

Kemptville- In a bizarre deer hunting accident outside of Kemptville, 38 year old Tyler Grogan was accidently shot by another hunter, and then tied to the hood of a truck and driven into the town as a “trophy”. Kemptville OPP are investigating the accident and do not rule out alcohol as a factor in the mishap. Responsible for the shooting is fellow deer hunter 42 year old Kyle Masken who was later arrested in Kemptville at a Mac’s convenience store when employees noticed the tied down hunter on the hood of Maskens 2004 GMC truck as he was attempting to buy cigarettes. Masken was apparently intoxicated while hunting and thought Grogan was a deer, mistakenly shooting him and then tying him to the hood of his truck as a trophy for all to see on his return to Kemptville.
Masken has no re-collection of the three days he spent in the woods outside Kemptville where he was deer hunting with three other hunters, who also were found intoxicated inside the cab of Masken’s truck. OPP are continuing their investigation and encourage anyone who may have seen the incident to report it to their local OPP detachment.
Ottawa- Mayor Elect Jim Watson celebrated his big win Monday night by attending no less than 127 different victory parties across the city. Known for his incredibly busy schedule attending multiple events during his campaign, Watson continued his tradition of being everywhere at once and partied long into the night at various retirement homes, country fairs, church bazaars and frat houses across Ottawa.
Watson’s landslide victory into the Mayor’s chair was a stunning display of shotgun campaigning in the weeks leading up to election, with Watson never ceasing to attend any event in the greater Ottawa Valley. After a victory celebration with Ensure milkshakes at Palisades Retirement Home, Watson and his entourage quickly moved to the Hintonburg Bingo Hall where he was congratulated by hundreds of well wishers for about 12 minutes, and then vacated to attend another party over at the Glebe Community Craft Fair. “I just can’t stop the momentum of visiting everyone!” Watson gleefully exclaimed. “The job has just begun, there are over 98,985 places and events I have yet to visit.” the hard working and charismatic Mayor-elect remarked before Tweeting the location of his next stop.
Losing to Watson, current Mayor Larry O’Brien gave a gracious speech and wished Watson well with his new job as Mayor beginning December 1st. “Jim really made himself available through the use of clones and holograms, which were impervious to my Kryptonite rays.” O’Brien commented before exiting from his campaign headquarters into a waiting Luthor Industries helicopter that took off into the night. O’Brien mentioned in his speech that he looks forward to returning to his secret lair as Lex Luthor and battling Superman once again.
Watson already has plans to attend 86 pancake breakfasts tomorrow morning and hopes to someday meet every citizen in Ottawa. “I’m halfway there, with over 6.786,234 campaign stops over the last ten weeks, I am closer to my goal of meeting everyone in this fine city.” Watson exclaimed before heading to Kanata for a celebratory cake cutting at a Lions' Club. Congratulations Jim, the O-dot wishes you all the best!
Westboro- Westboro resident Hubert Nettle was elated to learn he got to work 3 minutes earlier than normal thanks to his new Spandex bike shorts, aerodynamic helmet, camel pack and bolt-to-the-pedal click shoes. Attributing his early arrival at Statistics Canada to the new bike equipment, Nettle is elated and proud to learn he can now get there 3 minutes earlier. “I really needed the Spandex and click-in shoes to get here as fast as possible.” Nettle stated. “Without this bike equipment I definitely would have been 1-2 minutes slower.” he remarked.
Often questioned by on-lookers if he was in training for the Tour De France or Ironman Triathlon, Nettle joins the ranks of many Westboro residents who commute to work by bicycle, utilizing aerodynamic and time saving equipment such as Spandex outerwear and click-in-the-pedal shoes. Many of these commuters can be heard clacking around local coffee shops in their bike shoes and be seen in colourful Spandex, making their commute time shorter. “Sure I could easily just wear normal clothes and get to work for nine, but with my bike gear I can get there by 8:55.” explained fellow rider Kevin Murdale who also wears the elaborate outfit to work.
With traffic increasingly congested on city streets, many residents are opting to bike to work, but they want to make sure they take seriously the 19 minute bike ride into the downtown core. “I want people to know I bike to work when I walk into Bridgehead and the Spandex and clacking sound the shoes make as I walk around really assists with that image I’m trying to convey.” Murdale explains.
Next week both Murdale and Nettle hope to shave off another 30 seconds and increase attention to their image by wearing a face shield to improve aerodynamics. Next year, both cyclists will be purchasing recumbent bicycles to further decrease their commute time. Cyclists interested in acquiring these and other time saving devices can visit their local bike shop or any of the 178 outdoor stores in the Westboro area.
Ottawa- Coin operated parking meters will be become a thing of the past as new IG-88 Droids will replace the less efficient meters next month. Touted as the “ultimate parking payment method” for city parking, the new droids will be phased into service beginning with Preston Street and moving east into the downtown core.
The City of Ottawa decided to implement the droids after recent studies concluded that there was a 87% increase in revenue collected with the droids over the traditional meter collection. Manufactured by Galactic Empire Industries, the parking droids are solar powered and allow users to pay with credit, debit or cash and then dispense a ticket that can be displayed on the vehicle. Failure to pay for parking initiates a penalty program in the droid that results in focused laser blasts directed at the infracting vehicle and operator.
“The IG-88s have proved themselves as a successful parking meter system throughout the world and we are excited to bring their efficient revenue collection techniques to the streets of Ottawa.” exclaimed Beth Helmstone, Bylaw Services Chief Officer. “These stationary units not only allow a more convenient method of payment but also stops people from rolling into a parking spot that still has time on the meter.” says Helmstone.
The IG-88 Droids cost over $500,000 each, but come equipped with GPS targeting, multiple credit card interface and a 360 rotational laser. Known for their work in tracking rogue smugglers, the droids have recently been utilized by Bylaw Services who find them efficient and cost saving. “The IG-88s may look intimidating, but they really make paying $6.00 an hour for parking a pleasurable experience.” commented Helmstone.