Record Voter Turnout Attributed To Fun New Pumpkin Ballot Boxes

Ontario- A record number of Ontario voters turned out in droves Thursday to cast their ballots in what has become the most well attended voter turnout in Ontario Election history. Elections Ontario is attributing the record turnout to their use of new whimsical, seasonal themed ballot boxes that utilized hand carved pumpkin jack-o-lanterns, making the voting process a fun and rewarding experience. Angela Polmeda, President of Elections Ontario is praising the new pumpkin ballot boxes, and is pleased with the positive response and the results this election. “We thought it would be a fun way for voters to cast their ballots, instead of the traditional and somewhat boring white cardboard box.” Polmeda explained. “Counting the ballots was a little more difficult with pumpkin juice staining a lot of the votes, but we made up for that with voter turn-out, which was our goal.” she explained.

Polling stations across Ontario had pumpkin boxes provided to them by local schools and youth groups, who hand carved each ballot pumpkin so each voter had a unique and individual voting experience. “I really smiled dropping my ballot into the pumpkin carved out to look like a pirate, it made voting fun.” remarked an unidentified voter from North Bay. “It’s usually so boring, but I liked it this time, it felt really seasonal with the whole pumpkin thing.” he replied.

The ballot pumpkins will be destroyed and burned, or smashed onto roadways after they are emptied and accounted for as per Elections Onatrio regulations.

New Extended Timed Crosswalk Signals Raise Concern

Ottawa - After a successful Seniors Summit hosted by Mayor Jim Watson at City Hall yesterday, City Council unanimously voted to increase the walk times indicated by city traffic signals at intersections frequented by the elderly population. The change was made after a number of elderly residents complained they didn't have enough time to walk across the the intersection before traffic dangerously started to move again. The new traffic signal countdowns now have an increased timer, hopefully allowing the senior pedestrians more time to make their way across busy intersections.

Seniors attending Mayor Watson's Seniors Summit voiced their concerns over the timed crosswalks after explaining how their decreased mobility, slower stride and use of walkers made it impossible for them to safely traverse city intersections in the 7-9 second time frame current crosswalk signals allowed. "I am 88 and I just don't move like I used to." remarked Nelly Garwood, who raised the issue at the open forum yesterday. "I get extremely stressed out trying to shuffle across the street with my walker when I look up and see I only have 7 seconds to make it all the way across Carling Avenue." Garwood explained. Garwood joined approximately 9 other seniors who voiced similar concerns to the Mayor and his councillors during the Senior Summit, requesting the city extend the countdown period on the traffic signals in areas frequented by senior citizens. "I need at least 60 seconds to make it across Richmond Road before those nutjobs in their fancy SUVs start running me down." an emotional Herb Fenwick commented during the open forum.

In a swift and immediate response, Mayor Jim Watson ordered all traffic signals to extend their countdown times, resulting in some intersections having a 5 minute countdown for pedestrians. This has irked some motorists who are now waiting up to 10 minutes at already congested intersections. "I feel for the elderly, but now I am waiting about 10 minutes to turn left on Holland." replied a concerned motorist after experiencing the new timed crosswalk signals. Mayor Watson hailed the initiative and hopes Ottawa motorists will be patient and respect the slowly moving senior citizen pedestrians. "I think these new extended time crosswalks are great, and I look forward to using them myself when I walk the streets." Mayor Watson remarked. Other initiatives that will soon apply as a result of the Senior Summit Mayor Watson hosted will include enlarged parking spaces in city parking lots and streets to accommodate the huge vehicles and poor eyesight of elderly drivers, an elimination of all curbs on streets surrounding Carlingwood Mall and the creation of "FogieFest" a city endorsed festival for the aged next summer.

