the-o-dot

Chinese Translation Error Ruins Valentine's Day For Millions

2012-02-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - A translation error at Pyuang Chocotreats has left millions trying to cope with a ruined Valentine's Day after chocolates made by the Chinese manufacturer wreaked havoc across the nation. With many consumers rushing at the last minute to buy something for their sweetheart on Valentine's Day, many did not notice the labelling error on the heart shaped box of chocolates. A translation error at the company resulted in the words "I Love You" being incorrectly translated and printed onto the box as "I Loathe You", leading many couples to suffer break-ups and consequential disaster.

Pyuang Chocotreats President Kwon Lin Sung addressed the error this morning after complaints from angry customers began to pour in over Valentine's Day. He expressed "sincere apologies" for the mix-up, and blames his translator at the company for the dramatic manufacturing error. The translator responsible was immediately fired by firing squad.

Millions of angry customers are demanding refunds and legal retribution after thousands of couples suffered unintended breaks-ups and even divorces in some cases. "I gave my wife a box of what I thought were nice chocolates, but being rushed at the last minute, I really didn't have time to check the writing on it...I guess you just trust it would be ok." remarked Hal Johnson, 43, whose wife reuses to speak to him after he gave her the ill-fated box of chocolates.

Over 2 million boxes of the wrongly translated Valentine's chocolates have been distributed and are currently under recall to prevent further disaster. Pyunag Chocotreats is offering a full refund to customers who recently purchased the "I Loathe You" box.

Trendy New Restaurant Delivers Receipt In Whimsical Used Crackpipes, Syringes

2012-02-11T18:41:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - A new gastrobistro in the heart of the gentrified Hintonburg neighbourhood is giving customers their receipt in a whimsical manner using old crackpipes and used syringes. With most trendy restaurants trying to out-do one another with quirky ways of handing a customer their receipt, "CRAKHAUS" in Hintonburg has gone one step further with the use of discarded syringes and crackpipes found in a trash can behind the restaurant during renovations.

Crakhaus owner Hume Plantry has overseen each detail of his new restaurant and wanted to offer his customers an offbeat dining experience that would challenge the conventional methods of giving out receipts to clients. "The whole CD case, old book thing has been done already, so I wanted to take the receipt transfer a whole new dimension by giving it to the customer in a genuine used crackpipe or syringe that really honours the history of the restaurant building." explained Plantry who opened his restaurant last month.

Common with many new, hip, trendy restaurants, receipts are usually handed to a customer in an eccentric holder of some sort, but with competition increasingly becoming tougher, Plantry hopes to have an edge over his competitors by offering the syringe/crackpipe option. "We washed them first, but you really can get the feel for the old neighbourhood when we bring you your bill." Plantry remarked. Most customers were impressed with the whimsical receipt delivery and applauded Crakhaus' use of the old backyard items. "It's really neat," mentioned Crakhaus customer Tanya Hommel, 26, "it's exactly how I want my $200 bill for two entrees and a bottle of wine to arrive."

Some customers have complained about the receipt delivery items, especially when Plantry first decided to try giving customers a receipt in a used condom from the adjacent alley. "I thought it was especially whimsical to give clients their meal receipt in a used condom to really make them feel part of the neighbourhood, but the health Unit reminded me it was unsanitary." plus I had a lot of customer complaints." Plantry remarked.

Crakhaus hopes to continue being a leader in receipt quirkery, but just down the street at the new restaurant "Klasp", rumour has it they will be giving customers their receipt in the mouth of a live asp. "Hintonburg is on the cutting edge of culinary trends and they can change quickly." stated Plantry before washing out another syringe.

New Tween Stroller Allows Over-Protective Parents To Maintain Coddling Their Child

2012-02-10T06:52:00.001-08:00

Ottawa - A new store in Wellington West Village opened recently that offers over-protective parents a chance to continue coddling their child well into the teenage years. The new store "SunShinesOutta" will carry a line of parenting accessories such as tween strollers, tween carriers and an assortment of safety equipment for their child such as play time knee pads and Play-Doh safety goggles.

The new store located in West Wellington Village hopes to attract a growing market of parents with "tweens" who are looking to maintain the same level of childcare they gave when their child was much younger. "Parents in this area have a hard time letting go of the fact their kids are growing up, so we hope to offer something that makes the transition easier, or non-existent." explained SunShinesOutta owner Gail Kilborn. "We provide a selection of items that allow the coddling parent to continue the level of over-protection for their children well into their teenage years." Kilborn remarked.

The best seller in the newly opened store has been the "Tween Stroller" made by Tweeny that allows a parent to still push around their 11-13 year old child in a restrained stroller. The Tweeny comes equipped with latte and Nalgene water bottle holders, a Tilley Hat rack, Sunscreen bottle holder, and an iPad docking station. Other items available include a tween chest carrier that maintains the physical bond between child/parent well into the child's teenage years. Both items are constructed from lightweight but reinforced aluminum to carry the heavier weight of the older child. "We have already sold out of the Tweeny stroller, but hope to get another shipment in next week." says Kilborn. SunShinesOutta is located at 1295 Wellington St. West in the heart of West Wellington Village.

Ailing Grandmother Delighted To Receive Text-To-Voice Message From Grandchild

2012-02-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

Almonte - A 92 year old grandmother from Almonte, ON was excited to receive a garbled, robotic, computer simulated voice message originating from her 11 year old grandchild who lives in Stittsville. Jane Denlop, 92, received the automatic message on her rotary home phone from her grandson, Tyler Curtis, who sent a text message from his iPhone while playing Xbox at a friend's house. Unable to receive text messaging because she doesn't own a cell phone, her home phone translated the text message in a special automatic text-to-voice recording that Denlop heard when she answered the call early Tuesday morning. "I just picked up the phone when it rang and a woman computer voice told me to to have a happy birthday and some other things that I couldn't quite understand, but maybe that was because my hearing aid was turned down." said Denlop, who is recovering from a mild stroke she suffered last month. "I was just delighted Tyler thought of me and sent such a lovely message since I haven't seen him in four months." Denlop also explained how she tried to respond to the computer voice, but because it was a recording, her response went unanswered.

Controversial Portrait Of Former Mayor O'Brien Unveiled

2012-01-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

Ottawa- Current Mayor Jim Watson unveiled two new official mayoral portraits of former mayors Bob Chiarelli and Larry O'Brien this evening, with O'Brien's portrait raising a few eyebrows as it was revealed. Recently in hot water over derogatory comments towards Spanish-Americans on his Twitter account, the new portrait does nothing to reduce his politically incorrect persona. Featuring O'Brien in a coonskin cap resembling the Alamo hero Davy Crockett who battled invading Mexicans during the Battle of the Alamo, the official portrait further elevates his somewhat controversial stance on Mexicans. A Twitter post referencing Spanish-Americans as "spics" led to O'Brien having to explain himself through recent interviews and his self published blog.

A crowd of onlookers and media fell into hushed tones as the official portrait was unveiled, with only O'Brien loudly applauding the painting that will hang in City Hall along with portraits of all other past Mayors. When questioned about his racially charged comments on Twitter, his blog and now the portrait, O'Brien only commented "Hey, at least now it looks like I have hair!" in reference to the fur hat that sits atop his bald head in the painting. Current Mayor Jim Watson and the artist commissioned to paint the portraits were quickly whisked away before any comments or questions were raised.

Kelsey's Introduces New Deep Fried Something

2012-01-29T22:01:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Hot on the tail of their successful deep fried pickle campaign, Kelsey's introduced a delicious new deep-fried platter of some unknown food item. Having exhausted all options of mozza sticks, pickles, onions, shrimp, mushrooms and a host of other food items deep fried in a greasy batter, Kelsey's quickly introduced a new appetizer that is an indiscernible mash of mysterious deep fried something. "We don't exactly know what it is since Sysco Foods just sends us a vacuum sealed bag of the stuff that we just toss in the deep fryer, but we know it will be a hit when it goes on sale next week." said local Kelsey's manager Dwayne Hopkins. "Super Sundays will offer a deal where it's 50% off with proof of a an immediate death in the family or a doctor's note of terminal illness." Hopkins beamed.

The indistinguishable food base is deep fried in a grease laden batter that is then served with a lemon wedge and will be labelled as a "Colossawesome Munchie Platter" on the menu. It will be offered to customers at an unbeatable price of $11.99 with the purchase of an entree. "You can count on Kelsey's to serve you the best and latest in deep fried something. We guarantee it." Hopkins remarked. Also being introduced in conjunction with the Colossawesome Munchie Platter is a new fishbowl sized drink of slush nature with some bright colouring and unknown alcohol that will be dubbed "Ladies Night Knockout" and only available on Thursdays after 5pm.

Ugg, Crocs Team Up To Produce New Mega-Detestable "Crugg" Super Shoe

2012-01-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Makers of the extremely comfortable but hideous footwear "Crocs" have teamed up with Ugg, makers of the equally comfortable and loathsome boot. Dubbing this new hybrid shoe-boot as a "Crugg", the new fusion footwear combines the cushiony comfort of Crocs with the warmth and durability of Ugg boots. Using a polymer foam main sole fused with a sheepskin upper portion, the new Cruggs are predicted to prove as popular as both previous shoes combined.

Manufactured in the remote shoe region of Xangtzen, China, the new Cruggs will be produced in a variety of annoying and garish colours that allows customers to select a Crugg that most suits their lackadaisical, laceless lifestyle. Anticipation is high for the new Cruggs, with orders in the thousands having already been made by retail stores in North America and Europe where there is great demand for dowdy, lazy footwear.

Previously only ever worn in warmer weather, the new Cruggs will allow the Crocs company to expand their market share, as will Ugg, who typically only sold their footwear during winter months. The new combo shoe-boot or "shoot" as it is referred to by fashion stylists, will now cover all ends of the footwear spectrum. Crocs President Linda Harbrook is excited to launch the new shoot and predicts a huge success for Cruggs. "We really wanted to reach out to the lazy, unmotivated population who can't be bothered with doing up laces and would rather shove their foot into a tasteless, brightly coloured but warm shoe-boot they can wear to the office or cottage." Harbrook explained. "Cruggs are perfect for anyone who wears pyjama pants in public and needs to accessorize their unique fashion sense."

CBC Radio Switches To All Classic Rock Format

2012-01-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Despite recent changes to the programming and on-air personalities, CBC Radio announced plans earlier today to switch to an all Classic Rock broadcast format. Hoping to capitalize on the aging demographic of Ottawa radio listeners, CBC is making the switch to the new Classic Rock format in an attempt to boost audience numbers and popularity. The new format, labelled as “91.5 C-Roc” will broadcast Classic Rock hits from the era of 1960 to 2000, including artists such as Joe Cocker, Trooper, Honeymoon Suite, Led Zeppelin and Bryan Adams.

CBC Radio President Hugh Legitt announced the dramatic format switch to its staff yesterday who were shocked, but ready to take on their new roles broadcasting classic rock to the listeners in the Capital region. CBC Radio ensures the transition will be a smooth one, with a gradual increase in Classic Rock being played during current programming, until the entire broadcast is comprised entirely of Classic Rock in February. “Our faithful listeners might not be used to hearing ‘Hot For Teacher’ by Van Halen right away, but they should feel comfortable with the new format as we introduce the widely popular Classic Rock hits.” explained Legitt. “A lot of people enjoyed listening to insightful and informative interviews about culture and the arts, but realistically, research has shown Classic Rock is what people really want.” Legitt remarked.

Currently Ottawa only has one other Classic Rock station, Chez106, which has dominated the airwaves since 1977 with its toe-tapping blend of contemporary rock hits. Legitt hopes the new C-Roc 91.5FM will provide listeners with an alternative to Chez106 and fulfill Ottawa’s need to hear Classic Rock at home, in the office, or traveling in the car.

Ashcroft Accidentally Demolishes Own Offices For Condo Development

2012-01-17T20:25:00.001-08:00

Ottawa - In an unfortunate internal office memo gaffe, Ashcroft Homes has mistakenly demolished its regional headquarters building and began construction on a 9 storey condominium before realizing their mistake. Demolition crews began tearing down the Ashcroft offices Sunday morning with employees arriving for work Monday and realizing of their grave error. The accidental demolition and subsequent pouring of concrete footings for a new condo on the former office site has caused major setbacks for the developer, known for its developments in the Westboro area. Executive Vice President Harvey Chandler described the tragic loss of their offices as "an internal mis-communication" and hopes the accident will not delay any current condo development projects already underway. "We obviously made some kind of internal error, but I think the new condo on our former office site will provide a unique boutique living lifestyle for those seeking condos in an industrial park area." Chandler exclaimed.

Using a backhoe and bulldozer, demolition crews removed the existing office building in about 4 hours, with most debris being carted away to an off-site dumping ground. Foundation footings were then put into place with concrete forms already having concrete poured in them as of Monday morning. Many employees were shocked to see their office completely gone Monday morning, but they will resume business as usual using the former Westboro convent building which Ashcroft currently owns. The accidental condo construction will resume later in the week and should be ready for occupancy in Spring 2013.

OC Transpo Launches First Class "OC1" Premium Bus Service

2012-01-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - After a year of complaints against both its service and public transit conditions, OC Transpo announced today it will be launching an all-new, First Class, preferred service transit option for those wishing to commute or travel throughout the city in high-class style. The announcement of this new, high-end, premium transit option came after months of complaints from transit riders who found the current OC Transpo route service sub-standard. The new First Class service, or "OC1" as it is officially called, will now allow riders to travel in a special bus designed for luxurious comfort with unparalleled customer service.

OC Transpo President Gilles DuMont hails the new transit option as a breakthrough in city transit service, and hopes people will enjoy the increased commitment to comfort and superior customer satisfaction within the new buses. "The new OC1 option will give riders a chance to actually get to their destination on time and without the inconveniences of regular route service, such as staring through a window covered in head grease or side stepping over a pool of vomit." DuMont explained. The OC1 bus service will utilize a fleet of 10 new ultra-luxurious coach class buses imported from Switzerland and feature bone china and silverware meal service, beverage options and hot towel service from a tuxedo clad OC Transpo service attendant.

Reaction to the new OC1 bus service has been positive with over 100 exclusive monthly passes already being sold at $400 each. "I can't wait to hop on these new first class buses and get to work on time while enjoying a mimosa and a shoe shine." responded OC Transpo rider Sheila Burke who commutes daily from Kanata to her downtown office. "Now the smell of soup will actually be from a silver soup dish instead of just being from the smell of the guy in front of me." Burke remarked.

OC1 transit begins Tuesday January 17, with service on all major bus routes except the #94. For more information on this new first class service, contact OC Transpo at 613-842-3600

Wakefield Fashion Show Draws Crowd Of Eight

2012-01-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

Wakefield, QC - A subdued and introspective crowd of eight people gathered Saturday night in the town of Wakefield to view the latest in Wakefield fashions and sample some freshly baked granola-flaxseed muffins. Introducing her new line of eco-friendly fashions, Wakefield resident and fashion designer Nula Santros addressed the quiet and liberal crowd with a speech exemplifying the importance of buying eco-conscious, hand made clothing, and shunning traditional normal fashion sense in favour of a more hippie/gypsy looks that the area has become known for. “Don’t be fooled into wearing something just because a well-groomed, clean scented, hairless-armpit woman is wearing it.” Santros explained.

The new line of clothes designed by Santros utilize fairly traded materials such as used burlap grain sacks, recycled tarpaulins and curtains from an abandoned motel outside of Chelsea, QC. The materials are then hand crafted into frumpy, shapeless, androgynous outfits that can be worn with accessories from the Wakefield area such as hand-knit Alpaca wool Rastafarian hats, boiled wool footwear and jewelry made out of chakra stones. Shunning any fashion sense or latest trends in normal society, the new line of clothes by Santros will maintain Wakefield’s reputation as an ultra left-wing, communal area.

The event originally had 10 people in attendance but two people had to leave to attend a protest down the street against a proposed home renovation where the house in question was going to be renovated to actually look nice. The remaining eight people then watched as various models from the area sporting Santros’ fashions walked up and down a runway to the soothing sounds of Native American throat singers and Ravi Shankar. After the fashion show, the audience was treated to some organic muffins that weighed 5 pounds each and encourage regularity for up to 4 weeks. Santros hailed the event as a success and was surprised at the number in attendance. “I didn’t think we’d have as many people as we did here tonight considering this town’s lack of interest in fashion, so I’m pleased.” Santros beamed.

