Sandy McTire Backs New Budget After Tories Announce Canadian Tire Money Now Official Currency

Ottawa- Well known retail personality, Sandy McTire from the Canadian Tire Corporation fully endorsed the new federal budget announced today, holding a press conference urging Canadians to do the same. Known for his fiscal prudence and year round savings on quality merchandise, McTire made it clear that he supports the Conservatives new federal budget. His announcement came on the heels of Finance Minister Jim Flaherty formally endorsing the use of Canadian Tire money as a form of Canadian currency nationwide, bringing McTire a whole new level of fiscal stature. Distributed previously at all retail store locations in denominations of 5, 10, 25, 50 cent bills as well as a one dollar bill, the CTC bills are now officially accepted as common currency nationwide effective June 10, 2011. McTire also feels many Canadians are "tired" of the political games between parties, hoping an election does not take place as predicted. McTire expressed his disinterest in holding yet another election, which will disrupt the lives of all citizens of Canada, and bring an already tedious view of federal politics to a dangerously volatile level. "The wee lads and lasses out there are not liking this constant election fodder." McTire explained. "Aye, we just want to get on with enjoying our lives and going to places like Canadian Tire on a Saturday mornin' and pinching some savings out of a new patio set or the like." McTire remarked in front of a packed media frenzy.

Famous nation wide for his jovial and thrifty attitude towards Canadian retail purchases, McTire was pleased to see the new budget addressed reducing the deficit within five years and savings for middle class citizens who frequent his retail stores. He hopes other Canadians will also see the benefits of Flaherty's budget announced earlier today. Usually keeping out of the political limelight, McTire felt it necessary to step up and make his Scottish lilted voice heard in the House Of Commons today as the opposition parties shot down the new budget and catapulted the country towards a spring election campaign that could begin within days.

"Me thinks those other lads, Mr. Moustachio, EyeBrow Iggy and that Bug Eyed French Fry are just causing a ruckus over this budget to rattle some sabres, and me thinks most Canadians are just wanting this damn winter to be over with so we can down a few pints on a patio or wash our cars without them getting dirty again after ten minutes." McTire exclaimed before heading back to CTC Headquarters where he resumed work on his goal of making Canadian Tire money a globally traded commodity.

New Toddler Friendly Bar Opens In Wellington West

WEST WELLINGTON - A new bar has recently opened and will be catering to the trendy, hip parents of the neighbourhood by welcoming toddlers and babies to join their doting parents as they get intoxicated with other, trendy, hip patrons. Called “Soothers”, the new bar on Wellington Street opened Friday night to an exuberant crowd of stylish parents cramming giant strollers and their crying babies under one roof. The bar is unique in that it welcomes babies and toddlers to join adults in drinking and staying up late beyond their bedtimes, allowing young parents to share an understanding of of how hard it is to leave their child at home with a relative or worse yet, a baby-sitter.

Once deemed unacceptable to bring a toddler into a drinking establishment, it is now becoming common practice for many younger parents to bring their babies into bars or nightclubs so they don’t miss out on what their other non-parent friends are doing. “I really don’t want to leave little Kyla alone with a babysitter when I can just bring her along with me. This way I can constantly be with her while I get wasted with my other friends who don’t have babies, and everything is cool.” explained Soothers patron Naomi Heatherington, 32, who never leaves her toddler’s side. “They have 12 different pablums on tap and a breast feeding booth so it’s really convenient.” Heatherington remarked.

Soothers owner and manager, Katie Deluth, is excited about the prospect of being able to accommodate parents and their babies in a bar setting. “It’s just what the area needed...a place for those parents who are just not ready to give up their previous bar/nightclub lifestyle.” Deluth explains. “Before parents would cart their toddler into bars and have to endure the lack of apple juice, Goldfish and Arrowroot cookies on the menu, but at Soothers we have it all, but also a great martini menu for the parents to enjoy.” commented an excited Deluth, who also brings her 3 year old son to the bar and keeps patrons entertained with his “cute” antics, like throwing tantrums and smashing cake into his face.