Local Campaign Sign Distracting Drivers

Ottawa - The provincial Liberal candidate for Ottawa Centre is drawing criticism for his use of a potentially dangerous and distracting campaign sign on the 417 Queensway. The 50 foot “wavy arms” flailing red and white inflatable, goofy character hoping to attract the attention of passing motorists has drawn a number of complaints from commuters using the highway, claiming it is a distraction from their driving. Liberal candidate Yasir Naqvi who is using the unique campaign sign, has said the wildly writhing, thrashing inflatable polyester sign has only received positive feedback and thinks those voicing concern are from the office of Tory candidate Rob Dekker. “The sign is obviously hilarious with its flailing arms and torso, but also eye catching, hopefully garnering me enough votes from Ottawa Centre allowing me to continue providing excellent service to its residents.” responded incumbent Yasir Naqvi when asked about his distinctive campaign sign.

Motorists on the 417 who pass by the large, wildly undulating character near the Parkdale exit have been somewhat positive to the sign, but some have had said the flailing arms slap across their windshields during high winds, which may cause an accident. “I think it’s awesome, and I’ll vote for this Naqvi guy.” remarked one motorist, Bill Hanley, who passed by the inflatable sign as he exited the Queensway. “I saw it whip an arm into a Smart car, but the driver recovered okay, so I don’t see it as a problem.” Hanley remarked.

The campaign office of Rob Dekker, PC candidate for Ottawa Centre has said they are not responsible for filing the complaints against the flailing sign and are actually looking into a similarly eye-catching sign that will be towed by a low flying CF-18 fighter jet over the city during commuting hours.

Use Of Wingdings Font May Hinder Candidate's Chances

Ottawa Centre - Local independent candidate John Black is frustrated to discover his campaign signs have been mistakenly printed using the Wingdings font which may hinder his election chances. The somewhat hard-to-read campaign signs were hastily printed and Mr. Black regretfully admits he forgot to proof read the final design before it was sent to the printers. "I just got so busy with looming deadlines that I guess I forgot to double check my sign's font." Black admitted when the gaff was pointed out to him by a local resident. "They were originally going to be a nice Futura font, but I must have accidentally pressed something on the keyboard and Wingdings came out." responded a frazzled Black.

Wingdings is a TrueType dingbat font included in all versions of Microsoft Windows from version 3.1 onwards and was originally developed in 1990 by Microsoft by combining glyphs from Lucida Icons, Arrows, and Stars. Independent candidate John Black is disappointed to learn of his typo on the election campaign signs, but is confident voters will see past his Wingdings characters and really appreciate his serious stance on provincial infrastructure development, health care, taxes and education initiatives. "Please look past the Wingdings and realize I am committed to serious change in this province." Black exclaimed. No plans have been made to fix the Wingding signs as Black's promotional budget has already been used for the current signs.

More And More Cats Driving Seniors Around

Ottawa - Plans to test more elderly drivers to determine if they are capable and safe to be on Ontario roads has put hundreds of cats in the driver’s seat. Stricter testing of senior drivers has left a lot of the elderly without a licence, but still maintaining a vehicle. “A lot of these elderly drivers depend on a car to get around in life, and now a lot of cats are taking the wheel for them, which I think is even more dangerous.” Minister of Transportation Belinda Chesterland exclaimed after she was questioned about the rise in cat drivers at a press conference Tuesday. “I know some older drivers may need a refresher course on how to drive, but I do believe they are a safer alternative to the possible cat drivers.”

Increased testing and revoking driver’s licences of those that fail a safe driving test is raising concern among the elderly population in the province, some who have been driving for more than 80 years. “If they take away my licence, they can’t take away my car, and that means Trixie will be driving me around town.” remarked Herb Portolli, an 89 year old driver who is upset at the strict plan to test older drivers. “I mean I might not stop at all the lights, but I do when I see them, so I don’t think its fair.” Portolli explained. “Trixie is a smart cat, and if I can’t drive, she will, and she is already pretty damn good at parallel parking.”

Mandatory testing of drivers over the age of 75 comes after a comprehensive study showed more than 34% of automobile accidents involve drivers over the age of 70. "We need to curb this disturbing trend, and mandatory driver testing is one way we can keep Ontario’s roads safe.” Chesterland replied.