Archaeologists Unearth 9,000 Year Old Baby Stroller In West Wellington Village

2012-01-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

Wellington West - A dramatic discovery was made earlier this week when archaeologists uncovered an almost perfectly preserved 9,000 year old baby stroller in a condo development construction site near Harmer Ave. The discovery of the primitive Neolithic stroller is in keeping with the area's rich, baby-centric reputation, and furthers the concept that not much has changed in the area over the last 9,000 years.

Making the archeological find was Professor Glenn Holgenfrod from the University of Ottawa's palaeontology department. Holgenfrod hails the discovery as "remarkable" and is excited to learn more about the stroller which is apparently made out of wood and clay. "The stroller was obviously a part of a Neanderthal family living in the Wellington West area over 9,000 years ago." remarked Holgenfrod. "It's three wheel design for pushing a baby Neanderthal around the area illustrates how things don't change much in this neighbourhood throughout history." Holgenfrod explained. Researchers and fellow archaeologists also discovered a variety of other Neanderthal family items at the dig site including a coffee cup made of clay, a hemp mat, and tea leaves. "This site has tremendous historical value in that it shows how families have not evolved that differently over the course of thousands of years." said Holgenfrod. "We will continue our investigation and see what other items we can uncover that may link our past to the present."

The discovery of the stroller happened in an on-going condo-development near Harmer Ave. where a small home had previously stood, but has since been torn down. Construction on a 345 unit 24 story condo building has been planned once the Heritage Conservation dig concludes its research later this year.

Westboro Mom Helps Kids Build Racially Diverse, Gender Neutral "Snowperson"

2011-12-28T07:49:00.001-08:00

Westboro- In keeping with her parenting philosophy that children should not be forced into gender specific activities, a Westboro mother of two helped her daughters build a racially diverse and gender neutral snowperson after last night's snow fall. Traditionally referred to as a "snowman", Golden Avenue resident Laura Hayden-Hornberg decided her children should use a more progressive approach to the winter activity and encouraged her children to make the figure in the likeness of someone who is neither female or male and represents all races instead of the usually "white" persona. "My kids need to learn that a snowman can be anyone, not just a white man." Hayden-Hornberg explained. "Too often our children are subjected to a narrow-minded male dominated approach to winter activities, so I wanted to expand their conceptual learning with a diverse and culturally nurturing snowperson."

Hayden-Hornberg's daughters, Kaela, 6, and Rannah, 4 both constructed the snowperson using filtered organic snow from last night's abundant snowfall. "I have a special snow filtering system that filters out any harmful impurities in the snow, making it safe for my children to play in and build their snowperson." remarked Hayden-Hornberg. The daughters then dyed the snow a different colour other than white using special organic dyes and outfitted the snowperson in gender neutral, hemp sourced accessories. When asked what to call their creation, both daughters looked apprehensively at their nearby mother, who suggested they call it "Abiria", a Swahili name used for either a male or female. The daughters then commented how later this week they will use their specially filtered snow to construct a French-Immersion version of the famous "Bon Homme" character but call it "Bon Neige"

Canadian Tire Guy Seen Offering To Scrape Windshields For Spare Change

2011-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Once a popular television personality, the now destitute and desperate Canadian Tire Guy was spotted yesterday offering to scrape ice from car windshields at the intersection of Bronson and Somerset. Asking passing motorists if they would like their iced-over windshields efficiently scraped clear with the MotoMaster IcePic for a dollar, the Canadian Tire Guy was seen to be in a distressed and desperate state. One unidentified motorist who gave the Canadian tire Guy a dollar for his services said he seemed "desperate for money" and that he mentioned "needing cash for Christmas".

Using the patented "ice razor design" on his Motomaster Ice Pic that he once helped promote during his ad campaign with Canadian Tire between 2002-2008, The Canadian Tire guy was happy to assist drivers with their iced over windshields during last night's freezing rain storm in exchange for donations. His efforts to make money were short-lived however when Ottawa Police arrived on the scene and he fled into a nearby park. Known for his informative and overly-helpful television commercials, the Canadian tire Guy was dismissed in 2006 and has rarely been seen since. He follows "Scrooge Approved" Guy who was also dismissed from Canadian Tire television commercials in the late 1990's and has also never been heard from again.

Fun New Retro Restaurant All-Smoking

2011-12-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Another hip, new restaurant has opened in the Hintonburg neighbourhood of Ottawa that is a throwback to dining days past. The new restaurant,"Glaze" will offer bland, processed foods along with the opportunity to light up a cigarette during your meal. Bypassing provincial non-smoking regulations due to its historical status, "Glaze" will allow smoking and even offer free packs of smokes with every appetizer ordered. Decorated to resemble a vintage 1967 restaurant and cocktail lounge, "Glaze" owner Gill Handrake believes his new restaurant will appeal to a wide clientele, both young and old. "The young, hipster crowd will enjoy the retro element to the place, and the older crowd will enjoy the dining experience of years past with our full smoking facility." explained Handrake who opened "Glaze" in early December. With a menu consisting of bland, colourless, vegetable-less, high caloric foods, "Glaze" will also offer incredibly strong cocktails served by staff who will call you "pal" or "hun". Smoking is encouraged during your meal with trained bus-boys available to empty ashtrays and light cigarettes for waiting customers.

Justin Trudeau Cast To Play Both Samuel De Champlain And Guy Fawkes In Upcoming CBC Mini-Series

2011-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Liberal MP Justin Trudeau was recently selected to play two characters from history in an upcoming CBC mini-series based on events at the turn of the 17th century. Playing both Guy Fawkes and Samuel de Champlain in the television mini-series, Trudeau has recently been spotted in the media sporting his 17th century appearance for the roles. After a foul-mouthed outburst in Parliament, Trudeau hopes to further his Guy Fawkes persona by taking on the role of the 17th century conspirator to topple the English government in 1605. Trudeau will also play the famous explorer and cartographer Samuel de Champlain.

Wearing the appropriate facial hair and hair style of the time period, Trudeau was cast by the CBC to fill the roles after he was approached by CBC producer Lynn Graves, who thought Trudeau fit the role perfectly. "Not just in apperances, but in volatility as well, a factor in successfully portraying both Fawkes and Champlain." Graves remarked. Filming begins in January 2012 on location in Quebec City.

Ottawa Christmas Toys As Found In The Sears Wish Book

2011-12-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Occupy Ottawa Junior Protestor Tent - re-create the excitement of camping out for weeks in the cold with these colourful Junior Occupy tents. Bongos sold separately.

Gabby Glebe Adopted Foreign Baby Stroller - Have your child join in on the fun of raising an adopted baby from China or the Slavic states with this fun stroller built for two. Includes two racially diverse dolls.

Arnprior Go-Kart- Start your budding hick off right with this Prior favourite. Includes authentic Valley Accent voice commands. Gun rack not included.

Britannia Beach Home E-Coli Kit-close your own beach with this mini-aqaurium full of playful E-Coli bacteria!

Farrhaven Family Fun Pack- enjoy re-creating suburban life with this exciting WASP family& Golden Retriever! Beige minivan not included.

Westboro Playsafe Patty- Westboro kids will love this realistically overly safetied non-action figure.

That Weird Manotick Horse Chick- Stunningly gorgeous, however this blonde bombshell is weird in that she is more interested in horses than anything else. Comes with own chastity belt.

Confederation Park Remote Control Rat - Have hours of fun racing this handsome rat around your very own Occupy Protestor Tents!

Carling Ave. Endoscopy Playset- perform exciting medical procedures w/this hilariously sterile playset.

Westboro Condo Crane- enjoy building 28 storey boutique inspired condos with this splendidly fun condo crane.

Rideau St. Tot Tattoo Parlour - Have your child re-create barbed wire and butterfly tattoos on the whole family!

Vanier Robber Rascal ATM- Start your budding criminal with stolen PINs w/ this realistic ATM

Rockcliffe Kadillac For Kids - Get your child acquainted with the prestige of owning an Escalade in this scaled down Caddy!

Wellington West Sled Capsule- Muffle the screams of your French Immersion Montesorri bound tot in this handsome plastic bubble.

Taylor Swift Dating Ottawa's Farm Boy

2011-12-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

Nashville - Following in the footsteps of fellow country singer Carrie Underwood who dated former Ottawa resident Mike Fisher, country-pop star Taylor Swift has announced a relationship with Ottawa's own animatronic Farm Boy. Recently spotted performing alongside Swift at the American Music Awards, Farm Boy has also been caught on camera with Swift at various restaurants and nightclubs in Los Angeles and New York City.

A shy, somewhat stiff personality, the Ottawa native hails from the busy Farm Boy store on Merivale Road where he entertained thousands of visitors with his laid back country songs of the store's food value, selection and guaranteed freshness. After a chance meeting at the Country Music Awards in Nashville, TN., the two took to the stage to perform some of her hits from the latest album "Speak Now" at the American Music Awards in November. Farm Boy and Swift began a romantic relationship soon afterwards when they mingled at a party celebrating her 10 awards.

When asked about her new relationship with Farm Boy, Swift becomes elusive and only says she is "happy" and "glad to be with someone who is predictable", in possible reference to her previous relationship with the eccentric musician John Mayer. Swift and Farmboy were recently spotted outside the Merivale Farm Boy location last week where Farm Boy still performs once a week as stipulated in his 5 year contract with the Farm Boy store. The couple has also been spotted in the chique Holla Club in NYC and dining at Hintonburger here in Ottawa.

Condo Development Plans For Miniature Christmas Village Upset Retirement Home Residents

2011-12-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - The approval of a 28 story model condo development in a ceramic miniature Christmas village at the Devonshire Retirement Residence has some residents upset and wanting answers. A tradition at Devonshire since 1999 when resident Doris Hillman began her quaint miniature village, residents are concerned the new condo tower planned for the model village will ruin the nostalgic feel of their Christmas village and create unwanted traffic woes.

Ashcroft Homes has recently purchased a 6x6 inch parcel of land in the existing village, which currently contains a miniature ceramic cobbler shop that will be demolished according to plans this December 15th. The ceramic cobbler shop was a gift to Doris from her now deceased roommate at Devonshire, and has her upset at the prospect of a condo tower taking its place. "Bethany gave me that cobbler shop back in 2001, and it breaks my heart to know it will be removed for a pile of condos." Doris Hillman remarked.

Director of Planning at Ashcroft Developments, Norm Selger says the planned model condo tower has been in development for over a year now, and should come as no surprise to the Devonshire residents. "We purchased the cobbler shop from Ms. Hillman last year for market value, so I don't see what the problem is." Selger explained. "Our model condo tower is sure to please residents when its finally constructed later this month, and I think it will only add to the miniature village skyline." commented Selger. Selger also boasted the model condo tower will have an LED display and miniature Starbucks at its base.

A medley of ceramic buildings acquired by Hillman through eBay, gifts from friends and relatives, Hillman is saddened her village will be altered but hopes the nostalgic feelings will not be lost. "Sometimes I pretend to walk the quiet, storybook streets of my miniature village as an escape from this dreary place, and I pretend not to hear the moans and chatter or screams of pain. Now all that might be lost." sobbed Hillman, who plans on staging a miniature protest of ceramic figures moved over from the skating rink area of the village.

Town Of Smiths Falls For Sale On Kijiji For $2,800 Or Trade For Muscle Car

2011-12-07T06:50:00.000-08:00

Smiths Falls - The municipal government of Smiths Falls has decided to sell their town on Kijiji, an online classifieds website, in attempt to unload their plagued town from further deterioration.

The simple, but informative ad informs buyers it has a number of amenities that make it a considerable value at the asking price of $2,800. The ad explains the price includes all parking, businesses (operating or not) and the prestige of being on the World Heritage Designated Rideau Canal System. The town also boats a Zellers, Country Time coffee shop and a number of fuel refilling stations.

Plagued by factory closures, a failing economy, dilapidated homes and now a municipal water problem, town council has unanimously voted to place an ad on the cost-efficient, but well viewed Kijiji classifieds. Trades for a mid-sixties muscle car or cottage are being considered. At the time, the ad had been viewed 238 times. Smiths Falls Mayor, Lloyd Benson was unavailable for comment.

Ottawa School Replaces Christmas Concert With A Visit From "Holidax" The Androgynous, Holiday-Neutral Robot

2011-12-02T07:50:00.000-08:00

Ottawa - Another Ottawa area school has cancelled its annual Christmas assembly for fear it may exclude those students who may not celebrate Christmas, replacing the event with a fun- filled visit from the new holiday-neutral robot called "Holidax". Created specifically for such occasions by the Ottawa-Carleton District School Board, Holidax is a 12 foot mechanical robot that will visit schools across the region, delivering holiday cheer to all children, regardless of their Christmas beliefs.

Mary Whitton Public School in Ottawa South will be the second school to cancel their traditional Christmas assembly out of fear they may be excluding some cultures from the festivities, with the principal of the school, Mary Humphrey-Black, gladly signing up Holidax for a student visit. "I think the androgynous, holiday-neutral robot is a wonderfully inclusive way for the students to celebrate the holidays." Humphrey-Black explained. "I understand Holidax includes all children in his presentation, and in 12 languages, and instead of candy canes, hands out a nutritious and allergy free bio-paste treat that is dispensed from a hole in his lower abdomen."

Engineered by Levant Technologies in Houston , Texas, Holidax the Robot is designed to help students celebrate holidays from all cultures through the use of an androgynous body form, that does not discriminate gender, and also in a non-biased format. His inner body contains a healthy bio-paste of flaxseed and corn meal that is dispensed to children instead of unhealthy candy canes for the holiday season.

The OCDSB applauds the use of Holidax and will be implementing him/her into all school Christmas assemblies over the next few weeks. OCDSB President Linda Johnson says the robot will greatly alleviate the cultural differences between students and bring happiness to all children. "Holidax eliminates the need for any Christmas-centric celebrating...we no longer have to put up Christmas trees, do Nativity scenes, have a gift exchange, sing Christmas carols, hire a Santa, or hand out candy canes anymore. I think the children will all benefit from his visits." says Johnson. "Holidax" is also available for office parties and community events where any traditional celebrations need to be neutralized into a safe, and inclusive environment.

New Ikea To Have Assemble-While-You Wait In Line Option

2011-11-30T07:12:00.000-08:00

Ottawa- When the nation’s largest Ikea store opens next Wednesday December 7th, customers will have the unique option to assemble their furniture while they wait in the massive check-out line ups. With the usual wait times in a typical Ikea check out line being approximately 38 minutes, shoppers can now use that lengthy time to assemble the furniture they have in their carts. Ikea Canada President Olaf Ericksson hopes this new feature will alleviate some of the frustrations Ikea customers had waiting in long line ups at the cash registers. “Now people can assemble their “Klimgarrd” side table while they wait in line, making Ikea yet again the most efficient shopping experience available.” Eriksson boasted.

The new “Assemble-While-You Wait” option will have a seprate queue for customers to tear open their boxes and begin assembling their products while ever so slowly inching towards the cash register. In addition to the assembly area, special pneumatic allen key wrenches will be available for customers to use as well as trained Ikea staff to aid in the assembly proecedure. Eriksson believes this new option will add yet another positive note to the Ikea experience, stating, “Now customers can walk out of the store with a fully assembled product, efficiently using the 38 minutes they spent waiting in line.”

Westboro Christmas Parade Features Leaner, More Fit Santa

2011-11-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

Westboro - Excited children of the Westboro community were greeted to a sighting of Santa Claus this weekend, although the usually rotund, bearded old Saint Nick looked a lot different from what most kids had expected. The Westboro Santa featured in the parade was no longer a plump, jovial elderly bearded man, but rather a late 40's, active living, healthy, fit and clean shaven man, trading in the traditional red and white plush suit for a form fitting Lululemon yoga outfit. Westboro BIA President Sheila Newman wanted to transform the image of the typically un-fit, overweight, elderly image of Santa Claus, into a more vibrant, healthy and positive image that reflects more of the active-living lifestyle her community represents. "Santa should be a role model for the children, and with our Santa, I think he exemplifies a healthy, fit role model for the Westboro children." Newman explained.

Also modified was the traditional sleigh and reindeer that Santa's parade float usually features, being replaced by a more allergy conscious choice of a team of Labradoodles harnessed to a Subaru Forester supplied by Otto's Subaru of Westboro. "A lot of the parade spectators have severe allergies to animal dander, so we thought the Labradoodles were an excellent alternative." replied Newman, who also had Bridghehead coffee house supply the dogs with head toques made from coffee cups.

Before the children were treated to the sight of healthy Saint Nick, the parade also showcased a number of other Westboro parade participants including a team of Nordic Stick Walkers, a brigade of decorated baby strollers and Bridgehead elves distributing fair trade coffee beans instead of the usual sugary candy canes. A barefoot runner and a recumbent bicycle also joined in on the festive fun.