Soothers is located at 1123 Wellington Street West and has stroller parking for 24 machines and a baby changing table located on the bar. Hours are from afternoon nap time to 2am, Wednesday to Sunday. www.soothersbar.com

Ottawa Scrambling To Open Another 34 Pubs In Time For St. Patrick's Day

Ottawa - The city of Ottawa is in a state of disarray as it scrambles to open 34 more fake Irish pubs in time for St. Patrick's Day. With only 1,234,676 pubs to choose from in Ottawa, citizens are growing concerned they may not have a place to pretend they are Irish for one day. "Where will I go dressed in green doing my best Irish accent?" commented Bruce Jones, a financial advisor who is worried there won't be enough pubs for everyone to celebrate in. "This is the one time a year Ottawa needs to open more pubs than ever, and with only 5 pubs every 1 kilometre, there just won't be enough room for all of us." Jones replied.

A recent study has concluded that there is an average of approximately 24 pubs per square kilometre within the city limits, but that figure drops dramatically to 2 pubs per square kilometre in suburban areas like Barrhaven or Kanata, where pubs are relegated to big box malls or strip malls.

Mayor Jim Watson has called an emergency council meeting to organize a secondary plan of action if the 34 new pubs slated for opening on St. Patrick's Day fail to open on time. "The city requires at least 34 more pubs to open if this St. Patrick's Day is going to be a success." Watson exclaimed as he put into action a team of people to scour local junkyards and antique shops to purchase zany, eclectic and pub-like paraphernalia to adorn the walls of the many new pubs. Watson further proclaimed that he will be dressing up as the Lucky Charms leprechaun on March 17th in honour of St. Patrick's Day. "I have Hobbs dressing up as a Purple Horseshoe, so all we need now are these new pubs to open so I can make an appearance at all of them." Watson remarked.

Cereal Personalties Jailed After Drunken Brawl Downtown

Ottawa - The annual Cereal Mascot Conference held this week in Ottawa turned violent after an altercation between characters which resulted in six arrests and three persons being sent to hospital. Held annually to bring the multitude of usually happy, upbeat cereal personalties together to discuss the future of breakfast cereals, things took a turn for the worst when the conference happened to fall on St. Patrick's Day, resulting in an over indulgence of alcohol at the Westin Hotel where the conference took place.

Police report a very belligerent character, "Lucky The Leprechaun" from Lucky Charms cereal started to bad mouth Snap, Krackle and Pop, from Rice Krispies after they were overheard commenting on the provocative appearance of the SunMaid Raisin Girl. Words were exchanged and cereal personalties began to choose sides, resulting in a heated rivalry. With Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam and the Honey Smacks Frog joining Lucky Charms, an opposing force of characters joined Snap, Krackle and Pop. HoneyNut Bee, the dopey but strong Sugar Crisp Bear and the older but still wise Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chefs aided Snap, Krackle and Pop in an all out brawl that resulted in six arrests and sent three to hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

Police are continuing their investigation but have charged Lucky the Leprechaun with public drunkenness and vomiting soggy Frosted Lucky Charms onto a police cruiser. It was later reported the SunMaid Raisin Girl who started the whole altercation was seen leaving the hotel with Count Chocula.

Birthmark Ruining Spring Break For Queen's Student

Fort Lauderdale - A first year Queen's University student is facing a tough time in Fort Lauderdale this Spring Break due to an unfortunate birthmark on his upper torso. Dwayne Keeler, 19, a first year Arts student at Queen's University, is grappling with the fact his chances of meeting a female companion may be reduced to zero due to his Star Trek themed skin formation below his right shoulder.

The birthmark resembles the Starship Enterprise from the hit science fiction television and film series "Star Trek", which is popular with science fiction and comic book fans around the world. With Keller's sole intention of Spring Break being "to meet chicks" and "getting totally hammered", he may have to adjust his game plan or alternatively wear a shirt while on the beach. "It's not fair I was born with this stupid Enterprise birthmark, all the girls think I'm some Star Trek nerd when I hit the beach or work out." Keller explained. "Just last night me and my buddies were doing beer bongs down at the volleyball court and this chick yelled 'hey nerd, set phasers on loser!' and laughed at me." lamented Keller who is currently seeking a dermatologist about getting his Enterprise shaped mark removed. "I don't even know what Star Trek is, I haven't seen one episode, but I do know its killing any chances I have getting laid down here." Keller remarked from his hotel room near the pool before going shirtless with 10 other shirtless college students to a Bacardi Rum Beach Slam.

