Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Ottawa- Andrew Haydon Park on the shores of the picturesque Ottawa River was the backdrop this past Sunday for the annual Carruthers Family Picnic. Bringing together upwards of 20 members of the Carruthers family to one location for more than 20 minutes forced individuals to pretend they actually cared about fellow family members while they ate undercooked M&M Meatshop burgers and dry, home-made coleslaw.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Ottawa - In a bizarre incident, the jovial and monocle bespectacled Mr. Peanut was apprehended by a City Of Ottawa Tactical Police Squad at a local Staples store early Wednesday morning. Appearing to be purchasing some three-ring binders that were on sale, Mr. Peanut was forced to the ground and handcuffed before being transported to a waiting police van.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Kanata - The Kiley family is thanking their over-sized Lincoln Mastodon SUV after encountering some unexpected road construction on their way back from Montana's Grill in the Centrum Mall Monday evening.
The family of four, who have lived in the suburb of Kanata since 2009, were taken by surprise by some unforeseen road construction on Terry Fox Drive which resulted in the substantially large SUV having to navigate some treacherous road conditions. Dust, gravel, potholes and an uneven section of the pavement were all experienced by the vehicle, which traversed the adverse conditions with ease, although the driver of the vehicle, 34 year old Tammy Kiley was treated for shock after the encounter. “I had no idea why the pavement just ended like that and turned into gravel with potholes.” Kiley explained. “All I could do was grip the Corinthian stitched leather wrapped steering wheel even harder and hope the Traction Control system kicked in.” a traumatized Kiley recounted. “You just hope the car can make it through the terrain and that the family would be safe.”
Uncommon for a SUV to experience such adverse conditions in the suburbs of Ottawa, the Kileys are thankful they choose the All-Wheel-Drive and Tru-Trac suspension options when they bought their Lincoln Mastodon last year, “I wanted it fully loaded in case something like this were to happen.” remarked Duncan Kiley, Tammy's husband who was in the passenger seat during the ordeal. “The SUV has only seen smooth pavement from our house to Innovatech Systems, so we were all scared of what was going to happen. You just hope the vehicle can handle it.” Duncan Kiley, 45, remarked. “I had a couple of Mega Margaritas at Montana’s so Tammy drove home. I remember thinking that I was grateful that we got the SUV so we would all be safe.”
Weighing over 4 tonnes with seating for 10, the Mastodon is the largest in Lincoln’s fleet of SUV’s, and claims it was designed for the rough, and sometimes dangerous world of suburban driving. “We wanted our vehicle to remain a safe haven for our drivers so they have peace of mind encountering situations like the one the Kiley’s experienced.” Director of Lincoln Canada Customer Relations Herb Dangard replied. “We design and test our SUVs for these kind of conditions.” explained Dangard. Boasting a 498 HP V-10 engine with 3000 cubic feet of cargo space, the Mastodon is fast becoming the vehicle of choice for suburban families who require the safety and confidence of handling treacherous road construction, while at the same time, accommodating large items from Home Sense and Best Buy. The Mastodon is also able to transport an entire PeeWee soccer team and comes equipped with cappuccino machine and built-in 46" LED screen entertainment system.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Ottawa - Two groups of "flash mobs" suffered multiple injuries earlier today after the two groups coincidentally and spontaneously broke into ridiculous dancing in the Byward Market. The two groups apparently broke into choreographed dance moves at the same time which took each group by surprise, with many dancers suffering elbows to the faces, kicks to the groin, and finger pointing into eye sockets. Combining two large groups of "flash mobs" who were unaware of each others intentions led to the disastrous dancing outbreak, sending 7 people to hospital with multiple, but non-life threatening injuries.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
After Silvers saw his favourite pawn shop turned into a gourmet wood-burning pizza bistro earlier this year, Silvers decided it was time to make a change in his own life. “I saw the Dawn of Pawn turn into a trendy new pizza joint, and thought maybe I should clean up myself too.” Silvers reminisces. “I knew it was time to join the neighbourhood in getting a hipper, more vibrant appearance and become something.” remarked Silvers, now 29 and dating a four foot Asian girl named Esther.
Once Silvers took the initial first steps in changing his outward appearance, he knew he also had to find a market for himself. “I wanted to start a business where I knew I could make a living and also enjoy myself.” explains Silvers, who started up his hipster line of apparel called “UrbanHobo” which specializes in creating unique apparel items for young, trend-setting, urban twenty-somethings. Items Silvers developed include over-sized, plastic rimmed glasses, Rubik’s Cube themed accessories, and Afghani style urban neck scarves. UrbanHobo now supplies all major urban centres with his unique brand of hipster wear that has made himself a vast fortune and also listed him in the Fortune 500 list of companies for 2011.
Now residing in a Westboro penthouse loft condo, Silvers hopes to inspire others who may be thinking of gentrifying themselves into something new and trendy. Taking examples from the vast changes happening in the once sketchy and rough parts of the city that are now being turned into appealing, boutique and bistro ridden pockets of urban renewal, Silvers explains his transition. “Two years ago I was huffing on Giant Tiger shopping bags of metallic spray paint, now I’m trying to decide what metallic paint I want for my BMW.” Silvers credits his success on gentrification, a word he describes as “taking something that’s in a state of decay, and branding it as hip and trendy.”
Fred Silvers will be launching his latest UrbanHobo accessories at “Scruffy Beard” a new clothing and accessories store opening in the old Scott’s Chicken Villa Kentucky Fried Chicken on Wellington Street this September.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Westboro- After a century of the Central Canada Exhibition being held at Lansdowne Park in the Glebe, the annual fair more commonly known as "SuperEx" has found a new home in the heart of Westboro. SuperEx was welcomed with open arms by the Westboro BIA after making a press announcement earlier today. The 122 year old fair that has controversially been moved out of the Glebe after Lansdowne development plans were made this year, is looking forward to its new home in the trendy, family oriented neighbourhood of Westboro.