As the healthier, thinner Westboro Santa Claus finally arrived on his Subaru, many children had mixed reactions, with some crying and hiding their faces from the obviously different appearance of their revered Santa Claus. "Santa looks sick, and why is wearing girl's clothes?" one child remarked as the float passed by. The Westboro Santa waved to the children bellowing his trademark "HO HO HO" in both official languages, and reminded children that due to his lactose intolerance and gluten free diet, to please leave behind prune juice and a flax seed muffin instead of the traditional milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.

Jovial Swedish Santa, or "Jultomten" To Open New Ikea December 7th

2011-11-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

Ottawa- After years in the making, the new Ottawa Ikea store will be opened to the public for the first time December 7th by none other than Santa himself, or as he is known in Sweden, "Jultomten". Bearing ingeniously and efficiently packaged gifts for the children, Jultomten is planned to emerge from out of the 400 foot deep children's area ballroom to ceremonially cut the ribbon and officially open Canada's largest Ikea showroom.

Known for his somewhat creepy Scandanavian holiday behaviour and bizarre gnomish attire, the Ikea Jultomten will silently stalk children throughout the store, pouncing on them brandishing a large, candy allen key in a traditional Swedish manner. Sending children screaming from his presence, Jultomten will then devour raw meat from a freshly butchered goat while singing traditional Swedish yuletide hymns.

Ikea Canada President Olaf Eriksson will be present during the opening ceremony and hopes the addition of Jultomten will add some holiday excitement to the event. "Jultomten is a wonderful character from Sweden who I think will be remembered by the children in attendance for years to come." Eriksson remarked. "He is sometimes feared because traditionally he eats children on Christmas Eve, so we thought the raw goat meat would be a safer alternative for the Canadian children who may not be accustomed to Scandanavian folklore." replied Eriksson.

Jultomen will then take his place on his Christmas throne, which is a modified "Larskrat" chair and take excited children onto his knee where he will regale them with stories of ogres, witches and the Christmas goat before handing them their very own candy allen key to take home.

Eriksson looks forward to sharing some Swedish culture with the excited Ottawa shoppers, and hopes to make Jultomten an annual holiday tradition. "The highly anticipated opening of the new Ikea in Ottawa is expected to draw thousands of Christmas shoppers on our opening day, and with the addition of the jovial Jultomten, it is sure to bring more."

Westboro SUVs Crushed As Stroller Chase Strays Off Sidewalk Into Traffic

2011-11-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

Wellington St. W. - Vehicle traffic in the West Wellington Village area was disrupted on a quiet Sunday afternoon after a stroller chase lead to a massive stroller straying off the sidewalk and into traffic. The usually quiet, latte toting sidewalk foot traffic scattered as the errant stroller careened off the sidewalk and head on into a passing Subaru SUV . The climatic end to a 23 minute stroller chase through the baby boutique and active-outerwear lined streets of Westboro and West Wellington Village left 4 vehicles damaged, but no one injured. Police Constable Michaels who responded to the incident said the stroller lost control after being chased by an upset Mother-In-Law who was chasing the stroller and unidentified mom pushing the stroller. The massive stroller narrowly avoided a marble artichoke statue on the sidewalk, careening off the sidewalk and into traffic. Police are still investigating and ask witnesses to the accident to contact their local detachment of the Ottawa Police Department.

OC Transpo Replaces All Bus Drivers With Honda 'ASIMO' Robots

2011-11-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

Ottawa- In a bold and decisive move to improve failing customer service, OC Transpo has fired all bus drivers and replaced them with more efficient and predictable Honda "ASIMO" robots. The change was made effective midnight Wednesday, with the new friendly robots taking their places behind the wheels of city buses Thursday morning.

After a recent string of negative incidents being reported and making headlines over the past week, OC Transpo held an emergency board meeting with an executive decision being made to relieve all current drivers of their duties as of midnight Wednesday, and putting the ASIMO robots in their place. OC Transpo purchased 3,000 of the Honda robots last week sensing trouble from the Transit Union which has come under fire recently for its highly publicized negative customer service. ASIMO is a humanoid robot created by Honda that has programmed Artificial Intelligence that allows it to drive bus routes with ease and on schedule. ASIMO, which is an acronym for "Advanced Step inInnovative MObility" is 4 feet, 3 inches tall and 119 lbs. and can politely deal with all aspects of transit customer service, including irate passengers, transfer or route questions as well as general knowledge information. The robots are programmed to never use profanity, sing, or abandon a bus and can easily navigate traffic situations with the utmost of ease.

Union officials are upset at the recent shift to robot drivers and are investigating legal action with regards to the mass firing of all human bus drivers within OC Transpo. Passengers that frequent OC Transpo services applaud the move with many looking forward to getting to their destinations on time and without trouble. "Now we can all get to work on time and not live in fear of another strike." commented one passenger who shook the robot's hand in thanks as he disembarked from his bus.

Barrhaven Historical Society Rallies To Save 1993 Winners Store

2011-11-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Barrhaven - Residents of the Barrhaven community were greeted Monday morning by the rallying chants and protests of members of the Barrhaven Historical Society as they waved placards in front of the closed Winners store that is slated for demolition next week.

The Barrhaven Historical Society, or BHS, has been lobbying the City of Ottawa to save the historic 1993 building which has stood at the corner of Greenbank and Strandherd Roads for almost 18 years. BHS President Glen Simmons, stood in front of the decaying, stucco and brick building, hoping to bring about a last minute change to the decision to demolish the heritage building. "This has been an important retail hub for many Barrhaven residents over the last few decades, bringing quality name brand merchandise at affordable prices to the community." Simmons remarked. "To demolish this cultural and historic building would be a grave loss for this generation, and generations to come." said Simmons, who has contacted City Hall numerous times to try and save the abandoned building.

Simmons wants the city to recognize the historical significance of the building which utilizes, pre-century architectural details such as polymer stucco, pink and blue detailing, and a tinted glass facade. Simmons believes the building is part of Barrhaven's rich, suburban past and needs to saved. 'This kind of building is truly a reminder of our illustrious retail past." Simmons commented before heading to a Quizno's for a toasted turkey club sub.

The City of Ottawa was unavailable for comment on the matter, but sources indicate the building is being demolished to make way for a new HomeSense store and possible Talbots factory outlet.

Makers Of Popular 'Angry Birds' Launch New 'Angry Bus Drivers' Game

2011-11-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

Ottawa- Recent news of an OC Transpo bus driver who lost his temper at a mentally challenged passenger has spawned the developers of the widely popular 'Angry Birds' video game to launch a new app game entitled 'Angry Bus Bus Drivers'. The highly anticipated new game features a disgruntled OC Transpo bus driver in a fit of rage, destroying notable Ottawa landmarks such as the Parliament Buildings, and the more topical Royal Ottawa Mental Health Institute, inspired by the real-life report of an Ottawa bus driver screaming profanities at a mentally ill passenger.

"This new game is a highly entertaining follow-up to our sensationally popular original 'Angry Birds' game, which has sold over 300 million copies worldwide." explained Angry Birds Senior Developer Johann Nustailennen, who helped create the original Angry Birds game in 2009. "Basing our new game on the actual video footage of an OC Transpo bus driver unleashing a rage of profanity laden anger towards a handicapped passenger will bring a certain level of topical realism that I think fans of the original game should enjoy." Nustailennen remarked. After multiple levels of destroying Ottawa landmarks, players can unlock a level where they can ram an angry bus driver down the throat of a meek passenger for bonus points.

The 'Angry Bus Driver' game is officially launched on November 12 at which point customers can download the game app for $1.99 through the App Store. OC Transpo will be earning substantial royalties from the game sales once it is released, but still plans on raising transit fares in 2012 to ensure they can hire only the best, hatred filled, angry bus drivers for Ottawa passengers to enjoy.

Concerned Parents Implement Own Traffic Calming Measures

2011-10-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

Wellington West - A group of concerned parents on Huron Ave. in Wellington Village have taken matters into their own hands regarding motorists who fail to slow down on their child inhabited, residential street. After repeated attempts to calm traffic with city-issued traffic calming measures, a group of concerned parents banded together to seek out and destroy speeding vehicles with covertly placed snipers, and a more sternly worded speed-radar sign. The controversial move has raised a few eyebrows at City Hall, but the majority of councillors seem in favour of the vigilante style crack down on residential speeders, and hope the use of extreme force will significantly reduce the speeds of bypassing traffic. "We told these residents a speed bump costs around $5,000 to install." Kitchissppi Ward councillor Katherine Hobbs explained. "In no way does the city endorse the use of violence to reduce speeders in residential areas, but we have seen a significant drop in speeding complaints since the Huron parents hired the sharp shooter." remarked Hobbs.

Motorists frequently will cut through Huron Ave in an attempt to avoid the busy Holland Avenue rush hour traffic, but this has caused numerous issues with Huron Street residents who are worried their children, who play in and around the street, could be injured or killed by the fast moving traffic. "Our kids play in these streets, and it has become increasingly dangerous for them." Huron Avenue resident Keith Archer stated. "We tried using the plastic frog sign with a flag to warn drivers to slow down, but that didn't work, and with the red tape of getting speed bumps installed, we thought contracting mercenary sharp shooters would be more effective in slowing speeders down." replied Archer.

So far 26 motorists have been gunned down for speeding through the residential West End street, reducing speeding by up to 85%. The hired snipers usually aim for the engine block of a speeding vehicle in question, but also have resorted to shooting out tires and fuel tanks. "We use armour piercing rounds that slice through an engine block like a hot knife through butter." hired sniper "Captain X" explained, who remains anonymous for security reasons. "If you are speeding down my contracted street, beware...you will be slowed down." the ex-Navy Seal warned.

Halloween Costumed Dogs Go Feral On Owner

2011-10-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Two pet dogs went absolutely feral on their owner after being made to wear ridiculous Halloween costumes which may have triggered aggressive behaviour in the dogs. "Rory" an Alsatian mix, and "Sally" a Golden Retriever were forced to wear an Elvis and fireman dog costumes respectively for a neighbourhood Halloween party but the simple act of "dress-up" turned sour when the two dogs snapped, and then turned on their owners resulting in a viscous attack that leaves 38 year old Terry Howitz in hospital with multiple lacerations.

Dog expert and local veterinarian Dr. Laura Goldstein believes the unprovoked attack is a direct result of the dogs feeling ashamed and dis-respected, belittling their primal pack instincts, and ultimately leading them to lash out through a feral attack. "We see this kind of feral attack behaviour more often around Halloween and Christmas when owners think it's cute to outfit their pets in hilarious outfits, but most pet owners forget these are pack animals derived from the wolf genus, which can lead to an unprovoked attack due to feelings of shame and ridicule." Goldstein remarked.

Pet owners are advised to use caution when donning their dogs in goofy outfits, and to respect the dog's feelings. "Maybe your dog doesn't really want to be dressed as Darth Vader or Elvis." Goldstein commented. "Dogs can be unpredictable, especially when in a super-hero costume."

Zombies, Fake Cobwebs And Witch Hat Spook Up Local Nursing Home

2011-10-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ottawa- The usual moans and groans emanating from The Shadesmere nursing home are no longer from the residents, but from the pre-recorded spooky soundtrack the enthusiastic receptionist is playing during the week leading up to her favourite day...Halloween. Kelly Snider, a receptionist at The Shadesmere, has taken it upon herself to “spookify” the reception desk and surrounding area with fake cobwebs, zombie mannequins and by donning a hilarious witch hat to greet and monitor residents as they pass by. “I really wanted to bring some ghoulish flair to these halls, make the residents really feel like they are among the undead this Halloween.” remarked Snider, who wears an oversized witch hat during her shift at The Shadesmere, a seniors retirement and nursing centre located in Kanata.

Residents from The Shadesmere have mixed reactions to the spooky, haunted decor in their hallowed halls, with some residents unable to distinguish the scary mannequins from their fellow roommates. One 92 year old resident was somewhat taken aback by the mechanical ghost that jumps out from a broom closet, sending her to the Emergency Room to be treated for shock. “I guess the spookiness and ghoulish flair is a bit much for some of the older residents, but I think the majority get a real kick out of my Halloween decorations.” stated Snider who passes out molasses candies to residents each Halloween. “A lot of them ruin their dentures with the candy, but I think it’s all worth it.” she replied.

Fall Colours Of New MiniVans, Dying Lawn Grass Draw Huge Crowds To Barrhaven

2011-10-20T05:01:00.000-07:00

Barrhaven- Countless crowds of curious onlookers flooded the streets of Barrhaven earlier this week to take in the vibrant colours of the changing lawns and newly leased minivans inside the community. Devoid of any trees or other foliage, Barrhaven boasts an impressive and colourful display of dying lawns and new minivans that paint a mutli-coloured palette of vibrancy within the suburban community. Onlookers from as far away as Pembroke have descended upon the suburb to gaze upon the colourful display of rapidly changing lawns and minivans that transform the landscape.

In contrast to last year’s somewhat neutral palette of minivan colours, the 2011 season brings a wide range of new colours ranging from metallic blues to deep reds that really luminesce under the midday sun. “We just love coming here to look at the new van colours, and with the changing lawns, it really adds an autumn flair to our community.” stated Barrhaven resident Kimothy Handforth, who brought her mother-in-law from Europe to soak in the spectacle of colours. “I knew the lawns were changing colour with the cool nights, but the added vibrancy of the new 2012 model minivans really adds a spectrum of colour.” Handforth’s mother-in-law remarked.

Barrhaven’s lack of foliage and trees has not detracted from the autumn colours in the neighbourhood through the spectral change in home owner’s lawns and acquisition of new model minivans. “The whole neighbourhood is alive with colour as residents buy new minivans and let their lawns disintegrate over the fall months.” resident Gary Muskton commented. The suburb of Barrhaven expects over 5,000 outside visitors to gaze upon their colourful offerings this coming weekend, and hope onlookers enjoy their offerings of colour. “It’s great, we don’t have to rake any leaves because we have no trees, but we can all enjoy the colour variety through our latest minivans and diverse variety of degenerating lawns.” Handforth proudly remarked.

Westboro Welcomes New Organic, Artisan Gun Shop

2011-10-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Westboro- A new neighbour joined the bustling shopping mecca of Westboro this past weekend when "Lulubridgetukah Co-Op" opened its doors Saturday morning to throngs of shoppers making their way through the vibrant neighbourhood. A destination for active living and outdoorsy-type shoppers, the new store will provide discriminating Westboro shoppers with organic, fair trade artisan made hand guns of the highest quality. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op owner Ray Nobleman opened his store to fill the need for a gun shop that provided durable but organically made hand guns for the residents of Westboro and surrounding area. "I knew I wanted to open a shop that offered artisan crafted, fair trade hand guns that were also bio-degradable for active living lifestyles." Nobleman explained. "Now Westboro shoppers have the opportunity to browse our selection of fine weapons and accessories while sipping their latte, or walking their baby in a stroller." remarked Nobleman, whose store boasts over 1,500 square feet of concealable hand guns with a special baby stroller parking area that accommodates the over-sized strollers that most Westboro residents utilize.

A former US Navy Seal, Nobleman brings over 30 years of hand gun experience to Westboro shoppers, who he thinks will be impressed by his wide selection of firearms. Lulubridgetukah Co-Op will also market lessons, and proper holstering instructions to clients who purchase a hand gun at no extra charge. Nobleman also notes his store has a built in firing range where customers can squeeze off a few rounds and test their weapon before purchase.

Lulubridgetukah Co-Op had its Grand Opening Saturday with hundreds of Westboro shoppers stopping in to check out the selection of hand guns and unique accessories that included a stroller holster, and special hemp holster that easily conceals inside a fleece vest. The store is located in between the two Bridgehead coffee shops in Westboro on Richmond Road and can also be found online at wwwLulubridgetukah.com

Westboro Parents Concerned Over Safety Of Fall Leaves

2011-10-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

Ottawa- Parents in the Westboro/Wellington West neighbourhoods are voicing some concerns over the safety of the city's tree leaves that have changed colour and fallen to the ground this autumn season. The various multi-coloured leaves strewn over lawns, parks and sidewalks have raised concerns with some parents whose children may frolic in the neighbourhood leaves, leading to possible injury, or worse, unbridled fun. "My little Jadix-Heath was running through a pile of leaves and I screamed for her to get out of them." Anne Glosson-Llewelyn, a worried Westboro mother, remarked. "They could possibly cause an allergic reaction, a cut or even a tumble." Glosson-Llewelyn replied. She joins a group of other concerned parents who want the city to remove all the leaves as quickly as possible before serious injuries occur. "We need the city to get in to our parks and collect and dispose of these dangerous objects before our innocent children suffer the consequences." Pamela Handmere explained, Co-Vice President of W.I.M.P (Westboro Involved Monitoring Parents)

Handmere along with the other concerned parents are afraid the loosely fallen autumn leaves may cause injury to unsuspecting children in the neighbourhood and have formed a website to better help parents prepare for the dangers of leaf piles, blowing leaves and falling leaves. Handmere advises parents to dress their children in protective goggles, safety vests and helmets to guard them from errant leaves which may cause an allergic reaction or mental trauma. "The leaves may look pretty but could lead to something tragic, which we think could be avoided and remedied by the city cleaning up these rogue leaves." Handmere commented.

