Massive Convent Now Planned For Lansdowne

Lansdowne Park - In a surprise buy-out from the City of Ottawa, the Sisters of Visitation cloistered nuns have purchased the entire Lansdowne Park area and plan to demolish everything and build a $500 billion dollar convent to replace the one they sold in Westboro last year.

Recent media coverage of the controversial Les Soeurs de la Visitation three-storey stone convent on Richmond Road has brought attention to the fact the nuns need a new home. The site was bought by developer Ashcroft Homes last year and plans for a nine-storey condo with street-level retail, a seniors' residence and designated community space have been announced for the debated Westboro site.

The nuns secretly amassed billions of dollars while at the covent and using funds from the Ashcroft purchase, have made a bold take over bid for Lansdowne Park, an offer the City of Ottawa could not refuse. "We are ecstatic about this recent new development with regards to Lansdowne," explained current Mayor larry O'Brien who signed the deal behind closed doors last night. "They offered us billions, and we are pleased to hear plans for a peaceful convent will be built on the site." remarked O'Brien.

The nuns revealed a develpoment plan during the purchase meeting, showing concept drawings of their new 45 acre convent that will basically cover the entire Lansdowne area. "This will be a state-of-the-art convent featuring wi-fi, internal solar generation, an indoor replica of the Holy Land and a 3,000 square foot confessional and Holy Water swimming pool." commented nun spokesperson Sister Guimond who spearheaded the purchase of Lansdowne. "We are excited to break ground this spring and have a place to call home again after losing our place in Westboro." replied Guimond.

Glebe residents are also excited at the prospect of the convent development since it will be an area of pure silence and lack of fun. "I couldn't be more pleased to hear a quiet place will be built here." Glebe resisbnet Belinda Lukanik-Smith beamed. "No more Super-Ex with its bright lights and washed up 80's bands!" Lukanik-Smith responded before heading back to her herbal garden to culivate organic figs for her book club meeting.

Trendy Parents Devastated Friends Have Cooler Stroller

Wellington West - Proud new parents Matheo Roberts and Sarah Fisher-Roberts were dismayed to learn that close friends have recently purchased a cooler, more elite name brand stroller than their Babe-Trek device they currently operate. Transporting their new child Mosaic-Kaila Roberts down the trendy sidewalks of Wellington West took a saddening turn when the Smirle Avenue parents ran into friends using a better Kid-Rover stroller that features a latte warmer and iPhone holder with GPS.

“We really thought we had the best stroller in the neighbourhood.” commented Sarah, who is on maternity leave from her job as Senior Manager of Regional Managers at Service Canada. “With Jenny and Mike having the better stroller, it really makes us feel uncomfortable.” exclaimed Sarah.

Mike and Jenny, friends who have recently also had a child, Utopia, live on Kenora Street and purchased their Kid-Rover at a baby boutique on Wellington last week. They are thrilled with its advanced features. “The All-Wheel-Drive and traction control really help us navigate the sidewalks along Wellington when we go for our Saturday lattes” commented Jenny, who met Sarah while participating in an Organic Yoga Retreat.

Known for its highly competitive stroller scene, the Wellington West area has become a recent haven for trendy new parents and sales of high-end strollers has escalated to meet the increased demand. Kate Lineman who operates Nipple Biter Baby Boutique said sales for the Kid-Rover are surprisingly strong and there is a three month waiting list for new orders. “That stroller is hard to keep in stock ever since the once popular Goo-Goo-Ga stroller was recalled due to faulty airbags” Lineman explained. “We hope to have more in stock next week but they are the more expensive deluxe models that have Tiptronic Shifting and Bose sound systems”.

Sarah and Mathis later consoled each other with extra grande mocha lattes and are contemplating un-inviting Mike and Jenny from next week’s play date.

Watson, O'Brien Clash At Fundraiser Event, Doucet Clinches Youth Vote.

Ottawa -

The race for Mayor has not just become more competitive, but also more violent with both leading candidates clashing at a fundraiser dinner Tuesday night. Polls are showing both Watson and O'Brien are in a close race for the seat and at a candidate fundraiser,

Watson donned a costume before taking to the stage to address a crowd of guests who paid $100 a plate to hear Mr. Watson speak about local issues and his "tough on crime" campaign platform. Speaking to the eager crowd of guests that he will rid the city of "tyranny, evil and white collar crime," Watson performed various feats of strength, such as lifting an elderly man out his wheelchair, jumping onto a table and also running at a rate of speed that was above his normal shuffle.

