for almost a hundred years, so we want to work with them to ensure they can continue to prey on us from their historic underground lairs, but we also want to make sure the city can build an efficient LRT route that will benefit us all." said Watson

CHUDs will convene June 6 to discuss a contingency plan if their underground world is compromised by the planned LRT route.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Area Restaurant Offers Convenient Two Hour Wait For Weekend Breakfast

Hungry customers line up for a convenient 2hour wait.
Ottawa - Hoping to cash in on the popular weekend "brunch" crowd, a local restaurant is offering a favourable 2 hour wait time for hungry customers. With throngs of hungover twenty-year-olds eager to sample creatively prepared breakfast dishes in a quirky atmosphere of bad acoustics, exposed brick walls, and ventilation pipes, Pinched Loaf Bakery in Hintonburg is answering the call with faster wait times and less line-ups.

Typical wait times for artisan style restaurant brunch spots are in the 3-4 hour wait range, but Pinched Loaf Bakery is getting their handcrafted egg concoctions to people faster by using a cafeteria style method of serving similar to Ikea. Special advance seating can also be arranged online, and Pinched Loaf also has a Stand and Eat section for those that don't mind not being able to sit down.

Restaurant owner Mike Hardlow hopes his 2 hour wait will free up some time for customers who would rather be doing other things on a Saturday or Sunday morning, like waiting in line at a Bridgehead, Ikea, or at the Apple Store. "We offer a very convenient wait time, and with our free Wi-Fi, customers in line can surf the web, Skype with other friends in the line-up or even take advantage of our free while-you-wait beard trimming service." explained Hardlow.

Brunch patron Kyle Nelden, 24, enjoying some pan seared whisked discs
after waiting only 2 hours for a table.
Pinched Loaf Bakery specializes in artisan style foods with whimsical alternative names for menu items such as "Pan Seared Whisked Discs" (pancakes) and "Agitated De-shelled Bird Capsules With Pork Shingles" (scrambled eggs and bacon). Hardlow gained notoriety with Ottawa bread buffs by serving his artisan style bread that he makes fresh each day at 2am from a recipe given to him by a renowned bread artist while he worked in a bread gallery inside a cave near Bordeaux, France.

Customers seem to enjoy the reduced wait time at Pinched Loaf and expressed excitement at the fact they'd receive their artisan breakfast sooner. "Our weekend is not complete without spending at least two hours in some kind of line-up, so this place works out well for us." said Fuscia Meeks, 23, who likes to spend her weekends brunching with her friends that are visiting from out of town. "Pretty much every weekend I have someone crashing at my place so I really enjoy coming here and standing in line with them and talking about how crazy our night before was." Meeks explained. "A 2 hour wait AND a $24 plate of bacon and eggs is all part of our perfect weekend experience."