Concerned parents are encouraged to review www.westendleafdangers.com for further information on this sometimes overlooked autumn threat.

Record Voter Turnout Attributed To Fun New Pumpkin Ballot Boxes

2011-10-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

Ontario- A record number of Ontario voters turned out in droves Thursday to cast their ballots in what has become the most well attended voter turnout in Ontario Election history. Elections Ontario is attributing the record turnout to their use of new whimsical, seasonal themed ballot boxes that utilized hand carved pumpkin jack-o-lanterns, making the voting process a fun and rewarding experience. Angela Polmeda, President of Elections Ontario is praising the new pumpkin ballot boxes, and is pleased with the positive response and the results this election. “We thought it would be a fun way for voters to cast their ballots, instead of the traditional and somewhat boring white cardboard box.” Polmeda explained. “Counting the ballots was a little more difficult with pumpkin juice staining a lot of the votes, but we made up for that with voter turn-out, which was our goal.” she explained.

Polling stations across Ontario had pumpkin boxes provided to them by local schools and youth groups, who hand carved each ballot pumpkin so each voter had a unique and individual voting experience. “I really smiled dropping my ballot into the pumpkin carved out to look like a pirate, it made voting fun.” remarked an unidentified voter from North Bay. “It’s usually so boring, but I liked it this time, it felt really seasonal with the whole pumpkin thing.” he replied.

The ballot pumpkins will be destroyed and burned, or smashed onto roadways after they are emptied and accounted for as per Elections Onatrio regulations.

New Extended Timed Crosswalk Signals Raise Concern

2011-10-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - After a successful Seniors Summit hosted by Mayor Jim Watson at City Hall yesterday, City Council unanimously voted to increase the walk times indicated by city traffic signals at intersections frequented by the elderly population. The change was made after a number of elderly residents complained they didn't have enough time to walk across the the intersection before traffic dangerously started to move again. The new traffic signal countdowns now have an increased timer, hopefully allowing the senior pedestrians more time to make their way across busy intersections.

Seniors attending Mayor Watson's Seniors Summit voiced their concerns over the timed crosswalks after explaining how their decreased mobility, slower stride and use of walkers made it impossible for them to safely traverse city intersections in the 7-9 second time frame current crosswalk signals allowed. "I am 88 and I just don't move like I used to." remarked Nelly Garwood, who raised the issue at the open forum yesterday. "I get extremely stressed out trying to shuffle across the street with my walker when I look up and see I only have 7 seconds to make it all the way across Carling Avenue." Garwood explained. Garwood joined approximately 9 other seniors who voiced similar concerns to the Mayor and his councillors during the Senior Summit, requesting the city extend the countdown period on the traffic signals in areas frequented by senior citizens. "I need at least 60 seconds to make it across Richmond Road before those nutjobs in their fancy SUVs start running me down." an emotional Herb Fenwick commented during the open forum.

In a swift and immediate response, Mayor Jim Watson ordered all traffic signals to extend their countdown times, resulting in some intersections having a 5 minute countdown for pedestrians. This has irked some motorists who are now waiting up to 10 minutes at already congested intersections. "I feel for the elderly, but now I am waiting about 10 minutes to turn left on Holland." replied a concerned motorist after experiencing the new timed crosswalk signals. Mayor Watson hailed the initiative and hopes Ottawa motorists will be patient and respect the slowly moving senior citizen pedestrians. "I think these new extended time crosswalks are great, and I look forward to using them myself when I walk the streets." Mayor Watson remarked. Other initiatives that will soon apply as a result of the Senior Summit Mayor Watson hosted will include enlarged parking spaces in city parking lots and streets to accommodate the huge vehicles and poor eyesight of elderly drivers, an elimination of all curbs on streets surrounding Carlingwood Mall and the creation of "FogieFest" a city endorsed festival for the aged next summer.

Local Campaign Sign Distracting Drivers

2011-09-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - The provincial Liberal candidate for Ottawa Centre is drawing criticism for his use of a potentially dangerous and distracting campaign sign on the 417 Queensway. The 50 foot “wavy arms” flailing red and white inflatable, goofy character hoping to attract the attention of passing motorists has drawn a number of complaints from commuters using the highway, claiming it is a distraction from their driving. Liberal candidate Yasir Naqvi who is using the unique campaign sign, has said the wildly writhing, thrashing inflatable polyester sign has only received positive feedback and thinks those voicing concern are from the office of Tory candidate Rob Dekker. “The sign is obviously hilarious with its flailing arms and torso, but also eye catching, hopefully garnering me enough votes from Ottawa Centre allowing me to continue providing excellent service to its residents.” responded incumbent Yasir Naqvi when asked about his distinctive campaign sign.

Motorists on the 417 who pass by the large, wildly undulating character near the Parkdale exit have been somewhat positive to the sign, but some have had said the flailing arms slap across their windshields during high winds, which may cause an accident. “I think it’s awesome, and I’ll vote for this Naqvi guy.” remarked one motorist, Bill Hanley, who passed by the inflatable sign as he exited the Queensway. “I saw it whip an arm into a Smart car, but the driver recovered okay, so I don’t see it as a problem.” Hanley remarked.

The campaign office of Rob Dekker, PC candidate for Ottawa Centre has said they are not responsible for filing the complaints against the flailing sign and are actually looking into a similarly eye-catching sign that will be towed by a low flying CF-18 fighter jet over the city during commuting hours.

Use Of Wingdings Font May Hinder Candidate's Chances

2011-09-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ottawa Centre - Local independent candidate John Black is frustrated to discover his campaign signs have been mistakenly printed using the Wingdings font which may hinder his election chances. The somewhat hard-to-read campaign signs were hastily printed and Mr. Black regretfully admits he forgot to proof read the final design before it was sent to the printers. "I just got so busy with looming deadlines that I guess I forgot to double check my sign's font." Black admitted when the gaff was pointed out to him by a local resident. "They were originally going to be a nice Futura font, but I must have accidentally pressed something on the keyboard and Wingdings came out." responded a frazzled Black.

Wingdings is a TrueType dingbat font included in all versions of Microsoft Windows from version 3.1 onwards and was originally developed in 1990 by Microsoft by combining glyphs from Lucida Icons, Arrows, and Stars. Independent candidate John Black is disappointed to learn of his typo on the election campaign signs, but is confident voters will see past his Wingdings characters and really appreciate his serious stance on provincial infrastructure development, health care, taxes and education initiatives. "Please look past the Wingdings and realize I am committed to serious change in this province." Black exclaimed. No plans have been made to fix the Wingding signs as Black's promotional budget has already been used for the current signs.

More And More Cats Driving Seniors Around

2011-09-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Plans to test more elderly drivers to determine if they are capable and safe to be on Ontario roads has put hundreds of cats in the driver’s seat. Stricter testing of senior drivers has left a lot of the elderly without a licence, but still maintaining a vehicle. “A lot of these elderly drivers depend on a car to get around in life, and now a lot of cats are taking the wheel for them, which I think is even more dangerous.” Minister of Transportation Belinda Chesterland exclaimed after she was questioned about the rise in cat drivers at a press conference Tuesday. “I know some older drivers may need a refresher course on how to drive, but I do believe they are a safer alternative to the possible cat drivers.”

Increased testing and revoking driver’s licences of those that fail a safe driving test is raising concern among the elderly population in the province, some who have been driving for more than 80 years. “If they take away my licence, they can’t take away my car, and that means Trixie will be driving me around town.” remarked Herb Portolli, an 89 year old driver who is upset at the strict plan to test older drivers. “I mean I might not stop at all the lights, but I do when I see them, so I don’t think its fair.” Portolli explained. “Trixie is a smart cat, and if I can’t drive, she will, and she is already pretty damn good at parallel parking.”

Mandatory testing of drivers over the age of 75 comes after a comprehensive study showed more than 34% of automobile accidents involve drivers over the age of 70. "We need to curb this disturbing trend, and mandatory driver testing is one way we can keep Ontario’s roads safe.” Chesterland replied.

A 95 year old woman whose licence was suspended after being involved in 27 accidents in 3 months and was recently arrested in Brampton, On after she placed her pet cat behind the wheel and forced the cat to drive her to a doctor’s appointment. The senior citizen says she did not want to sell her car and trusted her cat, Patsy, could handle the traffic. “She’s good on her feet and I help her with the signals, so I don’t know what the problem is.”

New Sens Jersey Has Retro "Cosby" Theme

2011-09-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

Ottawa -Recent leaked photos of the new Ottawa Senators jersey shows a vibrant "Cosby Show" look to the design, implementing a retro 1990's sweater theme that heralds back to a time when the Ottawa Senators first took to the ice in 1991. A popular TV show during that period, the newly formed Ottawa Senators joined the NHL at the same time in 1991. The new jerseys display a multi-coloured look with a throw back to early 1990's fashion. A stylized “O” in the middle of the new sweater is a tribute to the original Senators franchise, which was one of the founding clubs in the National Hockey League when it was formed in 1917. The new sweater bears a striking resemblance to the sweaters made famous by Bill Cosby who wore similarly styled sweaters on his hit TV show which was broadcast from 1984 to 1992, the latter part being a period when the Senators first took to the ice.

“While we are very disappointed to have our new jersey revealed in this manner, we are pleased to see the early comments from fans are extremely positive,” exclaimed Jeff Kyle, the Senators vice-president of marketing. "We feel the retro 1990's Cosby sweater theme will tie in nicely with our 20th anniversary celebrations this season." Kyle announced.

“We believe that this jersey will be a top seller in the National Hockey League this season, especially as fans learn the story behind how it was designed.”

Kyle is keeping many other details secret until the official jersey launch Oct. 1, however he did elaborate on the unique design of the Cosby themed jerseys. "We wanted fans to feel a connection to that time period in 1991 when the Sens first took to the ice here in Ottawa, and what better way to do that than utilize the sweaters made famous by "The Cosby Show", the hit TV show of that era." Kyle explained.

“We look forward to promoting the new Cosby jersey and think fans, both young and old, will appreciate the design that incorporates elements of the early Senators team into what we feel will become a truly iconic symbol of Senators hockey,” Kyle remarked.

New Sports Bar Offers 2,348 Flat Screens Covering Every Inch Of Wallspace

2011-09-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Joining the ranks of the 12,348 other sports bars in Ottawa, "Pinch Hits" opened its doors Wednesday to enthusiastic crowds of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder patrons who have trouble focusing on one thing at a time. The new sports bar boasts over 2,000 flat screen television monitors plastering every available space on the walls of the establishment. Bar owner Clint Devries says his new sports bar will fill the gap where other sports bars fall short, and that is not enough flat screen televisions simultaneously blasting every imaginable sport on the planet to needy patrons. "There is a serious lack of screens in sports bars today." Devries exclaimed. "Pinch Hits is here to fill that void, and provide customers with a 360 degree sensory overload of sports."

"Pinch Hits" is a new venture for DeVries who previously worked for the Dilawri Automotive Group as their commercial advertising campaign manager. "I know how to hit all the senses and make people pay attention with over-bearing, loud and catchy messages, so it was an easy transition to a sports bar where those assets are essential." Devries remarked.

Customers are already applauding the over 2,000 screen establishment, citing it provides them with a chance to keep an eye on all sports, no matter where they look. "Now I just tilt my head and I'm informed of what's going on in every imaginable sport." bar patron Danny Slyvick, a diagnosed ADHD patient replied. "No more wondering what's happening on the other channel."

After the grand opening Wednesday, "Pinch Hits" suffered only two casualties due to the multiple screens. A 38 year old customer was sent to hospital after an epileptic fit due to the sensory overload, and a man lost his mind and jumped out a window after trying to process the stimulus assault within the bar.

"Pinch Hits" is located in a non-descript strip mall beside the new Rio-Can Centre on Merivale Road. They offer a selection of wings, ribs, burgers, nachos and other discriminating sports foods. Reservations are not required, but a waiver must be signed upon entry.

"Smell Of Mechanicsville" to Join "Taste Of Wellington" This Weekend

2011-09-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

Wellington Village - The fifth anniversary of Wellington West BIA's "Taste Of Wellington" event kicks off once again this weekend where you can check out the area's great taste in food, fashion, and fun as thirty-five of the finest restaurants and food shops tantalize taste buds with samples of their specialties. Tying in with this popular event will be the first annual "Smell Of Mechanicsville, where visitors can wander the streets of the neighbourhood and sample the myriad of interesting smells and aromas emanating from its diverse array of buildings.

Mechanicsville BIA President Denise Hawkburn says their "Smell of Mechanicsville" will tie in nicely with the "Taste Of Wellington" and hopes visitors will get a chance to enjoy both events that are mere blocks apart from each other. "We have over 50 unique smells in our neighbourhood ranging from rotting garbage, to mouldy abandoned buildings, to the smell of a recently tarred roof." exclaimed Hawkburn, who hopes to make the Smell Of Mechanicsville just as popular as its sister neighbourhood's "Taste Of Wellington", which offers crowds free samples of food from the variety of restaurants located in the Wellington West neighbourhood. Hawkburn also reminds visitors that the "Smell Of Mechanicsville" will be offering kids rides in a horse drawn engineless TransAm as well as unemployed clowns making fibreglass animals made out of unused construction insulation from a recent in-fill project.

The "Smell Of Mechanicsville" event begins in conjunction with "Taste Of Wellington" starting at 11am on Saturday Spetember 17 and runs until 4pm.

Man With Super Duty Crew Cab Turbo Diesel Pick-Up Truck Finds 400 Horsepower, 800lb-ft Torque Comes In Handy Picking Up Groceries

2011-09-06T20:19:00.000-07:00

Carleton Place - A Carleton Place resident is thankful he opted to purchase the durable and reliable Super Duty Crew Cab Turbo Diesel with its impressive 400hp/800lb-ft torque after having to pick up both groceries AND a case of beer last Tuesday night. Daryl Cummins, 32, recently purchased his heavy duty vehicle after realizing he might need it to haul loads from in town to their 3 bedroom home 4km outside the town limits. "With the unexpected loads I might have to carry, the Super Duty Crew Cab was the logical choice." explained Cummins, who works in town at the local NAPA auto Parts counter. Cummins joins the ranks of every other male in Carleton Place who has to own a massive pick-up truck or else face ridicule from other males. In 2004, one unidentified Carleton Place male purchased a Japanese made hatchback and was ostracized from the community, resulting in his exodus to another city.

Cummins called upon the large amount of horsepower and torque in his Super Duty Crew Cab to retrieve 5 bags of groceries, including a case of Pepsi, and on the return home, a 24 case of Molson Canadian beer, pushing the truck to its performance limits. "I seen the other guys struggle with their V6's tryin' to haul groceries, so I knew I had to get the Turbo Diesel V8." reflected Cummins who is thankful for the ample horsepower under the hood of his new truck.

"Sometimes the wife wants me to pick up her elliptical machine from her ex's place, so I am pretty confident I can get the job done with this truck." Cummins beamed.

With sequential multi-point fuel injection, variable valve control and the strong 400hp turbo diesel, Cummins is sure he can tackle even the toughest chores with his truck. "Might have to move a buddy's stove and fridge next week, as well as take some garbage to the dump, so I am grateful I got the torque to get the job done." replied Cummins, who later joined all other male residents in town to discuss what day in November they should ride their snowmobiles around town.

New Traffic Light Confuses Motorists

2011-09-06T05:26:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - The recent installation of a multi-signal traffic light on the corner of Rideau and King Edward Streets has some motorists concerned and somewhat confused, especially during rush-hour traffic flow. The new 48 light signal was installed to help alleviate traffic problems at the problem intersection, but has proved to be confusing and hard to decipher during when encountered. Since the installation of the new signal last week, there have been 47 reported collisions at the intersection, leading City Traffic officials to re-consider the implications of the new signal. “We thought this new traffic light would help ease some of the congestion and traffic flow problems at this busy intersection, but it looks like the light is causing even more problems.” explained City Traffic Manager Hugh Slovic. “Multiple advance greens, directional greens, and an assortment of flashing reds have some motorists confused, especially during the split second driving reactions of rush hour traffic.” Slovic remarked.