As guests applauded Watson and his almost super-heroic feats, the dinner was soon interrupted when the salon hall doors were kicked open by rival candidate Larry O'Brien who stormed the stage and warned everyone to stay in their seats while he removed a sizeable piece of Kryptonite from a briefcase, rendering Watson unconscious. Before collapsing under the powers of the green crystal being held by O'Brien, Watson managed to hurl a buffet warming pan of glazed carrots at O'Brien. Watson then fell to the floor and was rushed to hospital while O'Brien made a hasty exit through a nearby fire escape door to a waiting helicopter.

Witnesses remarked that O'Brien yelled to the crowd that "I will wear the Golden Chain Of Mayor once again!" before exiting and also fired a Kryptonite Ray Gun in Watson's general direction. No one else was injured during the altercation but Watson remains in stable condition at the Ottawa Civic Hospital. Although weakened, Watson has already made

appearances at 34 different events while in a hospital gurney and remains confident of a victory over O'Brien "I am not going to let Mr. O'Brien stop me from doing my job." Watson exclaimed, obviously still ill from the Kryptonite exposure. "Ottawa needs me and I need them." quipped Watson as he headed to the Grandmothers Against Gout (GAG) fundraiser event being held in Ottawa's Vanier district last night.

Meanwhile, Clive Doucet, also running for Mayor, has established himself as the clear winner amongst youth voters in the region, displaying a unique brand of bonding with the city's under-25 voter demographic. Displaying a talented break dancing routine at a local Hip-Hop festival put Doucet as the frontrunner among the youth voters who were impressed by his attempt at break dancing.

When reached for comment about the clash, Doucet remarked "Let me axe you dis, who gots a clean ride wit dem 22 inch spinners? Me! Dem udder boyz is wack!" Doucet was then reportedly seen on Ritchie Street in the West End beat boxing with some residents while handing out his campaign literature.

Economy Forces CHEO To Downgrade Lottery Prize To Trailer Home

Ottawa - Once known for their extravagant "Dream Of A Lifetime" lottery prize of a Minto Dream Home, the CHEO Lottery has recently announced it will downgrade its grand prize from a million dollar Minto home to a more reasonably priced trailer home in the Carleton Place area. The sagging economy and more frugal consumer spending habits has forced CHEO to re-evaluate its prize package and make the decision to replace its high end prizes with more affordable options.

Last year's grand prize home was a 4,000 square foot mansion in a Minto development south of the city, and included a $110,000 sports car, diamond necklace from Jubilee Fine Jewellers and an all-expense paid European vacation. This year's more economically feasible grand prize includes the 854 square foot "Park Regent' model trailer home, a charcoal briquette barbeque and a $100 gift certificate at Denny's Restaurant. CHEO Lottery Spokesperson Linda Nolan commented the prize may be less substantial, but the cause is the same. "Sure you won't be winning over a million dollars worth of prizes this year, but you'll be saving millions of children's lives at CHEO." Nolan explained. A slow economy and a lack of consumer spending on lottery tickets has forced CHEO to make the difficult decision to lower the prize value this year, but hopes next year they will be able to offer a million dollar dream home again. "It may not be a dream home, but the trailer home prize this year offers exceptional value as well as laminate floors, a two piece bathroom and comes furnished compliments of Value Village." Nolan beamed.

Located in a new trailer park outside of Carleton Place, CHEO invites interested ticket buyers to tour the home between October 1st and November 1st. The grand prize draw will then occur on November 12th. "We are seeing a lot of charities having to make cutbacks in their fundraising efforts, and we are one of them." Nolan said. The reduced prize has also reduced the cost of lottery tickets from $100 each last year to $12 this year, or three for $30.

Secondary prizes this year include a jacket from Giant Tiger, an inflatable 6 person pool from Canadian Tire and also a half hour massage from the Massage Therapy course at Algonquin College.

For more information about this year's CHEO lottery you can visit the website or view the prize on location in Carleton Place on County Road 12 just past the OLCO gas station.

Chickadee In Critical Condition After Telling Noisy Crow To Shut The F@#* Up

McKellar Park - A pleasant morning was marred Tuesday when a small chickadee was assaulted, pecked and left for dead by a large crow in the McKellar Park area of Ottawa. Known to area residents for its loud and obnoxious early morning cawing from a telephone wire on Dovercourt Avenue, the large crow apparently attacked the chickadee when it approached the crow and tweeted politely for him to keep it down as neighbouring birds were still trying to sleep. The crow ignored the chickadee's plea for quiet, and continued to caw incessantly for no reason.

