Gary From Accounting Enjoying New Status As “Party Animal” After Getting Wasted At Office Christmas Party

Kanata- Once known as the mild mannered accountant from Section D, Gary Humphrey, or “The Hump” as he is now referred to, is enjoying his new inter-office status as a “wild guy” after last week’s office party that got out of control.

Formerly thought of as the weird, quiet guy who kept to himself, Gary elevated his social status within InexaCom Technologies after displaying some bold dance moves, hilarious impersonations of upper management staff and photocopying his private parts at an “off the hook” office Christmas party that InexaCom hosted last week. Humphrey’s relatively dry sense of humour took on a whole new meaning after a few drinks at the nearby Kelsey’s Restaurant where Inexacom held their annual holiday party.

“Gary was always so quiet, but after a few Mucho Margaritas he really let his hair down and became the life of the party.” exclaimed fellow employee Diane Fleming who works with Gary in Section D. “Normally he heads home at exactly 5:35pm each day and watches his PVR’d “Stargate” episodes, but last week something got into him and he is now the celebrity of the office.” Fleming explained.

Humphrey, 42, is single and lives in a semi-detached home in Barrhaven and has been a model employee at InexaCom for over 8 years, heading up the Accounting Division in Section D for the last 3 years.

“Gary really got loaded and brought the party up a notch from what is usually a lame time, to something we are all talking about at the water cooler.” commented Kyle Vaughn, who always assumed Humphrey was a weirdo, Asian porn fanatic. “Yeah, that dude really cut loose and changed my perception of him.” Vaughn noted. “Gary is now the cool guy around the office...I mean, dancing to the Macarena on the VP’s desk was brilliant.”

The morning after the party, Humphrey exchanged numerous high-fives among co-workers, and is now the topic of conversation between many female colleagues who dismissed him as being a nerd. “Gary is definitely on my dating hit-list now.” responded Laurie Jenkins, who along with many others, always thought of Humphrey as a nerdy, undesirable “quiet guy” within the office.

When questioned about his newly acquired status within InexaCom, Humphrey shrugged it off that it was just a night out, and hopes no one thinks any less of him as a professional accountant. “I had a few drinks, let my guard down and ended up spending the night passed out behind the copier, but I think it was all worth it if I can now chat with the guys beside me at the urinal.” replied Humphrey.

Crotchety Old Lady Remembered As Crotchety Old Lady

Wellington Street West- The mean spirited and cantankerous old woman who lived on Faraday Avenue in the Wellington West neighbourhood succumbed to her injuries last night after being eaten alive by her 87 cats found in her dilapidated residence. Known to many nearby residents as the "old hag" she will not be remembered or missed. Helga Mossbean, 87, was usually seen yelling at the local children to get off her lawn or at neighbours whose grass clippings would happen to blow onto her driveway. The retired federal employee would sit on her porch with her cats and yell at kids returning home from school not to “lolly-gag” in front of her residence.

When Mossbean’s sister came to check in on the residence Wednesday morning, it was discovered she had been eaten by her cats who seemingly turned on their owner. Mossbean was then taken to the Civic Hospital where she succumbed to the multiple lacerations inflicted by her vengeful cats and then family members were notified. Acquaintances and neighbours remember Mossbean as a “crotchety old lady” who “never really had a nice thing thing to say to anyone." Her 87 cats were taken to the Ottawa Humane Society pending adoption.

WikiLeaks Reveal Ottawa Is Part Of Massive CIA Experiment Testing "Boredom Threshold”.

Washington- The recent WikiLeaks of once classified information has uncovered a massive CIA plot to test citizens of their “Boredom threshold” to see how long an average human being can withstand being bored, and in some cases, being “bored to death”.

Classified as “Operation Snore”, the US government funded experiment is the largest of its kind, testing thousands of Ottawa’s citizens on how much boredom they can withstand before fleeing, moving or in some cases dying. “The citizens of Ottawa were exposed to early store and restaurant closures, limited after hours entertainment and extremely cold, depressing grey days resulting in subjects staying in their suburban environments, wearing pajama pants and going to bed by 10pm.” the leaked CIA documents reveal.

With its ever expanding suburbs and well known lack of excitement, the WikiLeak confirms for many, what has been suspected for a long time. “This CIA operation just confirms what many residents of Ottawa already believed.” Deputy Minister of Cultural Affairs Beth Grady explained. “What was once thought as apathy and lack of vitality within the city can now be explained by this massive CIA experiment in social behaviour.” Grady remarked. “ the experiment involved an elaborate network of early store closures, boring cultural events, and placing residents in far reaching settlements such as Barrhaven and Kanata, so people would opt to stay home and go to bed early rather than head back to the downtown core to be entertained.” says Grady.

The CIA denies the experiment but does admit to creating colder temperatures in a large scale weather control experiment in an attempt to confine citizens to their homes. “We want to make sure Canadians stay in their homes and don’t start being more creative then they already are.” another leaked CIA document reveals.

Neighbourhood Christmas Craft Shows Guarantee Many Will Receive Crappy Hand Made Gifts This Holiday Season

Ottawa - As the holiday season approaches, more and more craft shows and church bazaars are being held which offer countless hand made crafts to idea starved consumers. The abundance of holiday craft fairs in the region insure homemade jams, Macrame Kleenex box covers, tacky leather belts, wood carved pen holders and hundreds of other crappy hand made gifts will be under many Christmas trees this year.