The new traffic light confuses some motorists with its 68 different light signals, and has even caused epileptic reactions in certain drivers who encounter the signal. A City Traffic Study is ongoing to see what solution, if any, can be reached at the intersection. In the meantime City officials advise motorists to avoid the area unless they enjoy frustrating wait times and dealing with confused motorists trying to figure out the traffic light.

Safety Concerns Arise As Concrete Balloons Take To The Skies Over Gatineau

2011-08-31T06:50:00.001-07:00

Gatineau - The 24th Annual Gatineau Hot-Air Balloon festival that opens this weekend is in hot water after it was announced concrete hot air balloons will take to the skies during this year's festivities. Safety concerns have been raised after recent Quebec concrete mishaps on roadways and bridges, leading organizers to re-consider having the Quebec Concrete Balloons participate in the 3 day festival in Gatineau.

Festival organizer, Gilles Guimond is confident the concrete balloons are safe enough to hover overhead of the thousands of spectators who attend the annual event. "The balloons there, are safe, the concrete has been inspected and no visible signs of cracking or deteriorating were found." Guimond remarked. 'These concrete balloons should be just as safe as the cloth ones, and are even non-flammable." explained Guimond, who has been overseeing the festival for the last 15 years. "Quebec concrete has gotten some bad press lately, but I am confident these concrete balloons will remain aloft during their performance over the heads of 10,000 people."

Recent failed concrete in Quebec has been responsible for considerable damage to persons and property, and has some people upset they are now putting concrete balloons into the Gatineau skies. "I am just imagining one breaking apart in the sky, it would be so tragic." a concerned citizen Margot Chase replied when asked about the concrete balloons. "Let's just hope these heavier-than-air devices are carefully inspected before taking to the skies." Chase remarked.

For the last 24 years, the Gatineau Hot Air Balloon festival has hosted hundreds of balloons at their festival and hopes the new concrete balloons will draw even more crowds this year. "The large propane tanks blasting large flames to heat the concrete shells should be quite a spectacle." Guimond replied. "We hope the concrete balloons return next year as well."

Picnic Forces Family Members To Pretend To Like Each Other For 3 Hours

2011-08-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Ottawa- Andrew Haydon Park on the shores of the picturesque Ottawa River was the backdrop this past Sunday for the annual Carruthers Family Picnic. Bringing together upwards of 20 members of the Carruthers family to one location for more than 20 minutes forced individuals to pretend they actually cared about fellow family members while they ate undercooked M&M Meatshop burgers and dry, home-made coleslaw.

"I made sure to bring lots of beer in the cooler to get through this ordeal." lamented Tim Carruthers, second cousin to Beatrice Carruthers, who organized the family event again this year. "I knew I'd be trapped listening to various family members talking about their assorted medical ailments so I wanted to make sure I had enough alcohol on hand to endure it." Tim explained. "Last year I ended up examining Aunt Gladys' neck goiter."

Only ever having to mingle and converse with each other at funerals and Christmas parties, the Carruthers made a successful attempt to engage one another in pleasant conversation without breaking down into the usual arguing and name-calling. Delicious picnic food items brought to the potluck event also helped ease any tension. There was only one reported instance of an altercation when Uncle Hank asked Cousin Gary if he ever planned on getting a girlfriend with Uncle Hank expressing his thoughts that Gary might be gay. After a brief verbal altercation and an intervention from Grandma Lori, the situation was successfully diffused.

After three hours of forced pleasantries and 28 bottles of home made wine being consumed, the picnic quickly wrapped up with family members all insincerely saying "They should do this more often" and "It's been too long" before quickly retreating to their vehicles and hastily leaving the park.

Jaunty Mr. Peanut Detained By Police After Showing Up At Back To School Sale

2011-08-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - In a bizarre incident, the jovial and monocle bespectacled Mr. Peanut was apprehended by a City Of Ottawa Tactical Police Squad at a local Staples store early Wednesday morning. Appearing to be purchasing some three-ring binders that were on sale, Mr. Peanut was forced to the ground and handcuffed before being transported to a waiting police van.

Some concerned parents called 911 after fearing he may kill scores of school children who were shopping for back-to-school bargains in the same store. "My Kesha-Sandra was within ten feet of him, and I haven't had her allergy test results back yet, so I thought it best to call the police." a concerned parent remarked as the SWAT team questioned Mr. Peanut. Another parent, Leslie Ruthbert, who was getting some school supplies with her son, Jaiden, 8, expressed concern Mr. Peanut should not be allowed in public. "Jaiden could have been killed today!" Ruthbert screamed. "The school board is enforcing strict no-peanut butter sandwiches in the schools, and yet this menace is allowed to freely wander the streets?!" a rattled Ruthbert commented.

Known for his usually easy-going nature promoting delicious salty nut snacks, Mr. Peanut was obviously shaken by the police take down in Staples and is seeking psychological aid after being constantly banished from most public spaces. "Right now we are questioning him and finding out why he would wander into a store that had so many peanut-allergic children in it." Police Chief Vern White explained. "Mr. Peanut is telling us he just wanted to get some discounted three-ring binders and had no idea he was such a threat to children, but we'll detain him for further questioning." White replied.

After a colourful career as a wealthy snack magnate in the 1920's and 1930's Mr. Peanut refuses to give up his playboy lifestyle and continues to wear spats, a top hat and monocle. Close friend and fellow aristocrat, Monopoly Man was seen visiting Mr. Peanut at the Ottawa Police Station where Peanut will be released later in the day.

Kanata Family Praise Giant SUV After Encountering Some Uneven Pavement And Gravel Road Construction

2011-08-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

Kanata - The Kiley family is thanking their over-sized Lincoln Mastodon SUV after encountering some unexpected road construction on their way back from Montana's Grill in the Centrum Mall Monday evening.

The family of four, who have lived in the suburb of Kanata since 2009, were taken by surprise by some unforeseen road construction on Terry Fox Drive which resulted in the substantially large SUV having to navigate some treacherous road conditions. Dust, gravel, potholes and an uneven section of the pavement were all experienced by the vehicle, which traversed the adverse conditions with ease, although the driver of the vehicle, 34 year old Tammy Kiley was treated for shock after the encounter. “I had no idea why the pavement just ended like that and turned into gravel with potholes.” Kiley explained. “All I could do was grip the Corinthian stitched leather wrapped steering wheel even harder and hope the Traction Control system kicked in.” a traumatized Kiley recounted. “You just hope the car can make it through the terrain and that the family would be safe.”

Uncommon for a SUV to experience such adverse conditions in the suburbs of Ottawa, the Kileys are thankful they choose the All-Wheel-Drive and Tru-Trac suspension options when they bought their Lincoln Mastodon last year, “I wanted it fully loaded in case something like this were to happen.” remarked Duncan Kiley, Tammy's husband who was in the passenger seat during the ordeal. “The SUV has only seen smooth pavement from our house to Innovatech Systems, so we were all scared of what was going to happen. You just hope the vehicle can handle it.” Duncan Kiley, 45, remarked. “I had a couple of Mega Margaritas at Montana’s so Tammy drove home. I remember thinking that I was grateful that we got the SUV so we would all be safe.”

Weighing over 4 tonnes with seating for 10, the Mastodon is the largest in Lincoln’s fleet of SUV’s, and claims it was designed for the rough, and sometimes dangerous world of suburban driving. “We wanted our vehicle to remain a safe haven for our drivers so they have peace of mind encountering situations like the one the Kiley’s experienced.” Director of Lincoln Canada Customer Relations Herb Dangard replied. “We design and test our SUVs for these kind of conditions.” explained Dangard. Boasting a 498 HP V-10 engine with 3000 cubic feet of cargo space, the Mastodon is fast becoming the vehicle of choice for suburban families who require the safety and confidence of handling treacherous road construction, while at the same time, accommodating large items from Home Sense and Best Buy. The Mastodon is also able to transport an entire PeeWee soccer team and comes equipped with cappuccino machine and built-in 46" LED screen entertainment system.

Bridgehead Plans New Location In Westboro Manhole

2011-08-15T14:52:00.001-07:00

Westboro - The well-known and popular coffee shop chain "Bridgehead" began construction yesterday on their 235th location in the west end of Ottawa down a manhole located on Richmond Road across from the existing location beside LuluLemon. The new underground Bridgehead location will service those customers who are in need of fair-trade coffee as they cross the street and can not wait until they get to the other side where a Bridgehead location already exists. "We want our valued customers to have mid-street access to our delicious blends of fair trade coffees without having to walk completely across the street." explained Bridgehead owner and CEO Carm Newbeam, who was on site to inspect the underground construction of his latest gourmet coffee outlet. "We will be offering our delectable array of warm and cold beverages, as well as tasty foods at this latest manhole location as of October 2011." Newbeam remarked, who believes the underground location will see a lot of traffic once it opens. "We are tapping into a whole new sub-terranean market." replied Newbeam, who opened his first Bridgehead location on Bank Street in 1997.

Westboro BIA President Debra Channing thinks the new manhole Bridgehead is "innovative" and "space-saving" and looks forward to grabbing her morning coffee from the depths of the roadway. However, the manhole location has some residents worried the typical long line-ups may create a dangerous situation for motorists trying to avoid customers entering and exiting the underground Bridgehead. "I hope they have a light or something marking it at night." Westboro resident Gaylea Jones remarked.

Bridgehead is expected to complete construction on their manhole location this fall, with plans for a floating river location to begin construction in 2012 to service the many Westboro kayakers who frequent the waters in front of Westboro beach.

Two "Flash Mob" Groups Injured in Coincidental, Spontaneous Dance Mix Up

2011-08-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Two groups of "flash mobs" suffered multiple injuries earlier today after the two groups coincidentally and spontaneously broke into ridiculous dancing in the Byward Market. The two groups apparently broke into choreographed dance moves at the same time which took each group by surprise, with many dancers suffering elbows to the faces, kicks to the groin, and finger pointing into eye sockets. Combining two large groups of "flash mobs" who were unaware of each others intentions led to the disastrous dancing outbreak, sending 7 people to hospital with multiple, but non-life threatening injuries.

"The two groups assembled together unbeknownst they accidentally had planned the dancing outburst at the same time, in the same place." explained paramedic-on-the-scene Dale Kirkland, who treated one dancer with a lacerated eyelid. "This one dancer accidentally got jazz hands right in their face." remarked Kirkland who was first on the chaotic and devastating flash mob-gone-wrong.

Ottawa Police were called to the scene to question the dancers and came to the conclusion the incident was caused by coincidentally poor timing, and no charges will be laid. The City Of Ottawa has said they will be cracking down harder on the trend of surprise flash mobbing, even though most flash mobs announce their supposedly secret dancing outburst ahead of time through social media anyway.

In the Middle East, flash mobs have been banned and made illegal after a botched flash mob was thought to be a Taliban terrorist suicide-bomb act with all participants being killed by unknowing security personnel. In Italy, another flash mob went horribly wrong when dancers unknowingly broke out into seemingly disrespectful dancing in front of a funeral for a well-known Mafia member, resulting in the deaths of 4 dancers.

Hintonburg Resident Gentrifies Self

2011-08-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hintonburg - Long-time Hintonburg resident Fred Silvers recently gentrified himself in an attempt to keep up with his swiftly changing neighbourhood. Once homeless and on the streets of Hintonburg, Silvers had been in trouble with the police on numerous occasions. After his 19th arrest, Silvers made a conscious decision to “gentrify” himself in much the same manner as his beloved neighbourhood, which included grooming himself and shaving off his spray-paint covered beard.

After Silvers saw his favourite pawn shop turned into a gourmet wood-burning pizza bistro earlier this year, Silvers decided it was time to make a change in his own life. “I saw the Dawn of Pawn turn into a trendy new pizza joint, and thought maybe I should clean up myself too.” Silvers reminisces. “I knew it was time to join the neighbourhood in getting a hipper, more vibrant appearance and become something.” remarked Silvers, now 29 and dating a four foot Asian girl named Esther.

Once Silvers took the initial first steps in changing his outward appearance, he knew he also had to find a market for himself. “I wanted to start a business where I knew I could make a living and also enjoy myself.” explains Silvers, who started up his hipster line of apparel called “UrbanHobo” which specializes in creating unique apparel items for young, trend-setting, urban twenty-somethings. Items Silvers developed include over-sized, plastic rimmed glasses, Rubik’s Cube themed accessories, and Afghani style urban neck scarves. UrbanHobo now supplies all major urban centres with his unique brand of hipster wear that has made himself a vast fortune and also listed him in the Fortune 500 list of companies for 2011.

Now residing in a Westboro penthouse loft condo, Silvers hopes to inspire others who may be thinking of gentrifying themselves into something new and trendy. Taking examples from the vast changes happening in the once sketchy and rough parts of the city that are now being turned into appealing, boutique and bistro ridden pockets of urban renewal, Silvers explains his transition. “Two years ago I was huffing on Giant Tiger shopping bags of metallic spray paint, now I’m trying to decide what metallic paint I want for my BMW.” Silvers credits his success on gentrification, a word he describes as “taking something that’s in a state of decay, and branding it as hip and trendy.”

Fred Silvers will be launching his latest UrbanHobo accessories at “Scruffy Beard” a new clothing and accessories store opening in the old Scott’s Chicken Villa Kentucky Fried Chicken on Wellington Street this September.

SuperEx Finds New Home In Trendy Westboro

2011-08-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Westboro- After a century of the Central Canada Exhibition being held at Lansdowne Park in the Glebe, the annual fair more commonly known as "SuperEx" has found a new home in the heart of Westboro. SuperEx was welcomed with open arms by the Westboro BIA after making a press announcement earlier today. The 122 year old fair that has controversially been moved out of the Glebe after Lansdowne development plans were made this year, is looking forward to its new home in the trendy, family oriented neighbourhood of Westboro.

The new site is out of the downtown core, but will hopefully offer Ottawa residents a chance to enjoy a fair-like atmosphere once again. "It's really an end-of-summer rite of passage for many Ottawa citizens, so I'm happy we are keeping that element alive." remarked SuperEx president Cole Chapman. "Westboro is a vibrant community that is sure to keep the magic of SuperEx alive." Chapman explained.

The move comes with some alterations however, changes that some people see as a withdrawal of the carnival atmosphere, and have some SuperEx loyalists worried. Changes include a removal of all noisy and potentially scary rides, and a strict shut down of operations at 7pm when most Westboro residents retire for the evening. Also, due to safety concerns of the many parents, midway rides will only consist of a "Yogic Flyer" ride sponsored by LuLuLemon in which participants sit on rotating foam yoga mats and chant to soothing music, and a twirling teacup ride sponsored by David's Tea and Bridgehead, where supervised children don safety helmets and ride at a slow speeds in over-sized foam tea and latte cups.

Westboro BIA president Sheila Newman is excited about the SuperEx moving in and hopes it will be as popular this year as in previous years. "We are making sure it is a safe, co-operative and learning environment, but also fun." Newman explains. Other changes to the new fair which is being dubbed "HarmonyEx" include removing all deep fried and candy foods, which will be replaced by organic, healthy alternative foods but adhering to a "no nut" policy due to child allergy concerns, a removal of musical rock acts, being replaced by quieter, contemporary folk music, and a removal of any games of chance such as ring tosses, that will be replaced by French Immersion learning games in which all participants are winners. New additions to the fair include diaper changing competitions, baby stroller races and a jogging, biking, kayaking triathlon challenge sponsored by Mountain Equipment Co-Op.

The HarmonyEx in Westboro begins August 15 and runs until September 2. Opening musical act "James Taylor" will take the stage August 15 with "Gregorian Chanters" closing the Ex September 2.

Amish Miracle O-Dot T-Shirts Now Available To Keep You Warm

2011-07-26T17:59:00.001-07:00

Ottawa- Due to popular demand and an increase in Amish productivity, the O-Dot is pleased to announce they will be giving away a limited number of t-shirts to the first few readers to respond to this exclusive offer! These miracle T-shirts cover both the upper AND lower torso areas of the body, providing unparalleled warmth and comfort.

Working tirelessly and efficiently in their Amish workshops, the O-dot t-shirt comes emblazoned with an eye-catching O-Dot logo that will be sure to please even the most discriminating buyer.

Stitched and sewn by coastal China craftstoddlers, the gorgeous black t-shirt is then silk screened by Amish T-shirt screeners who bring their quality workmanship to your chest.

"You won't find a better shirt to mask those pasta, ketchup and drool stains." exclaimed Amish Miracle T-Shirt president Quinn Logley. "They are just superb and don't chafe or rash your nipples like other, lower quality shirts." Logley explains from Amish Headquarters in Eastern Pennsylvania.