A 95 year old woman whose licence was suspended after being involved in 27 accidents in 3 months and was recently arrested in Brampton, On after she placed her pet cat behind the wheel and forced the cat to drive her to a doctor’s appointment. The senior citizen says she did not want to sell her car and trusted her cat, Patsy, could handle the traffic. “She’s good on her feet and I help her with the signals, so I don’t know what the problem is.”

New Sens Jersey Has Retro "Cosby" Theme

Ottawa -Recent leaked photos of the new Ottawa Senators jersey shows a vibrant "Cosby Show" look to the design, implementing a retro 1990's sweater theme that heralds back to a time when the Ottawa Senators first took to the ice in 1991. A popular TV show during that period, the newly formed Ottawa Senators joined the NHL at the same time in 1991. The new jerseys display a multi-coloured look with a throw back to early 1990's fashion. A stylized “O” in the middle of the new sweater is a tribute to the original Senators franchise, which was one of the founding clubs in the National Hockey League when it was formed in 1917. The new sweater bears a striking resemblance to the sweaters made famous by Bill Cosby who wore similarly styled sweaters on his hit TV show which was broadcast from 1984 to 1992, the latter part being a period when the Senators first took to the ice.

“While we are very disappointed to have our new jersey revealed in this manner, we are pleased to see the early comments from fans are extremely positive,” exclaimed Jeff Kyle, the Senators vice-president of marketing. "We feel the retro 1990's Cosby sweater theme will tie in nicely with our 20th anniversary celebrations this season." Kyle announced.

“We believe that this jersey will be a top seller in the National Hockey League this season, especially as fans learn the story behind how it was designed.”

Kyle is keeping many other details secret until the official jersey launch Oct. 1, however he did elaborate on the unique design of the Cosby themed jerseys. "We wanted fans to feel a connection to that time period in 1991 when the Sens first took to the ice here in Ottawa, and what better way to do that than utilize the sweaters made famous by "The Cosby Show", the hit TV show of that era." Kyle explained.

“We look forward to promoting the new Cosby jersey and think fans, both young and old, will appreciate the design that incorporates elements of the early Senators team into what we feel will become a truly iconic symbol of Senators hockey,” Kyle remarked.

New Sports Bar Offers 2,348 Flat Screens Covering Every Inch Of Wallspace

Ottawa - Joining the ranks of the 12,348 other sports bars in Ottawa, "Pinch Hits" opened its doors Wednesday to enthusiastic crowds of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder patrons who have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. The new sports bar boasts over 2,000 flat screen television monitors plastering every available space on the walls of the establishment. Bar owner Clint Devries says his new sports bar will fill the gap where other sports bars fall short, and that is not enough flat screen televisions simultaneously blasting every imaginable sport on the planet to needy patrons. "There is a serious lack of screens in sports bars today." Devries exclaimed. "Pinch Hits is here to fill that void, and provide customers with a 360 degree sensory overload of sports."

"Pinch Hits" is a new venture for DeVries who previously worked for the Dilawri Automotive Group as their commercial advertising campaign manager. "I know how to hit all the senses and make people pay attention with over-bearing, loud and catchy messages, so it was an easy transition to a sports bar where those assets are essential." Devries remarked.

Customers are already applauding the over 2,000 screen establishment, citing it provides them with a chance to keep an eye on all sports, no matter where they look. "Now I just tilt my head and I'm informed of what's going on in every imaginable sport." bar patron Danny Slyvick, a diagnosed ADHD patient replied. "No more wondering what's happening on the other channel."

After the grand opening Wednesday, "Pinch Hits" suffered only two casualties due to the multiple screens. A 38 year old customer was sent to hospital after an epileptic fit due to the sensory overload, and a man lost his mind and jumped out a window after trying to process the stimulus assault within the bar.

"Pinch Hits" is located in a non-descript strip mall beside the new Rio-Can Centre on Merivale Road. They offer a selection of wings, ribs, burgers, nachos and other discriminating sports foods. Reservations are not required, but a waiver must be signed upon entry.