“Why buy an expensive and common electronic or stereo item from a big box store when you can give a loved one a carefully crafted and hand painted ceramic clown lamp.” explained Fisher Park crafter Lori Fairbanks who makes handmade pottery items and hand knitted socks. “It’s truly a unique gift when you give something that’s handmade.” Fairbanks endorsed before heading back to work on a a beautiful ceramic Elvis head bedpan.

Many consumers are finding the craft shows a welcome change from the busy area shopping malls and look forward to giving the one of a kind gifts this Christmas. “I just picked up an el paca wool sock puppet.” Glen Likman commented as he perused the Hintonburg Craft Market. “It’s just so whimsical and unique, and I know my son wanted an XBOX, but this should make him smile even more.” Likman replied before purchasing a cheese cutting board made out of an old canoe paddle.

Craft fairs in your neighbourhood can usually be found in the dank basements of your local church or in the sweat smelling gymnasiums of your local community centre within the next few weeks.

Office Christmas Season Launched By Receptionists Across The Continent With Holiday Sweaters And Trinkets On Desk

Canada- The Christmas season was officially launched in offices across the country today when receptionists began wearing Holiday sweaters and piling Christmas trinkets on their desks. Many offices are usually unclear as to when the Christmas season and office decorating will commence, but the receptionist's bold move to wearing colourful sweaters and placing assorted Christmas paraphernalia on their desks heralds the season has begun.

"I really didn't have a clue when Christmas celebrating begins around the office, but Kim at the front desk started wearing her reindeer sweater so now I know I can start looking forward to Christmas." office employee Gary Narkin commented as he began work Monday morning at Telenex Industries in Kanata. Known for her elaborate Christmas decorating on her desk and around the office, Kim Stanston is happy to be launching Christmas at Telenex each year with her adornments. "I like to bring Christmas to the office in my own special way." Stanson remarked as she carefully placed a ceramic North Pole miniature village on her reception desk at Telenex. "It just cheers up the office and makes people look forward to our office Christmas party even more."

Following on the heels of the receptionist Christmas launch, many offices are also booking their office Christmas parties at local Kelsey's, Milestone's, and Lone Star locations. "Last year Telenex really pulled out all the stops and took us to the Lone Star and Kevin got so wasted he barfed in a sombrero!" exclaimed Jamie Rottwiner who is anxious to attend this year's holiday party at the nearby Moxie's Grill. "The reception desk has a bowl of candy canes on it now, so I know the party can't be too far off." said Rottwiner.

Trendy New Restaurant Serves Meals By Intravenous Bag

Byward Market- A new restaurant is offering patrons culinary delights through intravenous bags prepared by acclaimed Ottawa chef Steven Klasket, who opened his new restaurant, “BAG” in the Byward Market last weekend.

Critics and foodies alike are raving over the new gastropub style eatery that serves prepared meals in a medical I.V. bag, blending the ingredients into a malleable paste which is then sucked into the mouths of hungry customers through a flexible feeding tube. Head chef and owner, Stephen Klasket explains the trend is incredibly popular in war torn areas of the world, where chewing food is not an option, and thought the idea would lend itself well to his cuisine. “I like the idea of taking the tastes of a variety of ingredients and fusing them through blending into a paste-like consistency that allows one to enjoy all tastes at once.” Klasket explains. “Why waste time using a fork to select different items on your plate when you can enjoy them all in blended paste format.”

Duck, beef, chicken and slect market fish dishes are all prepared by Klasket who tries to use locally produce foods and acquires his intravenous bags from a medical company in Toronto. Many customers enjoy the paste I.V. serving format, while other find it somewhat disturbing. “It’s nice to not have to chew, but it kind of brings back some horrible memories of when I was in ICU after my accident.” exclaimed BAG customer Agnus Littleton, who was fed intravenously for six weeks after her automobile accident.

BAG is currently not taking any reservations until 2011 since they are booked solid until then. BAG also offers desserts in a suppository pill format, with Klasket personally applying the dessert after the main course meal is finished. BAG is located at 76 Murray Street in the Byward Market.

Condo Development Planned For Patch Of Grass In Westboro

Westboro- A three foot patch of grass in Westboro has recently been purchased by Ashcroft homes and plans are underway for a 12 story condominium building on the site with construction beginning April 2011. The desirable piece of curbside land between Tweedsmuir and Roosevelt Ave. was purchased by Ashcroft Developments in early October for $3.8 million and will offer residents a unique village lifestyle with the comforts of modern condo amenities.

“We really foresee this patch of grass being utilized to provide our residents with the best possible lifestyle in the desirable Westboro area.” Ashcroft Marketing Director Kelly Johnston explained. “With over 12 stories of condo comfort, we can offer a lifestyle like no other in the west end. Lattes. Outdoor adventure gear, and of course baby and toddler boutiques all await residents of this exciting new venture.” Johnston remarked.

The controversial patch of grass has been up for sale for about three months, and has been commonly known as a popular place for dogs to relieve themselves, windblown refuse to collect, and home to various ants who have built a complex underground community. A proposal was made to develop the grass patch into a yoga center, but was overturned in favour of the Ashcroft condo development. A state-of-the-art condo building with ground floor retail space offering yet even more coffee shops and organic green product stores to Westboro residents has been planned.

A challenge for Ashcroft architects will be to construct a 12 storey facility on a mere three square feet of space. “Challenging, yes, but we see today’s young professionals making the most of the limited space.” Head architect Schmitt Closson explained.

Residents should expect all traffic to be compounded into a massive traffic jam, and large dust storms of grit to occur for the period of June to September in the area of the grass patch and drivers are asked to adjust accordingly while construction is underway.