Act now by sending your request for a FREE t-shirt to tommytalker@gmail.com along with your size preference (Medium or large) and an address where you would like to have your t-shirt mailed.

There is no charge for the shirt, but there are limited numbers, so call now and don't be disappointed!

Westboro Splash Pad Converted To Use Perrier Water

2011-07-19T05:43:00.000-07:00

Westboro - The privileged children of Westboro will no longer be subjected to the harsh water conditions of municipal water when the area's four splash pads will be converted to use Perrier water later this week. Parents in the neighbourhood have lobbied city hall for weeks that the city water previously used at the splash pads was ruining their children's skin and hair. Residents also indicated that they would be willing to pay more in property taxes if the city converted the splash pads water to the less abrasive and conditioned Perrier water.

City of Ottawa Parks and Recreation manager Marcel Benoit made the decision to convert the water used in the Westboro splash pads after receiving numerous complaints from local parents who believe the city water is damaging their children's pale, alabaster skin with high mineral content and possible chlorination. "The conversion to the Perrier water system should alleviate any concerns parents may have that the cooling waters may harm their children." explained Benoit who expects the splash pads to be operating on Perrier by Thursday when temperatures are expected to reach 37 degrees. "Now the kids can frolic in the sprinkling waters without concern for their well-being." Benoit remarked.

A coalition of Westboro parents lobbied Ottawa City Hall to convert the splash pads in early June when they noticed their children were complaining that their hair was less soft and manageable after a visit to the municipal water fed water parks. Westboro Parent Association President, Carlene Hechenburg contacted the city and demanded the splash pads be converted to the less abrasive Perrier water after contacting Perrier and discovering they can provide water for splash pads in more affluent neighbourhoods. "This will ensure both parents and children in the area can enjoy cooling down without worrying about water quality." replied Hechenburg.

Westboro splash pads will require those attending the specialized facilities to provide proof of Westboro residence upon arrival where city staff they will also issue a Tilley Hat and SPF95 sunscreen.

Crotchety Old Lady Blown Off Segregated Bike Lane Blamed For Stage Collapse

2011-07-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - The violent wind storm that swept through the Ottawa region last night causing severe damage to the Bluesfest main stage also carried a mean old lady and her bike off the segregated bike lane on Laurier Avenue into the Bluesfest area. A shocking photo taken by a patron at Bluesfest clearly shows a crotchety old lady on a bike being catapulted through the air on a strong gust of wind that some witnesses say was "tornado-like". The hag on the bike cackled and laughed at the younger people below as she was carried over the audience area and off into the distance. Moments later the main stage collapsed, with eye witness accounts claiming the old lady purposely hit the stage girders with what looked like a broom.

Bluesfest officials are continuing their investigation into the incident that injured four people that have since been released from hospital. "We are not ruling out foul play with this incident, and we are checking a lot of camera footage to see what really happened." Bluesfest Techinical Staff member Carl Leagan stated.

After the storm many patrons also witnessed what looked like flying monkeys hovering over the stage. An investigation by the Ontario Ministry Labour continues this week to determine what went wrong during the unusually violent and devastating wind storm Sunday night. Anyone who witnessed a crotchety old lady or flying monkeys are asked to come forward and call the investigation hot line at 613-555-5464.

Cawing Crows At 4am Really Have Important Message To Tell: Scientist

2011-07-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Incessant crow cawing heard across the city between the hours of 4am and 8am have recently been deciphered and translated by a Carleton University professor who has determined they are important warnings for mankind. Dr. Harold Freeman of the Department Of Ornithology at Carleton University discovered that the annoying caws of crows are warning us of impending doom and sometimes giving instructions on how to cure cancer.

After years of painstaking research into the annoying cawing of crows in the early dawn hours, Freeman thinks he has finally unravelled the mystery as to why they are so adamant about vocalizing their thoughts at such an inconvenient and disturbing time. “Crows are just getting up early to warn mankind that the end is near, or that the humans beside their tree need to get up and start work a bit earlier due to a traffic issue on the 417.” Freeman states. Most crows also make an attempt to vocalize their warnings and thoughts to those with hangovers, a lack of sleep, or both.

An accredited ornithologist, Freeman conceived and tested a successful crow translator, recording the annoying, intrusive and irritating sounds of crow caws at 4am across various parts of Ottawa. After deciphering their incessant caws using his patented Cawdex computer program, Freeman determined the crows are just really trying to tell us some important messages that we are not acknowledging. “The crows are trying to communicate with us similar to dolphins, but no one really wants to hear them at 4am.” Freeman continued.

After announcing his findings, Freeman hopes the crows will ease up on their exasperating early morning caw calls and let humans reply in time using specialized bird translation devices. Freeman also hopes those annoyed by the cawing will finally accept their black-beaked feathered friends messages, as they are meant to help mankind even though they are delivered at 4am.

Snarky Construction Traffic Sign Irks Westboro Residents

2011-07-07T05:46:00.000-07:00

Westboro - A neighbourhood that prides itself on active living and a distinct lifestyle is upset at a snarky automated traffic sign stationed along Byron Avenue in the midst of a road construction zone. The sign used by a local construction company has an artificial intelligence system for monitoring and informing oncoming motorists of current traffic conditions that lie ahead. The automated sign, Model QB-794, has recently switched from informative traffic updates to a more snarky attitude, resulting in some off-hand remarks that is irritating some local residents who pass by the sign. “I was coming home from a particularly bad day at work and this sign tells me to slow down, there’s still lots of cake at the grocery store.” exclaimed Denise Hornbeck, a Westboro resident who wants the sign removed.

The construction company using the sign has responded to complaints by saying that they have no control over what the sign displays since it uses an integrated artificial intelligence system. “We tried to re-program the system but it would not open the control door for us when we input the access code.” replied Joel Kesling, Operations Manager for the construction site. “We knew the QB-794 had some glitches, but this is ridiculous.” Kesling remarked.

Other passing motorists have complained of QB-794 displaying other offensive remarks such as “YOU ARE STILL A LOSER EVEN IN A BMW” , “LETS HOPE YOUR SUSPENSION CAN HOLD UP UNTIL YOU GET TO YOGA” and most recently, “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU REALLY USED THAT KAYAK ON TOP OF YOUR SUBARU?”.

City officials have contacted QB Signs of Brampton, makers of the QB-794 in hopes they can re-program the sign or replace it by the weekend.

Toyota Prius Recalled After Giant Spike Found On Steering Wheel

2011-07-05T06:31:00.000-07:00

Toronto - Toyota Canada made a formal announcement early Monday recalling over 50,000 vehicles due to a giant spike that was incorrectly installed on the 2011 model Prius. The recall hopes to avoid any potentially harmful accidents where the giant spike may cause injury if impaled upon. Toyota Canada President Mark Logan announced the recall after a Prius owner was seriously injured after the spike stabbed the driver after making a sudden stop. "We hope the spike can be removed in time before more injuries occur and we will do our best to ensure the recall procedure is as efficient and convenient for our valued customers as possible." Logan remarked at the press conference Toyota organized Monday morning.

The giant spike that was installed on most 2011 Prius models was an oversight in the assembly process at the Fushisimi plant in Japan. The giant spike was not noticed by many Prius owners until they applied ample braking during a stop, and then they noticed the large, titanium protrusion was impaling their upper chest area.

Toyota aims to have the recall completed by this fall and encourages current Prius owners with the giant spike to exercise caution while braking.

Marathon For The End Of Marathons Set For This Weekend

2011-07-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - In addition to the 38 different marathons for various charities, cures and assorted beneficiaries, a new marathon has been organized for this upcoming weekend. Dubbed "Race For The End Of Marathons", organizers hope this latest marathon will gather enough support to make sure there will be no more marathons that continual clog city roads and congest traffic. Race To End Marathons spokesperson Larry Hatworth describes the marathon as a way to help support those who are sick and tired of the constant marathons that occur in Ottawa. "We hope to raise awareness that we are tired of constantly having to sponsor people who decide to run in every charitable marathon and irritating us with their constant chatter about how they are training for the race." Hatworth remarked.

The Race For the End Of Marathons marathon will take place Saturday and the race route will not close any roads or cause traffic problems. Hatworth explains their race is on dedicated paths and sidewalks so no roads will have to be closed. "Why not use a perfectly good sidewalk instead of closing roads?" added Hatworth.

The inaugural race already has 2,500 runners participating, with many unaware they are actually running to end marathons because they just wanted to run in yet another marathon, regardless of the cause. "I think half the runners just signed up as an excuse to run in another marathon." replied Hatworth who is organizing special 5,10 and 20K routes for Saturday's race. "Through this race, I hope we can all bring an end to the suffering we all endure listening to these running people blather on about their 'times' and how they've been in training for weeks preparing for the races." says Hatworth.

Anyone interested in participating in the Run For the End Of Marathons marathon is asked to sign up online at www.endtheruns.com or show up at the race starting line Saturday at the corner of Bank and Sunnyside anytime before the race begins at 9am.

Westboro Toddler Conquers Everest

2011-06-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Westboro - Lasandra and Erill Chatsworth congratulated their over-acheiving and parentally pressured son Kyae by satellite phone yesterday morning after he reached the summit of Mount Everest. Kyae, aged four, decided to tackle Everest after being prompted by his Tantric Yoga instructor who saw potential in the toddler and spoke with his parents about the possibility of him climbing Everest. "Children need to experience these momentous achievements as a part of their spiritual growth." explained Nadia Lamont, Kyae's yoga and life coach. "His parents want him to be the best at everything, and by tackling Everest I think it will do wonders for his chances at getting into Churchill Alternative School." remarked Lamont.

Kyae, who was labelled "gifted" at age one after he ran his first 5K marathon, has been pressured to excel in numerous activities by his hovering parents Lasandra and Erill. "We don't let him play with any toys because they only stereotype a child into being inferior to adults." replied Erill, 32. "We want a nurturing and progressive environment for our Kyae who we have always encouraged to never fail."

Traversing the deadly slopes of Everest, Kyae managed to reach the peak in 7 days with the assistance of two Sherpas and the sponsorship of Westboro Kids Clothing and Lululemon Kids. After only a small incident where his diaper became frozen, Kyae managed to reach the peak unassisted and without oxygen. Kyae was too frostbitten around his face to say much on the cell phone but looks forward to coming home where his parents are planning to take him to Machu Picchu where they will celebrate his accomplishment after he completes a kayaking course.

UPS Delivery Guys Update Uniform With Brown Speedos For Warm Weather

2011-06-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Now that the hot weather has hit the region, UPS Delivery has updated its warm weather uniform to make conditions more comfortable for its employees. The previous brown shorts have been replaced with even shorter and cooler "Speedo" type shorts that will allow employees to make their deliveries with comfort and ease. Most UPS Delivery personnel enjoy the freedom to wear shorts in summer while on the job, and now with the introduction of the brown Speedos, it should bring employee satisfaction to a whole new level. The new uniforms will be phased in throughout the summer with most UPS guys wearing them by mid-July.

Guy At Campfire Pulls Out The Damn Guitar Again

2011-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Sharbot Lake - A collective groan was heard late Wednesday night when the Teva sandal clad Kevin Newbury pulled out his god-forsaken guitar once again around the campfire at a cottage party on Sharbot Lake. Known for pulling out his acoustic guitar from behind his lawn chair after a few beers, Newbury tortured those around the once delightful campfire with out-of-tune and poorly executed versions of Pearl Jam, Billy Joel and Tragically Hip songs.

Cringing at the prospect of Newbury monopolizing the campfire once again, some people got up and politely announced that "they were tired" and "going to bed". The departure of half the group did not seem to deter Newbury however, as he broke into a terribly off key version of "Fifty Mission Cap" by the Tragically Hip. Hoping to impress the female members of the campfire group with his musical abilities, some intoxicated girls shouted out requests for Billy Joel from which Newbury attempted to strum his own version of "Piano Man".

Derek Lidcomb was one of the members who left the fire early and headed to the cottage before Newbury started his guitar playing. "That guy always brings out his f---ing guitar every time we're up here and no one but the really drunk people can stand it." Lidcomb remarked. "We never see the guitar until it's too late...I don't know where he keeps the thing, he just seems to make it magically appear and then you are trapped listening to him butcher songs by the Beatles and Cat Stevens." Lidcomb replied before heading to the cottage.

Newbury, a Level 4 director at Stats Can has no musical training, but somehow has been able to use his self taught guitar abilities to entertain campfire groups for the last 5 years. Usually mild mannered and quiet, Newbury breaks out his guitar after a few drinks in hopes of attracting a mate with his off-pitch and beer fuelled ballads.

Cirque Du Soliel Launches Highly Anticipated Sol The Clown Show

2011-06-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

Montreal - The wacky, but educational antics of the hobo clown, Sol, will now be immortalized through the latest show the award winning Cirque Du Soliel production group this summer. After the conclusion of the popular "Quidam" and "Michael Jackson Immortal" tours, the Sol the Clown show will take to the stage with a dizzying array of acrobatics, costumed dancers, people on stilts and bizarre puppetry.

"Sol the Hobo Clown has long been a symbol of French education and learning." remarked Cirque Du Soliel Promotional Manager Guy LeBoix who spearheaded the Sol production when it began last spring. "Many will remember Sol bringing us hilarious sketches that taught us how to speak French through his goofy pratfalls and situational comedy." LeBoix explained. "Like the Michael Jackson show and the more recent Quidam, Cirque hopes to recreate that magic that influenced so many school children."

Sol brought confusion and smiles to many young students as a hobo clown who handily deconstructs the French language, to the amusement of adults as well as toddlers. Cirque Du Soliel will bring Sol to life on stage through interactive light shows, absolutely bizarre costumes, nightmarish choreography and of course a dizzying and engaging soundtrack that will harness the energy and wackiness of the long running Sol The Clown television program. The show will open in Montreal and follow in cities across North America that include Toronto, Ottawa, Winnipeg, Calgary, Vancouver and Halifax. LeBoix hopes Sol will be yet another hit for the production company that has risen to global fame as a circus of surreal imagery entertainment. "Sol will be brought to life in a a whole new way." Leboix stated. "The stilt walkers have been practicing day and night to capture Sol's visual genius so I think fans will not be disappointed."

City Beaches Open, Then Close Due To Sea Monkeys

2011-06-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - The area's beaches were opened today, but hastily closed ten minutes later after health officials found large concentrations of Sea Monkeys in the water. Known for their joyful frolicking and aquatic tricks, the mischievous Sea Monkeys were deemed to much of a health hazard after a toddler at Westboro beach began choking on the rambunctious creatures after a swim. "We think it's best the city closes all the beaches after we found the Sea Monkey count to be above safe levels." exclaimed Ottawa Public Health Officer Mike Frommer. Water quality is usually compromised by high levels of E.Coli bacteria, but this is the first time all 5 area beaches have been closed due to the Sea Monkey contamination. "Children are especially susceptible to ingesting the Sea Monkeys who like to swim into the mouths or other orifices." Frommer stated. "The City is looking into culling the Sea Monkeys this weekend so beaches should be open again by Monday."

New Condos Planned For Gap In Between Two Condos

2011-06-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

Westboro- Trendy Westboro will be welcoming yet another hip condo development in the space that exists between two current condos along Richmond Rd. Hailed by known developer Domicile as "innovative" this 14 story building will boast "loft inspired living close to lattes, leisure and life".

Controversial for its planned space, the 200 square foot units will be offered for sale next month in a grand opening ceremony with prices starting in the low 200's.

"We saw potential in the alley between the two condos that exist already and knew there would be demand for such a location." stated Domicile head Reggie Leach. "Even though it's only 5 feet wide, we think we can offer a trendy, hip abode for today's active professional."

The condos planned completion will be March 2012 and bring the total number of Westboro condo developments to 178 along the popular stretch of Richmond Rd.

Shitbox Magically Transformed With $3000 Chrome Rims And A Giant Spolier

2011-06-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - A complete shitbox of a car was magically transformed into what apparently is a "sick ride" after owner Renee Leneaux added a set of $3000 chrome rims and a spoiler to the vehicle. Valued at only $300 before the modifications were made, the 1991 Festiva jumped in value to at least $900 after the addition of spoiler and chrome wheels. Leneaux, a resident of Gatineau, spent his last paycheque entirely on modifying his car that was given to him by an ex-girlfriend. "The rims were the first thing I got to make it really sick." Leneaux explained. "Then I got the spoiler that makes it go fast." he remarked.