Joining hundreds of other college students in Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break celebrations, Keller hopes to have his birthmark removed by the summer when he will be employed as a College Pro painter, and be forced to work shirtless, exposing his birthmark to the judging public once again. "The sooner this thing gets removed, the better my chances are of picking up chicks down at the Hope Volleyball Tournament this summer." said Keller before putting his baseball cap on backwards and heading poolside to do some shooters.

Shoppers Drug Mart Faces Tough Competition From Shoppers Drug Mart Across The Street

Bank St. - A popular Bank Street Shoppers Drug Mart is facing an uncertain future as they compete with a recently opened Shoppers Drug Mart across the street. Sitting roughly 50 feet away from the current Shoppers Drug Mart, the new, larger Shoppers Drug Mart has managed to steal business away from the original Shoppers Drug Mart with brighter lights, a bold cosmetic department and refrigerated grocery items. The original store also carries the same, but the newer store has a fresher scent and more attentive staff.

General Manager of the older store, Dudakar Mundaki, says the new store has taken away approximately 75% of his business, and could possibly force his store to upgrade to the brighter lights and cleaner scent. "I know it's the Shoppers Drug Mart Corporation mandate to have a store located every half kilometre in Ottawa, but I had no idea I would be losing this much customer traffic." Mundaki remarked. His store opened in 2010 after the original Teasel's Apothecary was demolished at the current location, and the new store across the street was opened in February 2011, on the site of another neighbourhood family pharmacy business that had been there for over 100 years.

The new Shoppers Drug Mart, managed by Halal Yemala, has already seen a steady stream of new customers add to their profits, with most purchasing cosmetics for no apparent reason when they walk into the store. "I had some girl in a lab coat forcibly apply lipstick to me, and now I'm walking away with $150 worth of make-up when all I went in for was a carton of milk." explained excited customer Ruth Jenner, who usually shops at the older store across the street. "I just like this Shopper's better because I usually walk on this side of the street." Jenner answered when asked why she chose the newer store.

Plans are already underway for a third Shoppers Drug Mart to open underground in 2012, between the two existing Shoppers, with access through a manhole in the middle of the street.

Florida Seniors Stoked For Another Spring Break

Fort Lauderdale - Retired Florida senior citizens are completely stoked about the influx of thousands of party-ready college students next week and can't wait to get "totally s---faced" alongside their younger companions. Hundreds of wintering Canadian seniors are bracing themselves for the party event of the year as their sleepy, well-manicured condos prepare for the over 20,000 gregarious under-25 year olds who descend upon their senior-lifestyle next week. "I really look forward to the young lads with no shirts urinating on the beach." remarked Sunset Pines resident Glynnis Haverton who has spent the last five years of her retirement enjoying the revelry of Spring Break beside her beachfront condo. "We usually beer bong with them, but last year it gave me terrible gas pain, so this year we'll use the dietary supplement beverage Ensure instead." an excited Haverton replied.

With many of the college crowd invading quiet Florida beaches to get intoxicated beyond belief, some residents are hoping they will be able to share in the fun, and forget about the hardships of being retired in Florida. Bringing excessive drinking to the retirement scene, many seniors look forward to the scantily clad youths "getting their drunk on" and passing out on their balconies or in their garages. "I really can't wait to see if Chad comes back this year from Penn State." reflected Ernie Humes who bonded with a young party-goer last year. "Chad and I really got wasted and met some nice ladies from Queen's who really knew how to dance to the Snoop Dogg." Humes commented.

Some residents are concerned that Spring Break festivities may spill into the early hours of the day, but with many seniors already getting up at 4am anyway, the problem is not too much of a concern. "We'll keep our eye on the Spring Breakers and make sure no one gets hurt or causes problems." explained County Sheriff Gus Harding. "Last year we had an impaired senior on a Rascal scooter so we'll be cracking down on the seniors as well as the students." Harding replied.