After several further attempts by the chickadee to silence the crow, the crow became annoyed and violently attacked the chickadee who was defenceless against the much larger black bird. Fighting furiously for his life, the chickadee tweeted to fellow birds in the area, who came to his aid but only after the crow had inflicted serious pecking to the small bird. A variety of warblers, sparrows and even a rarely seen cardinal fought off the noisy crow who then flew off to a nearby squirrel carcass on the side of the road.

The injured chickadee was rushed to a nearby bird bath where he remains in stable, but critical condition with massive beak lacerations and serious de-feathering. A blue jay has been hired by the chickadee community to hunt down the crow and aggressively force it to find a new wire to sit and caw on.

Loblaws Profits Drop In Q3

Ottawa - Known to many for their innovative and delicious line of “President’s Choice” food products, Loblaws Foods Inc. reported a mysterious drop in sales in the third quarter after launching their latest line of new food products in August. CEO and Loblaws spokesperson, Galen Weston was puzzled by the recent lag in sales, but is confident his new products will soon catch on. “We travel the world to collect unique and delicious food ideas that we know consumers will enjoy, but may not be familiar with.” Weston explained.

The familiar enlarged photographs of food that emblazon their transport trucks to advertise their products may have something to do with the dramatic decrease in sales, but Weston believes the giant, close-up photos of their products is necessary to familiarize motorists with the new products.

“Memories of Head Cheese” and “The Ultimate Tripe Tart” are two new products that add to the popularity of Loblaws own grocery line. “Memories of Head Cheese” combines the delicacy of meat by-products such as tongue, intestines, liver and spleen with a gelatinous coating that contains the meat in a sliceable loaf.

Weston is now reluctant to introduce any further food products until current ones find their niche market for the company. “We were prepared to launch our ‘Turkey Giblet Loaf’ ad campaign but had difficulty photographing the neck and kidneys properly for enlargements on the side of our trucks.” Weston commented.

Barrhaven Refugee Boat Seized In Mooney's Bay

Hogs Back Park - Hundreds of fleeing refugees from the Barrhaven suburban district of Ottawa were found crowded into a freighter boarded by RCMP and Immigration officers Thursday afternoon. In search of a better life in the northern sector of the city, the ship carrying dozens of pale, well groomed, but commuter stressed Barrhavenites was seized and its occupants detained in a nearby quarantine area.

The overloaded boat carrying the refugees made its way up the treacherous Rideau River from Barrhaven before it was stopped by the HCMS Colonel By Naval Frigate on a routine patrol near Mooney's Bay Beach. The captain of the Colonel By signalled the boat to halt all engines but when the boat did not do so, warning shots were fired over its bow and then an elite commando force boarded the boat, seizing it and the occupants, who were found hungry and shivering in the cold cargo bays of the vessel.

"We noticed this ship coming up the channel from the south and thought it was suspicious, since most boats along the canal are full of bare chested retirees, but this boat had a large amount of nervous looking, pale suburbanites who seemed to be on a mission to flee." reported Officer Kendall, who was one of the first officers on the scene.

Seeking asylum and refugee status, many of the boat people pleaded with their captors to be freed from their miserable commuter lifestyle living in vinyl clad boxes, driving minivans, and existing in a treeless environment that leaves many of the Barrhavenites without hope or happiness. Anxious for a better life in the downtown core of the city, the refugees are optimistic they will be given the proper refugee status and begin a new life up river. Tents were set up to accommodate the Barrhavenites once they docked near Hogs Back Park, which lies just off the mainland metropolis.

A vacant emergency ward has been set aside in Riverside General Hospital for "triage, screening and diagnostics," hospital spokeswoman Shannon Marshall told the O-dot.

Healthy migrants will be released back to federal authorities, said Marshall, "while those who require further care will be admitted to an area of the hospital that will be kept separate from the general population."

Immigration officials fear that this recent seizure of a refugee boat is only the first of many making there way from the impoverished Barrhaven district and that "we should be preparing for a massive influx of suburbanites back into the city's core." Immigration spokesperson Helen Morven explained.

Mayor Larry O'Brien could not be reached for comment due to a previous engagement at the Geologiclal Society where he was amassing more kryptonite for his battle with Superman next month.