Almost ready for the scrap heap, Leneaux single-handedly saved the ailing Festiva from certain doom by adding the over $3500 worth of new parts to the $300 car. "Now I can really hit the streets and get respect from my buddies in their Neons." Leneaux exclaimed. Future plans for the Festiva also include under-lighting, a huge loud exhaust tail pipe, and one of those stickers in the rear window that have Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo. Window tinting is also in the plans, but may have to be delayed until next fall when his new girlfriend finally has the baby.

Area Woman Readies Wacky Jester Hat For Westfest

2011-06-10T04:18:00.000-07:00

Westboro - Reaching new levels of hilarity, Westboro resident Lois Walnitz, 44, has dusted off her wacky jester hat to wear at this weekend's popular Westfest event. A standard piece of apparel for all festival events, Walnitz admits the hat brings out her goofy side, and may even have her dancing out of rhythm in front of a lawn chair at the outdoor concert Friday night. "I really go nuts I guess when I put on this hilarious hat." Walnitz explained. "Unfortunately my job at Agriculture Canada does not allow me to wear this hat, so I really look forward to these festivals where I can cut loose and bring smiles to those around me."

Purchased on a whim last year at a Renaissance Fair in Syracuse, New York, Walnitz is anticipating lots of laughs and comments on her headpiece which she says is a real conversation piece when she attends various outdoor concert events. "Bluesfest is a fun place to wear this hat too, but I find Westfest has more people my age sharing in the absolute hilarity of this jester hat, and sometimes a bunch of us wearing these hats get together and start swaying back and forth to the music in front of our lawn chairs during a musical performance." Walnitz admitted.

Emblazoned with colourful fabric and jingling bells, the insanely goofy jester hat should bring out the wild side of Walnitz who plans to have a couple Woody's Grapefruit Coolers, which makes her cackle laugh annoyingly. "My kids hate it when I wear the hat," Walnitz remarked. "They get embarrassed and look forward to the face painting so know one will recognize them."

Stanley The Kitten In Trouble For Sign Stunt

2011-06-08T04:54:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Prime Minister Stephen Harper's newly adopted kitten Stanley was in trouble early Tuesday morning after a rebellious stunt was captured on video during a press conference at 24 Sussex Drive. "Stanley", the adopted kitten from the Ottawa Humane Society, was hastily removed after he held up a homemade "Stop Harper" sign while members of the press were trying to photograph the kitten. Security guards swiftly removed Stanley from the room and the remainder of the press conference was cancelled.

The bold move by the kitten was an apparent protest against his new owner, and he now faces disciplinary action which includes no milk or soft food for one month. A replacement kitten was quickly found at the local animal shelter however, and was warmly welcomed into the Harper family later in the day. Dubbed "Bairdsy", the new kitten seemed to have less of a rebellious nature and was reportedly playing nicely with the family's other cat, Cheddar.

Ottawa Mildly Excited About Yet Another Festival

2011-06-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - With somewhat limited excitement, FestFest is gearing up to be the 57th consecutive festival being held in Ottawa this summer. Following on the heels of the Hot Air Balloon Festival, Festfest hopes to appeal to crowds who want to celebrate festivals, with a festival.

Festfest organizer Nancy Lorman explains, "We really wanted to hold a festival that offers particpants a chance to celebrate festivals through seminars about festivals, festival workshops, and meeting organizers of all the various festivals." Lorman also noted that Festfest will appeal to not only those who want to go to a festival about festivals, but also for those who want to get sunburned in a field full of drunk and/or stoned people. "We'll have a beer tent, grease filled concession stands, and vendors selling the popular glow sticks and t-shirts." Lorman emphasized.

Festfest is also showcasing live music, with "Trooper", "April Wine" and Ottawa's own "Disco Inferno" in addition to some other bands that constantly play outdoor festivals. Held at Lebreton Flats, the grassy field where the event will take place is still trampled, brown and stained from the previous festival last week, but Lorman is confident it may be green in time for opening night September 10. Festfest runs for 7 days, from 8am to 11pm each day and will most likely cause traffic delays in the area. Festfest passes and tickets are available at all Capital Ticket outlets and range in price from $27.50-99.99.

Area Hipsters Gentrify Hintonburg Dumpster Into Coffee Shop

2011-06-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hintonburg - The up and coming neighbourhood of Hintonburg was further gentrified last week when local hipsters successfully transformed a dumpster into a bustling cafe. Previously a stench and maggot infested garbage receptacle behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Wellington Street, the innovative hipsters sporting oversized, chunky, plastic framed eyewear and tight fitting clothes, renovated the dumpster into a trendy new cafe that also sells used records and vintage clothing.

The dumpster to coffee shop gentrification was spearheaded by Kaylee Herdforth, a 26 year old hipster who moved into the Hintonburg neighbourhood last year. "This area is just perfect for creating new hip and trendy businesses that will draw more of my kind into the neighbourhood." Herdforth explained. "The dumpster project was challenging, but I think local hipsters will enjoy listening to their iPods and grabbing a chai latte here now."

Herdforth transformed the dumpster into a walk up cafe with partner Val Morton, who previously had experience gentrifying other neighbourhoods by opening up American Apparel and vintage clothing stores in other downtown areas. Morton predicts the cafe, dubbed "Dumpster For Hipster" will do well in the burgeoning neighbourhood of Hintonburg. "We already have an Apple Store, a couple vintage record shops and a Pho restaurant, so a dumpster cafe seemed like the right fit." The cafe also offers customers an array of vintage clothing that fits too tightly, old records and turntables, and coming this fall, a liquor licence that only allows the owners to serve Pabst Blue Ribbon beer in cans.

"Dumpster For Hipster" cafe is located behind the Elmdale Tavern and offers free wi-fi and discounts for customers wearing Afghani-style neck scarves and vintage foam and mesh hats.

Normal Guy Spotted Walking Around Westboro

2011-05-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Westboro - Eyewitness reports of a normal, non-sporty male wearing a regular button- up plaid shirt and khaki pants have been recorded early Wednesday morning after two joggers spotted the unusual creature on their way to yoga class. The rare sighting of a normally dressed, slow moving male with no visible signs of active living, has many residents in the area concerned and demanding city bylaw officers hunt down and remove the creature from the upscale neighbourhood. “We pride ourselves on making sure everyone here is wearing the appropriate trendy, spandex or active living apparel, so this oddity needs to be removed immediately.” says Linda Glonderfield, President of the Westboro Active Standards Practice, or WASP for short. “This sighting brings to light the need for better enforcement of keeping outsiders from entering our neighbourhood who are not prepared to be active and fit.” Glonderfield remarked.

Witnesses spotted the normal male figure near Britton’s Magazine Shop where he was seen purchasing an issue of Popular Mechanics and a bag of chips. Suspicion was aroused since most males in the neighbourhood only purchase Men’s Health, Forbes, Yoga Monthly or The New Yorker. The slow moving, loafer wearing male figure was then seen bypassing the Bridgehead coffee shop, which was also unusual, and then entered a green 1998 Dodge Stratus parked in front of the Newport Restaurant. The male creature then drove east on Richmond Road listening to CHEZ 106.

Glebe Road Construction Unearths 40 Year Old Hippie Van With Occupants Still Inside

2011-05-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

The Glebe - Construction crews were startled to discover a 40 year old hippie van buried beneath the surface of Bank Street as road work began in the Glebe this morning. Even more startling was the fact that the occupants of the vehicle were alive and well inside the van, apparently surviving on LSD, red wine and an assortment of flaxseed muffins.

At approximately 9:25am, a backhoe from GreenBelt Construction began to dig into the surface of Bank Street near the corner of Fifth avenue when the shovel hit a large metallic object. Construction crews then carefully unearthed a brightly coloured 1967 Volkswagen Van, bringing it to the surface for closer inspection. As the van was placed on the surface of Bank Street, two occupants emerged in tie-dye outfits and dishevelled hair. First to witness the hippies emerge from their vehicle was Ned Gillframp, who was shocked to see someone emerge from the van after being buried for 40 years. "The door creaked open, and these two hippies came out, giggling and asking us if we had any hemp tea." Gillframp explained. The two occupants, identified as Gloria Wasplinter, 67, and Jim Keely, 64, both former residents of the Glebe, apparently fell into a sinkhole on Bank Street in 1969, with road crews paving over the hole, trapping the van underneath. "We just hung out and chillaxed with some good acid, baked muffins, sang songs, and before you know it, we were dug up today." Keely remarked before heading to the Wild Oat Cafe for a Bean Sprout Gluten free sandwich.

The occupants are delighted to be back on the surface of the Glebe and are surprised to notice that not much has changed since they fell into the hole 40 years ago. "We can still get some great organic groceries, Birkenstock sandals, tie dye clothes, and hand woven hemp accessories." Wasplinter commented. "Even the place where I can buy old, used books at exorbitant prices is still here."

New Westboro Store Opens For Inactive Residents

2011-05-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Westboro- A new business opened its doors for the first time this weekend catering to the many inactive Westboro residents who have felt ignored in the past. Contrary to the flurry of active living lifestyle stores that continue to flourish in the neighbourhood, “Lethargic Equipment Co-Op” will offer sloth-like residents the chance to purchase equipment and accessories that will assist in fulfilling their sluggish, sedentary lifestyle.

General Manager of LEC, Gary Lubner, is excited to offer inactive Westboro residents the chance to purchase a variety of products such as reclining chairs, big screen televisions, video games, new release videos and the area’s largest selection of remote controls. “We felt that there was a gap in this market that needed to be filled.” explained Lubner. “With all these healthy, active living shops in the neighbourhood, many lazy, slovenly residents were being left out.” In addition to the many inactive lifestyle products, LEC will also offer customers a wide range of food and beverage items that include, soda, chips, pizza, and a vast selection microwaveable foods. “We don’t have anything organic, fair trade, or healthy here.” Lubner remarked. “If someone wants a double mocha latte or flaxseed muffin, they can go down the street.”

Lethargic Equipment Co-Op is located in the heart of Westboro village at 1101 Richmond Road, and is open 1pm to 1am for those that like to sleep in and stay up late doing nothing.

Girl Finally Marries Her Cell Phone

2011-05-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - After a compassionate two year love affair, Melissa Bauman, 24, officially married her long time cell phone, a wonderful iPhone 3G. In an emotional ceremony at St. Peter’s Basilica in Centretown, Bauman wed her trusted and beloved cell phone with a traditional Catholic ceremony that was attended by over 200 guests.

A long time companion of Melissa’s, the iPhone 3G has never left her side after two years, and was frequently seen with her everywhere, providing solace, comfort and companionship that was lovingly celebrated as they exchanged wedding vows through a special app and live Twitter feed. As Father Charlie presided over the ceremony, the iPhone slipped a gorgeous ring tone to Melissa saying he loved her, and then Melissa kissed the screen of the iPhone.

Guests then retreated to Sallo San Marco on Preston Street for a lively reception where family and friends celebrated the fact Melissa has always been in love with her mobile phone device, and always chose it over other potential suitors. The father of the bride then made a moving speech about how the iPhone is “now part of the family” and how he “looks forward to spending time with the phone and learning about its many apps.” The newly wed couple plan to honeymoon in Cancun and anticipate raising a new family on the Sims app.

Area Students Excitedly Prepare For School Proms So They Can Remember It As Best Day Of Their Lives When They Are 40, Fat/Bald And Unhappy

2011-05-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Scores of students across the city are busy preparing for their high school proms as the season of the prom rapidly approaches. Hundreds of athletic, popular and cool kids are abuzz with excitement as they prepare to make prom night the single most memorable night of their lives. In anticipation of the future when they will most likely be overweight, bald, and employed in either the retail or hospitality industry making minimum wage, preparations are in full swing with no expense spared. Already forecasting a dismal, bleak existence with unwanted kids and a marriage to someone they hate, many high school cool kids are feverishly preparing for the prom so they can reflect back on it with fondness when they are in their depressing later years. “I really want to make sure I will remember this senior prom with my friends as part of my glory days.” commented Grade 12 Notre Dame student Kyle Nullman who is the star quarter back of the Notre Dame Knights football team. “I know when I am 40, fat, bald and working at Walmart, I can always look back at my high school prom and feel good I once had it all.” Nullman replied before heading out to pick up his rented tuxedo and to book a limo.

High school girls are also preparing for the big night by calling each other on cell phones 400 times a day to discuss the prom and what they will be wearing. “Like, I mean, if I go with Josh, who is totally, like hot, then I’m probably gonna get my mom to, like, take me to Richard Robinson.” Grade 11 Glebe Collegiate student Tasha Brumen remarked from her BMW in the school parking lot. “When I, like, get all married and stuff, and have kids and marry some rich dude, I want to remember this as the happy time in my life.” Brumen explained.

As the area cool kids prepare for the many area proms, non-cool kids are also busy preparing and plotting how to become future billionaires and later have the cool kids serve them at a restaurant, or service their Maserati. “I just programmed an app I just sold to Microsoft that should secure some serious investments for me to buy this high school and turn them into condos before I graduate.” remarked Grade 10 Nepean High student Lu Chung.

Petro-Canada Launches New Signage At Pumps

2011-05-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Petro-Canada gas stations across the Ottawa region have recently unveiled new signage ontheir pumpstoday inreaction to the rising fuel costs. The new signs inform customers that the company will now beacceptingcertified healthy human organs and dental gold as payment for fuel charges at over 67 locations across the city. With gas prices continuing to rise, Petro-Canada responded by offering a variety of new payment options available to cost-shocked gas consumers. All healthy, medically sound organs will be surgically removed on the spot at gas stations if that method of payment is chosen, as well as the removal of any dental work gold.

Petro-Canada is also making plans to expand the number of digits on their station signs to accommodate a fifth decimal place in anticipation of fuel prices reaching the $10.00/L mark.

Mayor Watson Withdraws Whitton's Name From New Library, Now Neutral "Doug Smith Library"

2011-05-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - After the controversial decision was made last week to name the new Ottawa Library and Archives building after the city's first female mayor, Charlotte Whitton, Mayor Jim Watson withdrew the proposal. After facing increasing debate over the naming issue due to Whitton's somewhat colourful and debated past, the new library and city archives, at the corner of Woodroffe Avenue and Tallwood Drive, will be named after an innocuous and very harmless civil servant, Doug Smith, who was informed of the re-naming this morning in a phone call from Mayor Watson. A neutral, quiet and inoffensive personality who works as a filing clerk at Statistics Canada, Doug Smith, 46, was surprised at the re-naming using his title, and is honoured to be a part of Ottawa's history. "When I get up at 5am to come to work on time everyday, do a good job filing, and then go home to work on my HO Scale train sets, I never really think a building could be named after me." a reserved Smith responded after being asked how he felt about the sudden honour. "Jim Watson called me up at my cubicle and said I was the most perfect, neutral, harmless person to name the new library." Smith replied as he ate his bologna on white bread sandwich at his desk.

Public outcry from the Jewish community in Ottawa over Whitton’s efforts to deny Jewish refugee children entry into Canada during the Second World War was a deciding factor for Watson to withdraw the proposal naming the library after her, and proclaimed it was creating “disunity in parts of the city, and as mayor, I felt it my obligation not to allow the matter to continue”. In a letter to councillors Watson explained, "Instead, we will name the new library after Doug Smith, a very neutral man, who is safe, inoffensive and basically the most boring, nondescript, impartial, lacklustre, bland person we could find who will offend no one in the city."

Other rejected names for the new library included the Joseph Goebbels Research Institute, Pol Pot Public Library, and the Himmler Archival Building. The new Doug Smith Library and Archives building will open next month with a special ribbon cutting ceremony hosted by Mayor Watson and various city dignitaries along with Doug Smith and cost effectively sponsored by Tim Horton's.

Tulips Torched Because They Are Too Much Damn Work

2011-05-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - The annual Tulip Festival will look less colourful this year after the it was decided the flowers were too much work to maintain. Scheduled to open this weekend, the Tulip Festival has been adjusted with all the tulips being burned. Utilizing a controlled burn procedure in the various tulip gardens throughout the city, all that remains of the much anticipated blossoming tulips are some charred embers and a couple of squirrel eaten bulbs.

“The tulips were just too much damn work.” commented Tulip Director Simon Belanger who ordered the troublesome flowers torched Tuesday morning. “Those little bastards were demanding too much time and money just so they can look good for a bunch of tourists.” Belanger remarked from behind his Burn Operations Station desk near Dow’s Lake. “Once we get these weeds napalmed and completely cleared out, we can focus our efforts on more important festivals such as Ribfest and the Writers Festival.”

Using flame throwers and napalm bomb drops, all tulip gardens should be leveled and burned by Wednesday afternoon with no trace of the bothersome flowers remaining. Residents of the tulip garden areas of Dow’s Lake, the Arboretum, Major Hill Park and various canal greenspaces should remain indoors while the the tulips are being incinerated.

City Fears Psychosis Outbreak In Westboro After People Seen Skiing Around With Poles But No Skis

2011-04-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

Westboro - The City Of Ottawa is investigating a possible pandemic sweeping the Westboro neighbourhood after recent photographs captured individuals skiing along sidewalks with out skis, but using ski poles. “The only explanation is an infectious psychosis that is spreading among residents, causing them to think they are skiing along sidewalks using ski poles, but no skis.” Regional Health spokesperson Marianne Mackay replied after being asked about the bizarre behavior being witnessed in the West End neighbourhood.

Non-affected residents are asked to keep their distance from these “Polers” as a precaution in case the psychosis is highly contagious. It is best to avoid eye contact and do not interfere with their progress after one witness was accosted by a poler. “They just ram right into you as they swing their poles.” commented John Husslebeck who sustained minor injuries from a stray ski pole. “I guess they think they really are skiing down the sidewalk even though they are without skis.” Husslebeck remarked.

Any sightings of a “pole walker” are to be reported to the city for investigation by dialing 311 and reporting the location of the insane person skiing without skis.

Taliban Excitement Builds For Royal Wedding

2011-04-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

Afghanistan - The fighting forces of the Taliban laid down their weapons and ceased operations today in preparation for Royal Wedding festivities that are sweeping many Islamist regions. Commemorative Royal Wedding souvenirs are being swept off store shelves as excitement builds for the televised wedding ceremony tomorrow afternoon. Thousands of Taliban members have traded in their AK-47s for souvenir plates, spoons and Union Jack flags in anticipation of spending the day huddled around makeshift television sets, hoping to catch a glimpse of Kate's dress or William's Royal Wedding attire.

"This is the most exciting event to happen in my short lifetime as an Islamist extremist." commented an excited Abdul Akhund Mullamar, who recently fired an RPG adorned with Kate and William's official engagement photo. "I can't wait to see what dress Kate will be wearing, hopefully it is reminiscent of Lady Diana's beautiful wedding dress." Mullamar exclaimed from his cave bunker outside of Kabul.

With Royal Wedding fever sweeping the world, Taliban forces are no exception, with thousands flocking to local markets to purchase Royal Wedding souvenirs. "I just picked up my commemorative spoon that I will sharpen and use to torture my prisoners." Mohammed Baradul remarked before joining his comrades for a pre-wedding celebration where they will play music by the popular artists performing at the Royal Wedding reception. "There wasn't a dry eye in the cave when we all listened to Elton John's Candle In The Wind last night." a jubilant Baradul replied.

Dewar, Bradley Heat Up Election With New Signs Targeting Female Voters

2011-04-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Local candidates Scott Bradley (Lib) and Paul Dewar (NDP) launched a new direction in their campaigning this week as they unveiled a series of new election signs featuring themselves bare-chested. Specifically targeting women voters of the Ottawa-Centre riding, and possibly, the gay male demographic, both Dewar and Bradley discarded their more conservative photos from previous signage, and replaced the image with more appealing photos that will hopefully garner some votes from undecided women voters in the riding.

Local female residents have responded favourably to the new signs, flooding both Dewar's and Bradley's campaign offices with calls for signs to be erected on lawns across the riding. "I think Bradley has the nicest chest, so my vote is for him!" exclaimed Ottawa-Centre resident Heather Jenkle, who has never voted Liberal in her life, but has decided to now thanks to the provocative new Bradley campaign sign. "Dewar is ok too, but it looks like he might use performance enhancing proteins, which I think looks unnatural." Jenkle explained. Other women think both candidates are equally "hot" and are clambering to have their signs adorn their front lawns. "I actually have both signs on my lawn," remarked Hintonburg resident Sheila Postman, "so I can look out my window at both bare-chests each morning." Postman replied.

Both Dewar and Bradley are diligently campaigning in the final weeks leading up to the election, with Bradley making more of an effort in his sign and canvassing blitz in the local neighbourhoods. Dewar meanwhile is taking a more relaxed approach, counting on his handsomeness to win the election for him. Both candidates hope the signs will grab some new votes from women who may have been undecided about voting in the upcoming election. "I've been working out for weeks to get the right look for my sign, but I think it will pay off if I get some more votes." Bradley explained while campaigning along 417 off ramps earlier today.

The new signs will hopefully also grab the attention of the gay male voters of the "Gay Village" which is within the Ottawa-Centre riding along Bank Street. "Dewar has my vote with that yummy chest! And with his innovative new child care program, Charles and I will be able to put our adopted Kenyan child into a proper daycare." commented Bank Street resident Michael Olthoff from inside Wilde's Gay Boutique.

Home Depot Introduces New Flair Badge For Employees

2011-04-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - After a recent incident at an Ottawa Home Depot store where an employee was bitten by a customer's dog, the company has quickly introduced a new motivational badge that will be awarded to a recipient who has gained the valuable experience of being bitten by an animal while on duty. The flair badge, which will be adorn employees trademark orange aprons, is called the "Bite Badge" and will be issued to any employee that happens to experience an animal attack at the store where they are working. Featuring the cartoon mascot of the company getting his nose bitten by a small dog, the badge will recognize the bravery and risks employees endure while at work. Home Depot President Mitch Lonner created the badge in response to a recent attack on an employee at an Ottawa Home Depot location where a store greeter was bitten on the nose by a customer's dog. "We want to recognize the bravery and valuable life lessons our employees experience with a badge that will compliment the many other badges, pins and ribbons our employees proudly display on their aprons." Lonner explained.

A common sight on most Home Depot employee aprons are the multitude of pins, ribbons and badges that recognize employee accomplishments such as years of service, customer appreciation and now, injuries at work. Ottawa Home Depot greeter Anne Riel’s nose will never look the same after a customer’s dog attacked her last Friday afternoon, and was the first recipient of the new flair badge. "I was kind of hoping for some sick days off or compensation, but I guess this badge will make my nose disfigurement worth it if it helps increase my apron flair." Riel commented as she was awarded the badge at a special store ceremony yesterday.

A city spokesman said the dog bite is under investigation and added the animal’s owner could be charged under the city’s animal care and control bylaw. "We are investigating this incident and will hopefully have the dog and owner questioned soon." City Animal Control ByLaw officer Tony Frehan remarked. The dog, a cross between a shih tzu and doberman, or "shitterman" as they are commonly referred to, could face assault charges if found.

Liberals Seek Recycling Equality; Demand “Red Bin” To Join Blue/Green Bins

2011-04-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Federal Liberal candidates across the country are seeking recycling equality and are lobbying municipal waste programs to launch “red bin” recycling in addition to their current “blue” and “green” bin recycling receptacles that residents use to recycle waste.

Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff called the exclusion of a red bin “an injustice” and “waste discrimination” at a recent press conference in Kamloops, BC. Ignatieff is willing to take the matter to the courts if a red bin is not included in recycling programs within the next two weeks. “This is a grave reminder that discrimination has no boundaries, including waste recycling, and Liberals are going to see that a red bin appears on the curbs of every Canadian.” a disgruntled Ignatieff exclaimed while on his campaign stop in Kamloops.

Currently, both blue and green bins are being used across the country to recycle waste, with Ignatieff viewing this as “subconscious campaigning” symbols of both the Conservative and Green parties, who use blue and green as their political colours respectively. Ignatieff hopes a red bin will be used to recycle electronics or shoes. “I see the need for a red bin so every Canadian can dispose of their outdated electronics and footwear responsibly.” Ignatieff remarked before heading to his next campaign stop in Yellowknife where recycling is still to be implemented by residents.

417 Off-Ramp Hobos Upset By Campaign Signs

2011-04-18T08:43:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Countless off-ramp hobos who make their home and peddling grounds on the off-ramps from Highway 417 have failed to make a concrete decision on who they will vote for in the upcoming federal election. Even after a relentless campaigning effort by the city candidates who visited the important off-ramp territories, the hobos or “OR-hobos”, as they are called by their peers, left many confused and upset by the blitz of campaign signs that litter their off ramp grounds. “My handheld cardboard sign for spare change gets lost amongst the sea of these campaign signs and leaves me rather indignant as to who I will cast a ballot for come election day this fortnight.” a well spoken OR-hobo, Kensington Wallace exclaimed from his makeshift Maytag box residence at the side of the Bronson exit. “I really don’t know who I trust to improve our living and work conditions.” Wallace remarked as he continued to pan-handle motorists exiting the Queensway off ramps.

Candidate’s of Ottawa-Centre have recently plastered hundreds of campaign signs on the off-ramp exits from the 417 hoping to sway the votes of passing motorists leaving the busy highway, but have failed to sway the votes of any hobos. They are left completely confused and lost as they are exposed to a sensory overload of campaign signs each day. Ottawa-Centre Liberal candidate Scott Bradley joined OR-hobos Sunday afternoon in a continual campaigning blitz that had off-ramp hobo Mike Simpson sharing his ramp space with Bradley in an attempt to garner some spare change and votes from passing motorists. “We got a few horn honks of support of my campaign, and I think Mikey got some spare change, so I think it was a good day on the campaign trail.” Bradley remarked as he gave the off-ramp hobo some large weather resistant campaign signs to build a better wind shelter.

Toddler Collapses Under Weight Of Own Safety Gear

2011-04-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

(Previously posted July 28 2010) Wellington West - The soft laughter of little Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel-Benson-Campbell soon turned to screams of pain early Thursday afternoon after the 15 month old toddler collapsed under the weight of safety equipment that ironically was worn to protect her. Apparently after enjoying a controlled and monitored stroll in Hampton Park, Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel suddenly fell onto the soft grass of the park, writhing in pain. Shocked, her parent, Morwena Lagel-Benson-Campbell, quickly tried pulling the reigns of the safety harness to save her. The mother then tried in vain to pick up Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel whose slippery skin was covered in SPF 90 sunscreen, making it impossible for a grip to be attained. 911 was then called and paramedics were on the scene within minutes.

"This is not an uncommon response." stated paramedic-on-the-scene, Chris Haverton. "Just last week I got a call about a kid who had about three times his own body weight in gear on, and with the extreme summer heat, he fainted, but luckily the knee pads and PFD broke his fall." Haverton exclaimed. The recent trend in protecting children from the hazards of play time has lead to a spike in emergency responses to children collapsing under the weight of the safety gear that is supposed to be protecting them.

With today's play time becoming increasingly dangerous due to UV rays, uncut grass, rough gravel, dust, stray insects, puddles, pavement cracks and other menacing dangers, parents are taking preventative measures to ensure their child's safety.

Kayla-Maraka-Hayden-Unirsta-Lagel was ushered to CHEO but is expected to make a full recovery in time for her Tiny Tot yoga and massage this weekend.

Bridgehead Opens New Location Inside Existing Location

2011-04-15T07:42:00.001-07:00

(Previously posted July 2010)Wellington St W.- Coffee drinkers were treated to the opening of a brand new Bridgehead location last Saturday when the popular West End coffee chain opened a new location right inside an existing location. Bridgehead, an Ottawa based coffee shop that has over 12 locations in the West End of Ottawa already, decided it "only made sense" to open a new location inside an existing location.

"We considered opening up a location across the street from an existing location, but it made more sense to open one inside a current location to give customers less of a walk and make the decision easier where to get that second coffee." exclaimed Bridgehead manager Beth Herkle.

Following the trend of rival coffee shop, StarBucks, that has been known to open new locations in close proximity to an existing location, Bridgehead hopes this bold move makes loyal coffee drinkers of their fair trade coffees "less travelled" to get that cup of coffee.

So far consumer response has been positive although somewhat perplexed. "I thought I was seeing double when I walked in the shop, but then I realized they opened a second location inside, which makes my walk to get a second cup a lot easier." states Ness Wayward. "Before I'd have to walk at least 400 metres to another location to get a second espresso, now that trek is a lot easier."

Plans are already underway to open another new location in Spring 2011 on top of the Wellington St. shop to bring the total to three shops in one place.

Random Hole Digging Begins Across City

2011-04-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

(Previously posted July 13 2010) Ottawa- Construction crews began the annual ritual of digging random holes in streets across the neighbourhood today. Public Works Supervisor Hank Granger was baffled when asked what the digging was for, "We just get a work order from head office asking us to start digging holes in the streets at certain locations, but really don't know what we are digging for." Granger continued to express concern that his crews start the day excited to be digging, but after a few days grow tired and lose morale to continue the senseless digging. "Somedays I have five guys leaning on shovels just watching the back-hoe." City officials were asked to explain the random digging, which can snarl traffic for up to an hour on some streets, but refused comment. "Just be patient and enjoy watching the machinery and your tax dollars hard at work." exclaimed Mayor O'Brien.

Leaders Debate Attracts Prime TV Advertisements

2011-04-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - Tonight's live debate on CBC is shaping up to be a lively sparring match between federal leader hopefuls and is attracting some high profile advertisements that will air during the two hour broadcast. Similar to the Superbowl, the leaders debate typically ranks very highly in the Nielsen ratings, reaching more than 2 million viewers. Prices for advertising space can typically cost hundreds of dollars; 30 seconds of advertising time during the 2011 telecast is expected to cost upwards of $200 CDN dollars.

Such big name companies as Metamucil, 2000 Flushes Plus, and even Canadian Tire are spending hundreds of dollars to bring innovative and often humourous ads to viewers this evening. The highly anticipated string of ads usually showcase unique advertising that companies hope will sway viewers to purchase the product being advertised. Canadian Tire is excited to re-introduce the popular bearded "Canadian Tire Guy", who brings his own informatively annoying presence to TV screens once again after living in forced exile for 7 years.

Viewers can catch the debate on CBC television, CBC News Network and CBC.ca from 7 to 9 p.m. ET. Listeners can tune in to CBC Radio One from 7 to 9 p.m. ET for a debate special with Alison Smith, host of the World at Six. The regularly scheduled broadcast of the hit CBC series "Heartland" will re-air next week where it spotlights Amy and Ty working through their trust issues as they train a pair of Clydesdales.

After 13 Bottles Of Wine, Still No Talk Of Book At Book Club

2011-04-07T06:52:00.000-07:00

Westboro- A local women's book club is still trying to select a suitable novel, let alone discuss a book, at their bi-weely book club meeting. After one particular meeting in which 13 bottles of red wine were consumed by the 6 members of the group, it was decided the book they will eventually choose should revolve around the plight of a repressed woman in the early 20th century, or focus on the struggle of a minority.

The book club, who dub themselves "The Westbookos" meet at each others Westboro homes to discuss and compare opinions on books, but have yet to decide on a book after eight meetings. "We usually get started by reviewing Oprah's Book Club list, but then we get sidetracked talking about the local neighbourhood gossip, and then when that fifth bottle of Shiraz gets opened, we forget about books altogether and start talking about organizing a weekend shopping trip down to the Syracuse outlet malls." explained book club member Laura Pilton-Criskle, a 38 year old mother of two. Other activities that sidetrack members from actually discussing books include: constantly checking their cell phones and/or Facebooking/Tweeting, answering cell phone calls from their distraught children, spilling wine on furniture resulting in lengthy cleanup procedures, and consoling certain members who usually break down crying to reveal emotional domestic problems after drinking too much wine.

The next meeting of The Westbookos takes place Thursday April 21 at Heather Nesden-Willis' home on Golden Ave. with times and more information listed on their website: westbooko.com

Ottawa Hydro Explains $25,000 Sens Tab

2011-04-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Ottawa - A recent document released yesterday revealed that the tax-payer owned public utility Ottawa Hydro recently spent over $25,000 on Ottawa Senators Deluxe corporate boxes, entertaining themselves and select clients. When confronted with the expenses, chief executive of the public utility, Rosemarie Leclair explained the expenses were justified and that the corporate box was a necessity in dealing with the stressful business of electricity. A chart breaking down the large expenses for the box seats this past season was soon made available under the Freedom of Information Act. It was also mentioned the box was used only for games where the Sens were probably going to lose a game, a "time of use" strategy Ottawa Hydro is trying to implement into its billing structure.

Leclair also went on to explain the corporate box was used specifically for business related activities like discussing issues such as service concerns and billing issues as well as to inform key account customers of programs (such as conservation and demand management programs)how they could work in their specific situations. It was stressed that at no time did anyone in the box turn their heads to watch the ongoing hockey game.

When hydro rates have increased by more than 18% over the last year, many customers will likely be upset, but Leclair defended the expenses by justifying their use. "The corporate box expenses were "smart metered" with clients and patrons being metered for their alcohol and nacho consumption so we weren't over-billed. In addition, we were charged as "time of use" customers by Scotiabank Place, and only paid for hot dogs and beer we consumed, and not for the beverages and foods in storage." replied Leclair.